Loving James Ch. 04

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"Bet your mum would like finding your new boyfriend naked on her front step." James murmured, but his fingers were slipping lower.

The pads of his fingers brushed my hole and he slid them along my skin towards my back. I figured I'd let him do that once more before I told him to stop teasing me already.

He did it once more. And again. I hit him. Not hard, just with the heel of my hand against his shoulder.

"Ow." James actually sounded surprised.

"No teasing." I told him. I wanted him so bad.

He had the guts to grin at me. "But I like teasing you." He responded softly, and lightly brushed his fingers over me again.

"James!" I groaned. I wanted to hit him again, but he'd probably just tease me more. "Your finger. Now." There was a long moment where time stood still. It seemed to take forever before his finger was back, and lubed. "James..." I repeated.

"Ok." He sounded slightly breathless. The tip of his finger sank into me. We both groaned. I think I trembled. "You're really tight." James whispered, but he sounded hesitant and not excited.

"It's fine, more," I demanded. "Now."

"I'm not going to hurt you?"

"Did I hurt you? 'Cause I was being considerably less considerate than you are." Shouldn't have chosen such long words, fairly sure I got them wrong. Anyway, James shot me a grin and his finger pushed inside me.

I held tight around his neck and pulled him to kiss me. He wriggled his finger inside me, drew it out again and slid it back in.

"Two. Two, use two." I whispered.

James breathing had picked up. He carefully eased two fingers inside me. I clutched his shoulders tighter. "James, if you just- just find- if you curl- your finger-" Luckily he didn't make me try and talk anymore, just started very very carefully moving his fingers inside me...

I found myself arching off the bed, catching my breath as the nerves in my whole body danced. "God, fuck," I hissed.

"There?" James whispered.

"Uh huh. Yeah. Uh huh. James..." he did it again and this time I got caught without any air in my lungs. Didn't actually care. "Please." I found myself begging him; I was so far gone it wasn't even funny.

James did it again.

"Mmmm," my hips arched towards his hands. I couldn't help it anymore.

"Alex," James whispered. I was getting too close. I wondered if I shouldn't just ask him to fuck me now. What was I waiting for? Now was good, right?

His two slick fingers slid slowly out of me again.

"God, James," I whispered as he pushed them back in. No. I needed him to want it too. Not just me. Had to make him wait. More. "Ok. Ok, three. Three, James."

"Ok." James repeated, sounding more breathless than me.

I hissed and breathed through the sting. It helped stave off my orgasm, at any rate.

"This is insane," he whispered suddenly. "You're so ti-"

"Shh," I told him. "Just keep- slow... uh..."

James kissed my face but I was too distracted to kiss him back. His fingers made me full. I wanted full in another way.

"So hot." He whispered. His voice was rough and made me all shivery and silly. God, I needed him.

"Ok," I gasped. Giving in. "James, I want it now."

"You're sure?" he asked softly. "Maybe we should wait a-"

"Yes. Waited long enough. Now. Please?" I wasn't supposed to be begging him... he was supposed to want me! "James..."

James hesitated again, and in the silence the sound of my mum's car...

WHAT???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

"FUCK!"

"What?" James asks.

"That's mum! But it's only six, what the fuck?"

We both lay frozen, James' fingers still inside me, both listening carefully.

"Fuck fuck fuck!" I swore, pushing James off me and scrambling for my clothes. James did the same. "What the hell is she doing here? She's not supposed to be home until eight!"

"It's fine," James said firmly, sounding frustratingly calm.

"No, it's not fine!" I glared at him, yanking my jumper over my head.

"It could be worse. There'll be more opportunities." He said. How could he be so bloody reasonable? Wasn't he as desperate for this as I was?

Shit. Apparently not.

I glared at him harder and finished getting dressed. I was probably red and we definitely both smelt like sex, but if we didn't go downstairs to say hi to mum she'd be up here knocking on my door before we knew it. I opened the door as James was still buckling his belt, and marched out.

"What are you doing home?" I asked mum.

"Hm? The speaker was sick so they cancelled the whole launch and sent us all home. Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing!" I frowned at her. "Just..."

James appeared behind me. "Hi Ms. Ferguson." He said. Why was he being so friendly to her?

"Hi James!" She said, smiling back. She really liked James. Which was at least one good thing out of this train wreck of an afternoon. "How are you?"

"Good, you?"

"Oh, you know." Mum kept smiling at him. "Staying for dinner?"

"I'd sort of planned on taking Alex out, actually." Well that was news to me. "If we go now we can get in without a reservation."

"Oh, lovely." Mum said.

James grinned at me.

I glared back and muttered something about going to get dressed and stomped back upstairs. I really only gave a nod in the direction of changing. I swapped jumpers and that was about it. I didn't know if we were actually going anywhere or not and I was almost beyond caring.

When I came back downstairs James and mum were all chummy, so I stuck a smile on my face and waited to see what would happen.

"So where are you off to?" Mum asked.

"It's a really nice Indian place near home," James said with a shrug, getting up. Mum followed us into the front hallway as James told her more about it.

"Have a nice night, then." She said, squeezing my shoulder.

We got in James' car and he started driving. I wasn't sure if we were going to his house or actually going out so I didn't say anything. I was feeling way too peeved to even open my mouth. This whole evening was a write off.

James broke the silence after a while. "Hope you don't mind me whisking you away like this."

"No." I tried for unconcerned, but I sounded sullen, even to myself.

We fell back into silence.

"Alright." James finally said with a sigh. "So where do you want to go?"

"What? I didn't say anything."

"That's the point. I didn't think you liked Indian food. I just remembered."

"Of course I like Indian." I was lying through my teeth.

"Really?" James asked, sounding surprised. I glared at him. "Ok." He said, sounding slightly confused and slightly suspicious. "I didn't think you liked spicy food, though."

Shit. "What, they're mutually exclusive? If it's Indian it has to be spicy?"

"Well, no. I guess not." James sounded dubious, but he didn't say more. Relief. For all I knew, it could have been. He sighed. Oh, this was sooo not going to be a good evening. "Ok. Well. Did you want to see a movie instead?" he asked after a silence.

"Sure." I said. I looked out the window.

"Ok." James said. He sounded slightly uncertain. "Well. there's that new one everyone's telling us to see. Beyond Zion 3000, or something. That's supposed to be really amazing."

"Yeah. Sounds good." I said. I tried to sound certain and bright, but I think I sounded sarcastic instead.

James was quiet for a moment. "We don't have to go."

"No, no, let's go. You want to go and so do I." I crossed my arms over my chest, but I couldn't speak. What the fuck was I supposed to tell him?

James:

I drove on for a while before I could say anything more.

Alex said nothing, just kept staring out the window with his jaw clenched.

It was becoming more and more apparent to me that he did not want to. Why the hell was he telling me he did?

"Alex..." I looked at him. We hadn't been the movies on our own before, but I wasn't sure why this was a problem. The last time we would have gone would have been with a group of friends, probably a few months ago. We'd seen something so rubbish I couldn't even remember what it was. The one before had been rubbish too- an alien flick that had been so ridiculous we'd had to laugh. Alex hadn't been there though, I suddenly remembered. He'd said he didn't like aliens...

Was that why he didn't want to see this one? Granted, they weren't tentacled aliens or slimy green aliens, but it was still set on a foreign planet, which I guess made them aliens by default...

Then why didn't he just tell me he didn't want to see it? For that matter, why hadn't he told me he didn't want to go to the Indian place either? Why was he acting like this?

Alex:

He didn't believe me, I could tell. I'd told him I wanted to see the damn movie, which was a lie, but it looked like he knew it.

I frowned at the window. Why couldn't things be easy?

James glanced at me and then turned his eyes back to the road and thought for a moment. "Why are you being so agreeable?" He asked softly.

"I'm not being agreeable!" I shot back.

"You're being a doormat."

"I am fucking not!"

James was silent, then suddenly snorted and started to laugh. "Yeah, that's certainly one thing you are not." He said firmly, still laughing.

Suddenly I was claustrophobic. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out. "Stop the car." I demanded.

"What?" James sounded surprised.

"Stop the car! Just fucking stop!"

James swerved over to the curb suddenly, braking hard.

"Alex, what's-?" I fumbled with the seat belt and got out before he could stop me, slammed the door hard behind me.

James got out behind me, I could hear him coming.

"Alex, what's wrong?"

I couldn't answer. What the fuck could I say?

"Stop walking away from me- What are you doing?"

I spun back around. We were both standing on the grass next to his car, facing off in the dark. "I'm trying, ok? So just tell me what you want, because I don't know!"

"What do you mean, what I want?" James sounded mystified. Like he really didn't get it?

"What you want from me! I don't know, I'm trying and you're laughing at me! You always end up laughing at me!"

James stood only a meter away from me, but it felt further. "I- because you were-" he stopped, looking confused again.

"What? What, it's funny for me to try and be agreeable?"

"But you weren't, you were just sulking! Alex, maybe you could learn to laugh at yourself for once! What's wrong? What's going on?"

"Why do you care?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend and you've been acting weird." James was starting to sound cross.

I stared at him, standing in front of me with his arms crossed, looking grim.

"Why?" I asked faintly. "Why are you going out with me?"

His anger sort of dissolved. His arms dropped to his sides. "What, are you serious? What do you mean?"

"I mean, today when mum came home and interrupted, you weren't even bothered, like it was no big deal. And at the party- the first thing that happened and you totally freaked out. You basically broke up with me. I know I say stuff I shouldn't but I'm trying. But I don't know what you want or what you think or how you feel. You laughed before, as well, that morning. Like I'm ridiculous. So do you want this or is this just enough for now? Is this just something that happened that's convenient for you?"

James spluttered. "Of course I want this!"

"Why? Why are you with me?" My eyes were burning but I couldn't wipe them in front of him, I couldn't. "You never wanted me before so how do I know this is for real? Maybe you're just keeping me around for sex or something..."

James stepped forward and I looked at my feet. Why was I always so afraid of everything? Why couldn't I be strong like James? Why the fuck did he have to laugh at me???

"Do you really think that?" James asked, sounding a bit more like himself. He was really close to me, reached out and put his hands on my arms "I mean, if I was sticking around for sex, I really think I'd have been hoping for more of it than-"

"Fuck you!" I managed, pulling away from him. I could hardly see him because my eyes were all watery.

"Alex," his tone was softer, more gentle. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have joked. Not the right time. Obviously." He hesitated and then he stepped closer and put his hands on my hips. I didn't shrug him off this time.

"Alex. I'm going out with you because I want to. Because I like being with you and I can't imagine not being with you. And I'm sorry I freaked out at the party, but I didn't realise... and I was upset. And this is all really new to me. I know I reacted badly. The thing is, I know you say things that are sometimes... a bit inappropriate, but that doesn't mean I want you to stop. I like the fact you say whatever you like. I can't handle it when you don't because you're not being honest then and then I don't know what to think. Alex. There is nothing ridiculous about you, but sometimes, like before, if you say something that's clearly wrong or something silly then I can't help but laugh. But I don't mean to laugh at you. And today? It's not that I wasn't bothered that we got interrupted... I'm just still kind of nervous, that's all. It's still a big deal for me. And I wasn't sure it was... right, you know? You thought I didn't want to?"

I looked up at him. Somehow when he was babbling his arms had moved around me and now he was holding me against him. He was really close. I didn't dare answer.

"Babe." James said on a breath, touching his nose to mine. "I do. I really, really do. I can't even begin to tell you how much. But it was ok, because I don't plan on going anywhere. We will get to do it and I really really really do want to. Right?" I found myself nodding, looking up at him. James nodded as well, looking at me. He looked solemn but not serious anymore. "You don't need to try, Alex. You don't need to do any more than just relax and enjoy things. You need to trust me a little. I like you, I really really do. I'm dating you because I want you. Want to. I mean."

James looked slightly surprised at himself. A breathless sort of giggle escaped me before I could help it. At least he smiled back.

"Not that I don't want you too." He added, still smiling, and brushed his lips against mine. "Because I certainly do."

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck.

I was in love with him. It was why I was so afraid that he didn't want me or didn't want to date me. And I couldn't even tell him.

"I don't like fighting with you." I said instead of telling him what my heart was crying out for me to say.

James laughed, his breath a warm rush against my cheek. "Liar." He said. "You love it." I smiled briefly.

"Not like this." My voice had gone all stupid and wavery.

"No." He agreed more seriously, resting his cheek against mine. "Not like this."

Neither of us said anything. I never wanted him to stop holding me. I never wanted this to end, but I couldn't even tell him I loved him. It was far, far too soon.

"I just thought of something else." James added. I nodded against his neck. "Alex... don't get upset, because that's not how I mean it..." I found myself getting tense and pulling away slightly anyway. James was smiling at me, kind of seriously, if that makes any sense at all. "But there isn't much convenient about dating you." I blinked at him and James' smile grew wider. "That's half the fun."

I glared at him. Fucking prick.

I mean, I knew he wasn't like really being mean, but all the same...

James started looking awkward, so I had to say something. I couldn't handle not talking to him, and I didn't want things to get any worse.

"I didn't mean-" James began with a grimace.

"Shut up." I interrupted him. "Just shut up and kiss me."

James managed a grin before I grabbed him and kissed him.

It was hungry and sloppy. I wanted him. And fucking now.

I poked him instead. "You're a mean boyfriend." I told him.

James laughed and actually seemed happy.

"You love it." He told me.

I stuck my tongue out rather than tell him how right he was.

Rather than tell him how I felt.

My chest hurt.

I kissed him again.

Alex:

I guess running upstairs as soon as I got home wasn't exactly normal. Even if we'd sat outside in James' car and made out a little. It had felt... weird. Something was wrong.

Sal let me storm around for a while before she came up.

I was sitting at my desk, as if having all my books out in front of me would convince her I was studying.

She never would have fallen for it anyway.

Sal sat down on the end of my bed.

"Want to talk?" she asked.

"No." I said, with as much certainty as I could muster.

But my voice didn't really obey me. In fact, it sounded wobbly as all hell.

Sal didn't say anything and I shut my eyes.

"Ok. So... James and I had this fight. We keep... it's like... I don't know why he's dating me. We only started dating after he found out how I felt. And then he says I don't trust him."

"Do you?"

"Yes. Not like- but... he thinks I think he'll leave me. But he will. I mean, why are we even going out?"

"You think he's just going out with you because you're a friend?"

"It's just- how could he go from just being my friend and never having wanted me, to this? And this fast? And everything's so bad, it's like... it's like it's a joke."

"You really think James would mess with you like that?"

"No. I don't know."

"Al." Sal grabbed the back of my chair and swivelled it so I faced her where she was still perched on the end of my bed. "You've known James for years. And you've talked about him a lot. And I don't think I've ever heard you say a bad thing about him. And I've known James for a long time too. Not as well as you know him. But I think he's a pretty honest, straight-forward sort of a guy."

I couldn't look at her. She was right. But all the same... "It doesn't mean he likes me that way..."

"No." Sal answered slowly. "But look at it this way, Al. He stuck with you that first week of high school, didn't he? When you didn't know anyone else. And he always rang when you weren't at school to see if you were sick. And that time you broke your arm at the park? James was the one who brought you home. And then he brought you your homework every day for a week and helped write it all out for you. James is always the one who-"

I rolled my eyes. "We were like fourteen; it wasn't like it was important homework or anything."

"Alex..." Sal gave me a hard look and a smile. "You're missing the point."

"What point?" I shot at her. I was getting all teary and I hated it. It didn't matter that she'd seen me cry before, and not so long ago. It was still just crappy that I couldn't get a handle on myself.

"He's always been there. He's always been looking out for you."

"No, that's just him being friendly. That's just how he is. He's like that with everyone..."

"You sure?" Sal asked me archly.

I stared at her. How was I supposed to know?

"I didn't really want to go into it... but he's been a really good friend to you. You know you're not the easiest person to get along with,"

"Gee, thanks," I said sarcastically, but both of us knew she was right.

"- but he doesn't care. He knows you, Alex. And it seems to me," She said firmly. "That maybe he just needed someone to point out the obvious to him."

I glared at her a little, but she was watching me a with a smile and then she leant forward and hugged me.

"So why does he think you don't trust him?"

"Because he's... he could do way better than me. He'd never even thought about me like this until that stupid party... and now... it's like it's easy for him. Not like because he wants it."

"It doesn't sound easy from what you've said." Sal said. I frowned at her. Trust Sal to point out the obvious. "Alex. I think you need to have a bit more confidence in yourself. James is not the sort of guy to date someone if it's not right. He's not with you because it's easy."