tagHumor & SatireLost Camera

Lost Camera


by Philip Johnson

Chapter One

Her phone rang and when it's picked up I say, "Hi Jennie, it's Alex.

"Alex, how are you?"

"Almost as good as I'm likely to get. I called to see if you would like to spend the afternoon with me and since its July and hotter than hell, I thought we could rent a pontoon boat, have a picnic and maybe take a swim in the lake?"

"Do you mean today?"

"Yeah, sorry it's so last minute but I was supposed to work overtime and they cancelled it."

"I probably can but I'd have to be back by seven though. What time were you thinking?"

"Let's see, its ten now so how about twelve or one o'clock?"

"Should I wear a swim suit?"

"Well, you can swim in street clothes, go naked and get arrested or wear a swim suit."

"Let's make it one instead of twelve then okay?" Now, why what she wore made a one hour time difference I didn't know.

"See you then, bye." I called and reserved a boat then headed to the store for some things for the picnic basket.

I've been dating Jennie off and on for a year or so. I'm thirty three and she is a few years younger than me, something to look at to say the least, has a great sense of humor and sex with her is mind blowing. But she would be the perfect dumb blond except she has brown hair. Actually she isn't dumb but she sometimes talks and acts without thinking first and can say some of the dumbest things sometimes. About the time I think maybe I'd like to see more of her she does or says something really strange and causes me to reconsider. Think of her as a Playboy centerfold. She looks that good looking and acts about as smart as that picture.

I packed a picnic basket, put ice and drinks in the cooler, grabbed my camera and a blanket and headed to Jennie's apartment. I went to her door and knocked and waited. Then knocked and waited some more. Jennie finally answered the door in a bikini and she took my breath away. "Sorry Alex I was putting my suit on and it took me a minute."

"That suits so small I can't imagine it took very long!"

"I just need to get my sandals and I'm ready."

"Are you going to walk across the parking lot in your bikini?"

"Oh... no I need a cover don't I?"

"It's up to you. I think you look stunning but people just might stare at you." Jennie got her cover and sandals and we headed to the lake. It took about thirty minutes to get to the marina and maybe another thirty minutes to get the boat and life jackets.

We pulled away from the marina and Jennie took off her cover. God what a view. She was the reason I brought the camera! I ignored the helm and took several pictures of her. I set the timer and took several more with me holding her around the waist and my hand very close to her breast or her sitting in my lap. After the last one I had to adjust my suit just a little and sit down at the helm for a bit. I would need things like this to get me through the long cold winter. I reluctantly returned to the helm and we made our way up the lake. We were in no hurry so I eased off the throttle and enjoyed the breeze and the view. I know it's not polite to stare but I had my sunglasses on so she would never know. Besides, how could I not stare? Her suit was hot pink and very, very small. Her assets were not.

The lake we are on is Dale Hollow Lake in southern Kentucky and Tennessee. A very large Corps of Engineers lake so there are no lake front cottages. It can get busy in the summer but if you go north toward the smaller end and get into one of the coves you can get away from the speed boats and the water skiers. It can be amazingly quiet up there. We decided to ride for a little while closer to shore and enjoy the cool breeze and the lake view. The sky had large white puffy clouds here and there and the weatherman promised good weather at least through tomorrow.

I asked Jennie if she would like something to drink. "What do you have?"

"I have diet Pepsi, water, wine and Sam Adams."

"Ooh, I want a Sam Adams!"

"Coming right up." I got one for her and myself and slipped the cans into insulated covers handing one to Jennie. Ice cold beer, hot summer day and Jennie. Life was good. I abandoned the helm once again and took more pictures of us. I needed proof that I was with this beautiful creature.

We had been cruising for maybe one beer. That was how I was keeping time I decided. One beer or one glass of wine or one Pepsi. That seemed more significant to me than say, a half an hour. Anyway, I asked Jennie if she was getting hungry. I guess it was a tough question because it took her a couple of minutes to decide.

"Yeah, I guess I am Alex." I was glad she worked it out.

"I'll head toward the best area I know of for a picnic then." We cruised up the lake at a lazy pace because I figured if it took her that long to decide she was hungry she could wait a little longer to eat. As we continued I asked Jennie if she had put sun lotion on yet. The sun on the water could burn you to a crisp if you weren't careful and I didn't want that beautiful creature damaged in any way. Another pause. "I guess I didn't Alex, did you bring any?"

I said, "As a matter of fact I did bring some. Would you like me to put some on you?"

"Would you?" Now I can be a little slow some times but the thought of rubbing lotion all over Jennie required no hesitation on my part at all.

"I'll fix you up Jennie!" I shut the boat off this time. I needed to be able to focus so I wouldn't miss any important parts. I was having trouble finding the lotion. I knew I had packed it now where the hell was it. I dug through the basket and it wasn't there, I checked the blanket in case I folded it in there and it wasn't. The only place left was in the cooler. I wouldn't do that would I? I lifted the lid and there it was. Nicely settled in the ice! This could be hard for her to take.

I told her, "I put it in the cooler by mistake Jennie, it's going to be colder than a witches heart for quite a while."

"That's okay Alex, I'm hot anyway." She had to be kidding. If she didn't have a heart attack when this hit her skin I'd be surprised. I went to the bow where she was lying and said, "I'll try to warm it in my hand but it's going to be cold!"

"You're sweet Alex. The lotion will feel good. My skin feels dry and tight right now."

"Okay Jennie here goes." I poured a good amount in the palm of my hand and it was like ice! I held it there for a minute then since she was lying on her back I started on her neck and upper chest. As soon as the lotion hit her hot chest she jumped up and said,

"Shit Alex that's cold!" Duh. I wonder why.

I repeated myself. "That's what I just said." "Maybe if you used a smaller amount next time and I'll be ready."

"Okay." As I got ready to put more in my hand I noticed the ice cold lotion had caused her nipples to jump up like little thumbs in her tiny suit! Get the camera, get the camera! I grabbed the camera and took some pictures up kind of close I guess you could say.

"Why take my picture so close Alex?" I had to tell her. What lie would sound reasonable?

"I wanted to get a picture of your nipples sticking up from the cold lotion."

"Oh is that all? Here let me help." and she pulled her top to one side! Oh shit! Camera! I took more pictures. A lot more.

I kissed her and her nipples and said, "Thank you Jennie!"

"No problem Alex. Your kiss felt good!" Unfortunately she put her top back. I did more lotion but I had no idea if I did a good job. My hands were one place and my eyes were another.

Once I had regained control of my personal situation we motored on. This day could make me old before my time! I'll end up looking like I have a delayed case of Progeria.

We rode along the shore line looking for a smooth area without too much slope so we would be comfortable. We wanted to be able to swim and easily get out of the lake and lie on the blanket. A lot of the shoreline where we were was too steep to be comfortable. We found a promising looking spot and pulled in but realized there was nothing to tie the boat to that the rope would reach so we continued the search. Not much farther along there was another and it looked like it would work nicely. We pulled in and Jennie jumped to shore. Now there was something worth watching. I keep getting sidetracked. Jennie tied us to a bush and we went for a swim. The water felt fantastic! I didn't realize how hot I was. Jennie looked sensational in the water. It would have helped if she had long flowing hair but it was cut short. It was very cute but not sensual. Like she needed help.

I swam over to her and put my arms around her and kissed her as we stood in neck deep water. That more than made up for the short hair. Jennie said, "You sure know how to kiss Alex!"

"You inspire me Jennie. Shall we try that again?" We kissed again only longer that time.

"Whew Alex, maybe we should have lunch now." Like I said she wasn't dumb. She knew where that could go and so did I. Oh well, I guess I'd have to settle for food and wine instead. We got on the boat and Jennie sat at the table while I served cold chicken, cottage cheese, coleslaw and cubed melon and I poured us some white wine. We took our time eating and talking and I refilled our wine glasses until I had to open the other bottle. "That wine tastes so good Alex."

"I'm glad you like it."

I topped off her glass. Now if you were looking for me to display high moral values you

would be disappointed I'm afraid. It was my intention to use wine and line to win favors from Jennie. I wanted to see those thumbs on her chest again! You remember I said sex with her was awesome or something like that so you know I've been there before. That doesn't count. That was then and this is now. With a little help from me we finished the second bottle of wine. We lay back against the seat next to each other and closed our eyes for a minute.

Chapter Two

After sitting there in the sun, full of wine and a little chicken I said, "I need to get in the water and cool down again. Care to join me?"

"I think I better, that wine has me so mellow I need to wake up a little." Well damn, did I over do the wine and under do the line? I helped her up and we dove off the side of the boat. The cool water helped some. We just floated and soaked for several minutes swimming just enough to keep us off the bottom. I eased over to Jennie and kissed her shoulder. "That felt good Alex."

"If that felt good this should feel even better!" and I kissed her chest right next to the bikini which was very close a thumb. Okay, nipple.

"Oh you're right that did feel better!"

I managed to reach bottom with my toes and said, "This will be better yet." and I moved her top and kissed the nipple and put it between my lips. "Oh yes, Alex that felt so good!" I took the plunge and undid the top at her back and pulled her to me so I could pay my respects to all of both breasts. Jennie tilted her head back and encouraged me to continue and I did. I'll spare you the details but we ended up on the blanket with nothing on. We were more or less safe from passing boats but not entirely. Jennie didn't seem to care and neither did I. Afterward I took our picture lying on the blanket naked. Jennie with her eyes closed and me still saluting the clouds so to speak. These weren't pictures you share with your family or friends. Not even if I was drunk at the bar. We lay there for a while and Jennie leaned over and kissed me and got up saying she had to pee. I assumed she would walk into the water or over to the bush since she was still naked. Jennie just squatted and peed on the beach a few feet from the blanket! Then she waded into the water. Only Jennie would do that. I joined her in the water. I wished I could live on the lake and feel that warm softness everyday. For some reason bathtubs and pools just aren't the same to me.

I said, "I hate to say this Jennie but we have to get back before the marina closes."

"I hate to leave here Alex, I'm so comfortable. Let's do this again real soon then okay?"

"I'd love to." We picked up the blanket and shook it out and folded it. Jennie untied the rope and we shoved off. Then Jennie put her suit on! That was a definite turn on but a risky one! We headed for the marina at a good clip.

We made it to the marina with thirty minutes to spare. We loaded stuff in the car and headed home and I walked her all the way to her apartment door. Since she had other plans for seven I gave her a long kiss and said I'd call her and then headed home. Being a bachelor has it's rewards but coming home early after an afternoon like that left me feeling like I'd just read the first half of a great book and it was taken away from me. I wanted to finish the story.

I made a light dinner then considered my options. It was too late to call anybody, I almost never watch TV except the occasional movie, or I could read. On rare occasions I would go down to the bar and have a couple. I only allowed myself to do that on rare occasions because otherwise I'd be a fat, bankrupt alcoholic. I grabbed my keys and went to the bar. I saw a couple of guys I knew and we told lies and cursed the government. I hit my two drink limit and headed home.

The next few days were the usual work, eat and sleep. Nothing exciting but nothing harmful either. I had dinner with Rachel on Wednesday night and we had a lot of fun but it seemed we were more friends than potential lovers. She's a neat gal and I always enjoy being with her but that's it. On Thursday I worked late which made me more money so I could afford to wine and line again one day.

Saturday morning it was overcast and threatening rain but at least it was still July and warm. I was considering my options when I thought I'd have some more coffee and look at the pictures of Jennie. I turned on the computer and reached in the closet for the camera and it wasn't there. Now where the hell did I put it? I'm getting as bad as Jennie! The more I looked the more I knew I wouldn't find it because it was still at our picnic sight. Damn! That was a four hundred dollar camera to say nothing of the pictures on it.

I got in the car and tore down to the marina and rented a fishing boat with a large motor so I could get up there quickly. It had already been there a week so another hour wouldn't matter but I went full out anyway. I was up there in maybe twenty minutes. I jumped off the boat and looked all around and it was nowhere to be found. I was so mad I was cursing myself. I couldn't even blame Jennie. I didn't have four hundred bucks to throw away. I just stood there looking out over the lake like I expected it to magically appear.

I heard thunder in the distance so I jumped in the boat and hauled for the marina. I almost made it. It poured down just hard enough and long enough to soak me to the skin.

That took my foul mood up another notch. I asked at the marina if anybody had turned in a camera and they said no. I didn't really expect a different answer but I had to ask anyway. Well, I hope somebody enjoys the camera. I hope they choke on Jennie's pictures and die! I also hope Jennie never asks about the pictures.

I went home and sulked, pouted and generally stomped around the apartment. It's a good thing I'm on the ground floor. I was mad at myself the rest of the day. I had etched my name and phone number on the bottom of the camera along with the word "reward" but that was most likely a waste of time. Sunday I got groceries and ran other errands. I stopped and looked at new cameras and was happy to see they had come down in price but I would still have to wait awhile. Of course if I went to the lake with Jennie again I'd find a way to buy one regardless! I finished my errands and headed home.

After putting the groceries away I noticed I had a message on the machine so I punched it and it was Gail. She was looking for some company and wanted to get together and watch a bad movie and eat Chinese. I could use a friendly face that's for sure. I called Gail and invited her over. There was sure to be a bad movie on cable. Gail said she'd bring the Chinese.

Chapter Three

Gail arrived about six and we set the food out. And the chop sticks. I said "Are we really going to eat with those things?"

"Sure, it's part of the experience grump!"

"Why the hell did they ever start using these things in the first place? Can you imagine, thousands of years ago some Chinese guy was sitting in the forest and decided he was going to spend five years whittling a tree down to two little square sticks, then spend another five years to learn to eat with these two sticks. Where do you suppose the inspiration came from? It's hard for me to fathom!"

"You are so crabby and negative. I should have made you pay for dinner!"

"Sorry, I lost my four hundred dollar digital camera and it's my fault and I'm still mad!"

"How did you manage to do something like that?"

"I left it at the lake. When I went back a week later it was gone!"

"Can you imagine that? A digital camera left on the beach for a week and it wasn't there when you went back! Wow!"

"You are such a smartass." Gail just smiled. I should tell you Gail and I go way back. She is athletic and in fantastic shape but not masculine. She isn't the fine boned china doll type either. We frequently watch football in the fall and fight about who is best. We have also made love once. Neither she nor I expect the other to behave when with those of the opposite sex. All in all a fantastic friend and a good lover.

"So tell me lover, were there any pictures on this camera?"

"Oh hell yes. A lot of them."

"And were these pictures of the lake and the trees?"

"Some maybe."

"Alex you're full of shit."

"Well okay there were some um, artsy pictures."

"You convinced some babe to take it all off and took her picture and now you don't have them. Let me guess she doesn't know any of this."

"That's part of it."

"What do you mean part of it? That's quite a lot!"

"There were also pictures of me on it."

"You're going to make me work for this story aren't you?"

"Okay dammit, there were pictures of me on it and I was bare assed and had a woody!"

"Now we're getting somewhere."

"Somebody is having a great time looking a couple of naked people and laughing their asses off looking at me!"

"Honey, if it's a woman and she's looking at you, she ain't laughing!" That made me take a breath. That was about as close to a compliment as I had ever heard from her.

"Thank you Gail. Keep that up and you'll take all the steam out of my tantrum. You also might give me a big head."

"That wasn't what I had in mind! Do I know the lady in question?"

"I don't know if you do or not. Her name is Jennie and she lives in the apartments over on...."

"Lancaster, Jennie Lancaster, am I right?"

"Damn Gail, how do you know her?"

"I don't remember. I really don't know her but I've met her. Shit Alex, she is one gorgeous woman!"

"No shit."

"Why the hell are you here with me then?"

"The reasons are many Gail. Jennie is a sweet, stunningly beautiful woman and she seems to really like me."

"I feel a "but" coming."

"But, she is a little ditzy." I have fun with her but sometimes by the end of the day she is driving me nuts!" You on the other hand are a lot of fun to be with, sharp as a tack, very easy on the eyes and only occasionally drive me nuts!"

"Alex you have never paid me a compliment in all the years we've known each other. You must be really stressed!"

"I have too Gail!"

"Okay Alex, I'll count them as you name a few."

"Now stop that!"


"This is embarrassing. I've never told you I thought you were good looking?"

"Not when I was conscious or sober enough to remember."

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