tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 11: Earth Duh

LST3K Ep. 11: Earth Duh


Welcome back aboard the Satellite of Lust for another episode of Literotica Sexual Theater 3000!

Maybe you've strapped in with me before on a trip down Lousy Story Lane, and believe that you're prepared for what is to come. You have plenty of booze and an ample supply of barf bags on hand. You've set your affairs in order and alerted your next of kin. You think you're ready.

You're wrong.

There are no words to describe the horrible journey upon which we are about to embark. The road before us is twisted, full of dead ends, and lined with the garbage of generations. Skunks flee for their lives from the stench of this story, and Mother Nature is curled up in a fetal position — weeping.

This tale of pseudo-ribaldry should have probably been posted in Erotic Horror as a warning for any who would dare tread this path. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

There's only one way to survive. Draw thy rapier wit, valiant one, and sally forth atop your noble steed. Summon up thy courage, and prepare to do battle with the beast that is Earth Duh.

Turn down your compact florescent lights.

( Where applicable )

**** LST3K ********************************

11:45 a.m., Saturday, March 14th 2009: a Freshman Dorm, Athens, Georgia

Dark: What is this — a police report? Probably appropriate, as I suspect that Earth Day is about to get raped by this story.

"Ronnie?" I stretched as I uttered my girlfriend's name. My eyes were still closed but I could feel her warm body snuggled next to me. On both sides.

Dark: Is he dating Jabba the Hutt?

Huh? Both sides? I stretched again as I opened my right eye.

Ronnie had short blond hair today. Which my still fuzzy brain found strange since she'd always had shoulder length brown hair. So I shut my eye and lay back down against the pillow. Blond hair?

"Aaaaaaahhhh." A contented moan.

Dark: Reads more like a death cry to me.

It came from my left side. Turning my head I slowly peeked through my left eye. The sun was flooding into the room from somewhere beyond the naked body that was nestled against me so I again asked, "Ronnie?" before I realized that this Ronnie had long red hair. What the fuck? I fell back against my pillow and tried to go back to sleep. I liked this dream.

But it was too late, my brain was working too hard to process what my eyes had seen to go back to sleep.

Dark: I couldn't sleep through the sound of that hamster running in its rusty wheel either.

And then I remembered. Veronica had gone to Atlanta to visit her aunt for the weekend. And I, a fourth year business major at the University of Georgia, finding myself alone on a Friday night, had accepted one of my buddies invites to join him at a party that his Frat had been holding.

I slowly opened my eyes again. I looked left, then right. Shit!

Dark: As I'm contractually obligated not to, you'll have to write your own joke here.

The first year coeds! Ashley and someone, yes Kimberly's the redhead I remembered as I inspected the girl to my left.

Dark: Good thing he's a business major and not an English major...

You fool I chastised myself even as visions from the night before came back to me.

You're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship ... Christ, you've been thinking about popping the question ... you bastard, you're not supposed to be doing this anymore.

Dark: You couldn't put the thoughts in the last couple of sentences in italic so they would make sense?

As these thoughts flashed through my mind my eyes hungrily raked across the cute red head to my left.

Dark: Raked? That's going to leave a mark!

Her puffy pink nipples that capped perfectly proportioned pyramids beckoned.

Dark: Don't practice your alliteration on me!

So I leaned over and trapped one of the beauties between my lips. Then moistly tongued it before sucking it hungrily into my mouth. Stop that my mind ordered as my fingers cupped the sleeping girls breast. My cock lazily lifted its head.

Dark: Mr. Lazy Cock must have been the one who edited this mess.

A sigh behind me momentarily took my attention away from Kimberly. I turned. Ashley, still asleep, was stretching her lithe young body like a cat. Her breasts, smaller but rounder than the cones of her friend,

Dark: Consume mass quan-titties!

invited me. So I bent over her. They tasted great. I moved my fingers down across her shaven mound as memories of the night before continued to surface. I remembered how her hot little cunt had squeezed me when I'd pushed inside of her. My cock continued to grow.

Dark: And one day, maybe your testicles will descend.

I slipped a finger down her slit. I could feel the sticky remnants of my last night's ejaculations as I explored her opening.

Then I felt a hand slide across my butt and slip between my legs. Fingers closed around my sack.

Dark: Yow! Lorena Bobbit Alert!

"Hey," I protested as I looked back over my shoulder at the redhead. Her eyes were open.

"It's my turn, not hers," she insisted as she grabbed my shoulder and pulled me until I was lying on my back.

"No its not," her blond friend answered as she opened her eyes.

Dark: Hmm... "blond" is the male version. More than meets the eye!

Kimberly ignored her as she climbed on top of me.

"I can't ... I'm finished," I protested. The three of us had been going at it half the night.

"He's not," Kimberly answered

Dark: Wait, she's saying 'he's not' to him? I'm so confused!

as she grabbed my penis and then adjusted herself so that my cock was rubbing against her red curls. Then she started to ride me!

Dark: Notice how surprised this guy is that a woman is getting anywhere near Mr. Happy?


"You're better than Tiger Woody," Kim said with a shy grin five minutes later. I was rapidly softening as I slipped out of her.

Dark: Well, that was a pulse pounding sex scene...

"Much better," Ashley agreed. "Bigger too."

"Tiger Woods?" I muttered. These babes had been sleeping with Tiger Woods? "The golfer?"

Dark: Just when you thought Tiger's standards couldn't get any lower...

"We don't play golf with him," blond Ashley replied with a grin.

"He does have a big driver though," Kimberly said, and then, as she put her fingers around my semi erect shaft, asked her friend, "Do you really think he's bigger than Tiger?"

"Definitely!" Ashley replied as she moved her hand and cupped my balls.

"Really? I'm not so sure. He's certainly thicker and he's got this nice curve," she said as she started to move her hand up and down my shaft, "but is he longer?"

"I'll prove it," the blond said, then hopped out of the bed and rushed from the room.

Dark: Run away! Run away!

"Where's she going?" I asked.

"To get the Tiger," Kim replied.

Dark: Wait a minute! I didn't see any warning about bestiality at the beginning of this!

These girls are fucking nuts I thought

Dark: Well, we agree on something.

but I figured that I might as well humor them as I watched my redheaded coed dip her head and then capture my cockhead between her lips. "Where does she keep him?" I asked. My cock had sprung to attention in her mouth.

Dark: Yeah, a minute or so after that five minute marathon earlier, he's good to go!

Kimberly spat me out for a second,

Dark: What sexy imagery! Hock Ptooie!

just long enough to say, "In my bedside night table, I was the last one to use him." Then her tongue darted out and started to swirl around my thick bulb.

Dark: Dim bulb...

Drugs I thought.

Dark: That would explain much of this story.

Major drug use has fried this poor young things brain. However her tongue certainly seemed to still know what it was doing.

"We got him just last week, FedEx delivered him," she added between moist licks.

Dark: She probably had plenty of practice licking windows.

I thought of the FedEx Cup. It had to be them I thought, hell they're the big sponsor of the PGA tour these days. What am I doing with these wacko broads I asked myself. Shit, I was almost engaged. Then I looked up.

Ashley was standing at the side of the bed and was now clad in a pair of tiger skin patterned panties. Or so it seemed. And sticking out from the crotch of said panties was an eight inch or so long, yellow and black striped pole.

Dark: Yellow and black? Never mind science class. These three fail Winnie the Poo.

"A strap-on? What are you going to do with that?" I gasped.

"An environmentally friendly one," little Ash proclaimed as she climbed up on the bed. And in doing so brought the contraption towards my face.

"Bring it here," Kim ordered her friend. "I wanta measure them side by side."

Tiger Woods is endorsing dildos now?

Dark: May be a viable option in light of recent events.

How much money does any golfer guy need? Does Nike put their 'Swoosh' on them? What the fuck is she talking about, 'environmentally friendly'? All these questions and more cascaded through my mind

Dark: Into a waterfall of creative alternatives? Unfortunately, the follow up of "You use your tongue pertier than a twenty dollar whore," simply doesn't apply to this story.

as I watched Ashley move down my body and adjust herself so that 'Tiger Woody' was facing my 'Woody'.

"Don't you dare touch me with that thing," I ordered as I struggled to sit up.

"We're just comparing them, measuring them," Kimberly said while putting her hands around both my penis and 'Tiger'. She then placed them head to head.

Dark: Closest we're going to get to a meeting of the minds in this stinker of a story.

"That's disgusting," I grumbled.

"Take it off Ash so I can put them side by side," Kimberly instructed her friend. Seconds later 'Tiger' was released from the strap-on and firmly held by the redhead. Then she placed it side by side with mine.

Dark: Side by side. Side by side. Is he trying to protect the environment by repeatedly recycling the same words?

"I told you he was bigger," Ashley said triumphantly. Looking down my body I could easily see that I had Mr. Tiger Woody beaten in the length category.

"No wonder Axel felt so good," Kimberly answered, then tossed the dildo to the floor. "And you're going to feel good inside me again," she promised my penis, quickly kissed him, then straddled my body and brought him inside her pussy. A pussy still oozing out the sperm my last ejaculation had filled her with.

Dark: Wishing I had some mind bleach after imagining what that must have sounded like.

"It's my turn," Ashley protested even as Kimberly lowered herself onto me. "And you shouldn't have thrown 'Tiger' down like that. You could have hurt him."

Dark: I don't know about tigers, but there are certainly cuckoos in this story.

Out of the corner of my eye I watched her pick the fake cock up and then reattach him at her groin.

"First come, first served," Kim answered triumphantly. I watched as her red pubic triangle started to move up and down. I thrust upward to meet her. Then I pulled her head down and crushed her lips with mine.

Dark: That sounds about as sexy as a trash compactor. How fitting for this story.

Our hips continued to move. Then over Kimberly's shoulder I saw Ashley positioning herself behind her friend. I actually felt it when she pushed 'Tiger Woody' into her friends bum.

I'm too old for freshmen I thought as the three of us quickly got into rhythm. Kimberly was a screamer! Tiger didn't say a word!

Dark: Would have been pretty muffled if 'he' did, considering 'he' was shoved up someone's 'bum'.


"We need a picture, actually lots of pictures," Ashley said sometime later. She was holding a small digital camera and pointing it at my cock.

Dark: Were the sex scenes redacted by the military or something?

"Oh no you don't," I ordered as I tried to cover my face and groin with my hands.

"Not your face silly, we just need pics of your penis for the contest," Kimberly informed.

Dark: When's the last time anybody heard a college freshman girl refer to it as a penis? *crickets chirping*

"What contest?" I asked as I peered between my fingers.

"The dildo company is holding a contest. They want girls to send in suggestions for their next generation of penile replacements."

"No one is making a dildo out of this guy,"

Dark: Way too late for that, I'm afraid.

I promised as I lifted my cock from my thigh.

"Hold Tiger Woody next to it," Ashley encouraged her friend. "So they'll see how big he is."

So I let the girls take a few shots. What could it hurt? The chances of my man getting chosen were one in a million. Or so I thought.


"Why is it environmentally friendly?" I asked Kimberly some hours later.

Dark: They probably spent the first hour or so trying to figure out why the pictures were all black, and then took off the lens cap.

I'd forgotten Ashley's earlier claim until I'd tripped over old 'Tiger Woody' on a trip back from the can.

Dark: I tripped on my trip, as one can when returning from the can.

Although we'd eaten breakfast in bed and showered together, most of the previous six hours had passed in sexual play. I was finished. My cock was dead!

Dark: Six hours in five minute intervals. It's no wonder it all happens off screen.

Let Tiger do a little of the work I thought.

"What's environmentally friendly?" Kimberly asked.

"Woody here," I answered, "Ashley said something about it being-"

"It is," Ashley answered as she came into the room carrying three beers. "That's why it's so expensive."

"It's expensive?" I asked as I bent over and picked it up.

Dark: He was complaining that it was disgusting earlier, and now he's picking it up after it's been used for anal for six hours?

"It cost $119.00, shipping and handling included."

"What? How much? Are you two nuts?"

Dark: They're sleeping with you, so I'd have to say yes.

"But that included the strap-on contraption too," Kimberly explained. "And some of the proceeds are donated to charity."

"It's also a 'large', and came with two srcew in attachments."

Dark: Screw in attachments on a panty-based strap-on. Good thing he's not a physics major, either.

"But can't you buy one of those plastic florescent purple or pink ones for like twenty bucks? Christ, how much money does Tiger Woods need anyway?" I asked innocently.

Dark: There's a difference between innocent and stupid.

Besides what did two girls like these two need with dildos anyway I wondered.

"PLASTIC?" Ashley's voice dripped with scorn.

"Do you know what harm plastic dildos are doing to the environment Mr. Business Major?" Kimberly added. She wasn't happy either.

Huh? "Plastic dildos are hurting the environment?" I was totally flummoxed by the idea.

Dark: Your word of the day is flummoxed. Try to work it into conversation!

"Do you know how many birds have died trying to swallow plastic penises?"

Dark: *double take* Wha?! Hey, Crow, look at that giant penis shaped seed! I'm going to eat it! *choke*

"Birds? Birds that fly?"

Dark: No, birds that dance the Macarena. Idiot.

"Penguins too. And fish!" the blond declared angrily.

Were these two kidding? "How do fish come in contact with imitation cocks?" I asked once I decided they were conning me. I smiled at them to let them know I was on to them.

"They think they're lures, haven't you ever fished?"

Dark: Uhm, fish bite lures because they think they're natural prey. That's why they're called lures.

the redhead, clearly someone who'd spent some time angling in her pretty young life, asked.

"What kind of fish are lured by six or eight inch long fluorescent penises?"

"All kinds ... haven't you seen a lure before? Big fish. Dolphins."

Dark: Fish. Dolphins. Need I say more?

I'd had enough. "How do dildos get in the lakes and ocean in the first place?" I asked sarcastically. I figured this would shut them up.

Dark: Your mother drives you there, when she can drag your pasty-white behind out of the basement, kicking and screaming.

"Do you know how many plastic dildos were sold worldwide in 2007?" Ashley asked. I shook my head no even as I tried to guess a figure. A couple of million?

"According to the United Nations over one hundred and eighty-nine million of them Mr. Smart Guy."

Dark: Exactly what country heads up the International Commission on Dildo Affairs?

I still was trying to figure out how dildos could have got into the ocean when the size of the number hit me. It sounded preposterous. Who was she kidding?

"No way! How do you know that?" I challenged.

"It's reported on their website; they explain everything about the damage plastic pricks are doing to our environment."

Dark: Though it's nothing compared to the damage sparkling vampires are doing to the cinema.

"On whose website?" I asked even while wishing I'd never brought the subject up.

"The website of the company that manufactured Tiger Woody. They have a complete line of eco friendly penises," Kimberly explained.

"They're not penises," I protested.

Dark: That's pretty much what I've been thinking as you bombarded us with the word all the way through this nightmare!

"And their research shows that some one hundred million plastic penises have been thrown away each of the last five years. It's an environmental catastrophe." Ashley this time.

Dark: "Did he say something? Who cares, I'm going to keep babbling. Tee hee."

"And where do you think they end up Mr. Businessman?" came at me from Kimberly.

"Why would girls throw them away?" I was now definitely on the defensive.

"They end up polluting our streams and rivers and oceans," Kimberly continued. "And wait til you see the video of the poor manatees."

Dark: Once again, she keep on delivering her cartoon super-villain monologue as if he'd never spoken.

I love manatees!

Dark: Here we go with the bestiality again...


"It's sooo disgusting," Ashley said.

"Why? What's it about?"

"You'll see," she promised.

Manatees? Fish? Birds? Penguins? Killer plastic dildos?

Dark: Attack of the Killer Plastic Dildos would have been a good title for this story. At least that would have offered more warning about how bad it is.

I looked over at the dildo lying on the floor.

Dark: Which I'd forgotten that I picked up a few paragraphs back. Continuity — always helpful when telling a story.

"So what the hell is this made of?" I asked as I nudged 'Woody' with my toe.

Dark: This guy makes Peter Griffin look like a Rhodes scholar.

"Wood," Kimberly answered smugly.

Wood? What the hell, I thought as I looked over at the two girls. Just fuck them, one side of my brain implored. The side that was connected to my dick!

Dark: Never would have guessed.

But the other side of my brain couldn't shut up. "How is chopping down trees going to help the environment?" I demanded. My cock, clearly pissed off, settled back down on my thigh.

Dark: "I'm taking my balls and going home!"

"Haven't you two heard of the Brazilian rainforests and global warming?"

"We should never have brought him home," Ashley said in exasperation to her pal.

Dark: I could have told you that about one sentence into this.

"Business students just don't get it," she added as she slowly shook her head.

"We'll just have to explain it to him slowly, it's our duty as environmentalists," Kimberly answered. There was a sexy grin on her lips as she said it.

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