Loss to Love Ch. 02

"This is going to be the best summer ever." Dean cried on the last day of school. I remember agreeing with him but oh how wrong was I.

Not only was it the worst summer I had ever had, it was the worst time of my life, bar none. It was the lowest point in my life and I, on more than one occasion, contemplated suicide. I still remember the day I got the call. It was two weeks before school reopened.

I was at Dean's playing video games when my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and noticed that it was dad calling me. I found it strange to say the least seeing that he never called me. I answered and cautiously put it to my ear.

"Uh hello?" I said but there was no answer. "Hello?" I tried again. This time I could hear crying in the background. "Dad?"

"Drew..." He choked out, fighting back the sobs that were overcoming him.

"Dad what's wrong?" I asked, getting really worried. My dad wasn't one to get emotional and when he did, it's often over something really bad. Little did I know how bad it really was.

"Drew...Your mom..." he choked out between sobs.

"What? What about mom?" I asked, getting to my feet. Dean just sat there, eyeing me, worry written all over his face. I was starting to panic now. "Dad! What about mom!?"

"She's gone Drew..." He said. Time seemed to slow as I heard those words. It couldn't be, maybe there was a mistake. I don't remember much after that. I knew my body went numb. The last thing I felt was my phone slipping out of my hand as it dropped to the floor. Dean was in front of me, asking me what's wrong but I couldn't hear him. I didn't want to hear him. My mom was dead.

I remembered rushing back home after that. I wanted to know what happened. I wanted, needed, to know it was all a lie, a misunderstanding. A part of me hoped my dad meant gone as in divorced and left. I prayed for that because at least, that would mean my mom was still alive. Alive so that I can still talk to her, convince her not to leave. To tell her I love her, but I knew it was all false hope. My parents loved each other, so much so that divorce was never an option, but still I wished. Prayed.

I screeched to a halt outside my house, bursting out my truck and into our home. I hoped that I would smell my mom's baking, her perfume, anything to give me a sign that she was still here. I had no such luck. I ran into the living room to see my Dad on the couch, his head buried in his hands. His body shook as he cried, never had I seen my dad so torn up before. Seeing him like that made my own heart break and I felt my eyes welling up.

I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He took his face out of his hands and looked up at me. The look of sheer despair on his face made it all clear to me. My mom wasn't in a car, driving away somewhere. She was gone, and she was never going to come back again. I felt the tears pour over my eyelids, leaving salty track down my cheeks. I crashed to my knees in front of my dad as my legs lost all their strength. I looked up at my dad; he sniffed before he hugged me tight to him. I didn't hold back anymore as I cried, sobbing until it was hard to breath. I felt like I wanted to die. For the first time in my life, I wanted to end my life.

"How?" I managed to choke out as I cried into my father's shirt.

"She was out buying groceries..." He stopped, trying to keep his emotion in check. I didn't push and gave him time to gather himself. She was my mother, but she was also his wife. Whatever I felt, he felt it too, maybe even worse than I did. "There was this guy...he...he had a gun." He stopped, coughing as he choked on his words. "He just started shooting...and..." he stopped again, but he didn't need to say more. I knew enough and I couldn't hear anymore of it. The more I heard the more my heart broke. I cried myself to sleep that night, hoping that I wouldn't wake up the next day. Hoping that I didn't have to feel this pain again, but wake up I did.

The next few days passed in a blur. The pain I felt, had slowly morphed into numbness. I became a walking shell, not wanting to feel anything anymore. I was drained, emotionally and physically. I was initially angry at the bastard who did it, wanting to make him suffer but I later found out that the coward had shot himself after his rampage.

I didn't cry at my mother's wake, I didn't want her to see me so distraught. I kept strong, for myself and for dad. He too cried himself out, nothing left to cry even if he wanted to. As my mother was lowered into the earth, I dropped a white rose in, her favorite flower I remember her telling me once. "Bye mom. I love you. Always have, always will." I said.

I stood by her grave as everyone started leaving. I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and I looked back to see Dean there, his eyes red from crying. I turned around and hugged him. He was all I had left. The one person I could count on. "I'm sorry Drew." He muttered. I said nothing, knowing that there was nothing to say. We broke apart and I saw Drew's father standing behind, a look of sympathy on his face. I turned away immediately. I didn't want sympathy; I wanted my mother. I heard Dean's footsteps retreat as he walked on the dried leaves on the ground. I looked over to my dad who was also standing by the grave. As if he could sense it, he looked up at me too and we shared looks for a second. I wanted to walk over to him but I found myself rooted to the spot.

For what felt like ten minutes we just stared at each other. Nothing needed to be said. We understood each other's pain and somewhere in our looks, we told each other we had to move on. To get on with life, to make sure that mom would look down on us and need not worry about us. Finally he took a deep breath, closing his eyes and turned to head back to his jeep. I did the same, looking at my mom's grave one last time before turning and heading for my truck.

"...No dad..." I heard the faint voice of Dean in the distance. I ignored it, just heading for my truck. "You can't make me do that." I heard again, this time louder and clearer. Obviously, they were somewhere near my truck. Finally I saw them, about fifty feet away from where I was. "His mom just passed away dad, how do you expect me to tell him that?" Dean shouted, tears threatening to spill.

"Tell me what?" I said. They didn't know I was there because they jumped at the sound of my voice. Dean quickly wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I'll leave you two to talk. I'll head off first." Mr. Callaway said, walking off. I looked to Dean who was awkwardly playing with his fingers. We stood there for a whole minute, neither of us saying anything.

"Come on, get in the truck. We can talk on the way back to yours." I said, walking over and getting behind the steering wheel. Dean hesitantly got in but buckled himself in anyway. I drove out of the cemetery, heading for his home. "So what was it you're supposed to tell me?"

"It's not important." He stated, looking out the window.

"It sounded important back there. You were screaming at your dad."

"It's nothing alright. Geez. You have enough on your plate already." He shouted, glaring at me before quickly turning back to face out the window.

"Yeah you're right. My mom just died. All I need is my best friend keeping secrets from me." I spat, sarcasm oozing from my mouth.

"I'm moving okay!!" he shouted. I slammed on the breaks, bringing us to a halt in the middle of the road. Thank god there wasn't anyone behind me or they would have collided with me for sure.

"What?" I asked, unsure if what I heard was correct.

"I told you, you have enough to deal with. I don't need to burden you with mine too."

"You're moving?" I repeated. All my fears were coming true. Dean was moving away. After so many years, he was really moving away this time. I just lost my mom and now I was going to lose my best friend too. Dean remained quiet, looking out the window, unsure of what to say. I would be tongue tied if I were in his position too. "When?" I managed to squeeze out, although the last thing I wanted to do was talk about his imminent departure.

"In a week." I took in a deep breath. I didn't expect it to be so soon. I mean give me a month at least, but no, life gave me one week. It dawned on me that that would mean Dean wasn't going to be joining me for senior year.

"That's before school starts." I stated as if he didn't already know that. He sighed, not saying anything after that. I shook my head and continued driving him home. The rest of the car ride was silent, only the sound of the engine and the tires as they rolled over the tarmac. The sky was overcast, signs of a thunderstorm approaching. I felt myself slowly slipping back to my depressed state. Why did the world have to do this to me? It wasn't fair. Why did everything have to happen to me? As if taking my mother away wasn't enough, my best friend was being taken away too.

I stopped in front of his house and looked at the humble abode. It looked almost identical to mine from the outside, although as I had found out over the many years of going over to his, that the insides were as different as could be. While mine had the feeling of a country cabin, with its parquet floorboards, mahogany walls and solid stone fireplace, his was state of the art. Marble tiles, metallic kitchen and enough gadgets to make an electronics shop envious.

I waited for Dean to exit but he just sat there looking at the dashboard. I wasn't going to chase him out. I had a week left with him, and every moment I could spend with him I was going to. "I'll still be here for your birthday though, if you still wanted to do something." He said. My birthday? I thought about it and remembered that my birthday was in three days time. With everything that has happened, it seemed like such an insignificant thing. "I'll understand if you don't want to do anything though." He said. I looked at him and smiled sadly.

"Nah, I need to get my mind off things for a while. Plus, it's the last birthday I'm going to spend with you so I might as well right?"

"Hey, this is not last goodbyes okay. We're still going to be best buds. I'm gonna call you and Skype and whatever. We're gonna play video games until late and laugh at each other's bad jokes. We're gonna talk about our futures after high school and salvage the joke that is our love lives. We're gonna graduate from college and maybe move to the same town where we'll both settle down. We're gonna stay friends, no matter the distance that's between us." He said.

I smiled, looking over at him. "I love you man." I said, grabbing him for a hug. He hugged back, giving me a tight squeeze.

"Yeah man I love you too." He said pulling away. "And I know you hate people telling you this but I'm gonna say it anyway. It gets better."

"I hope so man. I really hope so." He smiled sadly before exiting the truck. I watched him walk up to his house before he turned around at his porch, giving me one last wave, which I returned before driving off.

I was still sad that Dean was leaving but I knew what he said was true. We would still be friends, even if he were halfway across the country. It's just that I would not be able to hang with him, physically at least. I drove home, thinking about how I was going to spend the next few days with Dean. Though I was still depressed about my mom, I was going to make this the best few days of my life. I owed Dean that much at least. I kept talking about how this affected me but I didn't look at it from his perspective.

He was moving and leaving his best friend too. Being Dean, knowing that he was leaving me after what happened to my mom, would have been just as bad as for him as it was for me. He was a caring person and since middle school, he had always wanted to be there for whatever problems I had. He was my pillar of strength so to speak. So for him, leaving me when I was hurting was as much a pain for him to bear too.

I stopped in front of my house, seeing my dad's jeep parked there. I remember how I used to hate the fact that he was home, to see his disinterested expression whenever it came to me. The day he told me about my mom's passing was the first day in a long time that he showed me any sort of emotion whatsoever. To be honest, I wasn't sure where our relationship was going to go after that.

My mom was gone, the one person who made living with my dad bearable and probably the other way too. With her now out of the picture, I wondered where that would lead us. Would he disown me now, kick me out of the house and tell me he never wanted to see me again? Would he welcome me back to his heart, back to the days that we hung out and bonded with each other? Or would we remain status quo, him pretending I don't exist?

The answer to that question was a big fat, I don't know.

But there was one way to find out and find out I had to as I stepped out of truck, slamming the door shut and locking it behind me. I took my time walking up the porch, looking at the grass growing on the lawn, remembering so many months ago when I said I was going to mow the lawn, only to enter the house to the smell of my mom's baking.

I opened my front door but I smelt nothing. No cookies in the oven; no whiff of perfume my mom used to wear. I felt my insides wrench in sorrow. Never will I ever shout 'Mom I'm home' again. Never again will she smile at me, kissing me on the cheek. Never again will she tell me she loved me.

I let out a small whimper as I closed the door and leaned against it, sliding down to the floor. I closed my eyes, keeping the tears at bay, not wanting to cry anymore. I was exhausted and I had to be strong. I cursed at myself, telling myself that I could carry on; that that was what my mom would have wanted. Keep my head held high and get on with life, not mope around all day. She deserved that wish.

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes before pushing myself up to stand. I walked to the living room to see my dad, lying back on the couch, his head thrown back on the headrest. He took a deep breath, eyes closed, probably trying to keep his emotions in check as I was doing just moments ago. He and I were alike in so many ways, but it didn't matter after I came out. Whatever similarities we had were put in our past.

"Dad." I said, waiting for him to give me a response. This was the time to find out the answer to the question I was asking myself earlier. Would he kick me while I'm down, say sorry and hug me or say nothing at all. He kept his eyes close as if not hearing me. "Dad...Dean is moving away." I said.

If anything was going to get him to say something, it was that. He knew Dean and I were inseparable and it was the perfect time to tell me to fuck off and go with him, or tell me it's all right.

I got neither.

He just sat there, indifferent, acting like he didn't hear a thing. I guess I found the answer to my question. I was hurt to say the least. I would have preferred him kicking me out to be honest, scream at me or something. Doing that would have showed me that he at least cared enough; that I was worth the effort. No such luck. I was nothing to him. Not even worth the effort of listening to.

I sighed, turning around and heading up to my room. Closing my door, I dropped down onto my bed, burying my face in my pillow. I lay like that for a while before my phone vibrated in my pocket. I groaned, reaching into my jeans and pulling out my phone. I lifted my head off my pillow to read the text from Dean.

"I know what we're gonna do on your birthday." I read. That night was spent texting each other, or should I say him texting me his plan and me trying to talk him out of it. I mean come on it was my birthday, why were we doing something he wanted to do. But of course try as I might, I eventually gave in to him, which was why I was waiting outside school on the night of my birthday.

Of course no one other than Dean wished me, not even my dad. But I can't say that I was surprised. I looked up at the night sky as I waited for Dean, lying on the hood of my truck. He told me to wait here while he got some stuff. I was pretty sure that whatever we were about to do was borderline illegal. As I stared at the starry sky, well as starry as it could be in Seattle at least, I thought about my mom, somewhere up there smiling down on me.

"Happy birthday Sweetie." I imagined my mom say. I smiled and closed my eyes and breath in the cool night air. Somehow the depressing feelings I had were kept at bay, probably because of Dean. He always had a way of making me feel better and with the amount of time we've spent together the past few days, it's no wonder I wasn't feeling depressed. Of course, I knew this was only temporary. Once Dean left, I knew I would drop right back to my funk, maybe more so than before because I didn't have him there to bring me out of it.

I shook the thought from my mind. This night was not going to be spoilt by my negative thoughts. It was my birthday, my last with Dean, at least for a long time and I was going to enjoy it. Just be with my best bud like he has always been there for me.

"Sorry I'm late." Dean said, walking up to my truck.

"What's new?" I deadpanned.

"Well I...you...oh nevermind. C'mon let's go." He said, walking towards the school with his large bag he brought along. I slid off my truck following closely behind him. Now that he was here, I suddenly felt my nerves acting up. My head scanned the vicinity, making sure no one was around.

"You sure this is a good idea?" I whispered as we rounded the school to the football field.

"Oh you're not backing out now. This is going to be a birthday you'll never forget." He said. It already was a birthday I won't forget, seeing as it was my first birthday without my mom. I slapped myself again, keeping all those thoughts at bay. Not tonight. He stopped outside the fence surrounding the football field, dropping his bag on the floor; the sound of metal hitting the ground reverberated across the silent field.

"Geez what did you bring?" I asked, kicking the bag, which was a lot heavier than it looked.

"Just in case." He said, climbing over the fence. "Throw my bag over." He instructed and I did as he told, heaving the mass over the fence. I proceeded to follow suit and climbed over as well. Before I even got over, Dean was already off, heading towards the locker rooms.

I ran over to him to catch up. "Why must we go through here anyway?" I asked.

"Because..." He trailed off, pushing the locker room door, which parted easily. He turned to me and smirked, not before I rolled my eyes though. Only Dean would know the locker room doors wouldn't be locked, being the troublemaker that he was. I followed him in walking past the row of lockers before I stopped in front of one. "C'mon dude, what's the hold up." Dean asked when he noticed I stopped.

I looked at the name of the locker, smiling evilly. Nick Preston's locker. "Do you have anything beside tools in that bag of yours. Anything smelly or something?"

"No, all I have is tools and a marker." He said.

"Good enough, hand me the marker." I asked, catching the thrown marker.

"What are you doing?" Dean asked walking over to me as I started writing on his locker in permanent ink. Dean expression went from curiosity to plain disinterest. "Seriously?" He cocked an eyebrow in my direction.

"What? It's sure to get his teammates questioning him."

"What are we, in preschool?" He stated, walking away shaking his head as he went. I read through the message I left on his locker

'Hey Nick, you were great the other day. Still can't believe you took all 10" of me. I was so afraid you're teammates would walk in. You were moaning so loud. Can't wait for next time. Love, Jake.'

"Take that you homophobic jackass." I mumbled following Dean out the locker room and following him up to the second floor. He stopped in front of the chained gate that led to the roof, taking out a pair of chain cutters. I just stood back and watched as he swiftly broke the lock and let the chain fall to the floor. "You do that a lot?"