Looking Back

Seeing my expression, she reacted immediately. "Kenny, what I meant was, anybody can fuck. Fucking is what happens when some guy who just wants some pussy gets between your legs and just pounds the shit out of you with no regard for how you feel, or if you're having a good time. They don't care about you or what happens to you afterwards. They just want to get on, get off, and get out of you."

"Kenny, I have never had anyone make me feel the way you do. You can make me cum just by kissing me," she said.

"Can I actually tell you what I was going to tell you in the first place, Mr. Dummy?" she asked. The playfully formal addition of "Mr." before "Dummy," told me that she was back to being herself.

"Please proceed milady," I said.

"Anyway ... you already know my history with men and with people in general," she began. "My life isn't like most women. But did you know that you were the first man I ever went after? You're my first boyfriend ... okay that sounds so high school ... you're my first serious relationship."

I was shocked. For a long time, I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. After being together for four years, I was still finding new things about her. Now I understood why she clung so tightly to me all the time. She was as afraid of losing me as I was her.

On paper, we didn't work. I mean I'm in my sixties, nearing seventy. Miranda is forty three. She's four years younger than my son. And for some reason, she reminds me of my daughter in law, Kate. However, I've never told her that because Miranda is fiercely jealous and also has a severe inferiority complex.

But even though the math is against us, our mutual needs and similar outlooks and personalities have welded us together in a manner that is far stronger than I would ever have expected.

"How is that possible?" I asked. She just shrugged her shoulders.

"I want you to be my last one too," she said so quietly that she thought I wouldn't hear her.

"MyRanda, do you want to get married?" I asked her as I got out of the bed, finally.

For a long time, she didn't say a word. I looked back to see that she had the blankets over her head. I also didn't see the rise and fall of her chest. I snatched the blankets away and straddled her. Her eyes were open in shock.

"Ken, you can't ... I'm...!" she began.

"Don't say it..." I warned. "We've been through this before. If you start that shit I'll wipe your mouth out with soap."

"Ken do you really mean that?" she asked.

"Hell yeah!" I said. "We have plenty of soap. We've got that liquid hand soap. We've got dish soap. We've got laundry soap. We have powdered soap..."

"Grrrrr," she said grabbing my hand. "Not that part, Dummy, the other part. And stop cursing. It sounds funny when you do it."

"Randa, do you ... mrrgh" I began again. She quickly clamped her hand over my mouth to silence me.

"Were you getting ready to ask me again?" she asked excitedly. I nodded.

"Well don't ... I mean you can't ... not like this ... Oh God you're so dumb! I love you soooo much. And this is ... I should probably tell you now ... oh my God this is awful. Your timing sucks Mister!" Her outburst was as usual typical Miranda. She was crying and had the biggest mile on her face at the same time.

"Miranda, what's going on?" I asked her. "Do you want me to put the Marvin Gay album on?"

"Ken ... Kenny ... uhm I should have told you this a couple of days ago, but I didn't know how you were going to take it," she said. "I mean you're old ... okay that's not what I meant. I mean you are old, but shit I'm old too. In some ways I'm older than you are and..."

"God dammit, Randa, are we getting married or ... mrrgh?" I tried to get it out. I really did.

"Not yet, Dummy," she spat. "Anyway, Ken, I'm ... well ... we're..."

"Randa, do you love me or..." I began.

"Of course, course I love you stupid," she spat angrily. "Can you shut the fuck up long enough for me to tell you that we're going to have a God damned baby or not?"

I was floored. I didn't know what to say. "But, I'm ... old!" I said in shock. And then my brain must've ceased to function. "Are you sure that I'm the fa..." I tried to pull it back as I realized what I was asking, but it was too late. In three seconds of brainless rambling, I had severely damaged the trust we'd built over the past four years.

Miranda jumped off of the bed and ran into the bathroom, crying. I heard the lock click shut, just as I reached it and the sounds of her crying her heart out. I felt like shit.

"Randa, Honey ... I'm sorry," I said. "I was just surprised. Can we talk about this?"

"Nooo!" she sniffled through the door.

"Randa get out of the way," I warned. "I'm going to break the door down." I lowered one shoulder the way I used to when I played football and charged the door. I struck the door with all of my might. The door didn't budge, but I rebounded off of it and flew backwards, landing awkwardly on my ass.

"Shit, that hurt," I said.

"You deserved it," she laughed. She came out of the bathroom with tears still on her cheeks. "Are you alright?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "I have to get into better shape, Miranda. Shit, I'm gonna have to play baseball again and football. Shit I always sucked at basketball. Please tell me that my kid isn't gonna play soccer. I may be old fashioned, but soccer is not a major sport. And neither is hockey." She tried to pick me up, but I pulled her down onto the floor beside me.

"I wanted to tell you a couple of days ago," she began.

"You know ... maybe he'll want to drive NASCAR," I said. "Now that's a sport for my son!"

"I wasn't sure how you would take it," she said. "I swear to you that in the four years that we've been together no one else has touched me. It really is your baby Ken. And to tell you the truth, I wanted it..."

"He's going to be the best NASCAR driver EVER!" I gushed.

"What if he's a she?" she asked.

"Then she'll be the first real female NASCAR driver and the first female NASCAR champion," I declared.

"I'm going to have to teach her to drive as soon as she's born," I said.

"Can she walk first?" asked Miranda. She was smiling again.

"Now you're just being silly," I said. "She doesn't need to be able to walk to drive." She hugged me again.

"Ouch that hurt," I said rubbing my sore shoulder.

"What were you expecting, Dummy?" she asked. "All of our doors are solid oak, and you're like a thousand years old."

"She's driving for Ford!" I said. "No daughter of mine is driving for Chevy."

"Ken..." she began in a small voice. "Do you really want me to marry you?"

"I tried to ask you twice, didn't I?" I said.

"I didn't want you to think you HAD to marry me because of the baby," she said.

"Randa, I asked you BEFORE you told me about the baby," I said softly. "I asked you because I love you."

"Well ask me again," she said softly.

"MyRanda, love of my life, will you ... mrrgh" I began before she clamped her hand over my mouth again.

"Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, Randa!" I spat.

"Don't curse at me in army talk, Dummy," she smiled. "I'm gonna say yes, but I don't want you to ask me like this. This is the only time I'm gonna get married so you have to do it right. You have to take me to a restaurant. And we have to be dressed up. And you have to get down on one knee and..."

"And we should get started before you start to look pregnant, and everyone in town thinks we had to get married," I said.

"Fuck them," she spat. "Besides everyone in town loves us. It's not like we were back in Ohio where I grew up, and you found me."

"Well we still have to move quick," I said. "I've heard that extra-large wedding gowns cost more and..." Before I could finish a sofa cushion hit me in the head.

I never did get to go for my run that morning. We went out for breakfast, where Miranda told everyone we knew that we were getting married. Surprisingly, no one was even the least bit surprised. In fact, most of the people we knew thought we already were married. The few that we told that we were pregnant raised an eyebrow.

"Wow, still got some gas in the tank, huh?" said our waitress, Sally, looking at me. I nodded and smiled until Miranda kicked me in the shin under the table.

"Ken, don't make me beat that skank's ass," spat Miranda as soon as Sally was out of earshot.

After breakfast, we went to the jewelry shop at a nearby shopping mall. Miranda picked out the ring I would give her when I proposed to her that evening. She had already made reservations at the restaurant she wanted me to propose to her at. She had also asked for seats in the area of the restaurant she wanted. She had picked out what she wanted me to wear and made us appointments for later that day at a unisex salon, where I would get my haircut while she got hers done.

She also told me to practice my proposal, and she wanted it to be creative, dramatic, theatrical and most of all spontaneous. "I'm only going to do this once Ken," she gushed. "So it has to be perfect."

"Maybe we should have a news crew there," I laughed.

"No but I do have Samantha Green's husband, Al," she said. "He's going to videotape your proposal."

"What if I don't do it right?" I joked. "Will we do a second take?"

"Nope, I'll just say no," she said. "And your daughter, the world-famous NASCAR driver will be born to unmarried parents."

I knew that my life would never be the same. But I welcomed what was to come. Sometimes good things happened when you least expected them. Looking back, I had never expected to be truly happy again. Whenever I looked backwards, as happy as I was with Miranda, I always felt as though I had lost something. I always felt as if the life and the people I had walked away from were somehow better than what I had.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful to have Randa in my life that I give thanks to God every day. I always thought that I would be alone for the rest of my days. I especially never expected to meet her or anyone so soon after leaving Michigan. And even then because of the differences in our ages, I never saw us as relationship material. And even after all of those doubts, I really didn't expect marriage or anything else. I always expected someone closer to her age to come along and steal her.

I was grateful for every day that we shared, and although she always told me that we would be together forever, I just never expected it.

We had just parked my Mustang in our driveway and gone into the house when the fates decided to just shit all over my cornflakes. I had left the tiny bag containing the jewelry box with Miranda's ring in the Mustang's glove box. That way, we wouldn't forget it.

Miranda, of course, decided that she needed to practice flouncing her hand around with her ring, on so she could catch the light with it so everyone would notice.

She sent me back outside to retrieve the ring. That was when all of the fecal matter from the Gods descended into the cereal bowl of my existence, splattering all over the aforementioned corn flakes.

"Ken?" said someone from behind me. The voice was familiar and full of emotion. The next thing I knew I was being hugged. I looked into the eyes of my ex-wife. My son was right beside her.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Madeline?" I asked in shock.

"We hired a PI to find you," she said. "It's time for you to come home, Honey. Your family needs you."

"Yeah, Dad," said Matt. "You're lucky Mom even wants to take you back after you ran out on her!" I just looked at him.

"Matthew, you really need to get your facts straight before you say stupid things," I said. "It makes you seem like a fool."

"Ken, you have to come back," said Maddie trying to shift the focus. "Our grandson needs you. He has the same cancer your brother got."

"What the fuck does that have to do with me?" I asked. "Get off of my property before I have you arrested!" I turned to go back inside of my house, leaving them standing there.

"But ... he'll die," said Maddie.

"Thousands of people die every day," I said. "And they all manage to die or even live ... without me."

* * * * * *

Maddie

As Matt and I left, we were both shocked. Neither of us had expected that anything like what happened would have occurred. Of course, I had my own scenario in mind that I hoped would happen. But it was clear that even after four years, Ken's anger was unabated. To me that was a good sign. If he was still that angry, it meant that he still had feelings for me; very strong ones.

Maybe I could use that to get him to help Matt.

"Mom, what's wrong with that asshole?" yelled Matt. "I always thought that there was something wrong with him for just running off and leaving you. But now I think he's senile. Maybe he has Dimentia?" Suddenly Matt got the weirdest look on his face.

As we drove through the streets of the unfamiliar town, his smile only broadened. When we got back to the motel we were rooming in, his smile had broadened to the point of looking like a Cheshire Cat.

Kate was sitting in the same chair she'd been sitting in when we left a half hour before. She was still tying to get in touch with a cancer specialist from the hospital where Ken's brother Ben had been treated. That doctor was now retired. Several of his students and associates were still practicing, but Kate wanted the original doctor. She had been making literally hundreds of phone calls a day to that specialist and very other notable cancer specialist and clinic she could find. Her dedication was astounding.

As soon as she saw us, she put the phone down and hit us with the same smile that had been forcing doctor's, nurse's and medical techs of all kinds to bend to her will.

"When is Dad coming?" she asked. Matt's smile suddenly faded.

"That's why we got fucking divorced," he spat.

"No it isn't," she said. "Anyway...when is he coming over? Or is he just going jump on a plane and meet us back in Michigan?"

"He got kind of pissed as soon as he saw us," said Matt. "He's not coming. We're going to have to do something else. But I have an idea."

"I'm listening," said Kate.

"I think he's senile," said Matt. "I'm going to call the police and have him arrested for mental incapability. Then we'll committ him. As his family we'll get to make all of his medical decisions. So he'll be donating bone marrow whether he wants to or not."

"The two of you can share a room in the nut house," spat Kate. "We are not doing anything like that to dad. The police would do an investigation of his mental state. And when they find out that he's okay, they'll release him. You'll be charged with filing a false report, and Dad will be even more angry at us. What did you do to piss him off!"

"You see what I mean?" asked Matt. "Do you know what she said when he first ran off and left you, Mom? She said she was sure he had his reasons. She acted like it was your fault."

I didn't say anything. And Kate asked again. "What did you do Matt?" she asked.

"Were you openly hostile? Did you ask him nicely, or did you go over there yelling and screaming like you always do?"

"Actually it was Mom who did all of the talking," said Matt. "He seemed really pissed to see her. I was just defending Mom."

"So let's look at this logically," said Kate. "If Dad did something wrong, he'd be glad to have Mom come and forgive him. He'd be busting his ass to get back..."

I had to interrupt before my daughter in law ruined things. "That's the way we should handle this," I said. "We have the answer right here."

"What?" said Matt and Kate at the same time.

"We just send Kate," I said. "First off, she can charm the paint off of a moving car. And secondly your Dad has always loved her. He used to tell me that she was the best and smartest thing you ever did."

"My own God damned father had the hots for my wife?" yelled Matt.

"Of course not Matt. Don't be stupid. Your father just loved her, like a daughter. He thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. You know how everyone has a secret crush. Most of the time it's some movie star or some singer. In your Dad's case...it was Kate. But he never did or said anything. He loved me more than anything on earth. So anyway, maybe Kate can succeed where we failed. He could never say no to her."

"Okay, give me the keys. I'll go see Dad," said Kate.

"Not alone you're not," spat Matt. "Now that we know that the two of you have the hots for each other. You are not going anywhere near him without me. That's all I need. My wife screwing my Dad."

"We're not married any more," said Kate snatching the keys. "And there's nothing on earth I won't do to save my baby."

* * * * * *

Ken

I was just getting out of the shower when I heard the doorbell. A few seconds later I heard Randa going to answer the door. The clunk-step-clunk sound she was making told me that she was going to the door with only one shoe on.

I heard the door open and then nothing. The silence was deafening so I threw on a robe and headed into the living room. Once I got there I saw Miranda just standing there glaring at my daughter in law. I suppose I should have known that Kate would show up.

But at the time I was too busy slapping myself on the forehead about something that I should have noticed years ago. Miranda, the mother of my soon to be second child and my soon to be fiancé was the spitting image of Kate.

Okay, they weren't exactly twins. Kate was far classier, but she'd had far more opportunities in life and better situations in which to develop her manners. Kate was also taller and had that God damned smile.

Randa on the other hand had bigger breasts and a rounder fuller ass. If Kate was the face that could launch a thousand ships, Miranda had a body that could stop traffic at rush hour.

They had the same heart shaped faces, and almost the same beautiful eyes. Kate's were as blue as the sea. Miranda's were as green as an emerald. Their mouths were identical although the expressions differed. Where Miranda's mouth was usually a straight line, she could sometimes, when extremely happy, come very close to matching Kate's smile.

At that point in time though, they were both pissed and although neither had uttered a sound, it was only the calm before the storm. All I wanted to do was find shelter from the explosion of estrogen that was about to blow.

"Miranda, you whore, what are you doing in my father's house?" screamed Kate.

"As I recall," spat Miranda. "Your father wasn't a fucking saint. He was an alcoholic and he doesn't live here."

"You've probably fucked so many men that you've got my father mixed up with someone else," hissed Kate.

"Oh no! I remember him well," said Miranda. "I always remember people who were supposed to be my family members but treated me like shit. I especially remember the ones who looked down on me when people were around and tried to fuck me when they weren't. He was my mother's brother. He wasn't supposed to try to get me drunk and fuck me."

Kate's hand went to her mouth she was shocked.

"Why are you surprised, Katie? You were just as bad. You were my favorite cousin and you deserted me just like the rest. Only it hurt more coming from you. I looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you. When you turned your back on me, I..."

"Miranda, I went away to college," said Kate. "When I came home you were the town whore. According to every one I spoke to, including your parents you had screwed almost every guy in town and a lot of them more than once."

"And you believed it of course," said Miranda. "After everything we'd..." Randa started crying and that was my cue. I went into the room and swept her into my arms. I sat down on our sofa with Randa on my lap, rocking her.