LST3K Ep. 08: The Fandom Menace

Leigh turned to the assembled rebels and announced, "I won't ask any of you to stay. The Fempire will hit us harder than anywhere else. They know we're at the center of the rebellion. Vulvena will certainly lead the assault, and it's well known that she prefers castration over incarceration in the Halls of Collection."

Dark: I'm out! I have a doctor's appointment. Yeah, that's it.

Malkor: Dentist! I have a dentist appointment! I'm going for a root canal. If I can survive this story that root canal will be nothing.

Script: Make mine a Lobotomy.

The leader of the rebels stepped forward as the murmurs died down to say, "We'll all stay, Princess. If we fail here, there will be nowhere to hide."

"Saves us the trouble of figuring out how to get to the black-hearted bitch. We couldn't have planned it better, really." Lance slapped the handle of his photon blade against his palm. "We should be able to eliminate the Femtroopers at each base with the short-range transmitters. That should work long enough for everyone to get the subspace signals up and running. Once we start broadcasting that, the Fempire is going to crumble. The women who follow the grand bitch by choice are too few to keep things together."

Dark Helmet: *turns toward the camera* Did everybody get that?

"How long?" Leigh asked.

Dark: Because she barely felt it.

"We probably couldn't have escaped if we'd chosen to. The first ships are already dropping out of hyperspace," the leader of the rebellion revealed.

Lance threw off his vest and lifted a boot to tighten the straps. Everyone knew he was preparing for the most dangerous fight of his life. "Stand by that short range transmitter, Leigh. The others are needed to get the long range ones online. Wait until the last second. We need to make sure it hits as many of them as possible."

"Gods be with us all."

Dark: See? Hell, even he knew that "May the Aura be with you" sounded lame.

****

"The fleet is in place, Mistress Vulvena. There will be no escape."

"Dispatch the ground forces at once. Remind them that the rebel leaders are mine."

"At once, Mistress Vulvena."

Vulvena smiled at the image of Orgasma on the monitor. "With this blow,

Dark: *snicker* No joke required.

all that was ceases to exist. There will be only the Fempire, and we will rule supreme. I know you're down there, Starseeker. Thus die the Aura Knights and their archaic masochism as well." She laughed and spun on her heel with her photon blade already in hand.

****

"I hate this," Leigh hissed

Script: I'm with you, Princess.

as she stared at the monitors, which revealed the Femtroopers marching from their ships in the main hanger. "I should be out there with Lance."

The leader of the rebellion continued to punch buttons as he spoke. "You're needed here. We need every hand if we're going to get these long range transmitters ready in time. He won't last long against a Fempire army if you don't broadcast that jamming signal."

"That doesn't mean I have to like it." Leigh found that she could feel the approach of the Femtroopers and the dark miasma of Vulvena.

Dark: Ever have that not-so-fresh feeling?

In the monitor, she saw what her feelings had already told her. Lance ignited his photon blade, knowing that the first troopers were close.

The first of the clone soldiers entered the room and aimed her weapon. "That's it," Leigh declared, and activated her transmitter.

A moment later she muttered, "What?"

The Femtroopers were dropping their weapons and peeling off their armor. The women turned on each other as soon as they removed their armor, not with weapons, but with lips and tongues.

Dark: Cue Benny Hill and the chase music!

The leader of the rebellion glanced over his shoulder and saw what Leigh was watching in the monitor. "The Femtroopers were originally secreted throughout the galaxy as pleasure workers. More skilled than any other woman, immune to disease, and undercutting all existing pleasure houses. The signal you're transmitting reverts their mental programming back to that point."

Dark: Enough of this crappy plot gap filler! Get back to the girlie orgy!

"I thought it was supposed to disable them."

"They are disabled. They know nothing of combat so long as that signal is transmitting."

"Vulvena," Leigh growled upon seeing the scowling, black-clad woman sprint from her shuttle, igniting her crimson photon blade as she ran.

"Go, we will hold here."

Leigh nodded and picked up her own photon blade. She ran toward the hold where Lance stood guard as fast as her legs could carry her.

****

Vulvena paid no mind to the writhing bodies and scattered plastisteel littering the halls. She trod on both with equal heartlessness as she charged toward the rebel base with Aura-enhanced speed. The signal that had reduced her army to a writhing, snakelike mass of female flesh would have no effect upon the elite troopers following her. Those had been created for battle, and would not react. A sweep of her hand and a push of the Aura sent two Femtroopers grinding their bodies against each other in the doorway hurtling out of the way.

Dark: That sentence was more confusing than tax law.

Malkor: *singing* On and On, it just keeps on running.

She walked into the room and scowled at Lance, who stood waiting for her with his photon blade drawn.

"Your Femtroopers seem a little distracted," Lance taunted.

"Not for long, and my elites will arrive soon. You'll be dead long before they arrive," Vulvena warned, moving toward him in a battle ready posture, with her photon blade aimed at his crotch.

Dark: *Slips into Sherrif of Rottingham* That's going to chafe my Willy.

"You've already tried once," Lance responded with a smug grin.

"You're the last of a dead breed. Your precious Knighthood is dead, and its masochistic ways with it."

"Not as long as I live." Lance wasted no more time, launching into an Aura-enhanced leap that brought him within striking range.

Vulvena blocked the overhand strike and swung her own strike at Lance's crotch.

Dark: That's three strikes. Yer out!

Lance's blue blade met her crimson one just in time. He disengaged, leaping into a backward somersault. Vulvena charged in, her blade whirling.

Light and dark clashed, the hisses and explosions of their flashing photon blades mingling with the sounds of pleasure echoing throughout the base from the coupling Femtroopers.

****

Leigh banged her fist on the door and cried out in frustration.

Dark: "Did you fall in? I have to tinkle!"

Malkor: Hell with tinkling I have to barf!

Dark: Half man, half dog. He's his own best friend!

Something on the other side was in the way, and the safety protocols were preventing the door from opening.

She raised her wrist and called to her Attendbot, "Em-Eight, override this door!" M8 beeped a response over the communicator while Leigh nervously listened to the sound of crashing photon blades on the other side.

****

The thunderous crackles and explosions of the clashing photon blades rang out alongside grunts of exertion from the combatants and cries of ecstasy from the coupling Femtroopers.

Dark: Isn't this the exact same paragraph that ended the last scene? Last week on Porn Wars...

Malkor: Oh, how cute, the author tried to build a bridge.

Dark: If natural selection actually worked, he would have drowned in the process.

Vulvena and Lance disengaged with simultaneous pushes from the Aura, forcing them both to backflip to regain their feet several yards apart.

"Not so easy to cut down an Aura Knight without your Femtroopers blasting me at the same time, is it?"

Vulvena circled with a smile, hearing the sounds of her elite Femtroopers approaching. "I simply awaited an audience for my final victory. I'll show you the folly of refusing me admittance into the Aura Knights because I was born female."

Script: "Are you sure? Those breasts don't look real to me."

"You could have had a dick a foot long and we'd have refused you.

Dark: But only because it would have given them inferiority complexes.

You were always dangerous," Lance snapped back, taking up a defensive posture as he heard the footsteps of the elite Femtroopers.

"Lies," Vulvena spat

Dark: A lady doesn't spit, she swallows.

Malkor: And if she gargles, she's just showing off.

as she signaled to her Femtroopers to hold their fire. "Not one member of your arrogant order would have ever considered a woman anything more than a brood mare."

Script: Of course! Turning them into blow-up dolls was a much better idea!

Two cries of alarm erupted from the rear of the room as the groping Femtroopers blocking the door were pushed out of the way. Lance didn't look, but Vulvena did.

"Ah, Leigh. You'll soon enough return to your place. Watch the last of the Aura Knights die, and with him your rebellion."

Lance couldn't help but smile and chuckle at Vulvena's expression of surprise when Leigh whipped out her weapon.

Dark: Whenever you're in doubt...

"I don't think so, you cunt," Leigh sneered as she moved to Lance's side with her photon blade held before her.

"No!" Vulvena shouted when the Femtroopers raised their weapons again. "I'll kill both of them myself." She leapt forward with no warning,

Script: Except for the promise to kill them.

her blade humming through the air.

Twin blades of blue and gold crossed to block Vulvena's strike. The two Aura Knights disengaged and attacked simultaneously. Vulvena blocked Lance's thrust toward her abdomen, and the follow-through continued to deflect a strike from Leigh. Vulvena understood the real intent of Leigh's attack when great locks of her dark tresses fell to the floor.

Dark: *Princess Vespa* My hair! She shot my hair! Son-of-a-bitch!

Leigh dodged the vengeful thrust that followed as Lance launched another attack. The Princess felt more confident and powerful with every passing second. Photon blades clashed in a deafening roar, but only Leigh's first strike had touched another opponent.

Lance and Leigh both felt it at the same time. They were prepared for the great disturbance in the Aura caused by the galaxy-wide result of the rebellion. Throughout the galaxy, men awakened within the Halls of Collection to wrench free of the machines sucking their seed.

Dark: Gonna have to call bullshit. No man is wrenching free of anything he wakes up and finds sucking him.

Malkor: I'll have to agree with you on that one.

Script: *snerk*

Femtroopers fell to their lust as the control that made them warriors ceased. Wherever women saw the holograms of couples fucking, the mind control of the Fempire slipped away.

Script: This implies a level of intelligence I'm not sure is in this galaxy.

Vulvena was not prepared, and flinched as she felt her power weakening.

Lance and Leigh both took advantage of the momentary distraction, but it was Leigh's blow that struck true. Her golden blade seared through black plastisteel and flesh, cutting off the tip of Vulvena's right breast.

Dark: Breast reduction surgery — half off!

Malkor: We get tips on this gig?

Vulvena fell back with a hiss of pain, covering her wounded breast with one hand while she deflected following strikes from both Leigh and Lance. "Attack now," she called to her Femtroopers.

The Femtroopers raised their weapons, but suddenly found that they were outnumbered. Men boiled from the back of the room, firing blasters that dropped the surprised Femtroopers.

"You're beaten, Vulvena," Lance declared.

"The Fempire is gone. I know you can feel it."

Malkor: "I could never feel anything as pathetic as your wretched excuse for a cock."

"Never!" Vulvena shrieked and launched forward into a desperate, adrenaline-fueled leap.

Lance barely managed to hold off Vulvena's assault, surprised by the strength of her blow. Leigh was ready though.

Dark: Even the fight is porn.

Vulvena's eyes widened as Leigh's golden blade slipped through ebon plastisteel and flesh.

Dark: Sounds like a teaser scene from some Lesbian Toy Time video.

As the dark woman's blood red blade shrank into nothingness,

Dark: Guess she and Lance have something in common.

Lance and Leigh also extinguished their weapons to the sound of cheering from the rebels. Somewhere below it all, the sounds of the coupling Femtroopers continued to echo through the hidden bunker.

****

Leigh stepped around a man and woman furiously coupling in the middle of the palace floor. "How long is this going to last?"

Lance chuckled. "The regular people will recover in a couple of days, but we have thousands of insatiable Femtroopers on the loose. So long as they're running around naked licking and sucking anything in sight, the men are going to be pretty distracted."

Dark: Femtroopers gone wild!

Malkor: Order right now and you'll also get our behind the scenes video.

"Not just the men," Leigh coyly suggested.

Lance gazed at her with a question in his eyes.

"Not everything about the Fempire was bad," Leigh responded with a wink. "For one thing, the new Aura Knights are going to be coed. Right?"

Dark: Coed? How out of dialect is that?

Script: Like...totally.

"I'm in no mood to challenge you to a duel over it."

"I can't believe the Empress escaped," Leigh lamented.

"Her power's broken. She's no threat now."

"Now," Leigh countered ominously. She walked up to the throne and turned back to look over the room.

Dark: "The paper is on the sink," Lance informed her.

Malkor: And don't forget to use the spray.

Six couples and larger groups were either fucking or relaxing afterward within sight. The sounds of others doing the same emerged from everywhere. Leigh still felt excited even now, more than a day after the duel with Vulvena. The sight of Lance approaching caused her nipples to stiffen and wetness to seep between her legs.

Leigh licked her lips and purred, "Speaking of now..."

Lance chuckled and unhooked his trousers as Leigh turned to jerk down her borrowed pants.

Dark: Light a match!

She bent over with her hands on the throne and wiggled her ass in invitation.

M8 let out a sound like a wolf whistle, prompting DP to agree, "Yes, Em-Eight. I'm quite glad to see the two of them enjoying themselves as well." He then turned to his counterpart to discover the true source of the Attendbot's whistling. M8 was happily thrusting his plastisteel dildo into a trembling and squealing woman.

"I will never understand you or humans, Em-Eight," DP sighed. He then let out a gasp of surprise as his own plastisteel cock sprang forth from a hidden compartment.

Dark: Insert cartoon diving board sound here.

He turned to find a woman with massive hooters

Dark: Great horned owls?

Script: Aren't those endangered? Or maybe that was dangerous..*shrugs*

Dark: It's a dangerous animal! Throw it in the trough!

pressing the switch that activated the function.

Dark: She pressed the switch with her massive hooters?

Malkor: Maybe she's trying to "tune in Tokyo."

"Oh dear. I believe there is some sort of mistake," DP asserted.

Dark: Yeah, the author for writing this, and me for reading it.

Malkor: Thank god, another drink. I never would have made it through this without my trusty bottle.

She wouldn't take no for an answer, and DP got an extensive lesson in human/cyborg relations.

Dark: *Groan*

Malkor: *Retch*

Script: *Gag*

The sounds of pleasure echoed throughout the galaxy.

Dark: While the sound of retching echoes throughout the audience.

***LST3K**********

This one comes from a fan, and I'm not entirely sure whether he meant this as a serious story, satire, or whether he pounded this one out after a case of Heineken and a bag full of magic mushrooms.

Regardless, he realized his folly before posting it, and sent it to me to see if I could edit it into something workable. As I tried to think of a genteel way to inform him that I saw little hope of salvaging it, he sent me an email saying that exact thing, and told me to spoof it.

What's here is his story with a touch of me doing my best to turn it into something. I tried for serious, and then tried for satire...

It ended up a stinker, no matter what.

He's learned a lot, I believe, and thankfully hasn't given up after his first attempt to write. Here's hoping that he comes out with a story soon to atone for this abominable piece of fanfic gone horribly wrong.

He's a good sport, as is anyone who donates a story for me to slice-n-dice. Give him an anonymous round of applause, because that's how he wants to remain.

Big thanks to Script and Malkor for hopping on board the Literary Titanic with me to go down with this ship. I know I laughed out loud when I saw their lines for the first time, so I'm sure the same is going on out there. This stinker got exactly what it deserved with the addition of their razor sharp wit!

So, until next time...

Keep circulating the links!