tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 07: Tree... Hugger?

LST3K Ep. 07: Tree... Hugger?


Welcome to my humble abode of nature for this special Earth Day episode of Literotica Sexual Theater 3000!

As you can see, I've gotten into the spirit by bringing in lots of plants and flowers and... Hey — wait a minute here! These are plastic!

What do you mean real plants are too much trouble? This is an outrage! Get these things out of here. Now! *Picks up the phone* Don't make me call Al.

No, not Weird Al — Al Gore, you Philistine lackwits! Not in the dumpster — in the recycle bin. *sigh*

It's so hard to find good help these days...

Oh well, at least I still have some nice, healthy, natural trail mix to take my mind off the nightmare I'm about to endure. See, right here on the bag — Brokeback Mountain Trail Mix. This blend of nuts, seed, and cream will put a little cowboy in you... *Trails off and coughs*

Okay, maybe not.

Not that there's anything wrong with that!

My loincloth is at least made of natural fibers, isn't it? Please tell me you didn't screw that up. I'm going to break out into hives if it isn't, and that's not going to be pretty.

Burlap? I thought it felt scratchy and smelled of potatoes. Oh well, close enough.

Moving right along... Last Earth Day, I thought I'd discovered the one in a million way that you could possibly screw up a nymph story in the reekarific tale, "Erthe Day."

I was wrong. *Ominous echo*

You can have the trail mix if you want it. I think I still have a few of Lucifer's Snickers left from Halloween. I know those peanut butter kisses are around here somewhere. Those will survive a nuclear meltdown like cockroaches...

Pull up a chair and say a prayer to the Earth Mother for deliverance from the horror you are about to endure.

Turn down your lights (Where Applicable)


Jason jogged along the trail admiring his 50 green acres

Dark: Ba Da Ba Da Bum — Bum Bum!

as he did every morning since he bought the place. Leeches had appeared out of thin air the second he won the lottery

Dark: Cripes, and the Egyptians thought they had it bad with the frogs.

so he bought this place way out in the middle of nowhere to hide away from all the people who wanted his money. He felt lonely sometimes but it was better than having people knocking on his door all the time begging. He didn't see the stump until he tripped over it.

Dark: That transition was about as smooth as a cheese grater.

Jason sat on the ground cursing his bloody leg

Dark: Bloody leg! You're a wanker!

and wondering how he'd never seen the stump before. He thought he heard someone laughing but decided it was just the wind. He was closer to the pond than the house so he decided to go there and wash it off. He wiped sweat off his head and limped to the pond.

Dark: Now our protagonist is as lame as the story.

Jason was glad when he got to the pond and it was colder in the shade than out in the sun. He went down to the water and took off his clothes.

Dark: *singing* It's gettin' hot out here, so take off all your clothes.

Dark: He's stripping to wash off his leg? Can you say 'Cue trite setup for bump and grind,' boys and girls?

He thought he heard laughing again and it sounded louder this time.

Dark: *singing* It was an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie, microscopic, half a weenie!

He looked all around but didn't see anyone so he washed the blood off his leg and sat down to rest until it stopped hurting.

Dark: Considering I haven't seen one yet, maybe we should put commas on the endangered species list.

It was still pretty hot so Jason decided to go swimming in the pond once his leg stopped hurting. He waded in and laughed at the squishy mud between his toes and swam out to the middle. Sometimes while he was swimming he thought he saw the leaves moving like someone was there.

Dark: And sometimes, he thought he saw Kermit playing a banjo and singing about rainbows. Read my lips: Looney Toonie.

When he got out of the pond he heard laughing again.

Dark: Somebody has some repressed issues peeking out here, I do believe.

This time when he turned to look he saw who was laughing and he started drooling. It was a beautiful woman with green hair and huge

Dark: Tracts of land!

tits standing naked next to the pond. Jason put his hand over his dick to hide it and asked "What are you doing here?" She said "I live here." He asked "In the woods?" She laughed and said "You've got wood."

Dark: *Groans* It's the Britney of Nymphdom...

Jason got emberassed because he was hard. The woman said "I like you. You're hurt. Let me help." She walked toward him and Jason drooled even more. He stared at her green bush and her melons

Dark: Is he at a farmer's market? Do they have those velvet pictures of Elvis next to the truck, too?

and wondered if she would let him fuck her. She bent down and reached out to touch his leg. Jason thought his was going to pass out when she touched him. When she moved her hand he could see that the scrape on his leg was gone. "How did you do that?" She laughed and told him "I can do magic things."

Dark: "Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! Well, actually it's a rabbit vibe and... Never mind."

He asked "What are you?" She was still on her knees in front of him and trying to look around his hand covering up his prick. She said "I'm a nymph. Why don't you move your hand?" Jason said "Because I'm naked." She said "So am I."

Dark: It's bad enough that all the dialogue is jumbled together in a maddening cacophony, but a conversation with the stump from the beginning of the story would be more interesting!

He felt brave enough to ask "Do you want to see my dick?" She licked her lips and said "I want to suck it and fuck it."

Dark: Can we please pretend that they're emitting more than their allotment of CO2 with this banter and sew their lips together?

Jason moved his hand and she swallowed his fuck stick.

Dark: Sticks, wood, pussy, melons — I guess this is a nature story. Am I the only one who gets an image of a lion pouncing on a gazelle when they read that line?

He'd never had anyone suck his dick so good. She sucked him hard and slobbered all over his man meat.

Dark: My, that's an attractive image in the old noggin. Kinda like when the St. Bernard drops the ball at your feet — ewww!

He grabbed her green hair and fucked her mouth. She didn't even gag on his prick going down her throat and just kept sucking him and moaning while she played with her twat.

Dark: I always thought that twat sounded like the bowstring on a kid's bow and arrow set breaking.

He roared like a lion when he spewed his baby batter into her hot mouth.

Dark: Speaking of spew... *Gags*

She swallowed every drop of his spunk and just kept sucking him like a vacuum cleaner.

Dark: My new Oreck Nymph 2000 comes in this attractive green color, is environmentally friendly, and is guaranteed not to leave behind one drop of spunk! Order now, and shipping is free!

She finally let him go when he thought he was losing his mind

Dark: Too late.

and said "Your cum tastes good. You cum a lot."

Dark: Grab your coconuts and let us ride to Cumalot!

Jason said "I want to lick your twat."

Dark: And another bowstring breaks. Think of the children, you heartless ass!

She got down

Dark: Now is hardly the time for breakdancing!

and spread her legs real wide. Her pussy was wet and juicy from her fingering it while she sucked his dick. Her green pussy hair was all sticky from her pussy juice all over it. Jason dived into her twat like a starving man and licked her pussy like a kitten drinking milk.

Dark: If he'd rammed one more cliché in there, the sentence would have exploded.

Her pussy tasted like fruit and he couldn't get enough of it. She played with her big tits and told him "Eat my pussy and make it cum." He licked it up and down until his face was all sticky from her pussy juices. She said "You're eating my pussy so good!" He could tell she was a virgin because he could feel her cherry. He licked it and sucked it and she got even hotter.

Dark: Sucked her cherry? Somebody get this guy a diagram of female anatomy. No — on second thought — it's better if he has as little chance of reproducing as possible.

She screamed when she got off "I'm cummmmmiiinnnnggg!!!!" and flopped around like a fish out of water. Jason chased her around and tried to keep licking her because she tasted so good.

Dark: *Humming Benny Hill chase music*

When she finally stopped squirming he grabbed his hard dick and held it up

Dark: *Braveheart Voice* Freedom!

so she could see he was hard and wanted to fuck her. Then he remembered he didn't have a rubber and slapped his forehead hard.

Dark: Please tell me it knocked him out. I know it's Earth Day, but I'd be perfectly happy to contribute to the extinction of stories like this.

She saw his dick and wanted it though. She spread her legs and said "Fuck me!" He told her "I don't have a rubber." His mouth dropped to the ground when she said "Fuck me and cum in my hot pussy!!"

Dark: If this dialogue isn't pollution, I don't know what is.

Jason couldn't believe she was going to let him bust a nut in her pussy. He got on top of her and stuck his dick in her hot hole and groaned because she was so tight because she was a virgin.

Dark: Somebody's a virgin here, and I'm betting it's Captain Because, not the nymph.

He pounded his prick into her cunt like a piledriver so hard that it made her big tits giggle.

Dark: Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on the giggling tits! Eighth wonder of the natural world!

She just screamed "Faster!!" and begged for more so he gave it to her down and dirty. She cummed hard and screamed and he just kept fucking her while she cummed. She said "You made me cum so good with your big dick! Fuck me again!"

Dark: She didn't notice that he hadn't stopped? Meg's got nothin' on our nymph here for faking it.

His balls got hot and he knew he was going to pump her full of jizz soon. He fucked her so hard that she screamed so loud that it hurt his ears. He slammed his pole into her pussy hard and fast and she started to cum again. He said "I'm going to blow!"

Dark: You must not have been reading, Jason. You already do.

and jammed his dick into her pussy hole and filled her cunt with splooge. He cummed so hard that it dripped out of her slit and ran down her asshole. She was so tight that it made a sucking sound when he pulled his prick out of her hole full of cum.

Dark: Such a flair with words... Where did I put that barf bag...

Then he fell asleep.

Dark: *Praying for a flash flood*

When he woke up in the morning he didn't see the nymph anywhere. He was asleep next to a tree that he didn't remember. When he looked at the tree he saw that it had big knots like the nymphs tits and a hole shaped like a pussy.

Dark: That puts a whole new spin on morning wood.

He thought he'd got drunk and fucked a tree until another nymph came out of the woods. She said she was the other nymph's sister and she wanted to fuck too. Jason was never lonely again and every time he knocked up one of the nymph's sisters there was a new tree to make the world a better place.

Dark: We can only pray that it was those trees he sired that they used to make the paper to print this odiferous offering.


Ye gods and demons! I thought I had some bad stuff hidden in the depths of my hard drive.

Well, I do, but that's beside the point.

As with most of the recent donations, the author of this one wants to remain anonymous — forever. I can't blame him. He is a damn good sport, though, as evidenced by him letting me post this and poke such fun at his writing.

So, that's it for another episode of LST3K. Hope you've enjoyed the ride! Remember, contest entries need 25 votes to qualify, so read and vote on as many as you can!

This burlap loincloth is really starting to chafe, so you'd better hurry up and vote before I whip it off. The door is rigged to only open when you vote. Might be a good idea to lock your eyes on the comment form and type something once you escape, just for safety's sake ~_^

Keep circulating the links.

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