Majgen Ch. 010

After sitting still for forty minutes his bladder gave him an honest excuse to escape the room swiftly. He was thankful for not having to lie to make a departure too rapid to make prolonged explanations or good-byes to these people, whom he did not know well. He was not comfortable lying, not even about inessential matters, and he was not versed in keeping sentences brief and concise.

After relieving himself he went to the sink to wash his hands.

'Four times rinse and repeat,' he thought while applying soap and rinsing it off again with water, several times in a row. He considered himself an idiot for washing his hands three times more than needed, his hands just still felt dirty if he didn't and he hated that feeling.

His mind went back to the mentarion in the corridor.

'I should have asked her anyway. Since she wasn't retarded after all she would have been even more well-equipped to answer my question. Though it'd be more intimidating to hear the reply from a fully sensible person wouldn't it, Fral?' he asked himself.

"It doesn't matter if the answer would be more or less frightening! To uninvited approach a mentarion and request empathic services is against the law," Fral informed his reflection in the mirror. He sighed and grabbed a clean towel from the towel holder to wipe his hands.

"Otherwise they wouldn't be able to walk in public without getting jumped by hordes of unassigned patients. One in eighty million, doesn't give me good odds to ever even meet a mentarion again." He put the towel in the bin marked dirty towels and left the toilet.

"Oh crap!" he exclaimed after walking a few steps and thought,'I did break that law already, I asked her an empathic question.'

He swallowed nervously.

'Or maybe my question didn't quite pass the line marked by law, after all it could be interpreted in a non-empathic manner, couldn't it? She said she didn't understand what I meant.' He kept walking aimlessly while contemplating his meeting with the empath.

'Actually it was very rude of me to just leave like that, whether it was legal to ask or not, it wasn't polite of me to leave without answering her question. She must be gone by now this is a non-empathic clinique, she must have come with the visiting Ottearon, whom people has mentioned, even if she isn't the Tenth Ranked Retard rumour claims he has brought with him on past visits.' Fral stopped walking and stood still a few seconds.

'I guess it won't hurt to look. At least then I can tell myself I tried.' He resumed his walking, this time with a well defined destination in mind.

Majgen was still in the hallway, as ordered by Weissme, she had not moved from her spot next to the door. People had walked past her on several occasions, but only that single person had addressed her since Ottearon Weissme had left.

She heard footsteps again, as Fral approached her tentatively. He was tempted to just continue walking when he reached her, but he hung on to his decision to apologise long enough to stop his feet.

"Hi," he said.

The student mentarion once again raised her head to face him.

"Greetings, Sir."

"I wanted to apologise for..." He had forgotten how he had planned to phrase his excuse and found himself unable to finish the sentence. "Ah... eh... you see..."

This time Majgen entered the non-empathic man's mind, to see what he wanted of her.

"I understand, Sir, you do not need to apologise to me, I am merely a lowly student, Sir." The humility of her words, tone and posture caught Fral by surprise.

"Uh... Ok... I'll get going then... see you... I mean... I probably won't see you again... Not that I would mind it's just..." Fral took a deep breath to make himself stop talking, then he exhaled and took another breath to figure out how to make his escape politely.

"eh... Well then... Greetings... I mean... Good-bye."

"Good-bye, Sir," Majgen gave the man a small version of a polite mentarion bow, she felt a deeper bow would increase his discomfort rather than relieve it. Fral tried to imitate her bow and then moved to walk away.

Majgen watched him walk a few paces, then she called out to him.

"Sir."

Fral stopped in his track and turned to face her, her eyes were intense as they sought his. She took a second to sense him more fully to feel more assured that she wished to say what she thought of saying.

"I am looking into your mind now, Sir." Her words made Fral feel like his heart stopped beating for several seconds, just to begin again pounding with a vengeance.

"Ah... Ok," he said not sure if he wanted to walk back to her or run away with the speed of terror.

"I understand now, Sir, that previously you wanted to ask me whether or not you are a bad person. Sir, I am not the one you should be asking that question."

"Oh... Ok," Fral replied, while his heart sank with disappointment, he forgot his fear and only remembered his previous hope for answers.

'More cliché gibble-gobble, I've heard it all before. Accept yourself, be your own judge, understand yourself, somehow I really expected more of a mentarion.' He turned round to walk away, his stomach heavy with the anti-climax he had just experienced.

"Sir." Her voice stopped him and made him turn enough to be able to see her through the corner of his eye.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"I won't tell you if you are a good or a bad person."

"Ok." He had expected another phrase like that. He turned his head forward again, to resume his departure from the mentarion's view.

"But I can show you what I sense."

Fral froze with one foot still raised to take a step, a second later he lowered his foot. He still had his back to Majgen when he asked her:

"What do you mean?"

"I can show you everything I see in your mind, Sir." Her voice was kind, her words were meant as an offer, she would not try to push him.

"What do you see in my mind?"

"I will not try to reduce what I see into words, Sir. My offer stands, whether you want to accept it or not is your choice, Sir. I will not try to force my knowledge upon you."

Fral turned to face the mentarion again.

"Would you show me something I don't already know?" he asked.

"Your mind is you, Sir, all that would be new to you, Sir, would be how I feel about what I see."

"Would you show me what you feel about me?" Fral's inadequacy with phrasing his sentences was absent when he spoke so directly.

"Only if you ask me to, Sir."

"I want you to. I... uh... I ask you to!" he said while walking back to Majgen. He stopped two steps from her, a normal distance for social conversations.

"Please step closer, Sir. It is customary for mind sharing."

Fral move a bit closer. When he stopped a single step from her, Majgen raised her arm and reached it towards him, to demonstrate that she could barely touch him still, then made a waving motion with her hand to urge him closer. The non-empathic man understood and moved to stand as close as he could get without their bodies touching.

Majgen had to crane her neck back to look into the face of the taller man.

'Sometimes I'd wish I wasn't so short,' she thought to herself while lifting her hands to the man's cheeks.

She sensed anxiety growing in the man as her hands slid gently along his cheeks on their travel towards his ears.

'Do not fear, this will not hurt, I will not hurt you.' Majgen transmitted her emotions to the man without filtering, very unlike what a graduated mentarion engaged in a therapeutic measure would.

" 'I am not a therapist, what I can show you is only how I feel when I look into your mind, nothing more, nothing less,' " she said and thought while transmitting the full of her current emotions to him. She could do that without breaking any confidentiality, because in that moment she was only thinking about him.

She sensed how he understood and accepted her words and feelings.

'See, what I see,' Majgen's emotions translated to Fral while she expanded the empathic bond. Majgen did not try to avoid the mirror, she was aiming for mind sharing, not mind scanning.

'I feel warmly for you Sir/man/newly met stranger/person, I Majgen/Student/young have been in your mind only so briefly/short/momentarily. What I have seen/sensed/perceived/understood so far warms me. I do not understand/comprehend where your insecurity/doubt/fear stems from. Shall we go search? Together?' she shared her emotions with Fral she did not try to word her questions, emotions translated empathically, words did not.

'Afraid,' Fral's immediate emotional response was clear,'you like me now, you will stop liking me if you see it all. It will hurt me.'

'Trust me! please trust me,' was Majgen's counter-response,'I have seen...' Fral couldn't fully grasp what Majgen had sensed other than she was referring to past experiences not related to him. Majgen was fully aware of his confusion but would not share such memories with him, for matters of confidentiality of the minds of others she had scanned.

'You desire answers/knowledge/truth. Let me help you find that.'

'Yes. No. I fear. Yes. No. Help me, I don't want to hurt anymore,' Fral's emotions were changing like the swinging of a rapid pendulum,'Look without me, if you see bad, just don't tell me, let me live in ignorance.'

" 'Ok,' " Majgen thought and said, then she stopped transmitting to Fral to go look in his mind alone.

Fral felt very alone when no longer able to sense the mentarion's emotions. Alone and scared.

'What is she looking at?' he asked himself,'The day I dumped my childhood crush because she was too fat and ugly for my friends? The day I stole half my mums savings to act like a wealthy prince on a class excursion? The young lady I had sex with when I was thirty-five, she was so drunk she couldn't recognise me the next morning. I have done so many bad things, she could be looking at any one of them.'

Majgen scanned him a while, she sank so deep into his memories that for a while she didn't sense his current emotions. When she surfaced again she spoke to him.

"Are you ready to see what I see now?"

"Do you still like me?" Fral countered her question.

"For many people a time comes eventually, where they have to decide if they wish to live like cowards or like humans. I think that time might have come for you, Sir."

'Evil grief, what nightmare has she found inside me?' Fral thought, he could not decipher the words and tone of the young mentarion. Majgen made an effort not to reveal her emotions through her body-language.

'He has to be prepared, I love him already but that is no guarantee that he will love himself. I believe he has put his life on hold for too long. It is time for him to understand who he is so he can choose to accept or disapprove. To truly resume his life or to change that which he dislikes so that he can live with who he is. I hope he will choose life.' Majgen felt Fral making up his decision regarding desire for knowledge and fear of same, but she did not act until he spoke.

"Show me, show me everything." He sounded like a man who had spoken a verdict over himself but he also spoke with vigour, his mind was set. Majgen transmitted to him again, she dragged both of them into his mind.

'See what I see, feel what I feel, see why I feel,' Majgen's emotions sang this meaning to Fral wordlessly. He listened, he saw and he felt. He saw himself from the eyes of a person who had seen the minds of many people. He saw nothing of the other people Majgen had scanned, but he sensed the understanding her past knowledge added to what she saw. The experience was overwhelming, at times it made him forget it was himself he was watching.

'You are beautiful/glorious/loveable, Fral/Sir/man who are no longer a stranger, can't you see it? Look! Feel!' Majgen's care whispered and yelled to him.

'I see, I feel, show me more! Stay with me, I couldn't see what you see.'

'Look, here, see this,' Majgen pulled him to memories of incidents he had not thought about for years,'This is you too.'

'I had forgotten, is that really me?'

'It is still part of you, look!'

'Do you really care for me, or are you playing with me.'

'You are with me, feel me, I could not lie the way we are now. Intwined.'

'I feel it, it's true.'

'Look.'

Words could never describe the full being of a person. The diversities of a single personality and the immense sum of moments in even a young life. Ultimately words were logical. As little as emotions could truly understand and comprehend logic; equally weak would logic be to describe emotions.

For Fral to directly feel another persons emotions was a new dimension in itself, but Majgen went beyond that, she showed him a whole new universe within himself. She showed him who he was seen with her eyes. She showed him, who he had been just before he met her and he saw the person he had known he was, and yet he had not known. It was old and it was new.

It was him, but it was him seen through her mind. Of course Majgen could not see every moment of his life in such a short time, and neither could she see every side of his personality at once. But she clearly saw an essence of his being and what she saw she showed him.

What she did was not similar to any mentarion technique, it was far simpler and far more vivid than any known technique. Majgen was not aware how unique her approach was and Fral who knew nothing of mentarion ways had no clue that what she did was unusual.

'I understand now!' Fral felt,'Look Mentarion! see! feel!' His emotions directed Majgen on where to take them, now it was Fral who was guiding her, to show her what he saw.

'I see! I feel!' Majgen rejoiced,'You are seeing yourself, Fral/Sir/'man who shows me', you are seeing for yourself!'

'Yes, I see, I finally see!'

'I will miss you, Fral/Sir/'man whom I met today'.' There was a tint of sadness in Majgen's emotional good-bye as she slowly withdrew from Fral's mind. For her it had also been a unique experience, she had scanned non-empaths uncountable times in the last five months, but she had never entwined mentally with anyone before like that. Neither empath, nor non-empath.

Fral rejoice was too jubilant for him to notice his own feelings of loneliness upon her leaving his mind. Also he had been too distracted by the revelation, which Majgen had woken in him, to notice her sadness.

'She has left my mind and I can still see myself!' his thoughts and emotions cheered,'I am me and I am ok.' Fral's eyes were closed and he had a happy smile on his face. He stood still a while, remembering and feeling. Majgen took her hands off his ears and leaned herself against the wall behind her to give him space to be with himself.

'Ottearon Weissme might use this as an excuse to punish me further, mind sharing isn't more than a student is allowed to with a willing partner. However, this man considered what I did to be therapy, in spite of my words to the contrary.' Majgen took a deep breath.

'I am glad I did it, I am happy I could help him.'

Fral opened his eyes, for a moment his eyes were distantly looking into the wall. Since he was gazing straight ahead the aim of his vision was a bit above Majgen's head until he lowered his eyes to look at the young woman's face.

'She appears so small physically, I would never have guessed what treasure of a soul that body holds,' he thought to himself. Majgen had long left his mind, so she didn't perceive this thought.

Joy and relief still bubbled in Fral and a wave of gratitude towards the small mentarion washed over him. He stepped forward and hugged her to him in a tight embrace. Majgen immediately tensed with disapproval of the physical contact, she had not experienced positive physical contact for years. Her whole body went rigid with her arms still down her sides and for a moment her breathing stopped.

Once Majgen got past her initial surprise, she resumed breathing. But she remained rigid expecting the man to notice and let go off her. Fral, however, was too lost in happiness to notice. He would have been surprised to learn that the empath who had displayed such emotional warmth towards him did not want to be hugged by him.

Fral would never have guessed that the emotionally compassionate girl was afraid of physical contact.

"Thank you for loving me," he said into her ear. For a moment Majgen remained still and rigid, but then her arms rose to reach around Fral and she returned his hug.

"It was an honour, Sir."

"Fral, my name is Fral."

"It was an honour, Fral."

The hug no longer felt intimidating in itself, but it woke a longing in her, a yearning for friendship and warmth. She was sure that Ottearon Weissme would not allow her to retain a friendship at this time, he normally never let her out of his sight. After having been with Weissme for five months she was familiar with every one of his reasons for considering her a threat to the political stability of the mentarion sub-society within the human nation.

"We must part, Fral, it is time for you to resume your life and I have duties I must adhere to."

"Ok." Fral hugged her tighter a moment and said, "Thank you."

"Thank you too, Fral. Thank you too."

He lowered his arms and stepped back.

"Good-bye, Fral," Majgen said, it took a severe effort on her part to not let her sadness show.

Tears pressed behind her eyes, but she managed to keep them exactly long enough for Fral to say, "Good-bye," and turn his back on her to leave. Majgen felt the first tears running down her cheeks as she watched him take the first steps away from her, down the hall. She knew she ought to wipe them off and pull her hood up to hide her emotional state, but she had not the energy for it.

Fral stopped walking after a few steps. Majgen feared and hoped that he would turn round to face her again, she knew he would try to comfort her if he realised she was sad and she longed for comfort.

"What is your name?" he asked. Majgen cleared her throat to be able to answer without her voice shaking.

"I am Tenth Ranked Student Majgen Rahan."

"Good-bye, Majgen Rahan, I will never forget you," he said and started walking again.

Majgen had to clasp her hand to her mouth and nose to avoid sobbing audibly. She had to stop all air passage to her throat to prevent sound from coming out, because she couldn't stop the emotional cramping of her chest.

The desire to let her misery be heard by Fral was strong, but her determination to not let her personal peril trouble him was stronger.

Un-breathing, she watched his back as he disappeared down the hallway. Her lungs were screaming for air but she didn't move her hand from her mouth and nose until Fral was safely inside the elevator.

As soon as the doors closed behind Fral, Majgen took her hand off her face and breathed in violently. For a few moments her body's demand for oxygen was all she could feel, but soon her body was supplied with air to a degree that allowed her to feel other emotions.

Her loneliness struck her like a whiplash and seared through her. She leaned on the wall and sank to the floor with a small wailing sound. She curled into a sitting ball and tried to lessen the sound of her sobs and gasps against her arms. Her uniform had several tear wet spots before she gained control of herself to the degree that allowed her to once again summon an appearance of mentarion dignity.

By the time she stood on her feet again, on her assigned spot next to the door, her depression had returned with a vengeance.

A bit more than an hour later Weissme returned to fetch her, he noticed no change in her. He didn't realise she had had a profound experience, not even when she dutifully revealed having mind-shared with a non-empathic person.