tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 05: The Naked Dumb

LST3K Ep. 05: The Naked Dumb


LST3K Ep. 05: The Naked Dumb

Welcome once more to another episode of LST3K!

Lit is celebrating Nude Day with the annual contest, and I'm going along for the ride with a voyeur story that really should have been kept under wraps. At the very least, our "author" has run this one through a spell checker to strip out some of the more obvious errors.

Beyond that, the naked truth is that all bets are off.

And now, a brief pause while you all groan over the preceding puns.

Trust me -- take it as easing you into the excruciating literary agony upon which you are about to embark. You are about to take a journey beyond sight and sound, into the world of imagination. A world filled with petroleum jelly and the musty smell of mother's cellars.

Submitted for your disapproval, our unnamed protagonist finds opportunity in the lackluster child rearing skills of his parents to find love in the girl next door. Copious bodily fluids and impossible dimensions await you -- in the Wanker Zone.

Turn down your lights (Where applicable)


I remember this like it happened yesterday. I still see it in my dreams.

Dark: "First person wank -- god help us all," the captive reader screams.

I was 18 years old and home alone. My parents were away on vacation in Hawaii so I had the whole house to myself. The first thing I did was raid my Dad's old porn stash in the attic.

Dark: Break out the tube socks, because it's whakkin' time -- 70s style!

I couldn't figure out how to work the projector to watch the films and I had no idea what the smaller Beta tapes were but the VHS tapes worked and there were all kinds of old porn magazines in the dusty old box.

Dark: Have to admire a guy who will own every video format just so he doesn't miss any good spanking material. Why does it not surprise me that this guy can't work an 8mm projector?

The girls all had hairy pusses and the videos had a lot of static and weird colors but it made my dick real hard. It was way better than the movies on late at night on HBO.

Dark: Not one friend coming over to suggest they have a big beer bash while his parents are gone. Telling -- don't you think?

After I finished watching the movies

Dark: And halving the supply of Vaseline in the house...

I went out in the back yard to play with my dog for a while.

Dark: You've been playing with your dog all day! Give it a rest!

Scrappy must have got bored with playing fetch because the third time I threw the ball it rolled up against the neighbors fence and he ignored it.

Dark: Even the dog doesn't want to play with him.

I walked over to the fence to get the ball and saw my hot neighbor was out by the pool wearing a bikini.

Dark: The pool was wearing a bikini? I've heard of bras for your car, but bikinis for the pool is a new one on me.

I got closer to the fence so I could see her better through the crack. She had huge double dee tits and the bikini barely covered them up. My dick got hard as soon as I saw her. I thought I was going to cum in my pants when she bent over to put a towel on the chair before she sat down on it. One of her nipples came out of the top when she bent over and I could see the outline of her puss through the bottom.

Dark: What kind of weird contortionist act is this woman doing for him to see both those things at once?

She sat down on the chair and I couldn't believe my eyes when she took off her bikini. Her tits and puss were tanned

Dark: Tanned as in color -- or like leather? Please tell me it's the former, because I'm having Something about Mary flashbacks here.

so I knew she had done this before. I wondered how many times I'd missed seeing her naked in the back yard as my 10 inch dick stuck out of my pants because it was so hard.

Dark: Is one comma too much to ask for, Mr. enormous Houdini dick?

What she did next mad my mouth open wide and drool run down my chin.

Dark: Does anyone else think this is pretty much his normal expression?

She spread her legs wide and started playing with her wet puss. She fingered her puss real fast and moaned real loud. Her big tits jiggled like Jello as she shoved her fingers into her puss and squirted puss juice everywhere. I felt drunk watching her through the crack.

Dark: Anyone who believes one word of this story must be drunk or on crack, that's for sure!

She screamed so loud when she cummed that it hurt my ears. There was a puddle of puss juice under her chair. She just kept moaning and squirming in the chair while she cummed.

I looked around to make sure nobody was looking through the bushes at me with my dick sticking out of my pants staring through the fence.

Dark: I know it's called "Old One Eye" sometimes, but it can't stare through the fence.

When I looked back through the fence she was getting out of her chair. I moved away from the fence so she wouldn't see me and know I was watching her play with her puss through the fence.

Dark: The word fence doesn't appear this often in the Three Musketeers.

My dick just kept throbbing while I pretended to do something in the back yard. I was so hard that I could cut glass with it. I had to go back after a minute and look through the fence again. I was dissapointed when I didn't see her anymore. Her bikini was still lying next to the chair next to the puddle of her puss juice though.

I went back into the house to make something to eat. I wanted to make a taco or some tuna because I couldn't stop thinking about puss after watching my hot neighbor cumming.

Dark: Bow before King Cliché! If you're already on your knees, worshiping at the porcelain altar -- welcome to the club. This story should come with a coupon for Dramamine.

I heard something banging on the back door and went to yell at Scrappy. When I opened the door it was my hot neighbor though. She was wearing a robe and it made her big tits look great. My dick started getting hard again the second I saw her.

Dark: *singing Billy Idol* Woman without a face...

Dark: We don't even know what color her hair is. I'll take Imaginary women in masturbatory fantasies for 1000, Alex.

She said "What were you doing by my fence earlier?"

"I wasn't." I said.

She looked mad. "I saw you by my fence. Were you jerking off and watching me play with my puss?"

"I don't jerk off." I said.

Dark: *in a singsong voice* Liar! Liar!

"You were watching me. I should call the police." She crossed her arms and her robe popped open so I could part of her big tits.

I got scared and said "Don't call the police. I didn't do it."

She pointed her finger at me and said "You're looking at my tits now and your dick is hard. I can see it. I saw you by my fence and I know you were watching me. Why shouldn't I call the police?"

I got more scared and said "Please don't call the police. I didn't mean to watch. I was just getting the ball and I looked through the fence."

"Okay. Show me your dick and I won't call the police."

Dark: Wow, I didn't see that one coming!



Dark: "Really Really?"

I started to move back from the door a little but she grabbed my arm. "Right here."

"But somebody might see me."


Dark: The eloquence of the dialogue is mind-boggling. Or, is that mind numbing?

I tried to look around her to see if anybody was around but my eyes kept going to her tits sticking out of her robe. She started tapping her foot so I reached down to unbutton my jeans.

Dark: Hey, wait a minute! Houdini escaped all by himself earlier! I knew it was all a trick, dammit...

I hauled out my dick and she looked down at it and smiled. "That's a nice big dick. I like it."

I said "Want to come in and suck it?"

I thought I was going to cum all over her hand when she grabbed my dick. She pulled it and I had to follow her when she walked backwards out into the yard. I was looking everywhere scared because I thought somebody would see me with my dick out. Then she took off her robe and I forgot about it seeing her tits and her puss.

Dark: The robe was seeing her naughty bits? First, his John Thomas is staring through the fence, and now the robe has eyes too? There's something Freudian here.

I couldn't believe it when she got down on her knees and sucked my dick.

Dark: I don't believe it either.

Her mouth was so hot and wet and she took all 10 inches of my hard dick in her mouth.

Dark: Hey -- a mouth! I thought she was some freaky, headless, top-heavy torso. Wait, she's still a freak if she can take ten inches in her mouth. Does she have a muzzle or what?

She was sucking me so hard that I bet she could have sucked the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Dark: *groans*

I let out a groan and spewed my cum into her mouth. She swallowed it all and looked like she liked it.

Dark: Speaking of spew... *gags*

She stood up and said "I liked sucking your big 10 inch dick. Suck my big tits."

Dark: Today's story brought to you by the word big and the number ten.

I looked around and said "Somebody is going to see us."

She said "Let them watch. I like people watching. When I saw you by the fence I got hot and wanted to play with my puss. If you do it I'll get hot and want you to fuck my puss with your big dick."

When she said that she wanted me to fuck her I forgot all about everything except fucking her. I sucked her big tits and she really liked it. I'd never sucked tits so big and I really liked it too.

She laid down in the grass

Dark: With a dog running loose in the back yard? Do you smell what she's steppin' in? Or rather lying in? Ewwww...

and spread her legs. Her puss looked real good and it was real wet. She said "Lick my puss." Her puss was real sweet and I loved licking it. She cummed three times and then said "Nobody has ever licked my puss so good. Put your big dick in me."

Her puss was so tight that I almost couldn't get my dick in her. She said "Your dick is so big. It feels so good. Does my puss feel good?"

Dark: Does anybody else get the feeling that her dialogue is written by an internet bot?

"It feels great. Your puss is so tight and hot. I like fucking you."

I pounded her puss like a piledriver. She cummed hard and screamed. She said "Nobody has ever fucked me so good. I want your cum in my puss."

No girl had ever let me cum in her puss before. I started fucking her hard again and cummed in her. It squirted out of her puss because I cummed so much. She cummed again when I shot my cum in her.

King Darker: Cumalot!

Darksalot: Cumalot!

Darkahad: Cumalot!

Patsy: It's only his imagination...

King Darker: Shhh!

She said "I want you to fuck me again."

My dick got hard again instantly

Dark: *singing* Gimme a break. Gimme a break. Ain't no way this guy's been laid before!

and I fucked her again. She cummed so hard this time that she couldn't even scream.

Dark: I hope what he was imagining as he typed this one-handed is better than what actually made it into the story. Insert tab A into slot B...

I rolled off her

Dark: Leaving the pages of the Sears Catalog Young Miss section crumpled and sticky.

to catch my breath and noticed someone in a window next door. I grabbed my jeans and said "Put your clothes on there is some guy watching us."

She laughed and said "I know. He always watches me. I know he's jerking off and it makes me hot. I wondered when you would watch me because I wanted you to do more than watch."


Dark: Like, really? Ohmigod that is, like, so cool and stuff! Aaargggh!

"Yes. I wanted you to fuck me real bad. I need to go take a shower but I want you to do it again. A lot of times."

I said "Okay." I watched her put on her robe and walk back to her house but I couldn't get up for a few minutes. I just laid in the grass and smiled.

I did fuck her again a lot of times. I fucked her every day and I'm going to go fuck her again. We always fuck where people can see us and I like that people are watching us fuck now too. I won't ever forget the first time though. I bet you're jealous aren't you?

Dark: In a word -- no. If you'll excuse me, I need to go take a shower now -- a long, hot shower.


Big thanks to the anonymous author who donated this piece (of what I'll let you insert) for daring to expose it to the eyes of the unsuspecting public after languishing in a forgotten folder of embarrassing proportions for years uncounted.

I've seen later work, and he has improved a lot. Although, that doesn't really set the bar high, now does it?

Won't you leave a vote? It only takes a bit. Perhaps you might comment, to display your own great wit. Now with these terrible lines of rhyme, I bid you farewell, until next time.

Keep circulating the links.

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