Love Me Tender - Please Pt. 05

It was almost dark by the time she got to the pages on which she had written the inventory of her life. She considered closing the book without rereading it but something told her that this was the right time to continue.

It was not a neatly written saga. Many of the entries corrected by lining through the original rationalizations and noting what really happened. As her recovery progress, she had to stop pretending what had happened.

Corey had told her that she should refresh her memory by reading it from time to time. She told her that as she felt the need, she should take some time with it.

"You'll find that more memories will surface and you should add the new thoughts, feelings, and episodes to it. It is a chronicle of your life and you must make it as accurate as possible."

My first few weeks in my new job had been some of the happiest that I had known for many years," she had written."Ray and the kids were supportive of me and I was so proud of myself that I thought I would bust."

Thinking back on those times, she realized that she had used sex as a means of getting Ray to go along with her idea of working again. She probably did not have to go as far as she did but she was enjoying the excitement of their newfound intimacy. The playfulness was back and it made it that much more exciting for them.

It did not take long for it to wear thin and for her to become so busy that she forgot about her marriage and her children. Ray was making it easy for her by being backing her in her efforts but as she looked back, she realized that it was forced and he was not as happy as he pretended.

My attitude started to change when I began receiving compliments on my clothes and on my work," she wrote. "The evening when I slipped and fell in the office and Mike peeked up my skirt made me feel sexy and excited. I liked it!! I was worth looking at!

She had not realized it at the time but that night was the first time that she had lied to Ray. It was not an out and out lie but it was an omission of the truth about what had happened with Mike. Even though he had not actually kissed her, she was thrilled that he had tried. What she had not known was that Ray saw the little scene outside of her car and became suspicious and that is why he started questioning her about her relationship with him.

The handwriting in the next journal entry was hard to read because of the crumpled sheet of paper. She remembered writing it and then balling it up because she admitted something she did not want to admit.

I knew Ray was pissed when I forgot about the couples' bowling league the next night. He left me sleeping on the sofa and went to bed without trying to wake me. That was the first time that I drank a whole bottle of wine all by myself. Was that the start of my addiction??

It was about that time that she started attending the parties and the little celebrations that her coworkers seemed to have all of the time. With the prompting of her counselor, she had examined her motives for going to the get-togethers. When she thought back to those days, she realized that everyone did not attend every party. It was only her and a few other drinkers that were always there.

I was not getting the attention that I thought I needed at home. Once I started going to the gym and losing weight, I looked at myself as a different woman. I forgot that I was still a wife and a mother.

Ray still carried a grudge about her buying her Cadillac without his participation. She knew he was upset that she had used their joint income to qualify but had listed herself as the sole owner.

He did not like the "touchy-feely" and "kissy-face" flirting that went on at the parties. He was not buying the idea that they were friendly gestures. She knew that some of them were blatant, sexual advances. Her lying to Ray about them allowed her to reinforce the subterfuge within her own mind.

It felt good to be looked upon as a sexy, desirable woman," the journal entry read."I did not mind the touching and the quick feels because Ray was pulling farther away from me each day and I was looking for affection.

They seemed to have formed a pattern of settling their arguments with sex. Looking back, Karen realized that she had developed a new sexuality that did not fit the mold of a wife and a mother. Having sex with Ray to soothe him and to stop the fighting gave her a sense of power stemming from her new point-of-view as to her status as a woman.

My classes were the turning point in our relationship. My narrow, telescopic view of my future eliminated any sense of my responsibility to my husband and to my family. I seemed to have enough time for my drinking and my parties but no time for my family.

Ray tried to keep it all together but I was happy in my new life and I was not about to let anything interfere with it. I never stopped to realize how much of my former responsibilities were taken over by my family and I never even thought to thank them for it.

The blowout when Ray and the kids forgot her birthday was a turning point. She went from being depressed all day because she thought they forgot it, to reaching a high when Ray walked in with what she thought was her present. The letdown came when she found out it was really a gift for Brian. It made her feel that she could depend upon her co-workers more than she could on her family.

Wearing Mike's shirt home from her birthday party was a big mistake but she was too drunk to make any decisions that made any sense. She looked forward to her margaritas more than she looked forward to food.

Looking through the journal, she saw how Ray could very well feel that she was being physically unfaithful to him. He had caught her in several compromising situations. Even though, up to that time, she never had sex with anyone but him, she was reaching the point where it was bound to happen.

The signs were all there for him to see and interpret. The wearing of Mike's shirt, the handprints on her slacks and on her blouse, the episode with Mike in the parking lot of the restaurant and the mark on her breast from the ironing board that he thought was a hickey.

For a husband who was suspicious that his wife was cheating on him, they all added up to evidence that proved him right. The final straw was when she was called in to work for her surprise party. Instead of letting him know what was going on, she ended up getting drunk again and doing the Salsa with some guy who tried to fuck her on the dance floor.

That was the night that I realized how much power I had over men. My worries about Ray finding out were pushed aside if I took my little pills and drank. I thought that alcohol solved all of my problems. Drinks at lunch and as many after work drinks that I could down was my way of solving the problem of my failing marriage. I never thought to stop drinking and work on my problems with my husband and family. I just kept drinking.

The handwriting was clearer now as her body detoxed and the shakes went away. She was eating better and she was more serene without the stresses she had brought upon herself. She looked at the little entry that she had written somewhere on practically every page of her diary.

It read,"I'm sorry Ray!!!

Naomi had introduced her to the pills after she came back from lunch a little tipsy one afternoon. She followed her into the ladies room and mentioned that some of the other agents were talking about her drinking.

Karen explained that she was under a lot of stress and that she needed the alcohol to relax. Naomi gave her a couple of pills and told her not to take them with alcohol but to wait until tomorrow morning and try one and see if it helped.

The pills were wonderful. Before pills, I would wake up each morning and my opening thought would be how to keep everything together. I was worried about my upcoming test and keeping Ray from finding out about my flirting and a host of other things. I only took a half of a pill the first morning and that seemed to do the trick all day long.

I could still drink later in the afternoon and the evening but I did not have to worry about someone smelling alcohol on my breath in the morning or early afternoon. The pills also helped me in dealing with the guilt and remorse I was feeling from time to time. I soon found out that the more I flirted with the bounds of my marriage and did not get caught, the less shame I felt and the easier it was for me to do it the next time.

Karen bought the pills from the contact that Naomi gave her. She considered their cost simply as another business expense. She found that she had to increase the dosage every few weeks since they did not seem to work the way they did in the beginning. She was getting worried about the quantity she had to take so she started to experiment. She found that if she took a little vodka with them, no one could smell it and she could reduce the amount she was using.

There was very little in her journal about the Cinco de Mayo party since a lot of it was a blur. She had taken some pills to get through work that morning after her fight with Ray. The pills were still affecting her when she got to the party early in the afternoon.

The margaritas really helped and she was soon floating in what she liked to call her "never-never land." It took discipline to stay in that state, since a few drinks too many and she would start getting slobbery and too few and she would have to play catch-up.

The party was the first time that she had tried pot and she discovered that it helped her to maintain her high and it made her feel good. Between dancing the Salsa with the guys and flirting with them in the tent, she was soon on a sexual as well as a drug high.

The dancing got to her and the crowd yelling their appreciation and goading her on made her feel important. She liked being the star of the show. Letting the guy suck on her breasts was a mistake when she looked back on it. At the time, it seemed the right thing to do to satisfy the crowd.

The next journal entry looked like it was written in haste.

I was passed around like a joint and on every lap that I sat on, each guy I hugged felt my ass or my breasts or fingered my pussy. One guy got his finger up my naughty place before I could stop him and that was when Trey took my top off.

I was lying face up across the laps of four guys and they were feeling me all over and kissing me. One of them got his finger in me and when I protested, Trey saved me. After he pulled me away from them, he unhooked my bra and would not give it back to me.

Karen remembered most of that part of the party. She had been telling Trey that his head looked like the head of a circumcised cock and he did not take it very well. He did not think it was as funny as she and some of the other people did so he was trying to get back at her.

Taking her bra, gave him the upper hand and she walked around the tent with her hands covering her breasts until she found the piece of gauze. Another woman tied it on for her and even though it was see-through, she felt protected.

Adele's appearance and the information that Ray was looking for her gave her a sick feeling. She did not believe her at first but when Adele warned her to sober up, she realized that she was telling the truth. She had not had a drag on a joint for some time but she had been drinking wine and the pot smoke filling the tent was as bad as smoking it.

When she finally agreed to kiss Trey, she was not ready for the impact it would have on her drunk and high body. She felt a rush of sensation that carried her away and the next thing she remembered was masturbating herself on his cock through their clothes. She did not mean to bite him, it just happened when she had her climax.

She was terrified that Ray was going to see her before she got her head cleared and when she saw Donna she thought she was helping her instead of setting her up.

It was Donna that hooked me and Trey up in the grotto, she had written.If it was not for that damn beard of Ray's I would not have let him do me.

Part of the entry was scratched out and an additional line squeezed in and written along the margin after the cross-outs.

I have to stop kidding myself if I am going to get sober. I knew it was Trey and I let him fuck me like the slut that I am. The time I went to the gym and let him do it again was all my fault too. I had this idea that I could have my cake and eat it too but all I got was an STD. I am sorry I had sex with Ray after that and gave it to him. It never occurred to me that I could catch anything. I can not imagine the look on his face when he opened the letter from the health department. I am so sorry Ray! I am so sorry!!

The TLC tested Karen when she arrived and that is when she found she had contracted gonorrhea and chlamydia. Providing a list of her sex partners, including her husband, was one of the most embarrassing moments of her life. She knew she would probably never again see the nurse who accepted the list, but she knew she would be remembered as a slut.

With the help of the nurse, they figured out that she probably got it from Trey. As far as she knew, she did not have any symptoms. The doctor told her that she was on the verge of realizing something was wrong when they caught it. She expected to be subjected to a lot of needles but the treatment was just a few doses of antibiotics for ten days.

I sincerely believed it when I told Ray and myself that I would stop drinking and pay more attention to him and the kids. Now, when I look back on it, I realize that I knew I was keeping the secret of my pills from him. I rationalized that I was not lying since I told him I would quit drinking and that did not include pills. I remember saying I would not drink ‘as much'? Another copout!!

It was late and the television, had not yet been hooked up, so Karen decided to go to bed. She was going to call Melody again but the last few calls were a little tense. Melody had a general idea of what she had done. Although she sounded like she wanted to continue to have a relationship with her mother, she was torn because of her loyalty to her father.

She had been warned about this very thing while in TLC and even though she did not like it, she had to let it go until Melody came to terms with it herself.

"I love you Melody and Brian and I love you and I'm sorry Ray," she said just before dropping off to sleep.

Chapter 54

The morning's heat and humidity predicted another typical hot, August day in Corpus Christi. The new realtor on the block was ready to start beating the streets looking for listings and selling anything that did not move. Her license had finally come through and she was now officially able to work in the State of Texas.

Holding her new brass nametag up for inspection, she read it aloud.

"Kari Keeler. That's a nice name with a nice ring to it. People will remember me."

Sitting at the little table on her balcony, she drank her morning coffee and watched the waves roll in from the Gulf. A lot had changed in just a few months and she had mixed feelings of anxiety and optimism about her future.

Deciding to take her maiden name back after the divorce was final was a first step. Changing her first name was another signal to herself that she intended to get her life back. She needed a clean start. She was now Kari Keeler.

Corpus Christi was good to her and she quickly became known for her ability to sell condos in the new markets of the area. She hit the boom at the right time and found herself on the top of the list with offers from several builders to handle their buildings on an exclusive basis.

By the time a year had passed, she had formed a partnership with a broker and hired a staff of assistants to take over the paperwork. She would have liked to get her Broker's license but she needed another year as an agent in order to qualify. She had not touched alcohol or drugs in that time and she had no intention of ever doing them again.

A friend of her partner invited them to go to Florida and get into the booming Condo market down there. Her partner was not willing to leave his family so she drove to South Florida and jumped into the frenzy. It only took a few months of flipping Condos for her to amass a fortune and get out of the market just before it slumped and the bottom fell out.

Back in Corpus, she concentrated on buying and selling upscale residential and commercial real estate. It did not take long for she and her partner to practically have a monopoly on the market. They were the firm to go to if you were buying, selling or leasing anything over a million dollars.

Karen, now Kari, was back on top with money, prestige, power, and recognition. She was happy but she missed the family life that was no longer a part of her existence. Melody has slowly come around and they spoke often. She yearned for a relationship with Brian but he was cool to her during their infrequent telephone conversations.

Mother and daughter did not discuss Ray or the events leading up to their divorce as a part of their unspoken agreement with each other. She assumed that Melody would mention if Ray got married or was dating but the subject never came up.

Her own social life was nil and she refused any invitation that sounded like a date. She worked out twice a week at a gym where she stayed away from the trainers as much as possible. She only attended business functions and those social functions that would enhance her business. The rest of her time was spent working or at her recovery meetings and playing with her newfound hobby of sailing on the Gulf.

Her closest friends were other professional women. They often accompanied each other to business functions while making it clear that they were not in any kind of a relationship. They had a few men that they used as escorts when the need arose, but it was made clear to them that Kari was out-of-bounds and to not try anything.

Her sex life consisted of her fingers and a toy that she bought. No man or woman had touched her since that creep she found in her hotel bed back in Savannah. She wished that Ray had been her last lover but that was never to be.

She had been back through Savannah a few times on her way to Virginia for follow-up consultations with the TLC. She was friends with the staff and they often asked her to come back and speak to the patients. It helped her as well as the patients. She shared her story with them and gave them hope that they too, could get their life back.

Her last trip through Savannah was only a month before. Except for Adele, she never made any effort to meet with Ray or any of her former friends or business associates. Adele was the exception and they met for lunch or dinner when they could. Adele was one of the few people who knew what had actually happened.

During her visits, they did not speak of Ray or the breakup of their marriage but she did find out that Donna and Mike were back together and doing well. She laughed when she heard that Mike had also been in a rehab and as far as anyone knew he was clean and sober.

No one knew what happened to Trey. He was generally regarded as the source of the STDs that had suddenly infected several of the women and subsequently the men in their lives. Adele knew of the episode in the grotto and the gym tryst, but she had no idea of what had happened in Vegas.

She was pleased to find out that Montrell pleaded guilty but he was sentenced to only eight months in prison and five-years probation. He was already out of prison but no one knew what happened to him.

Since no one except Kari knew about Sean's involvement in drugs, there was no discussion of him and Kari never brought the subject up.