Prodding gently, it forged ahead, sending a quiver right through her stomach. But then suddenly her lids slammed shut, and everything around her just went black.
"Claudia?"
Soft, gentle, and filled with concern, Tristan's voice called out to her.
"Yes?" She wanted to open her eyes, but could tell by his voice that the look on his face would be disappointment.
"Open your eyes, babe. Look at me. Please."
Slowly she did, and on pulling her lids all the way up, she saw Tristan's eyes were filled with a sadness.
"You've never closed your eyes," he said. "You always kept them open whenever we made love."
Not knowing what to say in return, Claudia remained silent.
"And when I tried to push into you, it felt like your muscles locked up. I couldn't wedge in at all, it was so tight."
"Seriously?"
He nodded.
"I wasn't purposely trying to," she said. "I don't know why it happened, because I wasn't even trying to do it."
"You're not ready, are you?" He asked. "You're only doing this because I want it."
"I thought I was..." Her voice came out tiny, eyes apologetic as she looked up at him.
"It's okay," he softly said. "I'm not mad, so don't worry about it."
"I want to have sex," she assured him. "I honestly do. But for some reason I'm just not quite there.
"It's nerves," he said. "You aren't fully ready yet, and that's okay."
"But I was doing so good in therapy, talking through my issues and working them out."
"Talking is one thing, but actually doing it is completely different."
"I didn't have a flashback just now or anything like that. But for some reason I just felt more comfortable closing them. It's not that I didn't want to look at you..."
"I know." He nodded his head to assure her he understood. "I'm not taking it personal, so you don't have to explain."
Disappointed that her progress wasn't as substantial as she had thought, Claudia lowered her gaze from Tristan's. That feeling of hopelessness was back again, weighing down her chest and making her body feel unbearably heavy.
It was a horrible feeling not being able to connect with him in the way that she wanted, because if she couldn't feel comfortable allowing him into her body, what hope did they have at remaining a proper couple?
"Hey, It's alright. Really." Noticing her eyes were now filled with tears, Tristan swiped away an especially fat one. "We'll get through this and it will be okay. Just a bit more time, that's all we need."
Comforted by his words, Claudia felt some of the heaviness in her chest lessen, and
as he positioned himself next to her on the bed, she rolled onto her side. Cuddling up close to his body, she situated her face so it was only inches from his.
"I love you, Claudia." Reaching out, he softly stroked her hair. "And this Isn't going to make me run from you, so just know that I'll always be here.
"Okay," Claudia replied, but his words only brought her slight comfort, leaving her feeling uncertain and a little scared.
"You don't believe me," he said to her. "I can feel your uneasiness, Claude. You're worried about what will happen."
"Yes," she said in a low, choked voice.
"But why worry?" He asked. "If I say I'll be here, then I will."
"I can feel that things are changing," she said. "And It's only so long before this no sex thing starts to wear you down."
"I would never cheat on you, if that's what you're wondering."
"I know that, Tristan. But It's not exactly fair to have you waiting so long, is it?"
"I can just keeping masturbating," he said. "I've got plenty of porn, so I still have the pleasure of cumming."
"But It's not the same as being inside me."
"Well of course not. But I won't die from a lack of sex, Claude. I can wait for months, even longer if that's what it takes."
"Maybe so," she replied. "But it won't exactly be easy, will it?"
Remaining silent, Tristan let her go on.
"You live with Shauna," she explained. "Who's like this pretty blonde girl with big breasts."
"So naturally I'll just have to lose control of myself, right? Because she's blonde, and has big tits, and that's like every guy's dream."
"Come on, Tristan. The girl is obviously cute."
"Hey I'm not denying it," he said. "She is nice to look at and everything, but aside from that, there's nothing else."
"There's Maggie," she said. "You and Shauna created her together."
"Yeah..."
"So that creates a type of bond, doesn't it? A reason for you to care about her."
"Well yeah, it does link us together. But you get me in way that she never would, Claude. Plus I actually love you."
"Okay," Claudia replied.
"And besides," he continued on, "if I wanted a girl with big breasts, I wouldn't be with you, would I?"
"Gee, thanks!" She punched him lightly on the shoulder, then turned her back so it was facing him.
"Hey, I was joking." He chuckled and reached out to touch her, but Claudia rolled back over in a flash, clobbering him with a large, fluffy pillow.
So caught off guard, a smothered "oomph" was all he had time to release, causing her to giggle and hit him again. As she pulled it back for yet another hit, his hands reached out for the pillow, trying to take it away so she couldn't deliver another blow. But Claudia somehow managed to keep it in her hands, and this time, slammed him right in the face.
The image was so funny that Claudia couldn't help busting up, rearing back her cushy weapon for yet a third time. But this time Tristan was too quick, and in a flash, had taken control of the pillow.
"What ya gonna do now?" He asked while holding the cushy object, but as Claudia quickly procured another pillow, Tristan lifted a brow.
With a giggle, Claudia reared back the pillow.
"Go for it," he dared her. "You're the girl, so I'll give you first hit."
Swinging it forward Claudia aimed for his head, but Tristan ducked, then comically rolled off the bed. A loud thunk resounded as he hit the floor, causing Claudia to burst out in laughter. Leaning over the side of the mattress she expected to see him still laying on the ground. Yet instead, he suddenly sprung up, causing Claudia to scream and recoil.
"Gotcha!" He grinned widely at her, then pounced on her smaller form, pinning her down with his male strength.
"Resistance is futile, little one," he said in a mock, raspy voice. "Say 'Tristan is my master', and I'll let you go."
"No way!" Giggling, she struggled against him.
"Say the words, weakling, or you shall be destroyed!"
"Get off me, weirdo. What is this, a roleplay?"
"Last chance..." Now pinning her hands above her head, Tristan looked down at her with pretend seriousness. Yet instead of encouraging compliance, it only withdrew a burst of laughter from Claudia.
"You look so funny," she said through a wide grin. "If you could only see yourself right now."
"What do you mean?" Half smiling, Tristan furrowed his brows.
"You're still naked," she replied. "And when you were pinning me against the bed, your junk was wiggling all around."
"Well of course It's wiggling, It's not like I'm wearing a jock strap."
Claudia giggled again. "Seriously though, think about it. Penises are so funny, right? I mean, they just hang there."
"And vaginas are normal?" His brows rose in amusement.
"Compared to penises they are."
"But they bleed for like seven days every month. You telling me that's not strange?"
"Well It's definitely inconvenient, but I wouldn't exactly call it strange."
"No, it is," Tristan said. "It's totally weird and I never got that."
Shaking her head playfully, Claudia could only give a little smile.
"Speaking of vaginas, I really like yours. You've got a real nice one."
"Well thanks." A grin spread across her face. "And I like your genitals as well."
He gave her a smile, then rolled onto his side and pulled her up against his nude body. Now face to face with noses nearly touching, Claudia and Tristan stared at one another. It seemed they were studying each other's features, committing each detail to their memories. But as Tristan's gaze became less intense and more melancholy, Claudia reached out to cup his face.
"Speak to me," she gently uttered. "Tell me what's going through your mind."
Tristan said nothing, only took her hand and stared into her eyes.
Staring right back, Claudia patiently waited for him to break the silence. And after nearly a full minute of complete and utter stillness, he finally did.
"You're my best friend," he softly said. "You know that, right?"
"Yes, Tristan."
"And you know how much I love you..."
"Of course. How could I not?"
"Well, you're like the only girl that's ever showed any real interest in me. You do realize that..."
"What about Shauna?" Claudia asked. "Weren't you guys like sort of a couple?"
"I think I was like a curiosity to her. This exotic type of guy that she wanted to try out, but not the kind that she could actually take home to her parents."
"Did she say that?" Claudia peered into his eyes.
"Not the curiosity part or me being exotic, but she did once tell me that she could never bring me home to meet her dad."
"Because you're Native..."
He nodded, then swallowed a lump. "It hurt me real bad when she said that, made me realize that she didn't feel the same as I did for her."
"And you've been thinking about that lately," Claudia said.
"Yeah, I guess having her around the house is bringing up all these feelings that I had buried, making me remember why we never worked out. Which is good because she doesn't deserve a second chance."
"So she wants you back, huh?" Although not surprised in the least, Claudia felt her stomach sink.
"Yeah." Tristan nodded. "But of course I'm not going to do it."
"What about if we weren't together?" Claudia asked. Would you get back with her, then?"
"Nope," Tristan said. "I don't feel any attachment towards her, so what would be the point?"
"To make a family for Maggie," she said. "So she'll have stability growing up."
"It would only be an illusion," Tristan said. "If I feel no love towards Shauna then it would be nothing more than a farce, a complete lie, and most of all, I'd be deceiving Maggie."
"Guess you're right," Claudia said, and she stroked her thumb against the back of Tristan's hand.
"By the way," he said, "I'm sorry if it seems like I've been neglecting you. It's just that between studying and helping take care of Maggie, I haven't had a whole lot of free time."
"It's okay, I understand. You're a dad now, so naturally she's going to come first."
"I know It's been real difficult for you, though." His tone was gentle, laced with heavy sympathy. "I'm not able to take care of you physically, spiritually, or emotionally, and that's caused a huge unbalance in our relationship."
"Well the sexual part of it Isn't your fault at all," Claudia said. "It's me who has issues with that, not you."
"But I feel so useless," he said. "I'm supposed to be your boyfriend, and I'm not doing a damn thing to make your life any better."
"Because your priority is on Maggie," she reminded him. "As it should be, so I completely understand that."
"But still, I should be doing something."
"It'll come with time," Claudia said. "Just get things sorted with Maggie and Shauna, and then you can worry about doing more for me."
"Alright." Bringing her hand up to his lips, Tristan gently kissed it. "But if there's anything at all you've got on your mind that you need to say, you can always feel free to do that. You know that, right?"
"Yes," Claudia said. "And I have got a few things on my mind. But one in particular that I'd like to know about."
"Okay." Inquisitively, Tristan gazed at her.
"Have you and Shauna talked about her getting her own place yet? Because I kind of get the feeling that she's really comfortable living there with you."
"She is," Tristan said. "And I know that she wants to stay. But as far as me speaking to her about it, no I haven't. But eventually I do plan on having the talk."
"Alright," Claudia said. "Not trying to rush anything, I was just wondering."
He gently squeezed her hand, then fell into a quietness that was thoughtful. But soon his expression became uneasy, as if there was a thought going through his head that was causing him stress.
"The challenge will be raising the money for the apartment. Shauna doesn't have a job yet and I really doubt she'd find one here on the rez. So that basically means It'd be up to me to provide the cash for her to move out."
"How are you going to do that?" Claudia asked. "Whatever you make from the job that you get will go towards taking care of Maggie."
"Yeah, I know." He eased out a heavy sigh, as if the mere thought of it weighed on his shoulders. "All I can do is my best. Not much more to say than that."
Feeling as if she were taking on some of his stress, Claudia let out a sigh herself. But hers was soft and barely audible, one of frustration more than it was of mental pressure.
"So basically she's not moving out. At least not for a pretty long time."
Giving her a look that was one of unease, Tristan seemed to be sensing her increasing unhappiness. "Please don't be angry with me, Claude. I really am doing my best here."
"I know you are, sweetie," she said while looking deep into his eyes. "And that's what makes me really sad."
Looking as if he'd just taken a punch to the gut, Tristan dryly swallowed.
"Hey, that wasn't meant as an insult," she said. "It's just that I'm seeing things as they truly are. Not the hopeful version, but the realistic one.
Having fallen silent, he just stared at her.
"You're an eighteen year old college student, Tristan. You have a seven month old baby, and an ex-girlfriend who lives with you. And then you have me, your current girlfriend. I'm holding on the best that I can, babe, but I gotta let you know I'm having some real issues with Shauna being around."
"Yeah." His voice came out croaky, as if he wanted to cry. "I know It's hard on you and I'm real sorry for that."
"Don't be." Her hand lifted to cradle his face, thumb tracing the manly angle of his jaw. "It just is what it is, babe, and all we can do is accept that."
Swallowing hard, Tristan pulled her tightly against him, arm encircling her waist so that she was enveloped in his body heat. A look that bordered on desperation came into his eyes, and they were beginning to slightly moisten. But there was something else in his expression as well, something dark and primal and just a little unsettling.
"No," he blurted out suddenly.
"No, what?" Claudia asked.
"No I'm not letting you break up with me, so don't even think about it."
"What?"
"I can see it in your eyes," Tristan said. "You're trying to let me go."
"I am not," Claudia responded. "What would even make you think such a thing?"
"I know you are, so please don't lie." Tristan's voice was surprisingly low now, as if some hidden side had taken over.
"But I'm not," she replied. "Tristan I swear, it wasn't even going through my mind.
"Then what was?" He asked. "Tell me what you're thinking, I wanna know."
Completely flustered, she tripped over her words. "Nothing in particular. I'm just trying to sort through my emotions."
"I don't know what I'll do if you leave me," he said sadly. "But I can't let you be with Lucas."
"Lucas Isn't a part of this, so just relax."
"I'm just letting you know, he Isn't going to have you."
"Don't talk like that, Tristan. You're scaring me."
"I didn't say I would do any harm to him," Tristan said. "Just that I won't let him have you."
"I don't want to talk about Lucas," Claudia said. "Can we please change the subject?"
"It's just I don't like thinking of you with him, or any other guy," Tristan continued. "It makes me physically sick to imagine you with anyone else."
"Then don't imagine it," she said. "You're getting yourself all worked up over nothing."
"I can feel that things are changing between us, Claudia. So I'm a little freaked out over all of this."
"Well so am I," Claudia replied. "But when you say things about Lucas like that, it really bothers me."
"I didn't say I was going to hurt him," Tristan said. "That's not what I meant at all."
"Then what did you mean?"
"I don't know," he quickly replied.
"Yes you do, now come out with it."
Clearly hesitant, Tristan just looked her in the eye, as if hoping she'd back down and not push any further. But Claudia's lips were beginning to pull tight, signaling impatience on her part.
"I can block things from happening," Tristan said in a slow, firm voice. "It's not something I've done very often, but in the past I've fooled around with it, just to see how strong my ability was."
Now laying very quietly Claudia blinked and stared, just frozen in place.
"I'm pretty damn good at it," he admitted. "But like I said before, It's not something I do often. It's more of a rare thing and only out of necessity, rather than sadistic amusement."
Stunned, she looked deeper into his eyes.
"Say something, please," Tristan begged. "Let me know you aren't completely creeped out."
"Well I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at least a bit disturbed. But what I want to know is, did you do any blocks when Lucas and I were together?"
A hard, obvious swallow caused Tristan's Adam's apple to bob up and down.
"Be honest," she said in a stern voice.
"Yes," he nervously admitted.
"When?"
"Prom night."
"And what was the block?" Claudia asked. "Tell me what it was that you prevented."
"You and him having sex."
"And how did you do that?" Claudia asked. "By just wishing, or what?"
"It wasn't a wish, but more like a strong output of energy."
"So that's why I felt reluctant when I was laying in bed with him that night," Claudia said. "It's like my body really wanted it, but deep inside I felt uncertain."
"I'm sorry, Claude," he said. "But I just couldn't stand the thought of him taking your virginity."
"So you blocked us from getting physical," Claudia said. "Which in turn led to our breakup, because Lucas was under the impression that I would never sleep with him."
"I figured that's all he was after," Tristan said. "I didn't want you to get hurt, Claude. I thought I was doing the right thing. It wasn't done out of malice."
"You interfered and it was wrong."
"I know," he said. "And I really am sorry. Please don't be angry with me, I just really wanted you as my girl."
"Then you should have waited to see if Lucas and I broke up naturally, instead of butting in and altering out relationship."
"I know, it was totally wrong," he said. "And I still feel guilty about it. But I can't like take it back or anything, so all I can do is apologize."
"Unbelievable," Claudia said. "All this time you've been keeping that a secret."
"It's the only thing I didn't tell you about, I swear. Everything else that happened between you and Lucas, or me and you, was without my interference."
"You'd better not do it again," Claudia said. "Not with Lucas and I, or me and anyone else."
"No, of course not. I swear to you, I never will again."
"I'm serious, Tristan. If I find out that you pull anymore stunts like this, I'll cut you off completely."
"You have my word, Claude. That was the first and the last time I'll ever interfere."
Still wearing a look of disappointment, she found herself no longer wanting to look at him. So flipping onto her back she focused her gaze on the ceiling, lips pressing tight as she gave him the silent treatment.
"Claudia?" Reaching out to touch her arm, Tristan softly caressed it. "Baby, talk to me, please."
"About what?" She asked.
"I don't know, anything."
Silence was all she had to give.
"You're creeped out by me," he said. "You don't want to talk to me anymore."
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