Lost and Found

"Need an extra pair of hands, sugar?"

"Well, uh, no, not really," she began, refusing to show complete incompetence in the kitchen. I don't know how to cut an onion for God's sake! "But if you were to take the onion and the knife away from me and maybe show me exactly how you would like the onion to be sliced that would probably benefit us all," she carefully continued. Somewhere to the left of them John chuckled.

"Yes, maybe I should show you then," Sarah said smiling. Sarah still standing behind her redheaded friend took the onion and began peeling it. "And this is how you slice it," Sarah instructed and began slicing the onion. Jessica enjoyed the company of her friend, enjoyed the fact she was so near her that she could smell her sweet, minty breath. "Don't make the pieces too big or too small and you'll do just fine, okay?" As Sarah left, she slapped Jessica's tushy. "Work it soldier!"

The dinner was one of the best Jessica had ever had. Not so much because of her excellent skills on the chopping board but because they had made it together, an experience new to Jessica. She was in a nice house with seemingly good friends where light banter came naturally between all three of them. As Colin Hay's ever so cheerful "Beautiful World" played in the background, she found herself strangely content. Jessica was only one year older than Sarah and had so many more things she wanted to do in life, but this, this that she had right now, was all she ever really needed. As the dinner ended, John headed for the pub while Sarah and Jessica sat down in front of the TV, sipped on some wine and talked about everything and nothing. Before either noticed, hours had passed and Sarah asked Jessica if she'd like to stay the night.

"You'll have to bunk in the same bed as I do though, if that's okay? The bed is roomy enough for the both of us and I'm fairly sure I don't snore."

"You are fairly sure, huh? I guess there's just one way to find out then," Jessica said as she smiled.

"You know where the bathroom is. I'll bring you a towel and a fresh tooth brush, and, uh, one of John's t-shirts. They are big and comfy." Soon they were both in bed, neither wearing anymore than underwear and a t-shirt.

As they both lay in the bed, each facing their own direction, Sarah thought about her red haired friend. Jessica was always so well dressed and elegant, always had this sexy business look to her. Calm and assertive, Jessica seemed to be a lot more secure in her than she was. And she made her feel special. Jessica's mere presence could bring a smile to her face, and seeing her in the same room was enough to calm the stormy winds that sometime blew around her, even more so lately since Sam had... Her mind froze.

Oh Sam. I'm so sorry we didn't pay better attention. I'm so sorry we weren't there for you.

Tears welled up into her eyes and even though she desperately willed herself not to sob or cry, it was too late. Please God, don't let Jess hear me.

Jessica, however, was awake too; even more so when she heard her friend cry. What was she supposed to do? Ever since the mall experience she was careful not to step outside her boundaries but it hurt so bad to know that she was crying, to not be able share her pain.

Sarah's friend thought long and hard whether or not to press Sarah for details, but in the end decided against it. She figured that Sarah would tell her if she felt the need for it.

Still, I can't just leave her there...

Sarah suddenly felt the bed jostle as Jessica moved about and before she knew it, Jessica's arms wrapped themselves around her slim torso, pulling her into her own sweet embrace. Sarah turned around in her arms and as she did, Jessica saw her teary eyes and puffy cheeks. She gently pressed Sarah's head into her bosom, into the soft fabric of the t-shirt.

"I'm here for you, sweetie." she whispered into Sarah's ear. "With me you are safe." With that, the flood gates opened. Sarah cried heavily, one of her hands grabbing hold of the bedcovers and squeezing hard, her knuckles going white. Jessica gently put her one free hand over her blonde friend's knuckled one, squeezing it lightly, stroking it lovingly, and willing Sarah to calm down. Sarah's grip softened and soon Jessica managed to intertwine her fingers with Sarah's. Soothing words were whispered as the older of the two gently stroked the younger one's back until the she calmed down. In the end, Sarah's not very stable voice broke the silence.

"I'm so sorry you had to see me like this," she whispered.

"Don't be," said the gentle reply. "We have all cried, haven't we?"

"I feel so ashamed," she continued. "I was afraid that you'd leave me, once you saw me like that, that I'd scare you away or... Something ..."

"Hey, look at me. Look at me, Sarah." Jessica placed her slim hand gently under Sarah's chin and lifted up her face so that their eyes met. "I'd never do that, okay?" Jessica held her gaze steady a little longer before she gently let go of her chin. Sarah once again lost herself in those green eyes, her emotions overflowing.

"Why are you being so kind to me, Jess?

Jessica could hear that her tears weren't far away and carefully picked her words, not wanting to upset her friend any further.

"Because I think you deserve it", she replied softly. "Because I think you are funny. You are cute." She hesitated for a moment before she continued. "Because I think you are going through a rough patch and I want to be there for you. Because I like you."

Quietness once again filled the room.

"Hey..." Sarah began.

"Mhm?"

Sarah fidgeted nervously where she lay. "May I ask how many girlfriends you have had? Not that it's any of my business, but..."

"Oh, I don't know. 40-50?"

Sarah's eyes went wide. "You serious?"

Jessica grinned."No, baby." She paused before she continued. "Three, counting you."

"You think of me as your girlfriend?"

"Well, we are sleeping together," Jessica chuckled. Sarah wiped away her tears as she smiled.

"I've had two girlfriends," she continued. "Does it bother you?"

Somewhere deep inside her, Sarah felt jealousy stir. An ugly emotion and it wasn't even fair to Jessica. As if her friend had read her mind, Jessica continued.

"Don't let it. With my first love I had a great time, but unlike me, who wants to be in it for the long run, she wasn't as interested. It got bad at the end. Harsh words were said, some that could be forgiven and some that could not." Jessica's voice was distant as she sought to remember her past, a past that she wasn't all that fond of. "My second girlfriend was... It only lasted for a month or so. It ended in physical abuse." A pained expression swept over her face, but disappeared as quickly as it had come. Sarah wanted to ask more but decided against it.

"What about me?"

"What about you, love?"

"Do you think I'm girlfriend material?" Sarah finally asked, almost holding her breath.

Jessica stared straight into the wall behind Sarah as she whispered, "Yes, I do".

Nothing else was said that night and soon they both slept, Sarah in the safe embrace of Jessica's arms.

The next morning after Jessica awoke first. She decided to go downstairs and grab something to eat without waking up her friend, thinking that she needed her sleep from whatever it was that's eating her up. As she went downstairs, she saw John standing in the kitchen, making breakfast. He turned around, gave her a warm smile and said good morning to her.

"'Morning, tiger."

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Yeah, slept like a baby," she replied as she sat herself down at the kitchen table. 

"Ready for some breakfast?"

"Yeah sure. What are we having?"

"French toast and bacon. It's Saturday after all." He turned his attention back to the stove again. "So, how are you two doing?"

"What do you mean?" she asked as she raised her eyebrow.

He shrugged and turned around. "You make a great couple together, don't you think?"

Jessica stared long and hard into his brown eyes, judging Sarah's brother. She hadn't told him about her feelings, had she? No, she hadn't. She remembered what Sarah had said the other day, and while his eyes revealed nothing to her, she could feel his eyes penetrating her mental defenses, reading her like an open book. She averted her gaze. 

"I don't think she's interested in me in that way," she replied softly with sadness in her tone. It hurt to say it out loud.  

"I think she is."

"What makes you say that?"

"She talks about you a lot. Whenever she's with you, her attitude changes and her face lights up. Most importantly, she smiles." 

A bit hesitant to continue, Jessica waited and then went for it. "She seems to be hurting."

He nodded. "Or healing, depending on your point view. She hasn't told you yet, huh?" Jessica shook her head. "I think it is best you hear it from her though," he continued. He walked over to her at the kitchen table and squatted down in front of her. 

"She's fighting one battle here," he touched her forehead, "and she's fighting one over here," he continued as he moved his finger to softly tap Jessica on her chest. "When one fight resolves itself I'm fairly sure the other one will follow." 

Jessica bit her lip. "What do you propose I do?"

"Be yourself. Nobody does it better," he said with a smile on his face. "Be patient. Be supportive. She'll tell you when she's ready." He contemplated what he had said. "Although I think you already know this," he finished. Jessica merely nodded.

"And you?" she caught herself saying.

"And me, what?" he said, going back to the stove, grabbing a pair of French toasts and some bacon and returned to Jessica and set down the plate in front of her. 

"I can't help but think that whatever is hurting her must be hurting you."

He stood still for a long time, his eyes locked on to hers. This time, she didn't look away.

"Until Sarah gets back on her feet, I manage."

Before Jessica had any chance to reply, Sarah came down the stairs, yawning. Both abandoned their conversation and turned their eyes to her. 

"Good morning sleepyhead. Want some breakfast?" John asked.

"Yeah, I'm just going to head to the loo. Be right back."

As Sarah went for the toilet, Jessica got up and gave John a hug and kissed him on his cheek.

"What was that for?" he asked, perplexed.

"I understand you are hurting as well," she said as she stood next to him. "I just wanted to show that I care, okay?"

A tired smile swept over his face. "Thank you, Jess. You are one of a kind, you know that?"

As Sarah came back, Jessica excused herself and she too went to the ladies room.

"Hey sis," he began as she walked up to him and into his arms. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay, I guess. And you?" He avoided the question, just as Sarah expected he would. He was dealing with it in his own way after all. Instead, he changed the subject.

"She's nice, you know?"

"Jessica? Yeah, she is."

"Maybe something to hold on to," he pressed her and looked deep into her hazel brown eyes. She sighed and looked away.

"How long have you known?" she asked quietly, slightly annoyed.

"Only since last night. Your eyes were on her like a hawk eyeing its pray. I'm a guy, sis. I can spot oogling a mile away," he grinned. She couldn't help but blush.

"So what do you think, then..?" she continued.

"Does it matter what I think? Isn't it more important what you think?"

"I love you. Of course your opinion matters."

"I like her. I say go for it, in your own time that is."

"I'm just so confused," she whispered. "It's all going too fast. This is all so new for me."

"I know, but you'll work it out. You always do. One small piece of advice, if I may? I think it's better to choose the future over the past because that's where your life lies."

She raised her head and kissed her brother on his cheek.

"You always know what to say. Love you."

"Love you too," he said as Jessica came back into the kitchen. Together they sat down and ate breakfast

Later that day they headed to Sarah's apartment. Sarah needed to get a few items since she was to be staying at her brother's house for a while longer, and she asked whether or not Jessica would like to go with her. Jessica had no other plans and thus, they left for Sarah's apartment after breakfast.

Sarah's apartment was in total silence. It just occurred to Sarah that she hadn't been there since the night it all went so horribly wrong and whenever she had needed something from the apartment John had gotten it for her. No, she didn't even want to be in the apartment at all and as she automatically stepped back a few steps, she unknowingly headed into Jessica's arms.

"Something wrong, sweetie?" she said as she wrapped her arms around her friend, hugging her gently and planting a friendly kiss on the back of her head.

Sarah swallowed. The apartment had gotten cramped with anxiety, panic and the distant smell of death. "I, I don't like it here. You know what, this was a dumb idea. Can't we just leave, please?'

"Let's just get what you came for, okay? You wanted some fresh clothes and your laptop, yes? We'll be quick about it."

Sarah nodded hesitantly, grabbed a hold of Jessica's hand and then they left the hallway, heading into the living-room. Jessica whistled in surprise when she saw one wall filled with several shelves with books.

"This is like small library!"

"Yeah, this is mostly where I work. That's my reading chair," she pointed at a huge leather armchair, "and that's my desk." She pointed to her desk where the laptop was. Jessica was amazed over the sheer size of the room. On the opposite wall of the book shelves were a big flat screen TV and a couch with a coffee table. In one of the corners there was a fire stove, and on the same wall as the book shelves her desk and armchair were placed. On the floor was a big auburn carpet that Jessica was sure must have cost a fortune. Despite it being day, the room was fairly dark with all the darker colors suppressing the light. It was cozy enough, Jessica thought.

"I have been meaning to ask," Jessica began, "how come you are staying with him? Your brother I mean,"

The pause was just a bit too long for Jessica and she knew that whatever her friend would say it would be a half-truth.

"Sometimes it gets lonely, that's all."

As Sarah went to get her laptop, Jessica looked among the book shelves finding a lot more than just books. Photos, stuffed animals and souvenirs from what appeared to be from her travels around Europe all shared space with the books.

As she studied the photos closer, she noticed that many of them were family pictures and even sorted chronologically, so when one went from one side of the room to the other, one could follow the lives of the Masons. The first ones only contained Mr. and Mrs. Mason, but then Sarah was introduced as a small baby and a bit further down the line John as well. A few photos later she could see Mrs. Mason being pregnant again, but then suddenly she was gone. She looked on the previous picture again. One picture she was there, in the other she was not. An unpleasant feeling nestled its way into Jessica's mind. In Mrs. Mason's place was a small toddler cradled by their dad. As the pictures (and the years) went by, soon the dad had vanished as well, all too early by the look of him in the previous picture. Left were Sarah, John and the unnamed teenager. Jessica made a mental note of it. She'd ask Sarah and when the right opportunity presented itself, this clearly not being the right time.

Chapter 4

The following week Jessica was back on her job and since she had some catching up to do she hardly saw Sarah at all. They usually spoke on the phone before bed time and occasionally they would meet in the pub for a drink, but no more than that. When Sarah called Jessica, asking whether or not she would like to accompany her to the Mason's cabin and staying there for the weekend, Jessica was quick to accept. She had simply been working too much and besides, she missed Sarah. Around noon on the following Saturday Jessica showed up outside John's house and entered through the open back door.

"Hello? Anybody home?"

"Hey Jess. I'm in the kitchen!" John called. "Sis is upstairs, getting ready for your weekend."

Jess made her way into the kitchen and saw John emptying the dishwasher.

"Hey tiger," she said as went over to him and gave him a hug.

"Hey, how's it going? You settled in yet?"

"Sure, but as always when it comes to work there is lots to do but little time do it in."

Before they could continue, Sarah came down the stairs with an overnight bag over her shoulder.

"You ready?"

"Yes!"

"Alright, you ladies take care and give me a holler if you need anything," John said. "I mean, you're only like 40 minutes away, but by God will it be beautiful this time of year. Enjoy the sunsets -- they are magical," he finished with a smile on his face.

The women left the house and as John heard the car engine wake from its slumber his actions slowed down. The façade that John had worn during the past three weeks had, by now, run its course. For the past few days, he had been running on willpower alone, keeping a smile on his face as to not worry his sister. His body was exhausted, his mental state in shambles. He had hardly slept at all these past few days, thinking about his family and the death of his brother. Certain that Sarah was in good hands, he finally gave in to his body. The big firefighter crashed down on the floor, china shattering all over the place. His breathing became shallow, his pulse was on a steady decrease and soon he drifted into unconsciousness as his body sent a final protest about how it had been treated.

The cabin was located on the edge of a cliff, built by Sarah's grandparents before she had been born. The view was simply amazing, with the cabin residing on the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley down below.

It was sometime after nine o'clock and Sarah and Jessica sat on the porch, enjoying the slow descent of the sun. They had both been quiet for over 20 minutes, just enjoying each other's company. Then, Sarah broke the silence.

"I learned something about myself this past week," Sarah began. Her friend had her head in Sarah's lap, and was gently fiddling with one of Sarah's hands. Sarah's other hand was stroking Jessica's velvet like red hair softly. Sarah thought for a second, and then continued, "No wait. We will come to that." She looked down at the woman, whom she contemplated, was her best friend. Funny how fast it had all gone. Jessica looked back at her, with a gentle smile.

"Haven't you been the patient one, huh?" Sarah finally said.

"It's important to give each other space," Jessica replied.

"Thank you," Sarah whispered as she bent down and kissed Jessica's forehead. Jessica didn't expect it and was surprised by the close gesture. Sarah merely looked out over the valley again.

"His name was Sam," Sarah said, as tears clouded her vision immediately. "You saw the pictures at my apartment, yes?" Jessica nodded silently. "A week before you and I met at The Tribute, Sam... Sam didn't want to live anymore. He took his own life the 10th of August." Jessica stole a quick look at Sarah and saw tears making their way down on her cheeks. "Officially, the exact reason or reasons why Sam decided to end it are sketchy at best since no letter was left behind, but John and I have a pretty good idea of what happened." She shifted her position slightly.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie..." Jessica interjected, unsure of what to say.

"Let's go back a bit more in time, to the early 90's," Sarah began anew, her voice distant. "My mom, Julia, died in childbirth when Sam was born. She was bleeding heavily during birth and not until after did they notice that she had been bleeding internally as well. Sam survived against all odds, but mom didn't. She fought bravely though," she said as she wiped away a tear.