tagHumor & SatireLST3K Ep. 12: U Beach!

LST3K Ep. 12: U Beach!


Well Playboy girls are great
They look so sultry and debonair
And the Hustler girls with their legs spread wide
You get a real good look down there

But maybe you get a craving
For something wild and way out there
For titanic boobs and throats so deep
They make the circus freaks stop and stare

I wish they all could be wank fiction
I wish they all could be wank fiction
I wish they all could be wank fiction girls.

Greetings, and welcome to the Satellite of Lust! Someone pulled a flamboyant mouse maneuver and crashed Windows 95, so we're a little close to the sun on this orbit, but it's all good. Grab some SPF 1000 and kick back for a special scorching summer episode of Literotica Sexual Theater 3000!

Coming out of the box today...

Shouldn't that be the other way around?

Anyway, this story washed up on the beach with all the other garbage on the morning tide — once lost, but now unfortunately found. This is no pleasant family outing to Disney, folks. It's a horror show trip to the second circle of hell, where frustrated guys living in their mother's basements turn their pen to imaginary romps with anatomically incorrect, morally vacant, intellectually challenged women who have less personality than a postage stamp!

*Catching my breath*

You're stuck with me, though. The hatchway leading to the escape pods won't even open until this sun-shriveled bit of literary beach debris is over. Pull up a deck chair, put on your bikini, grab yourself a margarita, and hope the liquor stuns you into insensibility long enough to survive U Beach!

Turn down your sunlamps.

(Where applicable)

***** LST3K****************************

You wouldn't believe the summer I just had.

Dark: Well, he's starting off on the right foot. Odds are that this thing will be less credible than Bigfoot sightings.

It all happened at Underwood Lake, or rather at Underwood Beach, or Underwear Beach, or U Beach, or Panty Beach as it was sometimes called.

Dark: More ORs in that sentence than a rowboat race on old Lake Wanksalotti.

Sit down and I'll tell you the tale.

Dark: *singing* A tale of impossible tits! Written by a guy who's never fucked! And probably has a tiny dick!

Dark: Little buddy!

Underwood lake is way out in the middle of nowhere. You have to drive on rock roads through corn and bean fields for like an hour to get there. The cops hardly ever come out there and the nearest farm house is a few miles away, so it's the perfect place to get drunk if you're under 21.

Me and a bunch of my friends were out there getting fucked up, but I had to work late that day and didn't get there until they were already drunk. When they started passing out, I slowed down and ended up awake by myself.

I got bored and decided to go down by the lake. It was hot and humid as fuck and I thought I might go swimming. The beach was across the lake from the place where we camped, and sometimes girls came down there and skinny-dipped after dark. I thought I might get lucky and see some tits too.

Dark: My guess is that this guy is still hoping to get so lucky.

The reason that the beach got some of its names was because of the panty tree.

Dark: Related to the kite-eating tree? There's a nature documentary I'd like to film!

Anytime you fucked a girl on the beach, you were supposed to hang her panties from the panty tree. Guys had been doing it for years, and there were panties hanging all over that tree. Some of them were so old that they were just tattered bits.

Dark: People downwind probably think there's a tuna canning plant out there.

I heard splashing as I walked down the hill and could see that someone was in the water through the bushes. My dick got hard in a second when I saw them out in the water.

Veronica and Betty

Dark: Guess that makes our author Jughead.

were cheerleaders, and the hottest girls from school. The were blonde and had bodies to die for. They both were skinny, had great asses, and double-ds, which I was getting a good look at as they splashed each other in the light of the full moon.

Dark: I feel compelled at this point to remind everyone — especially the author — that inflatable sex partners are not meant to be used as flotation devices.

Let me tell you, I was sweating like a pig seeing them naked, even tough I could only see their tits so far. Betty had really big brown nipples and Veronica had tiny pink ones, and their boobs were bouncing as they swam around and splashed water at each other.

Dark: Bouncing — in the water. *Facepalm*

The best was yet to come though. They swam over to the beach and got out. Their asses looked even better naked than they did when I'd seen them while they were doing flips and stuff and their skirts came up.

Dark: Their butts are acrobats?

They turned around and sat down on a beach towel. Veronica shaved her pussy, but Betty had a bush the same color as her hair. Man, they had great pussies. I almost jizzed in my pants when they started french kissing.

Dark: Is this lake five feet wide, or does he have telescopic vision? Up, Peniscope!

Betty started playing with Veronica's boobs while they kissed. Veronica stuck her hand behind Betty's back and started fingering her crack.

Dark: Sounds like a rejected verse for the Animaniacs theme song.

I was harder than Chinese math and had to get closer so I could see better. They were moaning so loud that they didn't even hear me sneak down into the water and swim across the lake. I couldn't see them while I was swimming, so I tried to swim as fast as I could without making a bunch of noise.

Dark: *Hanging a "Camp Crystal Lake" sign and hoping for the best*

When I got out of the water I went over and hid behind the panty tree. They were only like six feet away and Betty was eating Veronica's pussy. I could actually hear her slurping Veronica's snatch, and Veronica was yelping like a dog.

Dark: What's that Veronica? Timmy fell down the well?

"You're eating my pussy so good Betty!" She said.

"I love to eat your pussy. It tastes so good." Betty said.

"Make me get off" Veronica said.

I'd never heard anything so hot in my life.

Dark: If bland, trite, and robotic is your thing, I guess...

Dark: If these girls were any more lifeless, this would be Weekend at Bernie's III.

Betty must have been a hell of a muff diver, because Veronica was squirming all over the place. She was pinching her little pink nipples and screaming. I couldn't see her face around her tits, but I bet it was red.

Dark: What did this chick use for implants — beach balls?

Then Veroinica started cumming and screamed. "I'm CUMMMIIIINNNGGGG!!!" It was so loud that it could have woke the dead. Veronica kept cumming and trying to push Betty away from her pussy, but Betty was having too much fun I guess. She just kept on slurping and sucking Veronica's pussy.

Dark: Anybody else getting the image of a toothless uncle eating watermelon at the family reunion?

She finally got up and she had pussy juice all over her face.

"Oh my God!!! I cummed so much!!!" Veronica said.

"I know. Now it is your turn to make me cum. My pussy is so wet." Betty said.

Betty kissed Veronica and Veronica started licking her pussy juice off Betty's face. "I am so glad we started eating each other at summer camp." Veronica said.

Dark: Who ran that campground — the Donner Party?

"Me too. Suck on my titties." Betty said.

I was seriously thinking about jerking off at that point. I was pretty close to them and just hiding behind the tree though. I didn't want to get caught beating my meat. I had some major blue balls.

Betty stuck her tits in Veronica's face and she started sucking them. I couldn't believe that I was watching two hot girls get it on. Then Veronica dived into Betty's bush.

Dark: *lifts his shotgun* Nothing. *Sigh* I was hoping for a covey of quail.

"Tee hee your pubes tickle." Veronica said.

Dark: Tee hee? Pubes? Tickle? Somebody had been out in the sun way too long when he wrote that.

Betty didn't say anything back. She grabbed Veronica's face and stuck it back in her pussy.

Dark: Her whole face? Holy Grand Canyon, Batman!

Veronica latched onto her pussy and started sucking like crazy.

Dark: Sounds about as sexy as a tick.

Dark: Speaking of which, I think I'm developing one from reading this thing.

Betty came un-fucking-glued. She was squishing her big fucking tits

Dark: Betty, fix your boobs. You look like a bleedin' Picasso!

and shoving her hairy cunt into Veronica's face. "Suck my pussy!! Yesssssssssssssss!" Betty screamed.

Dark: Better check Betty for leaks. All that hissing sounds like she may have popped a seam.

Veronica started finger fucking Betty too. That just made her scream even louder.

"I'm going to cum! Finger my pussy faster!! YES I'M CUMMMMINNGGG!!!!" Betty screamed. Betty cummed just as hard as Veronica did and there was pussy juice dripping off Veronica's hand where she was finger banging Betty. My dick was so hard it was hurting.

Dark: Guest starring this week on Baywatch: Dick Hurting!

Veronica pulled her fingers out of Betty's slit and licked them like an ice cream cone.

Dark: Mr. Ice Cream Man, this tastes fishy!

Betty was still moaning and cumming. "Does my pussy taste good?" Betty said.

"Yes it tastes great. I wanted to eat you so bad." Veronica said.

"Me too. I'm glad nobody was out here so we could lick each other and nobody would find out we are lesbians." Betty said.

Dark: Verily thou hast demonstrated thief-like stealth in thy... screaming at the top of thy lungs?

When I heard that, it gave me an idea. Before I could chicken out, I walked out from behind the tree. Betty and Veronica screamed and tried to cover their tits and pussies up with their clothes, but their tits were so big that I could still see them.

"What are you doing here?" Veronica said.

"Watching you eat each other's pussies." I said.

"We were not." Betty said.

"Yes you were. I watched the whole time." I said.

"Please don't tell anyone we're lesbians." Veronica said.

Dark: The intellect displayed in this conversation reminds me that fresh summer vegetables are now in season.

"Shhhhhhhhh!" Betty said.

"I won't tell anyone but you have to do something for me." I said.

I knew that they would do anything to keep me from telling people so I whipped out my 10 inch

Dark: *singing* Record of the band that plays the blues! Oh the band that plays the blues! She just loves my big ten inch — record of my favorite blues!


Dark: Well, excuse me!

"But we're lesbians. We don't like dick." Veronica said.

"Yeah we only like pussy. Dick is icky." Betty said.

Dark: Ugh. These girls are as annoying as Jar-Jar. Meesa no like the penis!

"I guess you don't want me to forget that I saw you eating each other out." I said.

Betty and Veronica were looking at my dick. They couldn't take their eyes off it. Veronica forgot that she was trying to cover her tits up because she was staring so hard.

Dark: Watch the wobbling weiner. You're getting hetero... Very hetero...

I grabbed my balls and walked over to them with my dick swinging in the breeze.

Dark: Two balls on him and he swings? This guy knows nothing about baseball.

"If you don't want me to tell everyone that you are both lesbians then you are going to have to suck my dick."

"It is a lot bigger than my dildo." Veronica said.

"You're mean." Betty said.

"Come on you might like it." I said.

"We don't know how." Veronica said.

Veronica had got real close while she was talking and both of them put their tops down.

Dark: They're convertibles! Let's hope they don't have leather seats.

Veronica was even playing with her pussy a little.

"Lick it like an ice cream cone." I said.

"Like this?" Veronica said. She licked my dick and it bounced up when her tongue touched it. Then it slapped her in the forehead.

Dark: Geesh! Even his dick is... Well, a dick!

"Tee hee it jumps." Veronica said.

"That means I like it. Now lick it." I said.

Dark: *singing Devo* Lick it good! When a penis comes along, you must lick it! When I take out my schlong, you must lick it!

I never felt anything as good as Veronica licking my dick. She licked it all up and down and she was playing with her pussy more.

"You have to lick it too." I said.

"But I don't want to." Betty said.

"He will tell people if you don't." Veronica said.

Betty made a face and then licked my prick too. Now I had two hot lesbians slobbering on my knob. I grabbed Veronica's big boobs and squeezed them. She moaned and licked me faster.

Dark: This guy needs a good licking — but not this kind!

It felt great but I was ready to get sucked.

"Now suck on it." I said.

"I think it is too big to fit in my mouth." Veronica said.

Dark: Lest we forget that Captain Compensation is bringing such a big brat to this cookout.

"It will fit." I said.

Veronica opened her mouth real wide and sucked on my dickhead. She sucked like a vachum cleaner and I growled because it felt so good.

"Is that right?" Veronica said.

"Yeah you're sucking my dick good. Lick my balls while she sucks me Betty." I said.

Dark: Did he turn into a leprechaun there for a second? Aye, Lass! Suck me Betty!

"They are all wrinkly." Betty said.

"Do you want me to talk?" I said.

Dark: If I have a vote, I'd like all three of them to shut up.

Betty frowned at me but she started licking my sack. I've been sucked a lot

Dark: By mosquitos, maybe.

but nothing like those two going down on me. It was hot as hell because mine was the first dick they had ever sucked.

"Okay change places. Now I want you to suck me Betty." I said.

Dark: They're after his Lucky Charms again.

Betty didn't argue this time. She stopped licking my nads and sucked my dick as soon as Veronica took it out of her mouth. Betty was playing with her pussy now too. She sucked me until her mouth got tired from being open so wide, then Veronica sucked me again.

Dark: The sucking in the story pales in comparison to the sucking of the story.

I played with their boobs while they played with their pussies and sucked me. I couldn't believe it when they started taking all 10 inches of my dick and swallowing it. They took turns until I was read to bust a nut.

"I'm going to nut." I said.

"What?" Veronica said.

I pulled my schlong out of Betty's mouth and started jerking it. They had sucked me so good that I only had to do it a couple of times before I splooged all over them. Jizz got in their hair and all over their faces and tits. I cummed bucketloads and didn't think I was ever going to stop.

"Ewww!! It squirted on me!!" Betty said.

Dark: Squirted? Sounds more like a super-soaker filled with mayo to me.

Veronica tasted some that had got on her face.

"I like it. It tastes good." Veronica said.

"Lick it off Betty's titties." I said.

Betty looked like she was going to say something but she didn't when Veronica started licking her tits. She started moaning instead. Then after she licked it all up Veronica kissed her with a mouth full of cum.

"It does taste good." Betty said.

"Lick her tits too." I said.

Veronica laid down and Betty started licking up all my jizz off her tits. Veronica spread her legs and started playing with her pussy.

Dark Helmet: Why are you starting? You're always starting! Just play with it!

Watching it was making me drool

Dark: Now there's something I believe — this guy drooling.

so I decided to get me some of Veronica's bald twat.

Dark: Piss off, you bald twat! Go down on the next lift!

I got between her legs and got a good sniff of that hot pussy.

"What are you doing?" Veronica said.

"I'm going to show you how a man gets a pussy off." I said.

Dark: In this guy's case, it probably involves screaming upstairs to his mother that the cat is on his bed again.

Then I dived into her pussy.

Dark: Hope you brought a snorkel.

Veronica tasted great so I really went to town on her cunt. She was screaming and shoving it in my face as soon as I started licking. I ate her pussy like a champ while Betty sucked on her tits. It didn't take Veronica long to cum.

"YESSSS!!! I'M CUMMMMIIINGGGG!!!!" Veronica screamed.

Dark: Peeling a sunburn is more riveting than these sex scenes.

Pussy juice squirted out of her cunt because she cummed so hard.

"Did he eat your pussy good?" Betty said.

"Yes he ate my pussy so good! You should let him eat your pussy too!" Veronica said.

"Yeah bring that bush over here." I said.

Dark: Or I shall say Ni! unto you again!

Betty laid down and I got down in that hairy pussy. She tasted real good too and I'd never ate a hairy pussy before. It tickled but I liked it.

"You make my pussy feel so good." Betty said.

"She is going to cum." Veronica said.

Dark: It's been three seconds! The minuteman is definitely writing about his dream girls here.

Then Betty cummed. Her pussy squirted just like Veronica's did and she screamed but I couldn't hear what she said when she cummed. She squished my head between her legs and went crazy. It was one wild ride.

Dark: Sorry, your intellect must be at least this high to ride this ride. Why don't you go get in the bouncy castle instead?

When I finally got out there was pussy juice dripping from her pubes. She was breathing so hard that her big tits were bouncing.

Dark: Not the bouncy boobs — the bouncy castle.

Dark: What are these tits made of anyway? Flubber?

Veronica's mouth was wide open and she was staring at my dick because it was hard again.

Dark: Hate to disappoint you, but that's an inflate-a-date's only expression.

"It stood up again." Veronica said.

"Bet you want it in your pussy don't you?" I said.

Dark: "No, I was actually wondering if we could use it to play horseshoes."

"Its too big to go in my pussy." Veronica said.

"No it isn't. You'll like it." I said.

"You said we only had to suck it." Betty said.

"Yeah but she wants it. I bet you do to." I said.

Veronica was still staring at it. She licked her lips and I knew she wanted it.

Dark: Yes, view the mighty penis! You are drawn to it like a moth to the bug zapper!

I walked over to her on my knees and she laid down without taking her eyes off my dick.

"Are you sure it will fit?" Veronica said.

I nodded my head and stuck my dickhead against her pussy lips. They were already slippery with pussy juice when I slid my dick over them.

Dark: Everybody ready for a wild wet ride? Sliiiiiip! Slip and slide! From Wham-O-Bam-O-Thankyou-Ma'am-O!

Her pussy was really tight because she was a virgin and I couldn't get more than the head and part of my dick in at first.


"That is just because you're a virgin." I said.

Then I poked the rest of my dick in her and popped her cherry.

Dark: Something tells me this guy should be taking female anatomy in summer school instead of writing this.

She cried a little at first after I popped her but then she started to like it.

Dark: Pop the cherry and win a prize! Six to seven years in this case, most likely.

There is nothing like virgin pussy. The only thing better is virgin lesbian pussy.

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byDarkniciad© 4 comments/ 12857 views/ 3 favorites

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