Losing My Wife Ch. 02

The bartender came by and I guess he saw the tear running down my cheek, and he offered to buy me a free one. He poured it, and I drank, and then I told him the story, everything, from Jen getting the job at BBM and me pretending to be her cousin, all the way to right now, me sitting here in his bar. He was a nice guy, and he let me get it all out, and he patted my shoulder when the tears came, and finally he let me crash for a few hours on the couch in his office. The next morning when I woke up, this kind bartender was there with a cup of coffee, and he drove me to the airport and wished me good luck. I don't know, you meet people sometimes, they're in and out of your life, but he was a friend when I really needed a friend.

I got to the airport and checked in, and then walked over to the gate. I sat down and closed my eyes, still numb, not wanting to think about what I'd lost, what I was going to do next.

"You were going to leave without me?" I hear a quivering voice say, and I opened my eyes.

It was Jen. She was dressed in the sundress from yesterday. "I went back to the room after lunch, just like I promised. But you were gone, and your suitcase was gone. I've been waiting for you here all night."

"Jen, no more lies, okay?" I said. I was still shocked to see her here, but it was too little, too late. I wasn't going to let her use her charms on me anymore. Sex couldn't cure every problem, life wasn't like that. "Before I left I saw you at the pool, fooling around with Tony. Maybe you did go back to the room, but it was after you fucked him."

She shook her head. "If you were at the pool, you must have seen me yell at him and walk away from him."

"No, I saw you let him practically undress you in front of everyone, that's what I saw!" I said angrily.

"Michael, that's not what happened," she protested, grabbing my arm as I turned away. "Yes, he did do that, and I got so mad at him I punched him. Didn't you see that?"

"No, I – " I started. But then I replayed the scene at the pool in my mind, and realized that might have been what had happened. "Yeah, well, what about the night before? You spent the night with him, you can't deny that."

"Michael, I was furious at Tony yesterday for showing up!"

"Yeah right," I said bitterly. "So furious you let him fuck your brains out. Don't deny it! And you let him cum in you! Then you tried to make yourself feel better by offering me the same thing! How do you think that made me feel?"

Jen pressed her palms against her eyes in frustration. "Okay, I admit it, we did fuck, and then I was so tired I fell asleep there. But that doesn't mean I wasn't mad at him! If you really want me to say it, I will. I like sex, Michael, it scares me sometimes how much I like it. I can't help myself sometimes. You must realize this by now. Sometimes I think I'm a nymphomaniac, something comes over me, and I can't control myself. So even though I was mad at Tony, I still fucked him."

I stared at my wife, dumbfounded. I'd been focusing so much on myself, on my own uncontrollable urges, I hadn't realized she might have some of her own. Sure, I knew she liked sex, that was obvious, but I'd never considered she might be an addict for sex, just like I was an addict for seeing her with other men. "You let him cum in you – "

"I didn't!" she protested, grabbing my hands again. "I didn't let him cum inside me! The only time I let him do that was that very first time, when you watched, and honestly, mostly the reason I let him do it was because you were watching. I admit we did it again right before I woke you up yesterday." Her eyes cast downward, ashamed. "Sometimes I can't stand myself, I'm so ashamed, I can't stand to look in the mirror. I feel like there's something wrong with me. How can I be a mother, and have these urges? I'm scared to death our kids will find out." She looked up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks, and for the first time I noticed her eyes were red. Had she been crying all night? "But you accept me the way I am. You listen to what I do, and you tell me it's okay, and you even like it, so I feel like what I do isn't so terrible, so demented. Yesterday morning, I knew you'd be mad, and I needed you to forgive me, so I wanted you to cum inside me. But then I saw you'd left, your clothes were gone, and I panicked, I had the shakes so bad Sophie had to take me here and stay with me." I looked up and noticed Sophie standing across the room, looking concerned. "Michael, I don't know what I'd do if you left me," she pleaded, crying openly now. "With you I'm a good wife and a good mother, I feel good about myself. Without you I'm not anything, I'm just a slut."

God, I wanted to believe her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and comfort her, and make her stop crying, and tell her she was the most wonderful woman in the whole world. But ...

"You fell in love with him," I whispered, my voice cracking with heartache.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry for putting you through all this. But I was confused. In college I was like this, I had these urges. You didn't know, but I was. And then we got married and had kids right away, and the urges went away. I was so happy they were gone, I thought maybe I finally was a normal person. But then they came back, when I started working, going to the happy hours. Remember Darrin? I felt the same way about him, for a little while. Tony was just like Darrin, the feelings just lasted longer. But I'm over him now. Sophie reminded me I was just like this in college. I'd fall head over heels over some guy, but get over it. It's not love, more like how you feel when you go out with someone new and he's the only thing you can think about. But I always get over them, Darrin and Tony and all the other guys. Michael, you're the only man I've never been able to get over. "

I felt confused. This was a lot to process all at once. "I don't understand, what are you saying?"

She pressed my hand to her tear-stained cheek. "I'm saying Tony is over. And so is Darrin, and all the other men. I'm not going to hurt you any more, you and the kids are the most important things in my life, I'm not going to risk that anymore."

"But – these urges you have ..."

"I can control them," she said defiantly. "I'm not a girl anymore, I'm a 30 year old woman, I can control my body."

I guess I looked skeptical, because I knew how impossible it was for me to control my own urges.

"I swear Michael!" she said quickly, seeing the skepticism in my face. "I can control myself! I will!" She pressed my hand against her cheek again. "I just want us to be together, I want it the way it was," she sobbed.

"To watch sunsets together," I whispered under my breath.

"What?" she said looking up.

But I didn't reply. Instead, I took her into my arms, and held tight, not intending to ever let go again.