tagCelebrities & Fan FictionLoose Meat In Lanford: Dan Departs

Loose Meat In Lanford: Dan Departs


The theme music fades and the still photo of the Conner house establishes that the porch light is off.

The house is dark but the television is on. The set is throwing out a bluish light on the worn couch but there is no sound. ROSEANNE CONNER, wife, mother and restaurant owner, emerges from the basement/her writing room, quietly. She is heading for the kitchen when she notices the television's activities. She cranes her neck for a better view of the screen. A close up shot shows that she is disgusted with what she sees. She tiptoes to the couch, picks up the remote from armrest with a corner of her chicken and egg nightshirt and proceeds to step into the shadows of the kitchen.

DAN CONNER, husband, father and construction worker is butt naked. He is coming back from the bathroom, pumping his big pink cock languidly and scratching his hairy beer gut. He has just finished pissing out his earlier beers. Leftover urine droplets are flung here and there while he is jacking off. He takes his seat at the couch, still pumping and reaches for the remote control. It is obviously not where he left it. He gets a bit frustrated, looking on the floor and under couch cushions.

To his credit, he never stops pumping. When it cannot be found, he shrugs and waddles up to the television to press play. He plops himself back down on the couch and pops open a beer. The still light becomes a flickering one. His forearm picks up some speed. His breathing deepens and grows ragged. He takes a swallow of beer and leans forward. The action is getting hot and heavy. His forearm is becoming a beefy blur. He has raised both buttocks off the couch. He is taking a squatting position. He has a stack of paper towels all laid out. He is making fuck faces. He is mouthing curses. He is at fever pitch. He is about to pop. Just then the television shuts off.

Have you ever seen a flower wilt in time lapse photography? That is what happened to DAN's dick. He was frozen, wide eyed, staring in disbelief at the television and then up at the heavens. He mouthed "Why God?"

ROSEANNE steps from the shadows of the kitchen, dangling the remote control in her hand. She clears her throat.

-You looking for this, my dear husband the pervert?
-C'mon Rosie! Turn it back on. I was almost there!
-I said I didn't want to have sex tonight.
-I heard you the first time you said it, what does that have to do with this?
-This is sex, Dan
-No, Rosie. What we do is sex, this is masturbation.
-Well, I call it sex.
-The dictionary would dispute that.
-My world, my rules, Dan!
-My house, my balls, Rosie!
-Fuck that! Next thing I know you will be wanting an open marriage.
-Where did that come from?
-It is obvious that something is wrong if you have to resort to this trash. Compton Cheerleader Cum Catchers?
-There is something wrong with aided self-pleasure? Do you forget that you use a vibrator?
-That's different!
-Because this is another woman, Dan! In fact it is six other women from the look of the video box. When I touch myself, I think about you. This is the same as an affair.
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (He raises his feet off the ground) Lot of bullshit in here, Rosie! Might want to hike up your nightgown, the edge might get soiled. I didn't know my given name was Edgar Wellman Jr.!
(She blinks twice and does a double take)
-Yeah you heard me right. I came home from work early more than a couple times and saw you on the bed, dildo hanging out you, screaming his name.
(She is blushing now)
-This is different!
(He is fuming and gloating a bit)
-How in the hell is it, Rosie?
-It just is, Dan!
-Explain that one to me.
-I am not exploiting anyone in my fantasies. You are oppressing women and minorities with yours.
-You oppress all women by buying this stuff. That includes Becky, Darlene, me.
-Don't pull a guilt trip on me because I got you dead to rights.
-And most of all, your Mom…
-Hold on a minute, don't you dare bring them into this. It's between you and me, not mankind versus womankind. It is not about the descendant of a white serf giving back shots to the descendant of a black serf, it is just about us!
(There are no words, ROSEANNE just glares at him)
And I don't know where in your ass you are pulling this oppression shit from but you should let it go. A fantasy fuck is a fantasy fuck whether Candy from Compton or the Wellman plastics heir from Lanford.
(DAN pauses now, pulls on his cock and the rant ends)
Now unless you are going to finish me off right now, kindly hand me back the tape.
(She begins to rip out the ribbon and crack the plastic)
-What are you doing?
-As a wife and a mother, I am doing my job. Plus this one was keeping me up.
(Dan throws his hands up, perplexed)
-How? I had it on mute!
-Dan, when will you realize the extent of my super powers? Beyond my ability to sense the exploitation of women through sheet rock, I could also hear you
(ROSEANNE crudely mimes masturbation)
(Dan rolls his eyes at this point and shakes his head)
-So that's that?
-Yup, that's that. Now go back to bed. I am going to write for a little while longer.
(Pause from Dan)
-Are we going to fuck?
(Roseanne regards Dan like a puppy who has soiled the rug and asks for a treat)
-Well then my answer is no as well
(Her brow is angry and surprised)
-You heard me. No, N-O. You gave me blue balls and you are offering no relief. That is one of the duties of a wife as well.

(There is tense silence. ROSEANNE continues to glare. The anger has gone out of DAN'S eyes and has been replaced by sadness. He begins talking from the heart.)

-Rosie, I like you the way you are, the way you were, whatever. I am all for whatever makes you happy but you have to be willing to give an inch! A relationship is about two people not one. I need sex some of the time.

(There is another pause)

-Dammit Dan, you knew from the day you met me that this was a dictatorship! Must I remind you that a relationship is all about me? I don't want to fuck and I don't want you to jerk off. It's as simple as that.
-That only leaves casual sex with strangers, Rosie
-Don't even joke about that.
- I don't think it's funny but I laugh to keep from crying. I need relief. It's been 2 years
- You try for this "relief" and I'll take you for everything
- Live from the Catskills, it's my delusional wife…
- Dan, I'm dead serious.
- Rosie, so am I
- Goodnight, Dan.
- Night

(ROSEANNE walks back to the basement and slams the door. DAN gathers up the remains of the video tape and throws them in the garbage)




(ROSEANNE enters the kitchen in slippers. Her sister, JACKIE HARRIS, is sitting at the table already eating some toast. The small table is sporting a tablecloth and is festooned with fine breakfast meats, muffins, orange juice and an elegant tea service. JACKIE looks more than a bit anxious that usual. ROSEANNE looks puzzled)

- Morning Jackie
- Morning sis
-What's all this for?
(JACKIE'S mouth is full so she makes an incomprehensible noise)
- I know it's not my birthday and it certainly isn't Mother's Day.
(JACKIE finishes her mouthful and coughs out)
- It sure isn't
-Did you put it together?
- No, not at all. I just came over to do laundry and let the delivery guy in. He set it up and then left. Hope you don't mind that I had some. The coffee just smelled so good.
- A gourmet delivery guy? Well at least I know it isn't poison now
- Ha ha, very funny Roseanne.
-But who could have sent him? The kids are away so it must be Mom. Waiting for me to take a bite of all this expensive stuff so that I am indebted to her for the rest of eternity
(JACKIE shakes her head and leans her skinny ass back in the chair)
- No, no. Don't think that's it. This isn't like her. I figured it was Dan.
That's where the academy training kicks in. Police work gets you to focus on alternative motives. You two must have had some doozy of a fight if you are getting this kind of service.
(ROSEANNE nods, taking a slice of melon from the assorted fruit plate. She chews it thoughtfully and then in a tiny voice)
- Wow, I must have really scared him
- I'll say, he even wrote you a love letter
-What? Let me see that….
(JACKIE plucks the envelope from the small bouquet of roses and hands it over to ROSEANNE and then keeps talking while her sister reads)
- If only the guys I picked up at the Lobo were as classy as Dan, I would have settled down a long time ago. I could give up the spermicidal foam, dental dams and the pill and had some rug rats like you. Yup, there aren't too many like yours, Roseanne. You are lucky to have him. I always pictured myself in a house on a hill with two small dogs -
(ROSEANNE suddenly issues a strangled cry. JACKIE jumps in her seat. The letter falls to the floor)
-What is it Roseanne? What's wrong?
- He left me, Jackie. Dan left me.

Dan Conner prepares to go on a trip with Arnie to a bike convention at Sturgis as part of a promotion for the bike shop. Roseanne is in a huff. She wants him to do well but needs to have everyone bend to her will. She gets snappy and Dan leaves in a huff. She goes down to the Lobo. She gets a couple of beers down at the Lobo She goes back to the Lanford Lunch Box, serving up loose meat sandwiches. She catches some young folks smoking weed in the parking lot on her lunch break. She plays it cool and takes a few hits with them. She goes back to work. They meet her again at the Lobo but she won't let them buy her drinks. In fact she springs for a pitcher for them. She gets sarcastic and whiny, her trademark. They start getting suggestive. She starts getting flirtatious. The drinks keep on coming.

By Anachronism

By Anachronism
Synopsis: Jackie is bored during a shift. Her ex cop instincts, that are usually wrong, kick in when she sees a face. It turns out that that face is of one of the fellows she arrested falsely way back when. He had been a shining example of a human being, simply visiting relatives when she had cuffed him and roughed him up.
The few black families in Lanford had been rightly angry. He was a saint who was tarred by her unconscious racism. He sank into a bit of a depression afterwards ======== had brought him in on suspicion of joyriding. Her nephew, DJ, had been the perpetratorsued the department for false imprisonment and

By Anachronism
Synopsis: Bev, the busybody mother of Roseanne and Jackie, comes back from vacation
to resume her position as counter person at the Lanford Lunch Box and co-owner.

By Anachronism
Synopsis: Lanford's lone lesbian starts a website from her apartment. The focus is amateur women in porn. She quickly becomes rich through subscriptions.

Synopsis: The ditzy oft pregnant friend of Roseanne's is introduced to sex parties by Dan's father.

"714 Delaware Street", I read it off from the clipboard. Jeff craned his neck out the van's window to verify the address. "Yeah, that's the place" he nodded.

Wow, that was awfully cool of you.
Aren't many guys in Lanford that would try and pick me up."


She starts
Sweatshirts and loose tee shirts
Jackie Harris, Roseanne's sister, is working as a cop when she stumbles across a porn ring in Lanford. Nancy the big lipped chicken legged lesbian is moonlighting there doing dildo action. The shocking thing is that Beverly, Roseanne and Jackie's mother, is doing niche porn. The sweaty kids in Job Corps are banging her. The money is great. is a cum slut starts posing for videos – the smut king comes to Lanford and

Tight skirt – short hair –weathered face – no panties –skanky Lanford slut
Jackie Harris she takes a pelvic pounding, the outer labia is nice and puffy, ready for action at any time
Season one Plastics factory
Season two Jackie becomes a cop
Season three Roseanne becomes a waitress
Season four Jackie becomes a trucker and bike shop
Season five Waitress and bike shop fall through – lanford lunchbox opens
Season 6 – becky and mark in trailer park – Darlene back from art school
Season 9 lottery

Crystal Anderson
Ed Conner
Nana Mary Harris – Bev's mom
Anne Marie Mitchell
Chuck Mitchell
Nancy Barlett

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