Mechanics of the Heart Ch. 07

"Benjamin Bonn, everybody!" Electric Blew exclaimed over the PA. "Holy FUCK, that was hot!! Even better than his last porno with the wild men fucking on vines in the forest! Whew!! And Angelo Torres...who needs a fist when you have a dick like that!!"

A man with a mop and bucket went onstage and began cleaning. "Did y'all see the poor thing, what's-his-name, he had tears in his eyes 'cos he couldn't handle all that cock! If I were him, I'd rather choke to death than take those cocks outta my mouth. They'd have to pry them out of my dead corpse lips!!" the drag queen squealed. "Is the stage cum-free yet?"

"I'm gonna go to the washroom," Simon said to Luke, who nodded and continued texting.

As usual, the musician went to a stall to go pee. Not long after he started, the door opened and he heard a nonstop chatty voice come in.

"Fuckin' amateur...I'm so over it. We were supposed to do two more positions, but that kid was like a dead fish so I just went to the cumshot and called it a night. Ugh, there's NOTHING more aggravating than these lost little boys who ride on their looks and have no talent."

Simon recognized the voice as Benjamin Bonn's, but instead of the low, masculine tone he projected onstage, it appeared his natural speaking voice was much closer to the melodramatic lilt of a drag queen's delivery, not unlike Electric Blew's.

"I swear, if that man taking the foulest shit in the world comes out and tries to take a picture with me, I will puke all over his sorry ass."

Simon was stunned.

Liquid splashed onto the urinal drain. "...Eddy, his name is Eddy. You met him last month at the tour launch...whatever, he looks just like the rest..."

There was a flush. "No, no, Betty, you know what the saddest thing is?"

The black singer stood in front of the toilet with his dick hanging out, listening intently. This was the real show, right here.

"Y'know what he told me the first time we filmed a scene together? He told me he got into porn so he could meet me!"

A high piercing laugh followed. "HAHAHA...god, it's so PATHETIC!" he sneered, turning on the tap. "Oh...oh yeah, oh, trust me honey, if I didn't have to see him every day on this goddamn tour, I'd feel sorry for him too..."

He pumped the lever on the paper towel dispenser. "Like, how fuckin' clueless are you? Did you think I was your Prince Charming, taking you to happily ever after?"

Simon closed his eyes.

Benjamin's tone turned serious as he began walking out of the washroom. "No, Betty, this isn't a fucking joke. This is thousands of dollars on the line he's fucking with...he...listen, he...he needs to know what he's gotten himself into. I swear, if he burns out or gets fucked up because he can't handle..." The door swung close with a squeak.

After waiting a bit longer, Simon zipped up and exited the stall. He looked in the mirror and stood still for a moment, before washing his hands.

When he went back to find Luke, Simon saw the editor-in-chief chatting with Electric Blew. Luke introduced Simon to the drag queen, then walked the musician over to the bar.

"Another drink?" Luke asked.

Simon shook his head. "I'm good, thanks."

"Yeah, let's get outta here."

The street was just as busy as before when they descended the stairs from Glory Bar. Though it was below freezing, the temperature didn't seem to stop everyone from getting their party on.

"So Imran would really like to meet you," Luke said.

"Imran?"

"Yeah, my boyfriend."

"Oh," Simon remarked. "Yeah, he's in town, just got back from Ibiza. He does lighting for festivals around the world so he's constantly flying everywhere." Luke paused and glanced at Simon. "He's worked with all the big DJs: Tiësto, Aoki, Avicii. You'd like him," the slim bear promised with a wink.

"Hmm," the musician responded with raised eyebrows.

"C'mon," the slim bear encouraged with a wave of his hand.

"Luke," Simon said. "Thanks for the invite, but I'm gonna go home."

"Oh?" Luke tilted his head. "Are you really going home this time?"

The singer chuckled. "Goodnight, Luke. I'll see you tomorrow..." He started walking away. "Around eleven..."

Simon was smiling. He felt a new sense of clarity. It was a good idea after all to have gone out drinking with Luke, not because of the sex show, not because of the possibility of hooking up with Luke and his sure-to-be-sexy boyfriend.

No, it was Eddy, and Benjamin's true nature that he needed. They were like fragments of truth that reflected Simon's misguided relationship with Jae. And he was sure how he wanted to address this problem: not by playing games like Luke had suggested, but by being honest and confronting Jae face-to-face.

He took out his phone and dialled the Korean jock's number. He was ready.

"Hey Simon," Jae answered in an eager tone.

"Hi Jae. How are you?"

"I'm good, man. I'm glad you called back."

"Yeah, I did," Simon said with a smile.

"Listen, Simon, I need to tell you that I'm really sorry for what I did. I know I fucked up..."

"Jae, Jae," the musician interrupted.

"Yeah?"

"Why don't we talk in person?"

Simon could hear the surprise in Jae's response. "Sure man, of course. Wanna come over?"

"I...I'd prefer to meet at the 24-hour place not far from your house," the singer suggested. "Or, if you know of..."

"Okay, sure. I'll meet you there in five."

"Make that fifteen," Simon added.

"Okay, yeah. See you soon."

When Simon arrived at the 24-hour resto café, Jae had already gotten a table on the second floor. The athletic Asian got up and was about to hug Simon, but hesitated, unsure if it would be all right. Simon then took the initiative and wrapped his arms around Jae's brawny body.

"Were you getting ready for bed?" Simon asked as they sat down.

"Oh no, I was studying for my chartered accountant exam."

"Oh. How's that going?"

Jae leaned back, arms resting on top of his head. "It's tough, man. It's a lot of material. I'm in a cool study group though."

The server came by and Simon ordered green tea. Then he continued his conversation with Jae.

"And how's work going?"

The young hunk groaned. "I'm so fuckin' overworked. Y'know how it is: I'm the junior so I get all the busy work. And I'm still learning, so I have to do shit over sometimes."

"Aww..."

"On weekends, I have to study for the exam, whenever I have free time basically." He took a gulp from his mug.

"Is that coffee?" Simon asked.

"Yeah. I gotta stay awake. More studying when I get back."

Simon leaned forward. "Oh, well, I won't keep you for much longer..."

This made Jae emphatically shake his head. "No, dude, it's all good! I wanna be here."

Their eyes met. Then the kettle of green tea arrived.

Simon was losing the impetus that compelled him to face Jae and tell him everything he'd been feeling. But he willed himself to go on, as uncomfortable and scary as it felt.

"So, I called you because I wanted to talk," the musician continued, pouring himself a cup. "...about last week."

There was a pause.

"I...I guess I wanna say that..."

Jae awaited Simon's stammering words.

The singer set down the tea kettle. "I can't do whatever it is we've been doing," he confessed with a frown, looking at the young jock.

"Okay..." Jae responded with raised eyebrows.

"I..." The musician took a big breath. "The thing is, I realized I'd fallen for you, and that's why everything at the party affected me so much."

Jae was silent, listening.

"You did nothing wrong. I mean, you..."

At this, the Asian hunk interjected, "No, I was an asshole. I honestly don't know why it seemed like a good idea when Tyler suggested a threesome..."

Immediately, Simon looked around the café to see if anyone heard what Jae just said.

"I guess I got too drunk to make the right call. It was my bad. And you have every right to be mad at me."

Simon cast his gaze down at the table.

"But it really only hurt me because I'm...I was in love with you."

He found it hard to meet Jae's eyes in that moment, so he concentrated on spitting out the words he needed to say, while staring at the tabletop.

"You're such a great guy. You're so easy to be around, and you're funny, and you're always positive. You've really affected me in a good way."

He felt Jae reach for his hand on the table; quickly, Simon retracted his fingers.

"But I can't just be friends with you."

The black singer shook his head weakly, weighed down by the sadness in his heart. This could be the end of their friendship, the last time they ever see each other. "I can't."

"I'm sorry," Jae offered again.

His voice was low and monotone, drained of the infectious energy that seemed to always be part of his character.

"I understand if you don't wanna see me anymore," he continued, a hint of sadness creeping into his tone.

They fell silent, looking down on the aged wooden surface of the table. Simon wiped away a tear with his finger and took a deep breath.

The static, wordless moment lingered. Then Jae got up.

"I won't keep you..." he muttered, his eyes avoiding contact.

"But I do wanna see you!" Simon uttered hastily.

They looked at each other, trapped in uncertainty. Slowly, Jae sat back down.

Simon's hands were cold, so he gripped the warm teacup. "Did you ever..." The singer forced himself to look at Jae. "Did you ever have any feelings..."

The young Korean's eyes seemed to lose focus for a second, as if they were lost in a mystery.

"Maybe..." Jae slowly replied. "I don't know..."

Simon wanted to push Jae further, to get a concrete answer out of him. But he knew it could also push him away.

"Do you still wanna see me?" Simon asked.

"Yeah, of course," Jae insisted, leaning forward. "But..."

This time, Simon reached forth and grabbed Jae's hand.

"I'm not asking for anything. I'm not gonna force you to make a decision."

A confused frown crossed Jae's face. "But...how is this gonna work?"

Simon swallowed. "I know maybe you can't tell right now, or maybe you never thought about it, but..."

He gently tightened his grip on Jae's hand. "Do you think maybe there's a chance, in the future, that you could see me as more than a friend?"

The black musician held his breath as Jae pondered the question.

Jae's words came bit by bit. "Maybe...maybe I already have..."

He looked at Simon, fidgety. "I've never had a friend like you before. I've never had sex..."

"Me neither," Simon concurred.

Jae continued, "I don't wanna be an asshole."

"Of course not," Simon followed.

After another period of quiet, Jae asked, "So, what...what do we do?"

Simon had came here to face his issue and get everything off his chest; he assumed the answer to his problem would reveal itself afterwards. Instead, it felt like they were back at square one.

"I don't know," Simon confessed, looking at their joined hands.

'At least he still wants me in his life,' he thought.

"I should let you get back to studying," the musician followed.

"I'll call you later...if you want," Jae offered as they stood up and hugged goodbye.

"Sure," Simon answered with a smile. He felt Jae's strong arms tighten around him, and he reciprocated the embrace.

-----

The next day, Simon went to work feeling refreshed. Sure, he had to work on a Saturday, but he felt proud for stepping up to the plate instead of running away from his problem. Though the outcome wasn't clear-cut, at least they knew where each other stood. It was a big step for Simon towards respecting and loving himself.

When he finished work around five in the evening, he thought he'd give Richie a call, to see if he would be up to hang out. It turned out that his blond friend was stressing out over holiday shopping, and he promptly agreed to meet up for dinner.

They met at a Japanese eatery and caught up with each other. Simon told Richie everything that happened the night before, from going out for drinks with Luke, the live sex show, overhearing Benjamin Bonn's bitchiness, to confronting Jae.

Richie smiled warmly when Simon finished retelling his eventful night.

"Kudos to you, gurl!!" the blond toasted, clinking their teacups.

"Thanks."

"I'm so proud of you. I mean, you know what I would've done..." Richie remarked with a wink.

"Yeah...get to know Imran!" the older musician jabbed. They both laughed.

"And then try to get into Jae's pants again! Don't forget that!"

"Oh goodness..." Simon sighed, chuckling.

"But what you did was ten times better," Richie continued, his tone turning sincere. "You did what you really needed to do. You had to talk to Jae. And you did."

"Thanks," Simon said, blushing.

Richie popped a piece of sushi into his mouth. "So...are you going to get into Jae's pants again??" he asked after swallowing.

"Goodness, Richie!" Simon exclaimed. The blond responded with a cheeky smirk.

The singer resumed, "I dunno...I dunno where we stand. Or, I mean, I know where we stand, but where we go from here..." He picked at his bento box. "It's up to him."

Then he looked up. "Actually, it's up to me," he finished with a spreading smile.

"What if he sleeps with another guy? Or girl?" Richie questioned. "Wait, would that make a difference?"

"It wouldn't," Simon replied, looking back down at his dinner. "And I don't think I could handle that."

The younger blond raised his eyebrows. "So it's either he becomes your boyfriend, or that's it," Richie spelled out.

Simon was hit by how black-and-white it was. "Is that really it, though?"

"Well..." Richie began, but his ringing phone interrupted him. "Oh, it's Danny," he remarked, picking up the call. "Hey you."

Simon watched as Richie's expression turned to concern.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

The musician waited.

"What?!" Richie suddenly exclaimed. "What happened??"

The blond shot a worried glance at the musician. Simon silently mouthed, "What is it?"

"Danny...Danny," the blond interjected. "Can you come to Gyoza? I'm here with Simon. Or do you want us to come pick you up? Let's talk in person..."

Richie listened to his best friend's response at the other end of the line. "Okay, okay. Take your time. We'll be here. Text me if anything."

"What is it?" Simon asked cautiously as Richie hung up.

"He just broke up with Roberto," the younger blond replied, confused.

"Oh my goodness..."

Simon thought back to the last time he hung out with Danny along with Richie, to see if there were any indications that things would take such a sudden and drastic turn. He remembered hearing that Danny didn't enjoy going to the gym with Roberto, and he urged the copywriter to talk to his boyfriend about it. It didn't strike Simon as something that could lead to such a quick breakup, at least on its own.

When Danny arrived, his eyes were puffy from crying and his head hung low. Richie went up to embrace him.

"Do you want some dumplings?" the blond offered as they sat down.

"I'm not hungry," Danny muttered.

"You should eat, though. We'll order you dumplings." Danny stared blankly at the dessert card on the table, and leaned against Richie's shoulder. The latter gestured to Simon to call for the server.

"Can we get an order of dumplings and another green tea, please?" Simon asked.

Richie offered his tea to Danny. They sat wordlessly while upbeat J-pop music played in the background.

After a spell of mute withdrawal, the copywriter straightened up on the booth seat. "I guess you wanna know what happened," he began.

"If you don't wanna talk about it right now, that's fine," Richie assured.

"No, I should," Danny sighed. "It'll help me deal with it."

The dumplings arrived and the copywriter stared at it. Simon wasn't sure if Danny was thinking about eating one, or thinking about what had just happened with Roberto, or if perhaps the dumplings served as a metaphor for the breakup. Basically, the musician couldn't wait to hear the story.

Danny took a breath and began his story. "So I got home from the coffee shop and Roberto was waiting for me with this funny look on his face. He was home a lot earlier than I expected. There was luggage in the kitchen."

He took a sip of tea and went on. "He asked, 'Where've you been?' like he was a bit anxious, and I said, 'Nowhere'...and then he pulled out a rose from his back and said, 'Happy anniversary, baby'."

"Oh," Richie noted.

"I didn't think it was that time already...I mean, I can't believe it still...he told me he started counting from when we first talked to each other at the garage."

Richie briefly recalled all the ups and down that his best friend had already experienced since his first talk with Roberto a year ago: the whirlwind romance, the tension with Danny's mother, the (first) sudden breakup, and the ensuing fall out of Danny's friendship with Richie earlier in the year.

"I thanked him for the rose and we kissed. And then he told me he had a surprise for me."

The brunet finally picked up a dumpling and began eating. "He booked a weekend getaway behind my back. We were gonna go to a hotel a few hours away...and then check out the racetrack."

"The racetrack??" Richie questioned.

Simon could see emotion welling up in Danny's face. "He said he wanted to show me what motorcycle racing is like, and how amazing it is. But all I could think of was just, what the fuck? And then it hit me that that he's been racing behind my back."

Danny put down his chopsticks. "He swore that he hasn't gotten back on a bike, but then I find out he's been to the racetrack twice already!" He looked at Richie in shock, as if reliving the fight.

"Once during the Big Fair, the second time just last week. And THEN I find out he's been talking to Nadia this whole time!!" The copywriter buried his face in his hands.

"Who's Nadia?" Richie asked. He held Danny as the brunet sobbed quietly.

"His old racing teacher. I was scared she was gonna take him away..." Danny squeezed his eyes shut. "He promised me he wouldn't. He lied to me!!"

"Oh no..." Simon whispered.

"We started shouting at each other. I couldn't understand why he would lie to me...HOW could he??" Danny stared at Richie as if his best friend would have an answer. "And why would he go back to racing?? It's so dangerous!"

"Did he tell you why?" Richie asked.

"No...I asked him what else he's been lying about, and instead of answering me honestly, he turned the tables on me. He asked me where I've been after work and I said, 'Nowhere', and he said, 'If you had nothing to hide, you'd just tell me.'"

Richie and Simon were beginning to grasp the layered complexity of the situation. "Danny, why don't we take a break? Here, have some more dumplings," the blond suggested.

But his best friend vehemently shook his head and went on, with tears running down his face. "And I told him, 'Sorry I'm not as good of a liar as you are.' I said, 'I go to the mall after work 'cos I can't handle going to the gym with you anymore!' I..."

A hint of shame crossed Danny's face. "I even called in sick once..."

Richie rubbed the brunet's back. "I couldn't handle it...I hate going to the gym!" Danny exclaimed. "I feel so weak and ugly, and I just feel like I'm not good enough for him..."

"Oh Danny..." Simon sighed, reaching over to hold his hand.

"And I told him, if racing is that important to you, then just go, go back to Nadia. Just leave."

Danny was shaking slightly, trying to hold it together.

"He looked at me...like the way he looked at me when he found me in the bathhouse, after our first breakup. He looked at me and said he needed to do this, and he needed me to come with him."

The distraught brunet shook his head at the recollection. "I told him I don't want anything to do with racing or Nadia, ever. And then...'"

A pained sob escaped Danny's lips. "And then I said maybe we should break up."