Making Changes Ch. 02

A/N: Edited version of Chapter 2 - there is a little something at the end that's new - most of the rest of the changes are fairly small and for characterization development purposes.

* * * * *

Things are a little weird inside my head for a few days. It comes as an unpleasant shock to discover that I liked Alister right at the point it became moot. Sure, I've never had a relationship before, but I already know that kind of betrayal isn't going to wash with me -- I mean, I don't have that much I can have pride about, which may be why I'm so hell-bent on maintaining dignity, so I'm not going to let some guy walk all over my emotions and then expect me to just let it go.

He's tried to call and message a few times, but I've deleted everything as soon as it comes in, including Grindr -- not going back to that shit show.

It's helped that Mad and Tay have been here for me this weekend, dropping their other plans to be by my side, although, now, sitting on Mad's bed, I think I might shoot myself if she doesn't stop sending sad-eyes my way.

"Mad, sweetie, can you stop looking at me like my puppy just died."

Taylor lets out a guffaw.

"Babe, you really are. Stop it, you know Ry is too tough to let this bring him down for long," he turns to me. "You know what you need Ry?"

I shake my head, though I'm pretty certain I know where Tay's mind is heading, because it's where his mind always heads. For a guy who's only ever had sex with one person, he sure is thirsty, and he's probably more crushed than I am that this ended the way it did; he was inordinately proud of me for getting out there.

"You need to wash that man right out of your hair, with a new man."

"Taylor, I'm not sure that's a great idea. Ryan is fragile right now, maybe he should stay away from guys for a while. I don't think Grindr is a great idea."

"Not saying that. Ry, you have plenty of other options. I know at least four guys at school who'd love if you'd pay them some attention."

I sort of want to go off at Mad for calling me 'fragile' but Tay's words have me intrigued. Four guys? I only know of three gay guys who are even at school other than me, and two of them are in a relationship with each other.

"Taylor, I hope you're not trying to set me up with your straight jock buddies. You know how I feel about that, I'm not Robbie."

"Whoa," Mad holds her hands up, "I thought Robbie was your friend now, that was kinda mean."

It was? It was more a factual statement, I thought.

"I am friends with him, but he does go for straight guys -- and I don't."

Taylor shrugs and nods at Mad to confirm what I'm saying. When it comes down to what goes on with the jocks Tay's in a good position -- locker room talk is free and explicit and he's the kind of open book that people share stuff with, but I had no idea Mad wasn't aware of it, as I thought they told each other everything, and he's certainly revealed plenty to me in the past. I kinda know more about Robbie's sex life than I ever wanted to.

Mad is trying to work this out, "So, why does he spend so much time with Alex then, if he goes for straight guys?"

I don't know how to answer that. I mean, Robbie and Alex are hanging out a lot, but they still've never made anything overt about what their relationship entails, and I'm sure not going to ask them. Then my brain catches up with my ears.

"Er, hang on, what do you mean-? "

I'm interrupted by Mad, in full enthusiasm mode, "So, Taylor, who are all these guys that want a piece of our Ryan? You know we've got to vet them after the last one."

"Well, the only ones I know for sure are Hai, obviously- "

"My friend Hai?"

"You know any others?"

No, I don't, but I had no idea Hai swung the same way as me. Although he's so shy I can't be that surprised that he's flown under the radar.

"Anyway, I can't be fully sure about him. I'm basing that one just on the way he looks at you, but it's pretty damn obvious."

"Dude, you just said you were sure, and then that you're just guessing. Can't have it both ways. Are all your amazing options this flaky?"

"Nope, I did Hai first just because I haven't heard confirmation from his own mouth. The others, I know for sure, although I'm not sure I should tell you, you know the locker room confessional is sacred."

Mad throws a pillow at his face, even though he's clearly joking.

"Not to you," she screeches, "you tell me all sorts of stuff, there's no way you're holding out on us now."

There's distraction for a few minutes while Tay and Mad pseudo-wrestle on the other side of the bed. I try to ignore their slightly sickening foreplay by deleting a new message from Alister without reading it. Finally, they come up for air, red-faced and panting.

"Okay, okay, you win, I'll talk."

Taylor throws himself onto the couch in a bid to escape Mad. She does fight like a fucking mongoose, so I'm not surprised he needs a break.

"Okay, the first two aren't that exciting, cos I'm guessing you'll already know, but it's Charlie and Zack."

"Huh, no way - they're not into me, plus they're super into each other."

Charlie and Zack are the two guys who are together and have been since last year. I became pretty good friends with Zack when he joined the school at the beginning of the year -- he's a cute geek with big brown eyes and floppy hair and he'd had to leave his last school because he had such a hard time when he came out.

Miss Melthrop had seen that he was struggling at Lincoln too -- he's very sweet and just had no come-back when people gave him trouble. If you've ever met teenagers, you'll know that they descend like a pack of ravenous animals when they spot a weakness, and Miss M knew that I've never let the pack get into my head, so she asked me to sort of mentor him to help him toughen up.

I did a pretty good job of it, and you wouldn't recognize the Zack of today compared to what he was like then, though he still has a very squishy interior under the much more world-wise shell. Charlie, on the other hand, has always had a lot of spikes and was a total douche the whole of high school. I'm on the swim team with him, he's going to be the captain this year, and he gave me a lot of shit, which got even worse when Zack and I became friends.

To cut a long story very short, it turned out Charlie was a walking stereotype -- a sporty homophobe who was terrified of the fact that he was actually into guys. Once he got past that, he and Zack became serious quickly, and Charlie came out in a big way -- attacking other people's uncertainty the same way he attacks everything else; with overweening confidence. We're friends now, mainly because of Zack, although it is sometimes difficult to forget how awful he used to be.

"Yeah, they're into each other, but we had a team cook out last week and Charlie was there. Conversation got onto guys and girls and Jett asked Charlie if he was only into Zack or if he was just liked guys in general and Charlie just came out and said he was definitely fully gay, and that he and Zack had discussed how into you they both are, and that you were on both of their free lists."

"'Free lists'?" Mad's confused.

"You know, the list of people you have a free pass to fuck?"

I almost choke on the water I've just taken a swig of. Okay, so that's a thing then -- I had no idea, though I guess it is kind of a salve for my ego to have two cute guys into me after what happened with Alister.

"Oooh, sweet Ry. They're both so hot. You could have one this week and the other next week. That would be a great way to take your mind off of things."

Well, that's one way of putting it but I'm not sure how I'd feel about hooking up with Charlie and Zack -- with them being friends I'd hate it if things got weird, either between us or between them, especially if it was as some kind of fantasy fulfillment for them.

"Anyway," Mad hasn't forgotten Taylor's promise, "who's the last one you know for sure?"

Tay looks nervous, "I don't know about this one. 'Cause I don't think Charlie will care if you know about him, in fact I think he might had hoped that I'd tell you. But the last one is a biggy. It's someone who isn't out, and he told me in confidence because he was struggling with some stuff."

I'm content to let this go. I'm not here to force people out of the closet before they're ready and, to be honest, this conversation is making me feel a bit weird. I know I'll be trying to work out if Hai is looking at me differently, and I'm going to be reading into stuff Charlie and Zack say now, and I'm just not sure I'm happy with any of that. But Mad isn't having it.

"Tell us, now. You promised. And nothing will get to anyone from us, you know that."

Tay just blurts it out: "It's Jayden."

Mad and I both have our mouths open. That is not a name I would have guessed. Jayden is a cool guy, one of the few jocks I like, and he's always been nice to me -- in a very normal, guy-to-guy, not-at-all-into-me type of way.

I can't help a slight pang that Taylor's last name wasn't Alex. It had been in my mind when he started. Maybe, just maybe, Alex had said something. Taylor is notoriously good with people -- they talk to him, tell him things they wouldn't tell anyone else. Alex has given me no clue at all that he might like me that way, but even before things went south with Alister it was obvious to me I have a little something going for him. Maybe, even, that it was those feelings that stopped me opening up to Alister.

I know it seems like telling Tay secrets would be a bad idea, like he couldn't keep one to save his life, but in reality it's only me and Mad he tells these deep dark confidences to, and we don't tell anyone else. Regardless of the friendship I feel for the others, I still haven't betrayed the trust of any of the things Tay's told me.

But Jayden, huh? He's pretty damn hot -- not quite as built as Tay, but close -- six-four of broad, solid muscle, light brown skin, and golden-hazel eyes. And now my lust-life just got complicated. Because I could definitely be into Jayden, but in-the-closet counts as straight in my book and I steer well clear of straight.

With that in mind, I turn to Mad.

"Babe, what did you mean earlier, when you said you were surprised about Robbie and Alex if Robbie goes for straight guys?"

She looks confused for a minute, then remembers her thought, "Oh, nothing really, it's just a lot of the girls have been drooling all over him and he's not shown any interest, even in Shelly, and you know how pretty she is, and she's been throwing herself at him fairly hard, and with all the time he seems to spend with Robbie I figured there was something there. But if what you say is right it's probably just that he's having his needs fulfilled so isn't interested in a relationship."

Damn, no real elucidation there then.

* * * * *

At lunch the next day we're sitting in the cafeteria, when there's a disturbance over at the popular table. Mad and Taylor are standing close, whisper-fighting, while the others all stare at them wide-eyed. No one likes it when mom and dad fight. I can't hear what's being said, but I think they can over there, as there's a lot of nudges and undertones. Finally, Jayden stands and claps Taylor on the back.

"Buddy, just do it. We're going to be okay. You're allowed other friends you know."

Taylor bro-hugs him hard.

Cassidy hisses up at Madison, "You can't go, you know. Those boys are stupid, we need you here, what would people think?"

I see Mad roll her eyes, but she slumps down into her seat and waves Taylor off with a flick of her wrist. To my surprise, Tay heads straight over to me and takes the seat by my side. He leans in to hug me from the side.

"Just thought you could use some extra support today, after all it's your first day back since- "

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine Tay, thanks."

I haven't told the guys about what happened with Alister, I mean they barely even knew we were dating, and I don't need a bunch of pointless sympathy. But it's too late. Robbie has some kind of supersonic hearing, and low-level bitch-factor for any kind of juicy gossip.

"What's the matter Ryan? Something happen with your boyfriend? Is that why you didn't come to school on Friday?"

"Not my boyfriend, Robbie, just a guy. I'm not seeing him anymore. It isn't a big deal."

"You're not seeing that Alister anymore?" Alex asks, "You seemed pretty into him the other day."

I scowl, although feel slightly smug that my little show did have an impact on Alex, as that's what it had been for.

"Yeah, well, shit happens. Besides, I'm eighteen, I don't need to be tied down yet."

"Oh, I dunno, getting tied down can be fun." Alex winks at me before getting up to bus his tray, and I'm left with my mouth agape. What was that supposed to mean? And why did it make my stomach do a somersault?

* * * * *

Aubrey passes me the daisy chain she's crafted from the blooms that surround us and I place it on my head, making me the king of the fairies. I tell Robbie and he snorts.

"That's my role, I think," but he's grinning, and happily takes the necklace Aubrey's made for him.

I lay back onto the well-tended grass at the edge of the field, feeling the scratchy tickle of the green blades against the back of my hands, nestled under my skull.

"So," Aubrey pseudo-whispers, conspiratorially, but sounding a little sarcastic, "I assume we came here so we can watch the boys practice their highly masculine game of try-to-give-each-other-head-injuries?"

"It's always fun to do, you looking at anyone Aubrey?" Robbie smiles.

"Nup, I'm a bit too gay for that. Not gonna lie though, the cheerleaders might be catching my attention," she grins, and Robbie grins back, unfazed by the new information.

I have to ask, even though I know it's none of my business.

"So, Robbie, have you got your eye on anyone in particular?"

I don't want his answer, thinking I know what it's going to be, but I wasn't able to help myself. He regards me for a moment, a serious cast to his face, and shrugs.

"Not really looking at the moment, not needing to, I guess," he looks down, "not for any long-term reason, you understand, just happy with being happy in the moment."

It's cryptic, but I think I get what he's saying. It's his way of admitting there's something going on with Alex, without actually admitting it.

I'm not certain if Robbie worded it that way because I haven't been successful in hiding these thoughts about how I view Alex, which are not getting any lighter as I get to know him from the sidelines. Or maybe because he's been burned in the past and is reluctant to be too open about his personal life.

I'm embarrassed that he might have realized that I'm attracted to Alex. I don't want to go public about how I feel; as it stands I don't even know if Alex has the capacity to be into me -- Robbie isn't exactly a good gauge on whether a guy might be into other guys, but even if he is, well, there's Robbie. Just because a relationship's not his usual modus operandi doesn't mean he hasn't changed his mind this time.

I'm left wishing I hadn't opened my stupid mouth to ask the question in the first place.

Just then, Alex jogs over, pulling his helmet off, kicking his hair loose with a flick. He greets Robbie with a high five and bends over to hug Aubrey, saying a quiet 'hi' to me but not making eye contact. And that's another reason, as if I needed one, why I don't want anyone to know I've been watching him, now, practicing football, in class, when we hang. I can't even tell if he likes me as a friend, never mind anything else.

I know it's just lust I have though, for his easy smile and broad shoulders. For his laughing green eyes and full lips. Hell, I tell myself, it's probably just a knock-on effect from what happened with Alister leaving me feeling uneasy and unwanted. Seeking a bond where there isn't one. I'm not exactly feeling like the best judge of character right now.

"Hey, you guys coming to the Homecoming game on Friday?"

He glances around, his eyes bright and hopeful. I'm not sure why, I know he isn't that impressed with the whole concept of football, he says the game he used to play in Australia was a lot wilder and more fun.

"And to the Homecoming dance after?"

Aubrey fields it, "Of course we are, bud, we wouldn't miss it for the world," and his nervous smile melts into warmth that I feel in my gut.

He heads off to change and I turn to Aubrey.

"We are? I'm not exactly prepared for that."

"Of course we are. Don't you normally go, to support Taylor?"

"Not normally. He has Mad. I think I'd be pretty out of place. Everyone takes dates to the dance, and it would be a prime place to cop shit from the jocks who aren't as cool as Taylor."

"Really?" Robbie puts his head to one side, "I thought you got on okay with them? And Charlie and Zack go too."

I hate the way he's pinning my insecurities down without even trying. Bringing to the fore the things I keep hidden even from myself. That's what Robbie does though -- say incredibly on-the-nose perceptive stuff with a little twist to his head. Of course Charlie and Zack are fine, Charlie's gold-plated. And I do get on 'okay' with almost all of them, but the way I don't get on with the few is enough to have me running scared.

I shrug though, if Alex wants us there, I guess I'll do it, for a, hopefully, friend if nothing else.

* * * * *

On Homecoming I get ready after the game at Aubrey's. I've brought the single pair of smart black trousers I own and my single bright white shirt, long sleeved with a fit close to my body. I barely wear these, to keep them in their best condition, and they look good. I know I'll be underdressed compared to a lot of the guys, but I can live with that, because at least I'll be comfortable, and Aubrey lends me a slim black tie that used to belong to her father, a generous gesture that blows me away.

Aubrey looks incredible in a body-hugging black floor length dress, with lace sleeves. She kinda looks like Morticia Addams, in the best possible way.

When we go downstairs, Aubrey's aunt Linda bustles in with a large box.

"Darling, when you told me you were going to Homecoming with all your friends, I thought it would be delightful for you to all express your friendship with matching flowers."

She waves a beautiful white rose corsage with a pleased look on her face, ignoring the way Aubrey rolls her eyes.

"That's so kind, Linda," I smile as she hands me the boutonniere, which Aubrey fastens onto my shirt.

She might think it's all too much, but Aubrey can't hide the secretly pleased look on her face as I tie her corsage around her slim wrist.

When the others arrive we sort their matching boutonnieres and aunt Linda takes the obligatory pictures. Everyone looks good: Hai in a dark blue suit with black trim and Robbie in braces and a bow tie.

Biased I may be, but Alex looks the best, in a simple charcoal-gray three-piece suit that fits his broad shoulders like it was tailor-made, his unbuttoned shirt collar and surfer-hair giving it a relaxed air. He may look relaxed, but I'm not: it's all I can do not to lick my lips.

We ride to the party in a limo organized by Alex, who's sitting next to me, with Robbie on his other side. I'm trying to see whether they're touching, without being obvious, but clearly failing.

"You okay? Alex asks, "You seem a bit on edge."

"Just never been to anything like this," I say, disingenuously, as I'm not going to tell him the real reason I'm tense.

We've been getting on these last few days. Alex suddenly seems more inclined to speak to me, not ignoring me when we're together as a group, but it's not really helping my attraction, which is getting worse by the day.

* * * * *

Mad spots me as soon as we arrive, launching herself at me for an impromptu spin.