March Madness

"Cold," I said. She looked at me strangely. "The uhm shower." She started laughing out loud. I loved her laugh.

An hour later I was in the office awaiting the start of the press conference. I answered a lot of questions, most of them the same ones that other reporters for other magazines or newspapers had asked the day before. I guess my answers were funnier than Al's though. Near the end of the press conference, I dropped the bomb that launched newspaper stories all over the world.

A really cute reporter from a local newspaper raised her hand. Her hand going up caused all of the guys around her to drop theirs as they stared at her breasts.

"Coach, I'm sure you're predicting victory for your team like the rest of us," she began. "But what about the numbers and statistics? Will Jamal get another double-double tonight and break the NCAA single season record?"

All of the male reporters were smiling at her. When I began to talk everyone in the room including my assistants looked at me in shock.

"Actually, nothing is certain Carrie," I said, straining to read her name tag. "Jamal won't be starting the game and how many minutes he actually plays will be a game time decision."

There was pandemonium in the room and reporters all tried to get closer to me and started peppering me with questions.

"Jamal along with other members of the team were involved in breaking some of the teams conduct and behavior rules. We're handling this internally. There may be suspensions and reductions of playing time for all of the players involved. We'll know more about this at game time. Thank you. No further questions."

I got up and started walking towards the door with the entire throng of reporters following me and trying to prolong the interview. Outside the doorway, I saw Gloria standing near the door I'd have to go through to get out. I started talking to the reporters and actually acted like I was going to answer a question or two. The volume of people pushed Gloria away from the door and outside it as we walked. They followed me all the way to my car where I got inside it and disappeared.

I planned to talk to Gloria, but not until I was ready to. We'd done everything by her timetable until I discovered her cheating. It was only fair that everything after the discovery should be done by mine.

I drove around the arena and entered the practice facility from the other side of the building. I drove instead of simply walking through the building for two reasons. The first was that I wanted to have my car handy and close to the door just in case. And the second was so Gloria would see me driving away. That way hopefully she wouldn't try to follow me.

When I got to the practice gym, all of the players were up and moving around. They were shooting, they were dribbling they were paired off and working on defense. It was an amazing change from only the day before.

Al came over to me as I got there. "If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I'd never have believed it was possible," he said. "Look at these guys. You're an amazing coach."

I just shrugged my shoulders. "I just wish I knew what the hell was going on, so I could help you," he said. "Over the past two days you've gone from the happiest guy I know, to the most depressed. And now you have that same gleam in your eye that usually happens when we start the second half of a game down by four or five points. I get the feeling that someone has done something to you and you're about to start swinging."

"Al," I said. "It's better that you don't know. That way all of the fallout will be mine. Who knows you might end up with my job." I just smiled.

I divided all of the players into two squads. I gave one squad to Al to coach and I took the other. Jin served as the ref with another of my assistants, Carlos, helping out.

One kid ran into the gym. He came up to me and asked me whether he was assigned to my team or coach Bundy's. Al just shrugged and I took the kid on my team. He was about 5 foot five and weighed about two hundred pounds. He wore giant glasses that were held together with duct tape and converse all stars. As I watched him when he got on the floor, I was tempted to laugh. He held his arms straight out to the sides and was so heavy on his feet that you could feel the floor shake every time he landed. He did not look like NBA material. He didn't seem suited to the NCAA tournament. Actually he probably wouldn't make the roster for most good high-school teams. But he didn't know the meaning of the word quit. He ran his flabby ass up and down that court the whole game. He was bathed in sweat and smelled awful. His glasses got so fogged up that he had to keep wiping them and keep pushing them up his nose, but he chased every ball and contested every shot. The shots he made were well chosen and he didn't have a problem passing the ball if he didn't have a shot. He was my starting point guard.

When I announced the players who'd be starting the game that evening, everyone, including my coaches, got shocked looks on their faces. Even the players themselves kept coming over and asking me if I was sure I meant them. I told them all to go back to their hotels and get some sleep. I needed them all back at the arena forty five minutes before the game.

As the players and the coaches left the room, I saw Dean Martin walking towards me.

"Jim, what the hell is going on?" he asked me. "I don't know anything about players breaking any rules of conduct or behavior. Do we even have any? Shit, when you started raiding the prisons to find players, I looked the other way. When you gave a basketball scholarship to a wrestler, I pulled strings and arranged for the transfer of his eligibility. I even worked out a deal for that kid who can't dribble so he didn't have to red shirt a year. No one seemed to care because shit, I can play better than him. And the Polish kid, he didn't even have any high school transcripts. We had to start a God damned GED program just so we could get him some classes he qualified for."

I nodded. "Perhaps you shouldn't have," I said. "Maybe it would have been better for you, me and everyone else concerned, if we'd just let sleeping dogs lie."

"Jim, we're friends," he said. "At least I'd like to think so. Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?"

"If you knew, then you'd be forced to do something. Knowing would probably also make your life worse," I said. "This way, if you don't like or can't deal with what happens, you can always just fire me."

"God, I hope your team isn't this good next year," he said. "I mean I love the amount of money that's flowing into the school, but shit it just isn't worth this amount of pressure and scrutiny."

I snuck back to the office and made several phone calls, including one to Molly to ask for a favor. She reminded me of the promise I'd made her and hung up the phone laughing after agreeing to do it but telling me her favors could be expensive although not in a monetary way.

I also called my lawyer. The ads had been placed and were running. He'd decided not to fax me the papers. He arranged for a local process server to serve the papers after the game.

"Wasn't that expensive?" I asked.

"Hell no," he said. "I made money on it."

"How?" I asked.

"Think about it Jim," he said. "What red blooded American would turn down a ticket to go to one of the most anticipated games of the NCAA tournament? Those guys were offering me money to do it."

I called Gloria. I was going to just leave a message but as soon as the phone rang she picked it up. I told her that after the game was over and I'd done the interviews, we could talk. She reminded me that there was the presentation of the trophy and the celebration and I told her that I'd speak to her before all of that. It was more important that we talk. She told me that she loved me and she would forever and tonight I'd see just how much. I snorted and she told me that when I heard what she had to say it would all make sense. After concluding my business and making all of my arrangements, I headed back down to the practice gym.

On my way down there I ran into Jamal. "Coach, can I walk with you?" he asked.

"Why not?" I said.

"Good luck tonight," he said. "I'm so nervous, I'm glad I'm not playing."

"Who said you're not playing?" I asked.

"Come on Coach," he said smiling. "You and I have always been honest with each other. At least we were until I fucked that up. I should have told you from the beginning, so I deserve to have to sit out a game, even the most important game of my life. What you did for me and all of the things you taught me are worth way more than that. More than anything else, I'm really sorry that I let you down. But I'm going to make all of this right. I hope afterwards, we can still be friends. I'm going to need you next year."

I was shocked. As Jamal walked away he looked back at me. "God," he said. "I'm more nervous now than I was at any game I've ever played in." He smiled and went to wherever he was going. I didn't know what he had planned but I couldn't have been more proud of that kid if he'd been my own.

I got down to the locker room and called all of my players who were warming up off of the floor. I saw Jamal sitting nervously on the bench. The other members of my starting five were warming up. Most of them were afraid to look at me. Jamal nodded at me and kept stealing nervous glances at Jin Shu. Suddenly, I knew what he planned and my heart went out to him. As I said, I couldn't have been more proud of him if he was my own kid.

With all of the players gathered around me, I started into my speech. I talked about pride and not quitting even under the worst possible scenarios. I reminded the players that except for the seniors there'd be another chance next year. The seniors were experiencing a once in a lifetime moment that they could all tell their kids and grandkids about. They took the floor feeling pumped up. They all came out of the tunnel as the announcer announced each kid's name and what high school they came from. He gave a little bit of the season's highlights as background on the usual starting five but didn't have anything to say about the rest of the team.

Then he did the same for the opposing team. I shook the opposing coach's hand and wished him good luck against Michigan State. He looked at me and told me he'd already booked his flight back home. We'd already beaten them twice this year and he was going to bust his ass but he'd be ready for me next year. We smiled and went to our benches.

When my starting five took the floor, twenty thousand people stuffed into the arena all gasped at the same time. None of them was taller than five foot eight and they looked like the cast of freaks and geeks. I even heard one of the refs ask me, "Who the hell are these guys?"

Another ref was kinder. "I heard about the rules violations," he said. "I respect what you're doing immensely. It's good for the kids to learn that breaking the rules has consequences." I nodded.

Just before I sat down Dean Martin leaned over the railing and caught my eye. "I know everything," he said angrily. I looked at his wife sitting beside him. She looked scared. She had bruises around her neck that she was trying to hide by wearing a big scarf. She also had heavy makeup but it couldn't fully disguise the bruises around her eyes.

Every time the Dean flinched, she shrank away from him and said, "I'm sorry."

"I don't care what it takes," said the Dean. "Burn those fuckers."

The game started and there was nothing but silence in the arena. Twenty thousand people sat on their hands, slack jawed wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I think they all expected this to be some kind of dramatic statement or one of my well known tricks. They were all expecting my real team to go out there and start playing. It didn't happen. Igor, Tim, Joel and Billy all sat there on their hands begging and pleading to go in. They apologized, they begged and I ignored them all. Only Jamal smiled and he wasn't looking at me. His gaze was riveted to a beautiful young woman behind the coach's bench, sitting next to Jin's wife.

Al pointed behind the bench too. He was pointing at Gloria. She'd gone all out and made herself look great. She'd gotten her hair styled and was wearing a new dress. She was looking directly at me with tears running down her face, screaming,"Nooooooo!" The tears caused her makeup to run giving her that wild raccoon look. And the dress she bought was a bit tight on her. I smiled at her as she tried to catch my attention.

My team gave it all they had. They were busier than a bunch of one legged men in an ass kicking contest, but it was all for naught. The final score was a lot closer than I thought it would be. We lost but only by a smidge. The final score was 156 to 9. Our nine points were all scored during our forty three trips to the foul line.

The other coaches all moved away from me as the crowd had started throwing things at me during the game. I waved up at the audience flashing my cheesiest smile as they all booed me. After the game, I went over and congratulated the opposing coach. He shook my hand vigorously and told me I had elephant sized balls.

My interview was short and sweet. I just said that it had been a hard fought and very close game and we'd come out of it beaten but proud. I heard quite a few snickers and I was sure that one of those seasoned and professional sports writers farted loudly when I said it.

I talked about the true purpose of sports being to instill morals and good values in our youth and how I thought it was more important to teach the consequences of bad behavior than to win. They all looked at me as if I was a moron. I was sure I'd heard someone ask what planet I was from. Then, for the first time in weeks, they all just left me alone. They scurried across the floor to interview the winning coach and congratulate him on going to the final four.

I turned around and saw Gloria walking towards me. She was staggering as if she'd been hit really hard. She grabbed her chest as if she was having heart problems. "Jim, Honey, You've ruined us," she said. "It was all for nothing. How could you do this? You have no idea what you've done."

Before she got close to me, I got a surprise of my own. Apparently basketball fans come in both genders. A pretty young woman that looked like a college student got between Gloria and me. She looked bored and I think she was chewing gum.

"Are you Gloria Turner?" she asked. Gloria nodded.

"Are you sure?" she asked. Gloria opened her purse and showed the girl her driver's license. I really think that Glo thought she'd won one of those prizes they give away in the arena. After watching her I was sure of it.

"What did I win?" asked Gloria. "I hope it's cash. I really need it right now."

"You've been served," said the girl, popping her gum loudly and walking away as Gloria stood there looking shocked.

"All for nothing," mumbled Gloria.

Across the floor, I saw Jamal get up and walk slowly over to Jin. He tapped him on the shoulder and started talking to him. Jin looked confused and Jamal pointed up into the stands at Jennifer. The next thing I knew Jin had cocked his fist back and knocked the cowboy shit out of Jamal. Jamal was off of his feet and dazed. Jennifer ran down and jumped onto the floor covering Jamal and standing between him and her father.

I turned to see a tall and slender woman in an incredible red dress talking to Billy. He got off of the bench and started trying to put his arms around her. She kept moving away from him in a teasing manner. They left the arena together.

"Some guys get all the luck," said Al in my ear. At about that time a scream ripped through the air. "Divorce, there's not going to be a fucking divorce," shrieked Gloria. "Not after all of this."

Again, she got up a full head of steam and headed towards me. This time she had fire in her eyes. Before she got there, she was again intercepted. This time by two, very large men who were wearing sunglasses inside the building. I think I heard one of them tell her that someone name Otto would appreciate speaking to her.

"Where's Gloria going?" asked Al.

"I guess she's going to see Otto, whoever that is," I said.

As Al and I watched Gloria being marched away from us he looked at me. "It looks like she didn't want to go," he said.

I just shrugged my shoulders. "You may not always want to," I said. "But when you've gotta go, you've gotta go!"

"Why'd Jin slug Jamal?" asked Al.

Before I could answer another group of reporters were heading our way. "Coach, what happens next for your team?" asked one. "Did you really throw the game to prove a point to your players?" asked another.

I really needed to get out of there so I passed the buck.

"Guys, when all of the smoke clears I might get fired. You should probably talk to the guy who may be coaching next year." I pointed at Al and deftly stepped away. Al took to the spotlight like a zebra takes to peanut butter. He gestured for all of the reporters to come closer.

"My name is Al Bundy," he began. "And I played high school football."

"What does that have to do with anything?" asked a reporter. Al's response was cut off by a loud nasally voice. "Aaaallll," she screamed, turning the small two letter name into an ululating call that Tarzan couldn't have managed.

Almost as if she'd somehow sensed Al's moment in the spotlight, his wife Peggy appeared dragging her two low rent children with her.

"Out of the way loser," said Al's son Bud as he pushed me further away from the reporters.

Looking at Al's wife, Peggy, squeezed into a pair of brightly colored spandex pants that she must have used a time machine to rescue from the eighties, she had all the charm of a neon sausage. Even with my own disintegrating marriage, I pitied Al.

I left the building just in time to see three police officers dragging my center, Billy Bathgate, out of the bar across the street. Billy was kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs. "You pigs planted that shit on me," he yelled. "And that bitch teased me."

I asked the officers what had happened. I told them I knew him. I was his coach. They told me that he'd followed a woman into the bar and started hitting on her, while telling her that he was going to be a famous basketball player. The woman told him to leave her alone so two guys tried to make him stop bothering her. He started fighting with them and they turned out to be off-duty cops.

While trying to subdue him, they found several small vials of chemicals. They were labeled Dianabol which was an illegal anabolic steroid. There was too much in the three vials for them to be for personal usage.

The officer looked at me and spoke to me sadly. "Sorry coach," he said. "Your luck just won't get any better. I bet money on your team, but it looks like you're going to lose your center. By the time he gets out of jail on all of these charges he may be eligible for social security. The three things the judge hates the most are guys who harass women, guys who hit cops and guys who try to sell drugs."

"Can I give him a card with a lawyer's name on it?" I asked him. He nodded and I showed him a business card. There really was no lawyer's name on it. The front of the card read, "Don't do drugs," my real message for him was on the back.

After they got him into the squad car and replaced the handcuffs so he'd be more comfortable. I could see Bill's eyes on me. He looked at me as if he was pleading with me to try to help him in some way. So to ease his pain I yelled for him to read the card. He had to struggle to move the card to eye level with his hands cuffed together. But I could see him reading it as the cops got into the car. He held both hands out like he didn't understand. "Coach, I've never done drugs," he yelled.