Making an Honest Woman Ch. 03

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"Well, now you have withdrawn it-your love, I mean. She cannot any longer use it against you. How does it feel?"

"It feels right," I said. "She wasn't worthy of it. She didn't deserve it. She took advantage of it."

"I mean," she said, "how does it feel when you look at how your wife has responded to your rejection of her?"

"I feel sorry for her," I said. "But then, I remember what she did to me, and I get angry again. I don't know . . . I feel guilty for making her suffer, but she deserves to suffer. She hurt me, and part of me enjoys hurting her, and the divorce is a way to do that."

"So, you are getting a divorce to hurt your wife?"

"No! I'm getting a divorce because my wife is a cheating slut who didn't love me enough to keep her legs closed!" I was angry now.

"She should have loved you more, then?"

"She should have stayed faithful to me! That was the deal! She knew it, and either she didn't care, or she lacked the strength of character to live up to her promise."

"So, she deserves to be punished for her failure in her duty to you?"

"Yes! All right? Yes," I said. "She deserves to be punished. And I deserve to be free of her. Maybe the divorce is a kind of revenge, but it's also the only way I can rid myself of her. If I stay with her, she's only going to hurt me again."

"You would prefer a wife who didn't have the power to hurt you?"

"I would prefer a wife who cared enough not to hurt me."

"But the lies were entirely designed not to hurt you," she said. "If she had wanted to hurt you, she would not have tried to prevent you from knowing."

"Whose side are you on?" I asked. I was really bewildered at the way this was going.

"I am on your side," she said. "Which means I want for you to see clearly your reasons for what you are doing. It doesn't matter to me whether you divorce your wife. But it will matter to you, and I want for you to be sure that you understand exactly what you are doing, and why you are doing it."

"You think I'm making a mistake?" I asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I know that you are angry with her. I believe that she abused your trust, and that is a serious offense. What I don't know is whether you want to divorce her because that is what will improve your life, or whether it is what you think you are obliged to do, under the circumstances. And I think that you should be able to answer that question before you take action."

"What if it's both?"

"If it's both," she said, "it's not likely to be both in equal measure. You owe it to yourself to figure out what really is the driving force behind such a major step. A step that, I might add, involves the futures of your daughters, as well as your own."

"I won't stand for the cheating and the lying," I said. "My life would better be lived alone than with

someone who, every time she's late home from work, or has an impromptu meeting on a Saturday, causes me to worry she's with another man."

"Do you think you will remarry?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said. "I hope so. I don't feel that I'm too old to start again. I liked being married, up to now. I can be alone, and there are times when I prefer to be, but I would miss not ever having someone to love. Of course, a lot depends on the girls. I'd have to find someone who could love them, too, and who they could love. It seems like a lot to ask for: an honest woman, who's attracted to me, and to whom I'm attracted, and who can handle a couple of adolescent kids."

"I think there are enough women out there who may fit that description," she said. "You will need to be careful, but you don't strike me as the sort of man who makes hasty decisions."

"I try not to be," I smiled. "At any rate, I don't see myself getting started before the divorce is final."

"Do you think your wife's infidelity has undermined your confidence in your ability to please a woman?"

"Well," I said, "it has reminded me that I look, act, and dress like a middle-aged academic, which I gather is not what most women are looking for in a mate. But I'm working on that. I've started losing weight, and I've joined a gym. If I get serious about dating, I guess I'll get some new clothes."

"You're not an unattractive man." It was her turn to smile. "And a woman your age, who's interested in finding a mate, and not in having an affair, might well prefer a man who looks and acts his age, rather than a man who obviously spends a lot of time worrying about his appearance."

"So, you're saying, don't try too hard?"

"I'm saying, be yourself. By all means, lose the weight, and stay fit; that's just good common sense." She added, "But you avoided the question: are you worried about performing with a new partner?"

"What man my age, if he's honest, wouldn't be at least a little worried about that? But I do believe Ellen meant it when she told me that the reason for the other men wasn't my . . . inadequacy as a lover. I think-I hope, that with a woman I really like, and who really likes me, I'll be okay. Another reason, if I needed one, to avoid trying to pick up someone in a bar for a one-night stand."

That afternoon Ellen texted me to say that she wanted to talk, and would I please stay for dinner. The girls were happy.

While Sophie was doing homework, I asked Alyssa to join me in the office.

"How are you and your Mom getting along?" I asked.

"Not great," she admitted. "I know it's my fault, but I'm just so angry at her. How could she do this to you? To us? You've been so good to her. My other friends' dads, all they do is work, and they expect their wives to take care of everything, and wait on them when they come home. You're the best father I know, and you're a better mother than most. You cook, you clean, you stay with us, while she . . . while she-" Alyssa was crying now.

"Look, I'm going to share with you something the marriage counselor told me," I said. "Yes, your mother had an affair, and yes, she knew it was wrong. But she-the counselor-thinks that maybe the affair was a reaction to something that was going on inside her. Hmm. Remember when you had that case of hives, a couple of years ago, and we didn't know why, and you were scratching till you bled, and we had to practically bathe you in antibiotic ointment, and we told you not to scratch, and you tried not to, but it itched, and you still did?"

"Yeah?"

"Without trying to minimize what she did, the theory is that, for her, the affair was like scratching: she knew she wasn't supposed to do it, she knew the damage that it could do, but it was too hard not to."

Alyssa didn't look convinced. "So, if you buy that, then why are you divorcing her?"

"It's different for me than for you. But, first of all, thinking of it this way is helping me to forgive her, and if I can, then you can, too. Anyway, the damage she did was to our marriage. I know that affects you, but not as directly. She won't admit it, but I believe that cheating on me and getting away with it eroded some of her respect for me, and finding out about it definitely eroded a lot of my respect for her. But that's between the two of us."

"Well, it sure eroded my respect for her," said Alyssa.

"I know," I said. "Although it's still different for you, since it's pretty much required for you, as a teenager, to lose respect for your parents; it happens to all of us. You get most of it back before you turn 30, unless they really never deserved it."

"I still respect you," she said.

"You're only 14," I replied. "Wait till you start bringing boys home. You're going to see a side of me that I'm afraid you won't like."

"Then I just won't bring them home until I'm older," she said, smiling. The smile faded, and she asked, "But can't the two of you work to restore the respect?"

"We might be able to," I told her, "except that I suspect what's causing her itch-her case of marital hives, etiology unknown-has to do with me. If we remove the allergen, then the reaction subsides."

"What's etiology?" I do what I can to improve my children's vocabularies.

"It's a medical term for what causes a disease or medical problem."

"What if you aren't the cause?"

"Let's look at the problem," I said. "An affair is essentially a statement of dissatisfaction with the marriage, or at least a part of it. She's married to me. It just makes sense to assume that I have something to do with it."

"I don't know," she said, still not convinced.

"Well, think about it," I told her. "She's your mother, and she loves you, and she will need you more than ever. And you love her, and need her, too. You don't have to ignore what she did, but you don't have to punish her for it. I know you can see that she's suffering."

"Yeah, okay."

"Good girl."

"But I still want to live with you," she said.

"I don't see how, right now," I said. "My apartment only has one bedroom. But I'm looking for a place that will have room for you and Sophie. When I find one, I'll want you both to come live with me, at least part of the time."

"I don't want to lose you," she said, and I could see she was about to cry again. So was I.

"I swear to you that you will never lose me. Nothing matters as much to me as you and your sister, and I will always be here for you. If you need me, and I'm not nearby, just give me a call, and whatever I'm doing, I'll come running."

"You better," she said, sniffling, but apparently reassured.

With Alyssa's and Sophie's help, I'd made rigatoni with sausage and broccoli rabe, in a white bean sauce. I opened a bottle of Soave for Ellen and me as I heard her car pull into the driveway.

She greeted me a bit shyly; I smiled at her, but we kept our distance from one another.

"I know it's selfish of me," she said, "but I really miss your cooking."

"I've missed cooking for you all," I replied. I think we were all happy to be together, and sad to know that this part of our lives would be coming to an end, soon.

After dinner and cleanup, Ellen and I sat in the kitchen with freshly refilled glasses of wine.

"I've been thinking," she said, "and you should be the one to stay here with the girls. I should be the one to move out."

That caught me by surprise. "Why?" I asked.

"I've said I'm sorry," she said, "both to you and to the girls. But I need to do more. I need to atone. And besides, this will make Alyssa happy. Maybe she'll see that I am trying. Right now it looks to her like I cheated on you and drove you out of your home. And if I'm not around as much, she might even begin to miss me, just a little."

"Wow," I said. "I don't know what to say. Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replied. "I've been thinking about it since our meeting with the child psychologist. It makes sense."

"Where will you go?"

"Well," she began uncertainly, "I was thinking, maybe we could just swap places? Can I move in to the apartment at the university? Would it be against the rules?"

"I don't think so, as long as we're still married," I said. "Besides, I don't think anyone would notice, or care if they did. I haven't been there long enough to meet the neighbors. Yeah, it could work. We'll need to get you a campus parking permit, but I can take care of that easily."

"One condition," she said. "I get to come for dinner with you and the girls. I still need to see them a little bit, every day."

"Of course," I said. "I would never try to keep you apart from them."

"I knew you'd agree," she said, "but thank you. And I warn you: I haven't given up on winning you back-"

I started to object, but she cut me off.

"-I know, I know. And I promise, no tricks, no attempts to seduce you. That's why I told you now, so it's all above board. I'm just going to give you a chance to remember how much better we are together, rather than apart. I won't try to stop the divorce, or slow it down. I'm betting, though, that as your anger cools, you'll see that you still love me, and that, in spite of my many flaws, you're better off with me than without me."

I said, "It was never about me not loving you."

"I know," she continued, "and I am still working with Dr. Drake, and I won't stop until I'm satisfied that whatever it was that led me to cheat on you, I've found it and fixed it. I'll be a new woman-an honest woman. Since you will have been the one responsible for the change, it would be a shame for you not to reap the benefits." She smiled. "But no more of that, for now. Maybe tomorrow you can take me to see the apartment."

I just nodded. It was a lot to consider. Was it possible that Ellen could be "cured" of whatever it was that she had? Even if it was, there would be no way that she could prove it. And would I want her then, whenever that might be? And, if I didn't, would it be because by then I didn't love her anymore, or because, even though I did, it was more important to me to continue to punish her? I didn't see this ending with us together again. I would tell Arlene to proceed with the divorce.

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AnonymousAnonymous2 months ago

Good story but cheapened by making her a total narcissistic slut. Keeping it with the one six week affair, whether divorce or reconciliation, would have made for even better reading imho. Of course it is author's story, but as soon as Bonnie comments about what she saw, it becomes much less nuanced and more straightforward. 4 stars. Clearly Ellen has mental issues.

bobareenobobareeno4 months ago

Rereading this, I am struck anew by the writer’s perception. People often don’t know what motivates them. To the comment made that the author is "flogging a dead horse,” the is not correct, the author is exploring the ramifications of the betrayal, and the reasons for it, all realistically and with real insight. 5 stars and more if they allowed it.

AnonymousAnonymous4 months ago

Interesting so far. The one issue I have is, how many men did she have sex with? She sounds like my ex-wife. She was a child abuse victim and could not stop herself getting involved with males and then thought she did little wrong. She divorced me for unreasonable behaviour as I could not handle it. (She and others actually gave me PTSD and the trigger for it was my wife.) I still have love for her but I will never be able to ever live with her again as there is zero trust. She is with someone else now and 'Good Luck To Him.'

AnonymousAnonymous6 months ago

It is actually well written. Thr husband is a thinking man. It isn't a RAAC, but just the possibility that it might be has some commenters having a bad allergic reaction. Chill out. They have two kids. He was on the knife's edge of divorcing her even before he learned of the second affair (and probably many more given her "little piece" of the puzzle slip). He was sutibaly pissed off and she appeared to be remorseful. Heck she probably is but she is also a consummate, pathological liar with mental issues. She is trying to atone, moving out so he can live with the girls, but in reality there is no future for them. He noticed something was wrong, got a PI, confronted her, except she lied (as easy as breathing for her by that point), and he moved out. They fought. He spent time with the kids and saw her at dinner. They saw a counselor. She played the counselor also. He got an apartment, saw a divorce attorney, and the two if them went back and forth. They had sex one night, semes to be getting better and he learned of the second affair. What is so wrong in what he did. He is a good father and a good person. The wife appears to actually love him (or thinks she does more likely), but obviously she doesn't respect him by this point and lies easily to get what she wants to scratch her itch. He has now lost all respect for her and will.nevwe trust her again. She is delusional about wining him back. That is on her. Total time has been like what six weeks or so since the confrontation? He used the PI report to burn her last lover. She really doesn't have an emotional connection with these guys because whatever is driving her to chest is not why a woman normally cheats (neglect, not being desired or paid attention, feeling unwanted or unloved) but more like why a man cheats (conquest, "she's hot", need a break from my marriage, fear of getting older). It isn't an excuse. And once he gets more info, he is just done with her. Again well written.

nixroxnixroxabout 1 year ago

2 stars - you are flogging a dead horse

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