Lucky Man Pt. 01

'And how will you quitting your job make anything right? It will just be another thing for me to feel guilty about. It's alright, I'm not blaming you, I'm not the man you married. The man you married would never settle for the security of having a wage. He would have found a way of working around the problem even if that meant setting up his own consultancy. He wouldn't have ended up like me. I don't blame you, I don't respect me either.'

'But I do love you and I do respect you. All the things you think of as negatives I see as positives. Yes you've changed, but you had a family to support. I wanted you to take the job at the college. I wanted a regular income. I wanted to be sure we could pay the mortgage at the end of the month. I'm sorry I never realised how much you hated the job. If you want to quit, that's fine by me. I can support us. Please John can't we leave all of this until I've got you back home. Give us some time it will all seem clearer then.'

She doesn't see that she is just digging herself deeper into a hole. There is an uneasy silence as Caroline continues to dab at her eyes with a tissue. It is me that breaks the silence.

'I have to get back my self respect, be the man I know I can be, just like you. I need to do that. I can't kid myself anymore. What I thought I had; the reason I used to accept the situation, is gone.'

'We can do that together. I can help you, like you helped me. I really will be the best wife.'

'You already have been, for more than twenty years. A better wife than I had a right to ask for, but that is over. You can't be part of the solution because you are part of the problem'

Now comes what I expect to be the final salvo.

'What am I going to tell the children?'

'Whatever you like. Tell them we grew apart, or I couldn't live with your work commitments. You could even tell them the truth. I'll go along with whatever you say as long as you don't make me the bad guy.'

That's it, it's over, there are no more arguments to bring up but she hits me with something I hadn't expected.

'What about Roger, does he get off scot free? He's ruined our lives, and he walks away without a scratch.'

'It takes two to tango Caroline.'

'I know that, but it was him that did all the chasing. I deserve what is happening, but you've done nothing to deserve this. You're sitting there acting calm, but I know this is breaking your heart. I hate myself for what I've done, but he doesn't care.'

So she's spoken to him today, well what did she expect; that he'd be grief stricken? I bet he tried to talk her into letting him come around tonight. That would explain why she is so disgusted.

'I don't know why I am so calm, maybe it's all the opiates they are pumping into me. You shouldn't worry about Dewey, he'll get his. By the end of tomorrow the inquiry will have started and once it does there will be several women ready to jump in with their allegations. Maureen from the college crèche is one of them. I tried to tell you about her two weeks ago but you were too tired sit and talk.'

Now she's sobbing her heart out, and all I can do is sit and watch. I'm torn between wanting to comfort her and thinking she deserves it.

'Dewey asked her out to dinner to discuss her funding needs. He got annoyed when she wanted to bring her husband.'

She realises what a fool she's been and what a worthless piece of shit Dewey is. She gets up and runs out of the room with tears streaming down her face. I sit and wait I know she will come back. It isn't over until she has won, or so she thinks.

She's back, the tear streaks are washed away as is all of her make up. Her eyes are still red and she looks ready to cry again at any moment.

'So you are going to report him. You know that it will reflect on me.'

'You'll be alright. Your committee won't want to lose you. I should know I found half of them for you. They know a good thing when they see it; the worst you'll get is a written warning. Dewey is a different matter. Seducing women whose organisations are dependant on him for funding? I think the council will take a very dim view of that. Cheapskate that he is, he probably did it all on expenses. When I give them the dates of the weekend conferences and the fundraising trips to London, I'm sure they'll look into it. If I'm right, that's fraud, he might go to gaol. I hope you were worth it.'

She's sits beside the bed, unable to control her crying.

'You could try to dig him out by denying everything.'

She's holding one hand out towards me shaking her head as she continues to cry. I'm calm unaffected by her outpouring of grief. She's grieving for what she must know has just died.

I wait for her to stop crying and eventually she does. She dries her eyes and tries to compose herself.

'So what happens now? If you're not coming home where will you go?'

'I'll stay here until I can cope on my own, then I'll find somewhere to live. I'll let you know where to find me; if you decide to sell the house you can send me my half'

'No I mean us, what happens to us?'

'Well the doctor reckons that clean breaks heal faster so perhaps you'd better leave now and not come back.'

'But I love you.'

'Then set me free'

Her head goes down and she swallows. For the first time in our life together she's given up; accepted defeat. She gets up, comes to the bed and kisses my cheek then turns and walks to the door. She wipes away a tear gives me a wave, and then she's gone.

It's not over, not yet, not for her. She'll be back to try again. The boys will be in to see me, and they'll put pressure on me to go home; to give her another chance. Who knows if they keep it up long enough they may even find out about the paralysis. It will make no difference. It's like a switch has flicked in my brain. For the first time I am top of my priority list. I don't need anyone's pity. With what is in my head I don't need legs. The college won't move my lab to the ground floor or a building with a lift. I can probably do a deal on severance. With severance and insurance payments I'll have some time to bring my skills up to date. Perhaps the doctor is right. I am a lucky man. Lucky to be alive, lucky to have found out when I've still got time to start again. I'm lucky to have the cash to tide me over until I get back up the ladder. Why then, do I feel so empty inside?