Mea Culpa

It's not my fault, it really isn't. I know that it's not my fault but there is a wide chasm between knowing something and feeling something. It's something that people who've never experienced that gap between reality and realization can never truly relate to but that doesn't make it any less true. Saying that it's not my fault, looking at the facts none of it helps because I should have been better.

I guess now would be when I tell you what's not my fault and what a horrible human being I am. I didn't even realize how horrible I was until a few moments ago when I realized I don't really care that ther was a life lost to the world I only care that I lost someone that I loved. How selfish is that? It's not my fault that Nikki's in jail. It isn't, she was the one who was under more stress than she could handle, she was the one who failed to ask anybody for help, she was the one who snapped and killed her own infant son. It's not my fault and if it is my fault then it is also her father and fiancée's faults. I mean they were living in the same house with her any sign that I should have seen through the internet they should have seen more clearly in person. None of us saw it coming, nobody at all saw it.

The thing is that I should have seen it. She'd been one of my best friends for over a decade and for a man of twenty five years of age that is a rather impressive boast. She'd been my friend nearly half of my life and my entire adult life. We'd always joked about finally meeting face to face but it never actually materialized. Suddenly three months after she's given premature birth to twins she decides seemingly on a whim that now would be the perfect time to come meet me. How much of a sign did I need before I would realize that my friend was in trouble and needed help. Needed my help and came to me looking for me to fix her because that's what I was supposed to do.

When she was here the entire time she was testy and annoyed like there was something bothering her. She mentioned at least once that she really didn't care if I came around of not it was just nice to be away from her family. I imagine being a twenty five year old woman with four kids, two of them premature twins, one of which has never even left the hospital might be stressful. It's probably only compounded when your fiancée randomly doesn't come home at night and turns off his cell phone. Living at home with your father probably sucks at that point too. You see how this is my fault for not seeing the writing on the wall?

We spent nearly an entire weekend almost in silence. The most talking was when she got together with my now Ex and they took turns telling me what a horrible person I am. I've never denied that if there is a worse human being drawing breath than me I've yet to meet him. I am a bad person but I don't want to change. I love who I am and what I am and I've found that there are plenty of people who seem to appreciate that I am efficient, easy to work with and brutally honest. I think the only thing that I was pissed about what that threesome I had been promised by my then fresh ex and best friend forever deteriorated into the difference between what people say and what people mean. At least drinks at Gameworks was a blast and watching her flirt with the waiter.

She left on Monday morning without so much as a call though supposedly it was my fault. Of course, why wouldn't it be. Everything else that has ever gone wrong is my fault in one way or another. I've got someone working on why it was my fault that the dinosaurs went extinct but everything else to include the rise of Hitler has been successfully and conclusively blamed on me so why not this? I should have called her oh well. I was pissed because I'd spent a few hundred bucks being treated like shit by the two women who meant, who mean, the most to me.

Nikki got home and we had a few brief internet conversations but we used to spend the entire day online. At the time I had a job that allowed me to spend basically the entire day online and with brief breaks for work. It's the glory of retail when you are your own boss. There is often nothing at all to do all day so you pass the time how you please. She wrote me an email about how she was afraid she didn't love her youngest child, that she only held him when she had to and too feed him but never any other time.

Any idiot could tell she was suffering from Post Partum Depression, hell even my ex did. To be fair Karrin considering she can be a complete idiot about a huge plethora of things particularly how to read people and what to say she seems to have a gift for medical diagnosis. She would make a stunning doctor, like House but beautiful. Considering any idiot would have known what was wrong with Nikki and how dangerous that situation was I didn't. I guess that's the disadvantage of not being an idiot, sometimes you can't see what's staring you in the face.

She called me late at night, later than is polite to tell me that her child was dead. Truth be told other than I was sorry for her I didn't care, not really. I mean how many people die everyday, how many times do you hear that some family member you had no contact with and wouldn't even have recognized if they walked past you died? It was like that, just a number harmless save for the fact that it hurt someone close to me. She told me then that the police were going to be back to ask her questions later and I didn't even think about it. I should have told her to keep her mouth shut.

She ended up convicted for murder and it's my fault. If I'd seen the signs I could have done something. Said something that would have made her ask for help, or gone up and helped her myself or something. At the least I could have told her the ancient mantra of anybody who's ever been in trouble. Admit nothing. Deny everything. Demand proof. The world would still have lost a life but I wouldn't have lost her.

You see how silly this all is though. It's not my fault. Its her fault. No matter what we know about PPD and its power to overwhelm the rational we are human beings and it is our duty to rise above this. I guess it's fitting that I'm in love with a monster being one myself.