Magic Allie's Story

I never even paid that much attention to what Shane was doing except when Sarah and I talked. I noticed that Sarah and Shane didn't seem to want to be near each other unless there were other people around. Sarah still liked him, but his new attitude was starting to be unappealing for her, but she was hoping he would change. About the only time they got together was when someone else was there to act as a referee. With Sarah being my friend I got Bill to agree to double date with them as a favour to Sarah.

I don't know why, I was stupid I guess, and I never paid much attention to the fact that Shane seemed to spend more time talking to me than to Sarah when we got together. Double dating soon wore thin for Bill, because having another couple there all the time meant he couldn't talk to me as much as he wanted to. Eventually Bill had enough and told me he didn't want to double date when Shane was involved. I still went out with the them as a third wheel still hoping to help my friend with her boy troubles.

Looking back at things I should have realized Shane was subtly trying to get closer to me and was using the excuse of getting help with his relationship with Sarah to accomplish that. He talked me into meeting on the sly under the pretence of trying to get him and Sarah back together, so we started to meet every Wednesday evening. Around then Sarah went to stay with an aunt and I found out later Sarah and Shane had broken up. So when Shane and I met he was subtly putting the moves on me. I never thought he was that shifty but he was playing me, and without me realizing it the two of us were getting to be closer than just friends.

With the last year at school being so busy and with Bill and my hectic schedule of school, work and living a teens life the two of us were concentrating so hard on all that we never clued onto the fact our "magic" was slipping away.

Our last summer together came after I graduated. Unbeknownst to us it was going to be a very fateful summer. I was happy I found myself a job at a bank. Bill was working on one advanced summer class and he only needed two credits to have enough credits to graduate. Besides school, he also had that part time job which gave him more hours. Having that schedule, we couldn't get together as often as we wanted, and had to settle for phone calls and the weekends to be together.

All of our friends had graduated, except Shane, who never even came close. Bill told me he was back full time for summer school, along with his new loser group of friends. He had slipped so much in his attitude about school if he ever wanted to graduate; he was going to have to go back to regular school to redo his last year too.

So, Bill's eighteenth birthday came with me at his side and was celebrated with a nice party with friends and both our families. Having his birthday meant mine was coming up three months later. That was the big eighteenth for us, and we had been anxiously waiting for it. There were a lot of loving looks back and forth between us knowing our time was coming to consummate our relationship. Our parents knew about our promise to each other and we could see they were of a mixed opinion about that. On the one hand they knew we would get physical even if we weren't married, but on the other they knew that when we did do it we would both be adults and they had no real say in the matter.

By then, the "magic" had slipped away and seemed to be random at best. We never noticed it had all but disappeared, and we had to think about it before it made an appearance for us. I guess that's what happens when you take something for granted.

Two weeks before my birthday, I met with Shane again for our now regular Wednesday get together to talk about him and Sarah. That's when I made the biggest mistake in my life. Somehow Shane talked me into the back seat of his car. Things got out of control and I let him do things to me that I had promised to only let Bill do after my birthday.

At the time it was exciting and felt so good, but by the time I got home I knew I had done something wrong and felt like hell. When I went to bed that night all I could think about was, I've cheated on Bill. How could I have been so stupid? Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that night. Bill called the next day and we talked. I made up and excuse and that weekend when I reassured him that I was doing exactly what I said I was doing he accepted my story. I have never felt so bad about anything in my life. I was telling my boyfriend lies and hoping he would believe me and never find out about what I did.

For a week all I could do was kick myself in the ass. I came to the conclusion that my time with Shane was finished. Wednesday night Shane came to pick me up like normal. I was determined I was going to tell him not to bother me again.

I did tell him, but he somehow sweet talked me into having one last fling. Again it was exciting and fun but when it was over I felt so dirty.

5)Bill Runs Away. I'm Destroyed.

That all happened on the Wednesday before my Birthday party that Saturday. On Thursday and Friday Bill never called and when I called, his dad told me he was working late. Bill did call my mom Friday while I was at work, and told her he would be there for the party, although he would be a few hours late. At least I would see him then and we could plan our future.

During my party I sat by the window and every car that went by I was looking out the window hoping it was Bill. We held off opening presents until everyone got impatient and I had an aunt's present shoved into my hands and was told to start opening presents. I got all sorts of neat things and the last thing I got to open was a card from Bill.

I still remember that card. He remembered I had a thing for balloons and preferred them to even getting flowers. When I saw the front of the card it made me smile because on the face of the card it had some balloons surrounded by hearts. On each of the balloons there was a word and they gave a message. The message the words on the balloons said was, To a Very Special Person, On a Very Special Birthday.

The inside of the card had more balloons with smiley faces on them, and the printed message it had underneath the balloons read. "Happy birthday, I hope all your dreams and wishes for the future all come true on this your eighteenth."

Under that Bill had written something that had been crossed out and had been replaced by something he wrote in a heavy hand. I read, "It would have been nice to enjoy your birthday like we planed to do, but I guess you didn't want what I wanted. I may be young and inexperienced in romance but I did love you. I wish you had appreciated my love for you a lot more. I guess our past together and all our plans for the future meant nothing to you. I can't live with your betrayal. SO BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS I'LL BE GONE. ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH SHANE. GOOD BYE!"

To this day I vividly remember word for word my thoughts that I had just then. What...? This can't be happening. I felt the tears start to pour out of my eyes as I screamed. "NO, NO, NO"! I jumped up trying to feel him with the "magic" but there wasn't anything there. I then was crying out, "Oh god I can't feel him anymore. Where is he? No... He's really gone." I then ran broken hearted to my room and I slammed the door and locked it. I was crying out repeatedly, "No, no. He can't leave. What have I done? What have I done?"

The next thing I knew was my mom was there beside me and the door was broken. She was holding that card from Bill in her hands and was crying as she held me.

I don't remember a thing until a week later when my first thoughts were, "Bill somehow knows. He has left me. How did he find out? What do I do now? How can I survive without him? I have to talk with him, Boy have I ever screwed up! For the next five years I had those thoughts at least once a day.

Bill was gone, and there was nothing I could do. The bad part was no one knew where he was.

At the start of this dark time I couldn't function at all, and actually I don't remember much during that time. A councillor finally got me back on my feet enough that I could find another job and carry on with my life. I still thought about Bill everyday though, and realized I was still deeply in love with him. I knew no one else was ever going to take his place in my heart and I didn't want anyone to try. Whenever I thought about Bill being gone I got depressed because I had been the jack-ass to ruin what we had.

I finally moved into the city into my own apartment and literally became a recluse. On rare days I still saw a few friends, and Sarah, of all people, was the closest friend of mine. At least when some friends came over I only felt half empty, the rest of the time there was this big empty spot in my heart and nothing except a miracle was going to fill it.

Hope.

Five years after what I called end of my life day, I heard through the grapevine that Bill had suddenly came back to town. I was told he looked pretty rough, and had mostly lived on the streets in a city five hundred miles away. I guess he was going back to school to finally graduate, and once he did that, he had a job lined up.

I couldn't have been happier for him. He was finally back. I just had to figure out how I could meet him so I could get down on my knees and grovel, beg and plead to let me apologize to him. I was pretty sure he wouldn't want us to be a couple again, but if I could just lay my eyes on him now and again I would be the happiest girl on the planet.

One Sunday Mom stopped by to visit and told me her and my dad had been working at a wedding for one of Bill's friends the night before and Bill had been there. She told me Bill had no date and was a single and how happy he looked joking around with his friends. I guess Bill saw mom and came over to her and they hugged. The hug was no surprize for me because my parents and Bill had always got along. Hell before my fuck up he was part of our family, and my parents thought he was the son they always wanted, so mom hugging him would be something I could see them doing. Mom then told me that Bill was actually crying while they hugged. I guess I wasn't the only one that shed tears easily. They had then moved to an empty table and talked for about twenty minutes.

Mom told him about how after I had read that birthday card he left for me, I had a breakdown. Bill told mom he had been just about the same, except he was on his own, in a strange city, with no money, and had to survive even though he didn't want to.

Mom then told me that the two of them had talked some more about how Bill and I had hurt each other. Me by being with Shane, and him not talking to me face to face and running off. Bill admitted he should have talked to me then, even if it was just to break up, but now he was like me and didn't know how to go about even facing me because he was to scared to meet and talk with me.

Mom then put her arm around me and in a sombre voice said, "Bill also told me something that is going to hurt really bad when I tell you, but it's something I just have to tell you because if you ever find out from someone else it will really shatter you. I think I have to be the one to tell you this, because this information might set you back, I'm hoping I can soften the blow a bit if I am here to at least hug you until you finish crying."

When mom said that I was thinking, "What can be so serious? Why is this going to set me back? Just what did Bill tell her that would hurt me so much?" Then my mind went on a tangent wondering all sorts of weird thoughts like was he dying, or did he have another girlfriend, was he going away again etc. My mind seemed to have a million thoughts that went through my mind in just seconds. I admit I had been tearful for the last five or six years, and it was always caused when something would remind me of Bill, so mom then got her serious voice out and told me, "Bill informed me that he had even bought a diamond engagement ring and was going to give it to you after your eighteenth birthday party was over."

When I heard that I indeed need that hug from mom as I collapsed and my eyes again started their leaking. I remembered how I had done nothing but dream for the last two years Bill and I were together of him giving me a ring. I knew he was going to get me one some time or other, but by being stupid beyond belief my actions ruined all those dreams; and that just killed me.

Mom spent some time wiping the tears from my eyes and then told me something that I didn't know how to digest. She told me she had invited Bill over for Easter supper, and had hopes the two of us could spend some time and talk things through a bit.

Two shocks back to back. God, my mind was spinning after she told me that. What should I say to him? How should I apologize? Would he even talk to me? Is he still mad? Those were a few thoughts I had, and for two weeks I could hardly do my work or communicate with anyone. My mind was going in circles thinking about everything and having wishful thoughts hoping for the best.

Easter.

On Easter morning I sat in front of the mirror at my dresser. What I saw in front of me wasn't anything anyone would be inspired to look at for to long. Every time I tried to apply some makeup my hands were shaking so much the reflection never got any better. Thank god Sarah was there to keep me from going insane whenever I applied something and made a mess. I had never been so nervous about something in my life. Honestly I didn't know if I should shit in my drawers or toss my cookies.

I finally managed to get my face presentable and got dressed in a new dress. I hoped Bill would like seeing me in the dress. I drove to my parents and dropped Sarah off at her mom's place, and still managed to get there early. I tried to help a bit with the preparations but I was on pins and needles and wasn't thinking about what I was doing. More that once mom or dad would have to help me do something because my mind wasn't there. If I thought my mind had been in a lot of turmoil in the last two weeks, it was now into overdrive. I'm surprised I could even stand on two feet.

All the guests arrived and I was saddened when Bill's dad told us he didn't know for sure if Bill would come. Everyone sat in the front room and socialized and I sat in a corner trying not to show how nervous I was. The closer it got to the time to eat the more despondent I became. Yeah, I was scared beyond belief about seeing him again, but then again if he didn't come that meant he absolutely wanted nothing to do with me, and that would really, really hurt.

When we sat down to eat it was with a heavy heart. I sat near mom and there was an empty seat at the other end of the table. Every time I saw that empty seat the more depressed I got. I could hardly eat anything at all and was only picking at my plate because whenever I looked at that empty seat I knew for sure he didn't want anything to do with me. I was really down in the dumps and was thinking about excusing myself and going to my old room and have a good cry.

Suddenly I was bombarded by the "magic." I was so surprized I dropped my fork and knife with a clatter and had to cover my ears to try to block out the intense feelings that were rushing in. With the strength of the "magic" I knew Bill was close, and I started to panic because I didn't know what to do. I was actually scared to death to see him and turned to mom who had a puzzled look on her face from my sudden actions.

"Ma"... "Magic"... It's back. I can feel him... he... he's close, I can feel him." I then realized with the "magic" I could feel his fear of meeting me. I got worried and told mom, "Oh god, he's so anxious and afraid." I then sadly stated to mom in a shaky voice, "He's very afraid of something. It's me he's afraid of."

Everyone at the table then gasped and then there was total silence. I felt some hands gently grip my shoulders and knew I had felt those hands a million times in the past. Bill always had a certain touch and those hands on my shoulders left no question in my mind who's hands they were. In fear, my body went rigid and I heard Bill's voice as he said, "I'm here Allie, Happy Easter."

My mind thought, "Oh god, he actually came after all. He's here, what do I do now?" then my mind went absolutely blank. I did notice I was shaking all over and was hyperventilating and couldn't stop.

Bill bent down and softly whispered in my ear, "Allie... Calm down please." I felt him massaging my shoulders and when I had calmed down a bit he asked me to follow him.

I couldn't move, it was like I was cemented to the chair. My mind said move, but I couldn't. The only thing I could do was to start apologizing to him. "Oh... God I'm so sor..." was all I got out because he cut me off with a stern command of, "NO!" Then he softly said, "No talking yet please, just come with me."

I still couldn't move until he took my hand and pulled me out of my chair. I was terrified beyond belief and it must have shown on my face because the "magic" told me Bill felt sorry for me. I tried again to ask for his forgiveness but he firmly told me. "Allie no talking right now, this is not the time or place. Come with me."

He gave me a big smile and after a pause I let him lead me off. I desperately squeezed his hand and was holding back a bit as he led me along towards the basement stairs. If I thought I was scared shitless before, right then my feelings were in the stratosphere. As he led me down to the basement to that family room where we had spent so much time in the past, all I could think was, "He's here. Is he mad at me still? Will he yell at me? Why are we going to the basement? I can't believe I'm so scared of what he wants with me!"

Even with all those thoughts rushing through my head I could still hear a lot of animated murmuring going on in the dining room as Bill led me down the stairs.

We got to the bottom of the stairs and I tried to talk again, "You're finally here. I got to say how..." He interrupted me again by putting one finger on my lips and gently shushed me as he told me, "Talking right now won't be constructive, and we will probably say something that we shouldn't."

I could understand that because my mind and tongue were not in sync at all. All I could do was nod my head up and down in acceptance of that fact. He then said, "Dear, could we just sit and reconnect a bit before we do the weighty stuff?"

My knees almost buckled when he said that, and I thought, "Oh my fucking god, he just called me dear. That is something I never in a million years expected him to say to me." We went to the loveseat we used to cuddle up on and sat down.

He reminded me. "There is to be no talking just yet. Right now we'll just close our eyes, and seeing how the "magic" is back we'll let it say everything for us."

I actually felt relief that we were going to just sit. The way my mind was spinning I was sure to mess up my apology to him and sitting with him might calm me down some.

I don't know if it was his hands shaking or mine, but we held each others hands as we sat and faced each other. Shaking hands or not there was no way that I was going to let go of those hands. We then closed our eyes and let the emotions loose. The "magic" was sure working overtime as I was completely overwhelmed by the intense ride of emotions from him. For a while it was a never ending circle of feelings between the two of us. We found that when one of us felt a feeling from the other, we naturally had our own reactions about that which the other could feel, and then it was on to the next emotion. I was getting drained from just that, and I'm sure he was feeling the same way from all my emotions that were assailing him.

When we first closed our eyes all I felt from him was lots of fear, with plenty of nervousness, anxiety and a few times, almost panic. I don't know what he felt from me but I felt him jerk a few times. At least he was still holding my hands. It took twenty minutes before we settled down to less frantic emotions like apprehension, relief, hope, and then finally followed by calmness, with just a bit of anxiety.