Lost Girl in Transition Ch. 15

Although somewhat hopeful, she felt a kind of overwhelming powerlessness, a weakened state of being that detached her from the world. Things had changed and deep down inside she knew it, but on the surface she was lying to herself.

Previously carefree and extremely studious, Claudia was now a numb person who was unable to properly concentrate. A pervading sadness held tight to her spirit, causing her to turn inward and feel depressed.

She had no purpose now, no sense of direction or positivity. And most of all she felt shame, as well as disgust at her status as a sex abuse victim. But suddenly, a most unsettling thought passed through her mind.

Was she still carrying remnants of the rapist's semen inside of her, and if so, how long would it take until it had all been expelled?

Seeming to have come completely out of nowhere, the thought caused her stomach to heave. It seemed improbable that she was carrying anything more than a miniscule amount, but even so, that was more than enough to make her literally nauseous.

She remembered hearing some years ago that sperm lived in your vagina for seven days, and coming to the realization that she still had yet to be tested for pregnancy, Claudia felt panic flash through her body.

Oh, God. What if I am?

Walking briskly and with a weighted chest, Claudia headed straight for the campus store, breath puffing in the cold air as she wove around students who were in her path.

* * * *

A blast of warm air was flowing generously from the vents above, filling Claudia and Kimi's dorm room with a pleasant coziness. But Claudia felt chilled to the bone, and impatiently waited for the results of her pregnancy test. With three minutes now elapsed, she lifted the test stick and gazed at the window. Disappointingly, however, the clock symbol was still blinking, indicating the results weren't quite in.

Setting the test back down, she released a sign and sat on the toilet, but as the sound of the dorm door closing reached her ears, Claudia waited for Kimi to appear. A few minutes passed before she heard Kimi's footsteps, then the sound of the bathroom door creaking as it was fully opened.

"Claudia?" Stepping into the bathroom, Kimi gazed at her solemn friend. "What's up, hon? Why are you hanging out in here?"

Claudia gestured towards the pregnancy test, which sat perched on the ledge of the sink.

"Positive or negative?"

A shake of the head told Kimi that Claudia wasn't certain, so Kimi decided to have a look for herself. Nearly a minute passed before Kimi glanced up from the test, proclaiming the result that was displayed on the small window.

"It's negative, Claude. You're fine, you aren't pregnant!"

Rising to her feet, Claudia took the test from Kimi, wanting to see with her own eyes that the negative result was real. To her relief it was, and embracing Kimi with a tight hug, let out a huge breath she had been holding in.

"Oh God, I am so glad for you." Returning the hug with gusto, Kimi closed her eyes in relief.

"I don't know if It's real, though." Now pulling back from Kimi, Claudia's face was once again worried. "My period isn't due for another four days, so it could be a false result."

"Possibly," Kimi replied. "But let's just think positive and hope for the best, alright?"

Claudia nodded, but her stomach was twisting in a mix of nervousness and worry.

"Let's go out and do something," Kimi said. "Take a walk off campus and get a bite at Chubbie's."

"I'm not hungry," Claudia replied.

"Then we'll go shopping for new clothes. Ethan got paid today and gave me some money, so I'll get you a new outfit at that vintage shop."

"Thanks, but I'm not in the mood."

"Well how about I call Tristan, then? He can come over and you spend time with you, while Ethan and I go over to their dorm.

"I doubt Tristan wants to see me."

"Of course he does. He loves being around you."

"But we haven't had sex for three weeks," Claudia said.

"Well of course not," Kimi replied. "You were raped three weeks ago, Claude. It's still too soon, so why the hell would he expect it?"

"He doesn't," she said. "But I can tell he really misses it and I'm starting to wonder if he'll get it somewhere else."

"Tristan wouldn't cheat on you, Claude." Shaking her head, Kimi confirmed her statement. "He's not that type of guy, and you know it."

"We used to have sex everyday," Claudia said. "And now all I can do is let him kiss me, or occasionally touch me through clothing. He's getting bored, Kimi. I can tell that he wants to break up."

"Oh honey, no way. Tristan loves you, he doesn't care about sex."

Claudia gave Kimi a look of disbelief.

"Well okay, so maybe he does care about it. But he certainly Isn't going to dump you just because you're unable to get physical with him."

"But It's ruining our relationship."

"Nope." Her voice came out firm. "That boy loves you to death, Claude. He is not going anywhere."

A part of Claudia desperately wanted to believe, yet at the same time her insecurity made her doubt that it was true.

"Even if he was the cheating type, he's way too awkward to go after women," Kimi said. "I mean can you imagine him trying to pick one up?"

"What about Shauna?" Claudia asked. "I'm sure if he wanted to, she'd be more than willing."

"He won't do it," Kimi affirmed." He would rather cut his own arm off first before betraying you like that."

Tristan did love her. Of this much, Claudia knew was true. But she couldn't help the nagging feeling that he was growing tired of their limited contact, and in her mind, he was at least thinking of alternative options.

"This conversation is over," Kimi said. "So stop trying to convince yourself that Tristan will cheat, and come out with me so we can hang out downtown.

Still not feeling up to leaving the dorm, Claudia considered telling Kimi that she would stay behind. But knowing her best friend as well as she did, Claudia knew Kimi would nag, not letting up until she gave in.

"Okay," Claudia said. "Just give me ten minutes and I'll be ready."

"Great," Kimi replied. "We'll hit the vintage store first, and then Chubbie's."

"We sharing a basket of fries, or onion rings this time?" Claudia asked.

"Why not a full meal?" Kimi asked. "I'm treating, so let's spoil ourselves."

"Vintage shopping followed by deliciously unhealthy and fatty food," Claudia said. "You really know how to spoil a girl, don't you?"

"Because you're worth it," Kimi replied.

"You sound like a Loreal commercial," Claudia said with a smirk.

"If the saying fits," she said with a casual shrug, and grabbing Claudia's hand, led her out of the bathroom and into the main part of their dorm.

* * * *

"Wow, so you're actually leaving university?" No longer interested in her fries, Kimi stared at Claudia's face.

"Not for good." Claudia had to speak loudly above the noise in the sports bar. "Just until the end of March."

"And you'll definitely be able to continue your classes online while at home?"

"Yep." Retrieving a fry from the basket, Claudia popped it into her mouth.

"Okay." Seemingly shocked into silence, Kimi grew quiet and averted her gaze, focusing instead on a TV screen that was mounted in a corner of the restaurant.

"I don't want to, of course, but the dean sorta left me with no choice. Said if I didn't take the leave of absence, then he would suspend me for being on academic probation. Which would be worse, because that would go on my record."

"And you didn't think at all to tell me about the trouble with your grades?" The look on Kimi's face was one of amazement.

"I was ashamed." Absentmindedly, she played with the straw in her drink. "I've always been such a good student, that It's pretty embarrassing for me."

"You still should have told me."

"I know. But I figured it would be easier to just stay quiet. To deal with it on my own."

"And was it?" Kimi asked.

"Not at all. In fact it was pretty horrible, because I had no one to talk to."

"So you've learned your lesson," Kimi declared. "Never keep any secrets from your best friend."

"Yeah." Reaching her hand across the table, Claudia took Kimi's palm into her own.

"Man, It's going to suck without you in university with me."

"The time will go really quick. Before we know it, I'll be back with you in the dorm."

"Tristan will miss you a lot, and he's going to hate not having you around. Might even go stir crazy without having his daily Claudia fix."

"I'll miss him too," she replied. "But we'll see each other every weekend, and whenever I come to campus to take my tests."

"Plus there's Thanksgiving vacation next week, as well as the long winter break in December."

"Exactly. So Tristan and I will have plenty of vacation time to spend together, which will make our time apart in spring more bearable."

"We'll all ride it out just fine." Now optimistic, Kimi gave Claudia a gentle smile. "And the most important thing of all, is that you'll have time to get therapy and heal from the rape. That way when you return to uni in spring, you'll be back to yourself and getting those A's again."

"I thought I explained I was working through it alone, which means I don't need therapy. Everything will be fine, so please stop worrying because I've got my own way of dealing with this."

"Just give it a try, okay?" Kimi's words were soothing, thumb stroking the back of Claudia's hand. "I say this out of love, not bossiness, so don't get the idea that I'm trying to run your life."

"I know you aren't, Kimi. But you're worrying too much."

"You're my best friend for life, Claude. Which means It's my job to worry, so that's not going to stop."

Claudia knew this of course so she didn't bother with a rebuttal, only sat there and gazed at Kimi's face. They continued to speak but from that point on it was light hearted, consisting of their plans for the upcoming weekend.

Silverware clinked as the patrons around them ate their meals, talking and laughing filling the air as they socialized merrily. Savoring the taste of their burgers and fries, the two best friends ate while talking. And for that moment in time, Claudia felt like a normal college student again.

* * * *

It had been fifteen minutes since Wanakee and Lucas had locked lips, kisses hot and feverish, filled with a lust that was tangible. Parked on the couch in Wanakee's living room, their mouths seemed unable to stay apart, low moaning noises filling the air as their hands explored and touched most intimate parts.

Wearing a floral dress with a hem just above the knee, Wanakee's thighs were partially exposed, allowing Lucas's palm to caress them. Gradually the bottom of her dress was pushed higher, exposing a heart tattoo that encircled a name. 'Justin Forever' it proclaimed in bold, yet elegant script, and as Lucas's eyes caught sight of this proclamation, he intently checked it out.

"I didn't know you had a thigh tattoo."

"How would you?" Wanakee asked. "I just barely let you get to second base with me."

Lucas smiled faintly, but his eyes were still cast on Wanakee's tattoo. "So I'm guessing that Ryan is your ex."

"Yeah," Wanakee responded. "Mato's father."

"You ever thought of getting it removed?"

"Sure, but it costs a lot so I haven't gotten around to it yet."

"Well maybe I could help you out," Lucas said. "Give you half the money so you get it removed sooner."

"Yeah, maybe," Wanakee replied, but her tone suggested disinterest, even unease about discussing the topic.

"If you don't want to, you can just say it."

"It's not that," Wanakee rebutted. "It's just that if I get it removed, it's something I'd rather do with my own money."

"Why?"

"Because It's a personal thing," she said simply, then lowered the hem of her dress so that the tattoo was concealed.

"Alright, I can respect that." Lucas pushed the thought away and leaned in for another kiss, tongue dancing against hers before they broke for air.

"Your hair is beautiful." Admiring the length and silkiness of it, Wanakee slipped her fingers through his locks. "I've never been with a guy who had it so traditionally long."

"Really?"

She nodded. "I used to beg my ex to grow his out, but he preferred it short so I never got to run my fingers through it."

"Well anytime you like, you can run your fingers through mine," he said. "You can even braid it if you like. But you'll probably have to fight my mom, because every chance she gets, she's brushing or oiling it.

"Can't say I blame her," Wanakee replied. "When Mato gets older and has nice, long hair, you better believe I'll have my fingers in it everyday."

Smiling gently, Lucas caressed her seductively thick thighs.

"So..." Wanakee started while continuing to touch his waist length hair, "How exactly are you single?"

"What do you mean?" Lucas asked.

"You're handsome, kind, and gentlemanly to boot. So my question is, why the hell are you not already taken?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Lucas could only look blankly at her.

"Come on, there's gotta be a reason." Her eyes slightly narrowed, watching him with intense curiosity. "I think you are taken. At least in your heart, if nothing else."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm very perceptive," she proclaimed. "I pick up on things beneath the surface, vibes that people give off."

Suddenly feeling uneasy, Lucas swallowed and shifted his gaze. Wanakee, however, placed her fingers beneath his chin, gingerly lifting it up so that his eyes were forced to meet hers.

"Tell me about her." Wanakee's gaze was inquisitive, brows slightly raised. "What's her name and why aren't you together?"

"Her name is Claudia, and the reason we aren't together is because she's with another guy. I wanted a committed relationship but she wasn't fully into it, so I decided to finally end it and let her be with him."

"Oh." For several long moments, Wanakee remained quiet. "Well she's a fool for not holding onto you."

"Thanks, I appreciate that," Lucas said. "But things are still cool between us, so we've remained pretty good friends."

Well now it all makes sense," Wanakee said. "I now get how a guy like you is still single."

Gazing questioningly at her, Lucas waited for her to go on.

"Because you *aren't* single," Wanakee declared. "At least not in your heart or mind. You may not be with Claudia in the relationship sense, but your spirit is still attached to her."

Stunned into stillness, Lucas remained perfectly silent.

"You're probably still in love with her," Wanakee continued, "but it seems you don't fully realize it."

"I do love her," Lucas replied. "But as for being in love..."

"Yes?" Wanakee waited expectantly.

"Look, It's complicated, alright? Talking about my feelings for Claudia with you is making me kind of uncomfortable."

"Because you know what I'm saying is true..."

"No, because my feelings are private and I'm not ready to fully open up yet."

"But you expect me to open up to you," she said. "At least in the sexual sense."

Offering no rebuttal, he only drew his mouth into a straight line.

"How can I feel comfortable taking a man into my bed if he won't open up and properly share?" She inquired. "My sexual energy is a precious thing, Lucas, and I won't exchange it with just anyone."

Sliding his hand off her thigh, Lucas placed it on his knee and gave her a blank look.

"You have to earn sex with me, it won't be freely given. And in order to get, you have to be willing to give."

"You think all I want you for is sex?" His brows pushed together. "If that was the case, I would have split a long time ago. I wouldn't be sticking around, fixing things up and getting to know Mato."

"You're genuinely interested in me, I know that," she said. "But unless you're willing to share your feelings about this ex-girlfriend, then I can't know if you're in a place to properly be with me. If your feelings are private, It's a sign there's a lack of trust. And that concerns me, Lucas, considering we're moving towards being more intimate."

"I do trust you, Wanakee. It's just that opening up takes time for me."

"Well, having sex takes time for me," she replied. "So I honestly can't see taking things further until you work out your feelings for Claudia."

Shoulder's visibly slumping, Lucas gave her a sad puppy-dog look.

"I still think you're a great guy, though."

"So what does this mean?" Lucas slowly asked. "Do you not want to hang out with me anymore?"

"I didn't say that," Wanakee responded. "But as far as us being intimate and spending time like this together, I think we should ease up on the meetings and keep things strictly platonic."

"But I like you," Lucas whined. "In a deeper way, not just as a friend."

"I like you too, Lucas, believe me I do. But I don't want something casual, and I don't intend on being the in-between girl."

"You think I would use you?" He asked. "I respect you, Wanakee. And I'm after a true relationship."

"Maybe so," she replied. "But for how long will you want me, Lucas? Until you and Claudia get back together?"

"She really loves her boyfriend, so that won't be happening. But even if by chance they decided to break things off, I wouldn't just dump you to be with her."

"Maybe not," Wanakee said. "But I can't go forth with things between us until I'm sure you're emotionally available."

"Alright, I understand."

Lifting her hand to his face, Wanakee tenderly caressed it. "You're a good man, Lucas. Claudia is damn lucky to have you."

"But we're not together," he said. "Remember I told you that she has a boyfriend?"

"You know what I mean, Lucas." A sad little smile crossed her lips.

"I still care for you, Wanakee," he responded. "And if you or Mato need anything all, at anytime, I'm here for you both. You understand that, right?"

"I do." She gently nodded while looking into his eyes.

"If you're okay with me coming by to fix the house up, I'd be more than happy to still do that for you."

"Yeah, that would be nice. And it would give Mato a chance to see you, too."

"Awesome." Lucas faintly smiled. "I hate goodbyes, so I'm really glad we're not doing that."

"No way," she assured him. "You're too cool of a guy to do that. And besides, who else do I know on the rez that will happily repair things in my house for free?"

As he smiled so did she, then they came together in a brief hug. She gave him a kiss on the cheek before pulling away, then buttoned the top of her dress so she was fully covered.

"If you're still up for lunch, the meatloaf should be finished."

"Course I'm up for it," he replied. "Next to my mom, your cooking is the best."

"Flattery will get you second helpings," she stated. "And maybe even some of that strawberry pie you like."

"Bring it on," Lucas proclaimed while standing up from the couch, and after lending a hand to help Wanakee to her feet, they headed side by side for the kitchen.

* * * *

Five days had elapsed since Claudia had taken the leave of absence. It was strange being home on the rez full-time again, and even weirder taking her classes through an online site, but at least she was still in school and for that much she was grateful. It was a day for giving thanks after all, so she supposed it was appropriate to count that blessing.

After a day of cooking and preparing the Thanksgiving meal, the house was permeated with the scent of holiday foods, drifting beneath Claudia's bedroom door and saturating the space which surrounded her. Recognizing the smells as turkey, stuffing, and pumpkin pie, she felt her mouth water, followed by a rumbling of the stomach.

Wearing a babydoll dress made of red crushed velvet, Claudia slipped on a pair of knee-high stockings, followed by a pair of thrifted mary-jane shoes. Her hair, which had been twisted into rows along her scalp during the day, now flowed down her back in long, tight curls.