Massage Mat Ch. 09

They had been planning to visit Jason and Leah for some time, and with Leah in the middle of a tricky pregnancy they decided that their first trip as a married couple would be to visit "the kids" and lend a hand.

Beth was a pro with reservations, and still had thousands of miles and points, so they flew first class. It made Beth feel good to use her accumulated miles this way, even though she now had enough money to charter a private jet.

Angie, by contrast, would have been happy to take the bus. She was never really comfortable around people with money, but she quickly saw that "living well" made Beth happy. Angie decided that making Beth happy was the best possible use of her money, and that she could put up with snobs when she had to. So she decided to accept luxury travel, Beth Miller style.

Angie's patience did have limits, though—like when she responded, "I can meditate in any seat," to Beth's question about her seating preference. She also wore her usual faded t-shirt, worn-out jeans and sandals in the first class section, oblivious to the sideways glances of the more elegantly attired patrons.

Beth had arranged for an "elite" rental car, so they drove to the kids' house in style. Watching Beth adeptly navigate the college town made Angie realize how much time she must have spent here when she and Jason were really going at it. They drove in silence, each alone with her thoughts. Finally, Angie spoke.

"You still really love him, don't you," she asked simply. Beth scowled.

"How can you ask a question like that?" she responded, hurt. "You know that..." her voice trailed off as she glanced over at her wife and saw her gentle smile. Angie shook her head, giving Beth an impish glance.

"You should know better than to try to BS me about how you feel." Angie reminded her gently. Beth grimaced.

"Goddamit," she said softly. "I'm sorry, Angie, it's just how I feel. But if you know anything you know that my love for you is stronger than anything in the world." Angie could see tears welling in her eyes.

"How about if you pull over for just a second?" Angie asked. Beth found a parking lot and turned in. She turned to Angie, frustrated.

"Can't you turn that goddamned ESP shit off for 10 minutes?" she asked crossly.

"As a matter of fact, I can't. You know I can't," Angie reminded her gently. "I'm truly sorry about that." She laid a gentle hand on Beth's arm, and Beth's anger drained away. It was always like this, she thought. It's like being mad at a cloud. She smiled in spite of herself.

"In it's defense, I could say 'that goddamned ESP shit' has served us pretty well on occasion, hasn't it?" Angie continued. Beth made a wry face and nodded grudgingly. Angie reached out and took Beth's hands in hers. "Beth, darling, I'm not asking you about this because I want to make you feel bad or to accuse you of something—I promise. In fact, I feel exactly the opposite."

"What do you mean?" Beth asked, confused.

"I did not marry you so I could police how you feel. I want you to feel everything you can—to feel more, in fact. If you're feeling love for Jason—I mean beyond mother/son love—that's just how you feel," Angie told her. "And I'm ok with that."

"You're ok with that?" Beth asked. She was still confused.

"Of course. I accept it—as I accept all of you for who you are. I want that feeling to have space in our relationship," Angie assured her. "The only question, then, is how we should deal with it. I'm assuming that you're committed to our marriage, right?"

"Of course," Beth answered quickly "Angie, you are the most important thing to me. Of that, I'm sure." Angie simply looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

Beth took a moment to summon her courage. "Ok. You want complete honesty." She sighed heavily. "To be completely honest, as I've thought about this trip, the idea of being with a man has been getting me very—um, intrigued."

"Aroused," Angie corrected her.

"Goddamit. Ok, aroused, if that makes ESP happy," Beth grumbled. "But back to my point. I can't be totally sure, but I think it's only partly Jason. It's also just the idea of sex with a man mixed in too. I do miss that sometimes. But I assure you, Angie, that I love you and want to be with you."

Angie smiled broadly. Beth just looked at her blankly.

"Aren't you hurt? Or offended? Or something?" Beth asked, mystified.

"No. I'm not," Angie answered definitively. "Should I be?" Beth continued to stare at her blankly.

"Look," Angie continued, "if you're missing the gratification of sex with a man—well, I'm not a man. Right? So it's not like you're rejecting me—you just seem to be needing a—er—a supplement, I guess I'd call it." Angie saw Beth's brow furrow as she pondered this new perspective.

"Plus, you've just been very honest with me about your feelings," Angie continued. "Crazy honest. More freely honest than ever, I think. I like that." She held up her finger with the wedding ring. "Your honesty honors this," she said tapping the ring. "It honors me. It's very intimate. And it's more important to me than sex. Really it is."

"Ok, Yoda. You just have to remember that I'm still not used to the way you think about things sometimes," Beth reminded Angie. "Frankly, I may never get used to it, so you'll have to remind me often." Angie smiled.

"I can do that," she said simply. "Here's a reminder. You can always trust me to accept you for who you are."

"You're better at that than I am," Beth sighed. "I have difficulty accepting myself."

"That had not escaped me," Angie replied. She tried to keep a serious face, but couldn't help a smile.

"Don't gloat," Beth said. Now she was smiling too.

"I'm not gloating," Angie said, serious again. "I have a confession to make." Beth raised an eyebrow.

"To be perfectly honest on my part, I'd actually prefer that you only were physical with me," Angie told Beth. "I do feel jealous and uncomfortable with the idea of you being with a man."

Beth nodded. "Of course," she replied decisively, "that makes perfect sense. And that's why I won't do it." Angie shook her head. She looked vexed.

"Let me finish, dammit," she scolded. "That's what I'd prefer on some level, but I don't think that's right," Angie continued. "I need to grow—to find space in my heart to allow you to be who you truly are."

Beth interrupted, "I don't think this is your problem, Angie."

Angie shot back, "Why should my limitations prevent you from being your true self?" Beth had no answer for that—except to realize that she was married to a woman whose spirit was unique and wonderful.

Angie continued, "Your physical needs are so much stronger than mine, and they are different. So I want to find a way—no, that's not right. I want US to find a way—together—for you to be fully satisfied."

"Angie, I don't ever want to do anything that would hurt you," Beth said, sincerely. "No matter how you want to grow—and everything. I would sooner die than hurt you."

"I know that," Angie responded, and Beth could see that she was touched. "Beth, I trust you absolutely. It's not about being hurt. I will not be hurt if I see that you are happy and fulfilled. I'll be joyful, actually. I just want us to be honest with each other—and I love it when you tell me straight out how you feel."

Angie blushed and looked downward, looking like a shy little girl. "It's actually very sexy," she added softly. "And it makes my radar less useful—why worry about sensing when you tell me everything anyway? I like that a lot. It makes me feel more—um, normal, I guess." Beth smiled and nodded, happy to understand more about what made Angie special.

"I don't think 'normal' would be the way most people would describe our values," she replied shaking her head. "But I don't care. They're ours, and they work for us. Ok, love, I think I get it," she told Angie. "And I know that I'm very fortunate." Angie put a cautionary hand on her wife's arm.

"Just remember, dear, that Jason may not be free—he may choose to be faithful to his wife. So this could be complex," Angie cautioned.

"Actually, it's not," Beth said simply. "It's very, very simple. I love you and I want to be a good wife to you. I did that well with Dan, you know. I really do know how to be a good wife." She paused, collecting her thoughts. "I also love Jason very much both as a mother and as—um—more. But I will not use him to gratify myself at the expense of his happiness or the well-being of his marriage. So some of this might seem complicated and weird, but my heart is very clear. I'm not conflicted about this at all, Angie. Not at all," she concluded with conviction.

Angie raised an eyebrow. "So you're not conflicted, you just want to get laid?" she teased.

"Yeah. Something like that," Beth replied, blushing.

"This parking lot seems pretty secluded. Maybe you could pull back behind that building," Angie said, pulling off her shirt. "I've never done it in a car. Of course, I'm not a man, but you apparently are able to make do."

Beth stared, then smiled. It was rare for Angie to initiate sex. She found a good spot and parked.

"I love you very much," Angie told Beth, gazing into her eyes, "and I feel so close to you right now. I want this very much."

"I love you too," Beth said, removing her clothes. "And you need to recline your seat a little more," she added, getting on top of Angie. "I'm going to need more room."

When resumed their drive, they felt secure. Although there were dangerous curves ahead, they knew they would always be on the same road together.

"Oh my God. They're here," Leah observed unnecessarily as the doorbell rang. She heard a toilet flushing and saw Jason appear carrying the mop and other cleaning supplies.

"Guest bathroom clean, ma'am," he called to her, saluting with the mop. "We're as ready as we can be." He zipped to the closet and ditched his janitorial equipment.

Leah was already opening the door, wondering how this visit would go. Her usual mantra, "you can do anything if you put your mind to it" wasn't helping much at the moment, because for once she had no idea what she really wanted.

As she let the women in, she saw that Beth looked great—she had lost weight and become more fit and tanned. And Angie turned out to be really cool, totally informal and laid back. A little shy around strangers, she was very nice and politely listened as they chatted.

Jason gave his mom a huge hug, and she returned it with gusto. As he squeezed her, he said, "Wow, mom, you've lost some weight." Stepping back a bit he added, "You look great. Have you been working out?"

"It's all Angie's doing," Beth told him. "She's got us on a vegetarian diet and we've started running together. I feel a lot better." Then she turned to Leah.

"How are you doing with everything?" she asked.

"Ugh. I'll be glad when Junior has made his grand exit, that's for sure," Leah said. "But I'm hanging in there," she added brightly.

Beth hugged her and said, "Well, we're here to help you with anything you need. I know you guys are tough, but an extra couple of hands should be of some help. Anyway," she added, putting her arm around Angie and pulling her over, "I need to introduce you two."

Angie looked at the younger woman and smiled. "Hi, I'm Angie," she said shyly.

Seeing how shy Angie was, Leah just said, "It's great to meet you Angie," and extended her hand gently. Ignoring that gesture, Angie opened her arms, inviting a hug.

Leah beamed and dove in, giving her a warm hug. She quickly learned that even though Angie was quiet, she was a great hugger. Leah tuned to Beth and said, "I like her already, she's very cool."

"That's good," Beth quipped, "because you're stuck with her now." They all laughed, and Jason led them into the living room.

"So you're the famous Leah," Angie said, her arm still around Leah's waist.

"I think 'infamous' is probably more accurate," Leah said. She noticed that she couldn't help smiling at Angie. Angie continued to hang onto her and smiled back. Clearly they had bonded.

"Well, the only description I kept getting from Beth was 'quite a girl,'" Angie told her. "So I've been dying to find out what that really means."

Leah blushed. "I don't know," she said shyly, flattered by the phrase. "Er—how about something to drink?" she asked, suddenly aware that she should be a good host. Beth turned from talking with Jason and got up.

"I'll help you," she said, joining Leah in the kitchen. As they prepared some sodas, Beth told her, "Angie loves to cook, and would like to make dinner for us tonight. Would that be ok?"

Leah laughed. "Hell yes," she said quickly. "I do not count cooking as one of my 'quite a girl' skills."

"Good," Beth replied. "So she's going to have to do some shopping. Why don't we send Jason with her so we can have a chat?"

Leah put down the bottle she was holding and looked directly at Beth. "I'd like that," she said softly. "I'd like that a lot. I think we need to talk."

Beth returned her look. "You're right," she said. "I agree. This could be complicated, and the sooner we sort it out the better." She turned and looked around. "But for now—um, does he still like barbecue chips?" she asked, looking in the pantry.

"Yeah—but he's had to cut back. He has to get his body fat down," Leah told her, "so we don't have any at the moment."

"Ok," her new mother-in-law replied. "I don't want to be the one to sabotage his training. I think we're ready, then. Let me carry the tray—it's kind of heavy. You take the napkins and stuff."

"Here goes nothing," Leah quipped as they headed into the living room.

They talked for over an hour, catching up on news and just enjoying each other's company. Finally, however, they realized that if they wanted to eat at a reasonable time Angie needed to do the shopping for dinner.

Beth and Leah drafted Jason to be Angie's driver while they cleaned up the kitchen. And so a short time later, Jason and Angie found themselves shopping and talking about his injury and recovery. From Jason's description of Leah's role in his healing, Angie could tell that they had a strong bond. He also shared the story of his "rescue" of her in the rainstorm.

"You're very romantic, Jason," Angie told him. "No wonder she's head over heels in love with you."

"Well, I know she loves me, but I think she's a little worn out right now," Jason replied. "I don't know about the 'head over heels' part."

Angie stopped and looked at him. Then she looked around at their surroundings and frowned.

"Well, the produce section of Mega-Mart isn't the best place for this talk, but it will have to do," she said, taking Jason's hand. "Has your mother ever told you that I can sense things in people?"

Jason smiled, "Yeah, she has," he replied. "One time she said she couldn't decide if it was a blessing or a curse."

Angie shook her head. "It's both," she sighed. "That's for sure. But anyway, Jason, I can sense things in people. And I can tell you for sure that Leah is head-over-heels in love with you. Like crazy in love. Today. Right now." Jason smiled as she continued, "It actually doesn't take supernatural powers—it's written all over her face when she looks at you. You're a very lucky man." Angie saw how Jason was touched by this. "I thought you would want to know that," she concluded. Jason just nodded, a huge grin on his face.

"I—I don't even know why or how this happened," he told her. "It was just blind luck that we found each other. We literally ran into each other going to a meeting, and it was instant attraction. I'm really lucky. She's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Well," Angie said simply, "it obviously was meant to be. You're very in love with her too, you know," she added with a wink.

"Yeah," Jason said softly, "I am."

"Ok. Let's finish this shopping. We have to get some wine, too," Angie told him.

As they shopped for the wine, Angie suddenly turned and said, "Jason there's one more thing I have to tell you."

He was inspecting the Merlots. Without looking up he said, "Ok. Shoot."

Angie rested her hand on his shoulder. "Your mother still has very strong feelings for you. You know that, right?" she asked casually.

Jason's body went rigid, and he swallowed hard. "Did you sense that from her?" he asked.

"No. Well—yes I did, but she told me, too," Angie informed him. Jason turned to face her, and neither of them spoke for some time. Angie chewed her lip, then cleared her throat. "What I did sense, though, is that you have the same feelings for her. Is that correct?" she asked, looking directly at Jason.

Jason swallowed hard again. His first instinct was to deny it—but what was the point with this human lie detector standing right there?

"Yeah. I guess so," he confessed, looking away. "I feel terrible about that." He sighed. "But I do."

Angie patted his chest soothingly. "Thank you for your honesty. And for not hating me. Like your mom said, my gift can be a pain sometimes—especially because talking to me can feel like being wired to a lie detector. But it often is useful in that it can make sure that relationships stay honest.

Jason smiled wanly. "Yeah. I see your point."

"You wouldn't be the first person who's wanted to punch me," Angie said with a smile. "So thank you for being a real man and being honest." She looked at him and continued, "I'll tell you this, Jason. I also know that you have a wonderful heart. You're loyal, brave and generous—I can sense that and I know it from how your mom talks about you."

At that, Jason brightened, "Thanks, Angie," he said softly. "It's really hard to be loyal, though, when I'm kind of in love with two women."

Angie gave him a wry smile and nodded agreement. "Maybe it's unfortunate that you and your mom have these feelings for each other. It's certainly unusual, I've got to say that," she said shaking her head. "It's hard for me to understand, too." Her face softened and her smiled became a bit sad. "But it's not anyone's fault. It's just the way you two are. And I know it's just as hard for you guys as it is for me and Leah." Once again, Jason felt tears in his eyes.

"Thank you for saying that. That's just what Leah tells me," Jason replied looking down and shaking his head. "That is so loving and very sweet," he told Angie sincerely then he reached out and ruffled her hair. She smiled.

"Ok. So I have one more thing to say," she added, pausing to take a deep breath. "I'm sure it will seem weird, but I want to tell you how I feel." Jason looked at her questioningly.

"Well," Angie told him, "a long time ago I felt really bad that I could sense everything that other people felt—it's like invading someone's privacy." Jason nodded.

"But," she continued, "I figured out that I could sort of level the playing field if I learned to be really honest and open about my feelings. So even if you don't have any special gift, you can know as much about me as I do about you. Does that make sense?"

"Yes," Jason replied. "It makes perfect sense."

"Great," Angie said. "Now the other thing you have to know is that I'm a little—er, different—when it comes to love and relationships. That's sort of a disclaimer, I guess." She shook her head. "Anyway, what I want you to know is that I think this attraction you and your mom have for each other might not be the worst thing in the world at the moment."

Jason looked at her, not understanding.

"Jason, Leah feels terrible that she can't be intimate with you—and her guilt feelings are just adding more stress to her physical problems. I can also tell you that Beth would love to be intimate with you again." Angie was speaking matter-of-factly, making it all sound as simple as deciding on a bottle of wine. "So even though it seems weird, it might be a win-win situation. I mean, you could take a source of stress away from Leah and make your mom—and you—happy."