Mechanics of the Heart Ch. 01

Jesse's awestruck eyes betrayed his stupor. Simon had never talked back to him like this before. But the host quickly went back to smooth operator mode. "Buddy, listen to me! Sasha's gonna change all that! She's gonna turn this whole thing around. Oh man, if you only knew how I have this all worked out: her exclusive contract to my record label; management, booking, and promotion all in the deal. I'm already getting chummy with her dad and I know it'll just take another meeting for him to sign everything over to me..."

Simon put up his hand up in front of him. "Stop, just stop."

Jesse was speechless.

"You don't get it, do you?" Simon asked, looking at the man whom he dedicated his life to for two long, hard years. "I mean shit to you...DAMMIT!" Burning tears began to flow; Simon turned around. "Every fucking word you said, every fucking time you promised me..."

In a flash, Jesse grabbed him and held tight. If it were any point in the last two years, Simon would've screamed for joy. But at that moment, Jesse's arms felt hollow.

"I know it's been hard, Simon. Things haven't been going like I planned. But don't think for a second that I don't need you."

He turned his head and spoke right to Simon's ear. "You're my rock, my lifesaver." A deep sigh.

"I can't do this without you. And we're so close, so close to a breakthrough, you'll see..."

Every word sounded empty, phony. Then a light turned on in his head; Jesse was never going to change. Things were never going to change. They would never be together.

"I can't do this anymore," Simon muttered. He thought he was going to say sorry, but then he realized that, no, he wasn't sorry. "This is not it. This is not how it's supposed to be," he continued, pushing Jesse's arms away.

All the time he wasted fantasizing, all the little moments when he thought, maybe, Jesse would come around this time...his heart lifted as he finally extinguished that flicker of false hope, the thing that kept him going.

"What are you saying?"

Simon faced the host. "I can't do this anymore. I've wasted so much time..." He looked at Jesse not in anger now, but in sadness. "And you'll never give me a chance, you'll never give me what I deserve." The tears began to cool on his cheeks. "I can't be your go-to anymore. I need to do me, my life..."

At that point, Jesse turned furious, scared shitless. He abandoned all pretense of cordiality. "What are you gonna do out there, Simon? Wait more tables? Rot in a cubicle?" he asked, pointing into the windy night air. "You're meant to be doing this..."

"This??" Simon asked, pointing to the bar.

"Music! It's in your blood. It's...it's what you're meant to do! Are you giving up now, after how far you've come?"

"No, not music; you." It was incredible how quickly years of devotion could just wash away after the blinkers were taken off. "I don't need you."

Silence. A static stare.

"FUCK!!" Jesse turned and kicked the dumpster. It was the first time Simon ever saw him lose his composure. "What the fuck am I supposed to do now?" He cried.

"It's your show, Jesse. You always make it work." Simon said dryly, turning around to walk back to the bar. "Just get up there and do your thing."

He didn't expect the host to run up behind him and grab his hands.

"Get your hands OFF ME!" Simon screamed. He wrung his hands free and slapped Jesse across the face. The host's eyes were wide open; Jesse couldn't believe what was happening. The singer left him standing there and went towards the back entrance.

A wave of people pushed towards him as he opened the door. He didn't hear a single word; all he said was, "Jesse's over there; go ask him," over and over again. As singers and guitarists and drummers made a beeline to the stunned host, Simon saw Gaby and gave her a hug.

"I'm done here. Good luck. Find another gig," he said to her, before going to getting his stuff from the office.

The walk out of the bar felt like a victory march. He knew this would be a short victory, but it felt so very sweet in that moment, before the pieces fell down to the ground. The club owner tapped on his shoulder as he passed the bar; he shrugged and told him he was no longer in charge, then continued walking.

When he stepped outside the bar through the front door, it was like he left a part of himself behind. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, Simon honestly didn't know. He had no idea if life would make sense or get worse from now on. But it was time for him to step back from the hustle, step back from even the lyric sheet, and take a good look at his life. What now?

Well, he wasn't done with benders yet.

-----

"Yo, Simon, my man, you did you and you did good!" Julio exclaimed. He raised his beer bottle and clinked the tip to Simon's bottle.

He was at his friends' house party downtown, in a mostly straight crowd. It was so packed that conversing pairs and trios had to stand in the middle of hallways, sit on each other's lap, even stake a spot in one of the washrooms.

Four people lived in this house, situated just north of the downtown university campus: Nicole, an actress and drama teacher he'd known for years; Arthur, a journalist at the public broadcaster who moonlighted as a session musician; Julio, a poly sci masters with rich parents; and Jae, Julio's friend from school.

Simon knew all of them well except for Jae, a second-generation Korean. He was the newest roommate in the house, after the other three kicked out their previous roommate because she spent all her money on shoes instead of rent. Julio met Jae in club rugby last fall and became fast friends. Two weeks later, Julio introduced him to the other roommates, who all took a quick liking to him, and the rest was history.

Although Simon had only met him twice, it was easy to see why Jae made such a great impression on his friends so quickly. Firstly, there was his physicality: five foot eleven, a kind, pleasing face that exuded boyish charm, a sensational smile, and a brawny 175 lbs. Simon could verify, from some drunken bet or game a few months ago, that Jae's upper body was smooth, light skinned, and buff.

An accounting major, Jae's other attractive feature was his personality. He lit up the room whenever he came by, warmly greeting everyone, actively listening to and remembering conversations, and telling jokes to a rapt audience. Simon was envious of the undergraduate's confidence, his willingness to poke fun at himself, his penchant for speaking his mind even when his opinion wasn't fully formed, and his ease at taking things lightly. Simon wasn't the only one who was attracted to all of these attributes: the girls always said hi to Jae, flipping their hair, and laughed at his jokes; the guys all wanted to be around him, claiming to be best buds with "the man".

The thing was, nobody knew who Jae was interested in. He mentioned dating a few girls back out west, where he was born and raised, but as far as everyone knew (and people had been digging), he hadn't gone out with anyone since he transferred to university here last fall. And since he was so charming and lovable to everyone, nobody knew if he had feelings for anyone.

What also dogged Simon's mind was an incident during the same drinking game when Jae took off his shirt. They'd gotten to the "spin the bottle" segment of the night (Simon only watched, of course), and a flushed Jae spun the bottle, only to have it point to Julio.

A massive holler exploded in the room. With a drunken grin, Jae grabbed Julio's face as the poly sci student freaked out, and planted a big long kiss on his friend's lips. The rowdiness turned to gasps as it lasted for five, then ten seconds, ending when a panicking Julio finally wrestled himself free of Jae's husky arms.

Then the accounting major raised his fists in the air, which prompted a big cheer from everyone again.

Truth be told, Simon had masturbated once to that scene.

He shifted his sitting position at the kitchen table, having arrived at the house party early enough to get a precious seat in the overcrowded building. Julio went off somewhere; he'd been talking to a few girls who were new to this loose group of friends. Simon had a rare moment of quiet and he relished it.

Nicole walked by and moped with all of her expressive face when she saw Simon. "You doing okay there, love?" she asked, stopping. He'd told her all that had happened earlier in the evening.

"Yeah, just taking a breather before getting up to see where the action is. Maybe I'll do some karaoke in the TV room in a bit."

"Oh hun, you'll clear the room cos no one will wanna sing after you!" Nicole replied, laughing in her chipper manner, her ginger curly hair bobbing. "You're doing okay, though?" She came in for a hug.

"Yeah, thanks. I'm glad I'm here."

"You belong here, not with that crooked rat," Nicole affirmed, her face full of disdain. "Sorry, you know I never liked him. And darling, look at you, with your beautiful face and body that never puts on any fat. You deserve so much better."

"Aw, Nicole, you don't have to..." he replied, waving off the compliments. "But, yeah, you were right all along. I just had blinkers on."

"Well, we have to celebrate you seeing the light!" the actress exclaimed, tapping her fingers on the table. She squeezed by two people having an intense talk about some TV show and went to the fridge. "Say, have you seen Jae around?" she asked, opening the fridge door.

"No, actually," Simon replied. "I think he may have gone out to the back. They're setting up cards...he's probably getting it started."

Nicole came back with two open beer bottles. She saw there were no other chairs at the kitchen table at the moment, and plopped her little butt down on Simon's lap. "Can I just tell you, every time I run into Jae coming out of the shower...omigod I can't even..."

Simon giggled politely, taking the offered bottle. "He's so damn hot...but it's impossible to tell what he thinks of me. He's so damn nice and friendly to everyone," she moaned.

"Nobody can figure him out...I mean, he's so open about everything else but that, isn't he? I've noticed, every time someone wants to dig deeper, he just turns it into a joke or just shrugs it off." Simon wondered if maybe, just maybe...but then he reminded himself that he just wasted two years of his life on a straight guy.

After a moment of quiet, Nicole said, "I'll...be back," patting Simon's thigh. She headed towards the backyard. The TV couple soon walked off as well, probably to Nicole's film and TV collection upstairs.

The singer looked at the beer bottle and left it on the table. He'd already had two, and he didn't want to ruin the one physical feature he was most proud of: his defined abs. Just as he lifted up his tee to check how they were doing, Jae came into the kitchen.

"Whoa, check out those abs!" the accounting major whistled. Simon almost jumped out of his seat. He pulled his shirt down as quickly as possible.

"Hehe..." the singer stammered. Jae flashed him a killer grin and went to open the fridge. Simon couldn't helping staring at Jae's well-built arms and shoulders as they popped out against his loose striped beach tanktop.

"No more beer!" he sighed, closing the door. "Guess someone's gotta run out and get some more..." he said, cocking his eyebrows at Simon, who chuckled.

"Here, have mine," the singer offered, grabbing the bottle and extending it to the Asian hunk.

"You sure? I don't wanna take away your buzz. I heard from Julio you had a pretty rough night."

"Please," Simon affirmed, nodding his head. Jae smiled and took the offer. "I took a sip from it...I hope you don't mind."

The accounting major shook his head and took a swig. "Thanks, Simon," he responded with a smile.

They looked at each other. Simon felt himself getting warm.

"C'mon, we're starting King's Cup, " Jae said, motioning with his hand as he started walking out the kitchen.

"Oh, it's that time of the night," Simon replied with a smirk. "I'm okay," he continued, shaking his head and looking down. Jae stopped.

"C'mon Simon. You're an awesome drunk!"

"No, it's cool," he said with a polite smile. Jae stood waiting with his own smile, dazzling. If there were a contest to see who could endure the most awkwardness, Simon knew he would lose five seconds into the first round. Jae had either the thickest skin known to man, or he really just didn't give a shit about what other people thought of him.

Simon threw his hands up. "I gotta take care of my abs," he proclaimed, laughing.

"Wow, if I only had your discipline," Jae said, raising his eyebrows. Then he lifted up his tanktop to check himself out.

True, Jae didn't have a six-pack, but he still had a flat belly and tapered midsection. And the big pink nipples that Simon got a peek of, on top of that wide, beefy chest...Simon shifted in his seat.

"You look great," he said in a low voice.

"Nah, I drink too much beer and eat too much pizza," the Asian jock replied, putting down his top.

"Well, you're still young, so enjoy it while you can," the singer sighed. "I'm already breaking my diet having two beers. And I remember pizza..." he continued, grinning.

Jae stayed gazing at Simon. The singer couldn't handle it; he broke the stare and looked away. After another moment, the accounting student stepped towards the kitchen table, then crouched in front of the singer.

"Look, I know we're not best buds yet, but if you wanna talk about what's on your mind, I'm here" Jae offered.

"Thanks, Jae. That's so nice of you."

"Seriously," he repeated, looking at Simon. "Do you...wanna talk now?"

When he wanted to, Jae always convinced people to go his way. They went upstairs to the Asian jock's room.

It was messy; they had to clear books and clothes off his twin bed in order to sit on it. But Simon didn't notice; he just started talking and Jae listened, and then time flew by. The singer told Jae about the showcase, the job, then Jesse, then their whole history together. Throughout this time, the hunk nodded his head and ask a few short questions, but left the focus of their time together on what Simon needed to get off his chest.

The 31 year-old would've told his entire life story if Nicole hadn't knocked on the door an hour or so into the conversation.

"Oh, there you are!" she proclaimed, coming in; Simon wasn't sure which person she was referring to. "What's going on?" she asked with big eyes, seeing the two sitting side by side on Jae's bed.

"Simon was just telling me about Jesse and everything," Jae responded.

"Oh, that crooked rat. Good riddance, honestly. He's been nothing but negative energy in Simon's life," she said, trying to find a spot on the small bed to sit on. She moved towards Jae, who quickly got up and offered her the bed. "Oh, no, no, silly! Sit down!" she squealed, but the hunk was already sitting down on the floor.

"We missed you in the backyard," the drama teacher continued to Jae. "They were gonna spin the bottle but no guys were willing to kiss another guy!" She burst into laughter.

"Well, sorry I kept you, Jae," Simon said, getting up from the bed.

"No man, it's cool, seriously," Jae replied, one arm extended towards the singer.

Simon was about to leave the room, and get ready to head back home, when he thought about what would be waiting for him there: an empty room, where he would put on headphones and bawl to depressing acoustic laments, or angry rock screamers, until the sun came up.

So he stopped and turned to Nicole, hesitant. ""Hey, Nicole...can I...could I possibly sleep over tonight? It's just..."

"Sure!" Nicole and Jae both declared.

"Hun, you know the door's always open for you, anytime," Nicole affirmed. "And you should be around people right now."

"Yeah, and you better fuckin' drink some more!" Jae hollered.

The party went on until the wee hours of the morning. Jae turned in around midnight, citing rugby practice and readings for the next day. Simon stayed up with Nicole, Arthur, and Julio until the last guest stumbled out the front door; the singer was the only sober one left.

At Nicole's insistence, Simon stopped picking up the empties and got ready for bed. She also insisted he sleep beside her in the same bed; they met years ago as counsellors at an arts camp and slept in the same room the whole summer. The actress joked that it was gonna be like old times tonight. Though the singer found the arrangement a bit awkward, he also preferred the bed to the alternative, a lumpy sofa that had definitely seen more than sleep in its time.

Unfortunately, Simon forgot about Nicole's thunderous snoring. He got through it at summer camp via earplugs, but no such luck tonight. Already stiff from sleeping on a foreign bed, Simon remained wide awake beside his noisy friend, antsy and irritated.

When he finally started feeling drowsy, he was sure that the sun was going to come up at any second. And then he had to go pee.

So he got up and headed to the bathroom, too groggy and grouchy to see that the light was on inside.

When Simon opened the bathroom door, he saw Jae sitting naked at the edge of the small bathtub. He had earbuds on, attached to the laptop resting on the covered toilet in front of him.

One hand was wrapped around his cut cock, glistening with moisture. The prick was erect, its shaft bent upward like a banana.

The other hand tweaked his left nipple, also slick with liquid.

His mouth was agape as his eyes darted from the monitor to Simon.

The singer couldn't move fast enough. Without a word, he slammed the bathroom door shut and hurried back to Nicole's room. Closing the bedroom door quickly behind him, he stopped and realized his heart was racing.

His friend was sleeping on her stomach, arms and legs outstretched as if she landed face-first onto the bed from high elevation, like in some old-timey cartoon. Simon sat down on the floor and caught his breath.

He heard Jae's door open and shut a wall away.