Love in Chains Ch. 08

"Steady on."

Nye found himself in Jon's arms, with his face pressed against his chest. 'Just as well' he thought. At least now he wouldn't be able to see how red his face was.

"I'm alright." He tried to push away but as soon as he lifted his head the room began to spin violently. "Fuck."

"I warned you about that brandy."

"Yeah... the brandy."

Jon eased him into the seat and he rested his arms on the table letting his head fall forwards. He was washed by wave after wave of emotion and there was no way he could stop the tears spilling over so there was no way he was going to lift his head any time soon.

"I think it might be best if you went home. Shall I arrange a taxi?"

"Yeah," Nye mumbled, "best if I don't drive."

Nye felt surprisingly bereft when Jon's hand disappeared from his shoulder but, other than that he didn't really register him leaving, or anything else that was going on around him. Kane loved him. He'd said so. He said he loved him. And Nye had said he loved him back. Fuck. This was getting messed up. But Kane had said he loved him. Despite the pain and confusion a warm glow began to spread through him and he smiled. Kane loved him.

Shaking himself metaphorically he told himself sternly that it was cruel and pointless to let himself think that way. He was with Adam now. He had a great future with a powerful and beautiful man who was teaching him so much about the world, so much more than Kane ever could. But Kane loved him.

No... no he couldn't think like that. He was with Adam. Adam who had given him so much. Hell he had given him The Club, the apartment, the car. He had given him financial security, an assured future with someone who loved him. But Kane loved him.

Adam was rich and powerful and strong. Adam could protect him and take care of him... and allow him to be beaten and abused and poisoned. But that wasn't his fault. He hadn't know... had he? He was going through his own trials... wasn't he? Adam was strong and uncompromising and that's what Nye wanted, what he needed, someone he could rely on, who wouldn't leave him alone. But he wanted him to be a slave.

Could he do that? Could he really submerge everything he was in another person? Could he give up some of the things that made him what he was? Could he completely submit to someone... to that extent? Hadn't he already done it? The things he had done to Lian and had done to him... wasn't that slavery, wasn't that...? What was that? Why had he done that? Could he do it again?

He was confused; very confused. A lot had gone on in a very short time and he had allowed himself to be just swept up in it without question. Should he have questioned? Hell he had almost died... and for what? For the approval of a man he hated, for the sake of a man he loved? Did Adam love him? Could he have allowed that to happen to someone he loved? He thought about Kane being in the position he had been in and anger suffused him. No! He would be damned thrice over before he would have seen that happen to Kane. Kane loved him.

So did that mean that Adam didn't love him? Or did it just mean that Adam was different? Yes, that was true. Adam WAS different, very different to anyone else he had ever known. Adam was strong and certain and powerful but there was something else. He fed off pain, his own as much as anyone else's. He had always known that, hadn't he? Adam had never kept secrets from him. He had always been up front, told him what he expected, what lay beneath. But did he love him?

Nye knew he was beautiful. It would have been a conceit to deny it. Although he had hidden from it in the past he had no reason to do that anymore. Here it was, gloried in, valued, cherished. But did Adam love him... or was he just using him because he was beautiful, because his beauty attracted important clients?

Adam had told him once, not long ago that his looks had earned him a real reputation among the more powerful clients who attended The Club. His beauty had been commented on, become almost legendary on the scene. People came to The Club just to see him, even when he was working behind the bar. The thought occurred to him that perhaps that was WHY he was working behind the bar. At the time it had given him a warm glow, to think that Adam was proud of him, that he was somehow helping Adam and the business.

Now he wondered. Was he just a symbol, an attraction? Was he nothing more than a toy to be used until his beauty faded...and then what? Would he be cast aside for another, more beautiful boy? He wasn't so vain as to imagine that there would be no other more beautiful. There was always someone out there who was more... more beautiful, more desirable, more skilled, more... So did Adam love him?

He had made the commitment, given him half... but what did that MEAN. He hadn't really given him anything other that a key. Sure the staff were deferential to him, calling him Sir... but they had done that anyway, before... they had done that because they knew of his relationship with Adam, not because he had any authority himself. So did that commitment really mean anything? Did it mean that Adam loved him? Kane loved him.

Nye sighed. He was going round in circles. His head was throbbing painfully along with the rest of him and all he really wanted was to sleep. Shivering and sick, he angrily wiped tears from his face and tried to pull himself together. His hands were shaking so much he could barely get them to do what he wanted. He noticed with some surprise that his hands were not the only things that were shaking, everything was.

Sitting up he leaned back and took a deep breath. Thankfully breathing was one of the few things he could accomplish without pain. The room still jumped and spun when he moved but as long as he stayed perfectly still he was okay. Closing his eyes he allowed the ordinary everyday sounds of the bar wash over him. He almost fell asleep.