Lost and Found

I'm sorry but this is hard for me ok? I've spent so much time trying to forget you, trying to get over you and I'd just about managed it. I'd just about managed to get my life back on track after the car crash it became when you left and now..... and now......I don't know up from down!'

Before I knew it I was in her arms. A brief conscious thought told me I should pull away but the comfort she was giving me was too great as she held me tightly as I sobbed. The dam had burst and there would be no stopping the torrent until it had run its course. She made gentle shushing noises and stroked my hair and back as I cried until my throat was sore and I had no more tears left to shed.

I finally looked up into her face and saw the tears that also stained her face, but she was still smiling damn her!

'I'm so sorry Vicki. I'm sorry that I hurt you so badly. I'm sorry that I never gave you the chance to talk about things before I left and I can't tell you how good it is to see you again.'

Despite everything I had to smile too and as she kissed me on the cheek I felt my eyes tear up again.

'How long are you staying?'

'I'm not sure, a few days maybe. I was going to spend some time exploring the area, I haven't got definite plans.'

'Vicki I have to go now, I have an appointment with my accountant that I can't miss but can we have dinner later?'

It wasn't the answer she wanted to hear but the only thing I could think to say was:

'Why?'

'Why? Why do I want to have dinner with you?' she looked totally incredulous that I should ask such a question.

'I don't understand why you want to see me later. I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again. I'm not sure it's a good idea Jo, from my point of view at least.'

Those liquid brown eyes had hurt written all over them and she seemed crestfallen. It had taken all my courage to turn her down and I desperately needed her to just walk away and let me be; just this brief encounter was going to be hard enough to bear. I was already mentally packing everything up into my car and heading back to London the second she was out of sight.

'Please Vicki? It's just dinner and then if you like you don't ever have to speak to me or see me ever again. Just one evening, a couple of hours even? Please? I know I probably don't deserve it but pleeeease?'

My god! I couldn't remember Jo ever begging for anything in her life! Ok, so that's not entirely true, I can remember her laying on her back and looking down at me between her legs and begging me to stop teasing her, to give her release, but that's the only reason I've ever known her beg.

Once again my body betrayed me. I had fully intended to stand my ground and refuse but then I was never any good at denying her anything.

'Oh ok! But just a couple of hours.'

She hugged me tightly again and the familiar feeling of her arms around me was my complete undoing.

'Thank you Vicki! I'll pick you up here at 7 this evening.' and she kissed my cheek and took off across the campsite, the Labrador springing after her as I sat on the blanket in a state of shock and bewilderment.

I sat like that for some time, replaying events in my head over and over again, still trying to convince myself that it had been real, that I hadn't fallen and bumped my head and hallucinated the whole thing.

And then something strange happened. I smiled. I mean I REALLY smiled. The smile became a laugh and before I knew it I was rolling around on the blanket holding my sides in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

I was never a cowardly person; I had always faced up to my problems head on until Jo left me in such a way that I had no recourse to action. All I could do was watch her go. Now I had a chance to actually talk to her about it, to get it out of my system once and for all, to finally set myself free.

Yes I still loved her, still wanted her and to be honest with myself, I was interested in what she'd done with her life. I genuinely wanted her to be happy, so yes I would meet with her, we would talk and catch up as adults and friends and then we would go our separate ways again, by which time her ghost would be gone and I could finally get on with the rest of my life.

At least that was the plan.

By 7pm I was feeling remarkably calm and in control. At least comparatively. I had showered and changed, drunk a couple of beers from the campsite shop and was sitting outside my tent reading a book and listening to my MP3 player.

My calm was temporarily rattled when I saw a large, dark car being driven across the grass toward my tent with Jo as a passenger in the front; surely she wouldn't bring her damn husband along? Order was soon restored however when the car turned slightly and I could see the taxi sign on the side.

She waved and called to me out of the open window and I climbed into the back, the car bumping over the grass and back onto the road. The journey was only a few minutes but Jo was chatting away to the driver the whole way. My reservations came back slightly, after all – she could've married a taxi driver for all I knew, but when the car stopped and she paid the driver while saying she hoped to catch up with him and his wife sometime soon I settled down again.

We'd been dropped off outside a restaurant that was sat on a bluff overlooking the sea. As soon as we entered we were met by a waiter who showed us to a table on the veranda, the evening sun sparkling off the wave tops making it shine like silver. Damn! Did she have to pick somewhere so bloody romantic?

We ordered a bottle of wine and for few minutes neither of us said very much, we just sat and admired the view of the setting sun and the boats in the distance. Finally I heard Jo clear her throat.

'You look very different Vicki, I might never have recognised you, why the change?'

It was true that I'd changed a lot since she last saw me but I wasn't sure how to answer the question. I finally decided that I may as well be totally honest as I may never get another chance.

'I didn't look after myself very well for a while when you left. Once I realised what I was doing I started to put things right. I'd already lost some weight because I wasn't eating and I started going to the gym to keep myself busy. I died my hair a while later – I think I was trying to eradicate the old me and start again. I wanted to get rid of the person who hadn't been good enough for you and replace her with someone new, someone better, more worthy.'

'I really did a number on you didn't I?' She looked so sad as she reached across the table and took my hand, caressing the back gently with her thumb.

'Honestly Jo, I was a mess when you left. I had no warning and no chance for discussion; it was a complete bolt from the blue. I didn't even know where you were; in fact the next I heard was that you were getting married.'

Now it was my turn to look sad as a fleeting image of her being intimate with another person flashed across my mind.

Just then our entrees arrived and Jo asked if we could keep the conversation at least a little lighter while we ate, promising to answer any of my questions once we'd finished our meal.

'So how come you ended up in Cornwall?' I asked, hoping this was safer ground.

'Well, to start with I got a transfer to open up a new site in Exeter, however after a couple of years I finally decided that I was sick of trying to claw my way up the corporate ladder and that it was time I did something I enjoyed.

I came here for a short break and saw a "for sale" sign on a café and for once in my life I decided to take a chance.'

'It's a nice little place – the one with the blue shutters?' I asked, already knowing the answer. Jo looked at me in amazement, so I told her how I had thought I'd seen her earlier in the day.

'Why the hell didn't you come in and say hello?'

'Because I've been seeing your face and hearing your voice everywhere I go for the last 3 bloody years and it's never actually, really you! I had no idea you in Cornwall so I assumed it was just my imagination playing tricks again. Besides, if I had known it was really you I'd probably have run a mile!'

Suddenly we were both howling with laughter at how ridiculous it was that I would have deliberately avoided her given the chance, but we ended up bumping into each other anyway.

It broke the ice and allowed us to relax and soon enough we were chatting like the old friends we were, remembering shared times and acquaintances, laughing and joking as if there had never been any trauma between us.

We watched the sun set and I realised that once again her hand was covering mine on the table, it felt wholly natural to turn my hand and lace my fingers through hers as the last orange rays descended, leaving us with candle light.

I had always loved the way Jo's face looked by candle light; the way the soft flickers made her eyes dance and shine. We were sat silently again, just looking into each other's eyes and as coffee was served I had to ask the question that was forefront in my mind.

'So are you happy Jo?'

Her eyes never left mine as she considered her answer, our fingers were still entwined.

'I am now.'

'Now?'

'Now that I've seen you again.'

I hadn't realised I was holding my breath until it left my body in a whoosh. My heart was hammering in my chest and I felt the emotion in her words rather then heard it. Hope leapt into my chest and the feelings that I had for this woman were threatening to engulf me. I had to make a concerted effort to stay calm; I couldn't afford to allow false hope to cloud my thinking, she was married for fucks sake!

'I can't tell you how much I've missed you Jo.' I couldn't help but say it; I could never lie to her about anything.

'I've missed you too Vicki, so very much.' Her eyes left mine and slid to the table, the nervousness apparent in her voice 'Can we, could we, maybe ... spend some more time together? Tomorrow maybe? I could show you around, if you want to that is?'

Her eyes tentatively found mine again, searching for a reaction, an answer, a form of acceptance. It was now or never. The question I dreaded asking.

'Won't your husband mind?'

I could hear the blood rushing through my ears as I waited for her answer, waited for her to tell me that he'd be fine as he didn't know our history; waited for her to tell me what a kind, loving and considerate man he was. I didn't want to hear any of it and yet I knew I must.

'I'm single Vicki. It's true that I did get engaged briefly after a whirlwind affair but I broke it off long before we started actually planning the wedding.'

'Oh I'm sorry Jo.' And you know what? On some level I truly was sorry. Sorry that she hadn't found happiness. On another level I was over the fucking moon and jumping for joy!

'What happened? Why did you split up?'

'He wasn't right for me Vicki. He's a nice guy, intelligent, fairly good looking, caring but........... he wasn't you.'

By now I had fanfares and fireworks going off in my head and just when it was my turn to say something my damn mouth had seized up again. There were so many sentences in my head fighting to get out that none of them made it past my lips, instead I just lifted our hands to my mouth and lightly kissed the back of her fingers. I needed to find some control again, keep it light.

'So what are you going to show me tomorrow, don't you have to be at the café?'

'I haven't actually taken over the café properly yet. The sale is complete and it's definitely mine but I don't take control for another few weeks. I have to be there in the morning to sign some papers but I can be free from about midday. Since you already know where it is why don't you meet me there at noon and we'll take it from there?'

As we sat in the taxi on the way back Jo again took my hand in hers and when we arrived at the campsite she turned to me, looking shy.

'You know I have a perfectly comfortable bed at my place, I mean a comfortable SPARE bed!' she amended in haste. 'You don't have to sleep in a tent you know.'

She looked embarrassed and I wondered if she'd also had fleeting visions of what we used to get up to together in bed.

'Thanks but I'm good; you know how much I like camping.'

To be quite honest – I needed some alone time to process everything that had happened and I knew I'd never think straight with Jo in close proximity. She climbed out of the cab with me and we hugged once more, kissing cheeks as we said our goodbyes, except this time it wasn't really "goodbye", it was "see you soon" and as Jo climbed back into the car and I headed off across the dark field to my tent, I swear my smile was bright enough to light the way ahead.

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Jo walked into her cottage and leaned back against the front door, sighing deeply.

'What in god's name am I doing?' she asked her dog, who was looking at her expectantly.

It had been such a surprise to see Vicki on the beach and yet as soon as she'd recognised her she felt as if she'd come home, felt as if a part of herself that she hadn't even realised was missing, had been restored.

She was 3 years older than she was when she'd walked out on Vicki and her life had changed drastically. She hadn't realised just how much she'd relied on Vicki for her support and strength until she'd left her and she'd had to learn to support herself emotionally. The argument Jo had with her parents about her choice to give up the corporate lifestyle and the associated generous salary had almost been her undoing and had they had almost convinced her that she was doing the wrong thing, but she wanted to do something that was fulfilling, something she could actually enjoy, rather than something to just earn money.

Did she also have the bravery to fight for Vicki this time around and tell her controlling parents to go to hell? She hadn't wanted to leave Vicki and she certainly hadn't wanted to hurt her but that's exactly what she'd ended up doing. She had to be sure of herself this time because she didn't want to lead her on and she certainly couldn't bear to break both their hearts again.

Jo didn't think of herself as gay, or even really bisexual for that matter, she just happened to have fallen head over heels in love with someone and that someone happened to be a woman. Surely finding your soul mate is what's important, not what gender they are right?

Was the idyllic lifestyle she was building for herself in this beautiful part of the country worth anything at all if she couldn't share it with the one person she loved above all others?

'You found her again for me didn't you boy?' she asked the dog, who gave a small bark, as if in confirmation 'What the hell am I going to do? I still love her and I can't bear to lose her again. What if she doesn't want anything to do with me, she has no reason to trust me again.'

The dog looked at her, his head cocked to one side as if mulling the situation over but his final answer was to roll onto his back and wait for his tummy to be scratched.

'You're no help!' she told the dog as she petted him before climbing the stairs to bed.

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Having been awoken by the sound of bird song, I left the tent and walked across the field to the shower block to get showered and dressed, all the while humming and singing to myself; I hadn't felt this happy for a long, long time and had I seemed to have boundless energy.

Back at the tent I pulled on my walking boots, consulted a map and headed off along the coast for a long walk that was destined to get me, by a circuitous route, to Jo's café at about midday.

As I walked I tried to rationalise the events of the previous day. Call it luck or call it fate, there was a reason for us bumping into each other and I decided that I had to find out what it was.

I knew I was on dangerous ground and that the possibility of getting my heart broken all over again was a definite possibility, however I also acknowledged that we might actually manage to restore our friendship and if I dared to let myself hope, maybe something more.

I walked for hours at a leisurely pace and before I knew it I was passing the B&B where I'd spent my first night, so I retraced my steps of the previous morning, finding myself at the top of the road where I had felt so ill at ease the previous day. This time though, despite the road still being in shade, I felt none of the chill that had made me feel so anxious the previous day and instead of my hackles rising I felt eager and excited as I strolled along the cobbles with a spring in my step.

Rounding the bend near the bottom of the road the café came into view, its blue woodwork inviting me forward and as I drew closer I could see Jo sat in the courtyard with a man, piles of paperwork spread out on the table in front of them.

I was early and didn't want to interrupt their meeting, so I took a table inside and ordered a coffee while I waited. I could see Jo through the window and marvelled at the change in her. She was talking so animatedly, her hand gestures effusive and she looked so wonderfully happy that I had no doubt that buying this café was the right thing for her to do; she seemed more relaxed than I could ever remember in the past.

Just before midday Jo looked at her watch, scribbled one last signature, shook the man's hand and got up from the table. She headed toward the door and her face broke into wreathes of smiles as she saw me sat inside.

'Hi, sorry I didn't know you were here.' She bubbled like an excited child as she rushed over and gave me a hug.

'Hi yourself, I didn't want to interrupt you, I was a bit early.'

'Give me a couple of minutes and I'll be with you.'

I watched her arse, clad in tight jeans, as she disappeared through a door in the back and I couldn't help but feel my body respond as I remembered holding those cheeks in my hands. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but damn she looked good!

A few minutes later she came back, struggling with a large picnic hamper. I stood up to greet her, kissed her cheek and automatically took the heavy basket from her; both actions were so set into my psyche that I didn't even think about it.

I followed her out of the restaurant and loaded the hamper into the boot of her car, noticing that she still had the same Mini. On getting into the car I was amazed – her car had always been immaculate in the past, not so much as a speck of dust had dared rest on the dashboard but now it was as much of a tip as mine, with sweet wrappers and water bottles discarded in the foot wells and on the back seat.

'Blimey Jo, your standards have dropped a bit girl!' I chuckled heartily.

She looked at me smiling, a look of resignation on her face before she spoke.

'I could be a bit of an uptight bitch sometimes couldn't I? I didn't mean to be like that, it's just that I had to be so organised for work and was always so stressed, I guess it spilled over into my personal time.'

'I think you're over compensating now though!' and as we both looked at the piles of detritus in the car we couldn't help but laugh, and damn it felt so good to be laughing with this woman once again.

We only drove for a couple of minutes before pulling up outside of a lovely old stone cottage with leaded light windows. Jo jumped out of the car, returning swiftly with her dog in tow.

'Vicki, I'd like to introduce you properly to Buster. He's very stubborn and wilful but always friendly.'

The big, black dog jumped into the back of the car and stuck his head between the seats, licking my face.

'Well hello again to you Buster, not planning on drowning me again today I hope, maybe I should've brought a change of clothes just in case! Nice house by the way Jo, I assume it's yours?'

'Yeah, mine for now anyway. I'm renting but I have the option of buying it when my lease is up. It's a bit big for one person though.....'