Mechanics of the Heart Ch. 07

Richie and Simon were both stunned into frozen silence.

Danny took one of the napkins and blotted his face. Gradually, his breathing calmed down.

"He asked me one more time to come with him. I said no. And then he left and said he'll be back tomorrow night."

Simon closed his eyes and held Danny's hand tightly.

Wordless rumination followed. Minutes later, when the brunet broke the lull, he looked up at Richie and Simon. "Should I have gone with him? Should I not have said, 'Let's break up'?"

Richie leaned in and looked at Danny. "I really think you guys need to talk calmly when he gets back." The blond squeezed Danny's shoulders. "You guys just had a serious fight, and I really wish he didn't run off like that, but..."

Danny looked at his best friend sadly. "I think it's too late," he whispered.

His eyes were closed as he breathed, "I think...I think it's over," He couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"No, Danny, it doesn't have to be," Richie corrected, gripping Danny's arms. "You guys are going through some problems, but you still love each other, right?"

And then Danny delivered the line that utterly broke Simon's heart.

"I love him, but I don't think I'm good enough for him."

The black singer jumped in. "No, Danny, don't think like that," he urged.

"No, it's true," the copywriter insisted. "He deserves someone better. He should be with someone who's more mature, someone better looking, someone his equal, in every way."

Danny's low self-esteem made Richie realize that there was a much bigger, more fundamental issue to deal with than saving Danny's relationship with Roberto. For all the years he's known the brunet, confidence was never his strong suit; now, it had finally translated into a heartbreaking consequence.

Danny hugged Richie, then reached for Simon's hand and squeezed it warmly.

"I should get back and pack," Danny said, sniffling.

"You mean unpack. The luggage?" Richie asked.

"No," Danny corrected. "I have to go. I have to leave."

"Leave??" Richie asked, astonished.

"I can't stay there anymore. Not like this," he muttered, getting up.

Richie immediately pulled him back down. "But where, Danny?? Where are you going to stay? Are you going to go back to your parents'?"

The brunet scoffed derisively. "No. My mom will never shut up about it." Then he stared blankly at a distance. "I...I was thinking I'll just stay at a motel for a week, until I can find a new place."

Richie thought that was the most foolish and insane thing he'd ever heard from Danny. He looked at Simon desperately, hoping he had a way to stall Danny from his rash decision, if not change his mind.

The musician thought quickly and spoke up. "Danny, if you're really sure you want to go through with this, maybe...maybe I can help you find a place."

"Oh yeah?" Danny responded, hopeful.

"Yeah, well, I know one of the bachelor apartments upstairs from mine will be vacant soon. My neighbour is leaving at the end of the month. I can help you look into that, if you want."

"Really??"

Richie interrupted, "But are you sure about this?" He looked hard at his best friend.

Danny nodded firmly.

The musician continued. "And, if you don't mind, you can crash at my place for a bit. It's small, but I think it's better than you staying at a motel. Even if you decide not to take the apartment upstairs."

Danny's eyes widened. He had long gotten over his initial misgivings about Simon, and they'd been getting along great ever since, but he was still taken aback by how open and generous his new friend was.

"Really, Simon? Are you sure??"

Simon was sure as soon as he heard Danny's struggle with his self-esteem. He recognized a piece of his own struggle within Danny.

The trio of friends left the restaurant soon afterwards to help Danny pack and move out of Roberto's apartment. It was a subdued affair, all of them quietly reeling from what had just happened, and what they were doing.

When they were ready to go an hour later, Danny held his emotions in check as best he could, and did one final check in Roberto's apartment for any lingering belongings. It was his second time moving out this year; he wondered if it would be as difficult every time in the future.

A few minutes later, Danny joined his friends out in the hallway and locked Roberto's apartment door. Richie was on the phone to update Trevor on where he was and what he was doing.

"Let's go," the brunet said.

They took a taxi to Simon's bachelor pad. When they arrived, they promptly moved Danny's things up into the small apartment. He would basically be living out of his luggage and boxes for a while, but at least he had a roof over his head, and he was with a friend, a surprisingly hospitable one.

While Simon called his landlady about the vacancy upstairs, Richie sat down with Danny.

"How're you feeling?"

"Better...I think," Danny said. "It's weird, and crazy."

He gave Richie a long hug. "Thanks for being here."

"No problem," Richie replied. "Trevor's excited he gets to watch a documentary that would put me to sleep."

Danny was so wrapped up in his own drama that he forgot about Richie's life with his boyfriend. "Omigod, I'm so sorry..." he groaned. "Go home, go home."

"Psst...he's having the time of his life watching this fishing boat break waves and...catch fish and whatever." The blond rolled his eyes. "Hey, is anyone hungry? We should cook something," he said as Simon got off the phone.

"Sure," the musician answered with a smile. "And I have good news: the apartment is ready for January 1st."

Danny felt warmth and gratitude as he smiled and said thank you to Simon.

"Time for a chips and pasta fest!" Richie declared and whooped. He looked at Simon and added, "Chips and pasta and hummus fest?"

They went to the supermarket that was open till midnight to get ingredients for a fettuccine with brussels sprouts and mushrooms. Danny felt a lot better now, being with good friends and looking forward to helping out in the kitchen.

When they got back, Simon put on a dance playlist and the trio got down to making their late-night meal. The vibe was jovial, a complete 180-degree turn from before. In about 30 minutes, their piping hot pasta bowl was ready, and everyone dug in.

Amidst discussing celebrity gossip and the next movie they would like to see, Danny, Richie, and Simon finished all of the food quickly. It seemed the heavy emotions and heavy moving from earlier in the evening had carved out a mighty appetite. After the meal, as they washed and cleaned up, Richie got a text, the latest in a string of notifications over the night.

"Well, this is new," he said out loud. "He's moved on from describing every scene in the doc in detail, to pestering me about when I'll come home."

"Trevor wants some bow chicka wow wow," Simon teased, emulating vinyl record scratching.

"Go home, go home," Danny urged, turning Richie away from the kitchen sink.

"All right, all right. He probably wants a back massage before bed," the blond guessed, putting on his shoes.

"Say hi to him for me," Danny said. "And..." He grabbed Richie in a tight embrace. "Thank you for spending your night with me."

His best friend wrapped his hands around Danny's cheeks. "Anytime. Call me tomorrow,"

"Okay."

"Bye, girls!" Richie exclaimed as he opened the front door.

A moment of awkwardness followed Richie's farewell.

"Well, I guess I'll get ready for bed. I'll be quick," Simon said, heading to the bathroom.

"No need to hurry," Danny insisted. While Simon was in the bathroom, the copywriter changed into his pajamas.

Simon had a futon that came in handy whenever a friend wanted to sleep over. Danny helped him fold it out, then sat down on it. He saw Simon do the same.

"Go sleep on the bed," Simon urged.

"No no, it's okay..."

"I was planning on sleeping on the futon anyway. Go sleep on the bed."

Danny pleaded, "Oh, I can't..."

"Yes you can," the musician quipped, flopping down on the futon. "Too late."

Danny gave up with a chuckle and walked over to the bed. He wanted to ask Simon why he was being so nice to him, but he thought it would come off ungrateful.

"Good night. Hopefully you'll sleep okay in a new bed."

"Good night, Simon," Danny replied. "...and, thank you, again."

Simon smiled and closed his eyes.

The musician was awoken hours later by muffled sobbing. At first he panicked, thinking a scene from a ghost movie was coming true. And then he remembered that Danny was here, and he recalled everything that he'd just went through.

"Danny, are you okay?" Simon asked, sitting up.

The brunet coughed. "Sorry..." He blew his nose. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"Would you like a glass of water?" the black singer asked.

Danny replied, "Please, go back to bed. I'm okay."

But his host was already up and in the kitchen. Simon soon sat down on the bed facing Danny, and handed his friend a glass of water.

"Thanks," Danny meekly replied. He felt guilty and embarrassed.

"Do you wanna talk for a bit?" Simon asked gently.

"It's late," Danny answered after taken a sip. "I don't wanna keep you up."

"Well, tomorrow's Sunday, so unless you're a morning person, I was planning on sleeping in," the musician said with a grin.

Danny giggled. "Why are you being so nice to me?" he suddenly blurted out.

Simon turned on the lamp beside the bed. "Well..."

"Sorry, I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate it," Danny elaborated. "I do. Just..." The younger gay gestured around the bachelor pad. "You didn't have to invite me here."

"No, but I wanted to."

Simon paused; he thought about how to articulate his rationale.

The singer began slowly. "I...I guess I wanted to help you because I've been through what you're going through."

He clarified, "Well...not exactly. I've never had a boyfriend. But, when you said, um, that you didn't feel you were good enough, I knew exactly how you felt."

"Really?" Danny asked, a bit surprised.

"Yeah...it's something I've been dealing with my whole life."

Danny sat up and listened attentively.

"I've fallen for the wrong guys all my life, and it was like I never learned my lesson." The 31 year-old looked out the window behind the bed. "Even if they were straight guys...and most of them were...I still fell for them and accepted whatever I could get from them."

Simon continued, "Sometimes it was just a one-sided crush. One time I told this guy and he was okay with it, but he wasn't interested in more than just friends. And then the last two times, man..." The musician whistled. "I let this straight guy use me."

"Like, sexually?" Danny asked.

"No, that was the most recent time," Simon corrected with a chuckle. "Jesse...he was my old boss. He would tease me with the possibility that...we could be more. He played me to get me to do all the boring and stressful work, like, doing the paperwork or the cold calling. And just ridiculous hours."

Simon swallowed and fiddled with his hands. "And then I finally woke up one day and I realized...I realized that he was never going to change. He was never going to love me. I wasted two years of my life, and I still didn't learn my lesson," Simon chuckled sadly.

Danny thought about it. He could see himself in a similar predicament, if he hadn't met Roberto.

"Then the last guy...his name's Jae. Actually, we're still friends..." he paused. "It's complicated," Simon finished while rolling his eyes. The two of them shared a quiet laugh.

"What was his problem?" Danny questioned.

"Well, it wasn't just his problem. It was mine. See, that's what I was having trouble with...I still am, but I'm working on it."

"Working on what?"

Simon shuddered a bit as he expressed himself. "That I deserve better. That I do deserve love. It took me so long before I realized. And I let them walk all over me, because I was scared that no one would want me. And I think that fear came from the fact that I didn't think I was good enough."

The 23 year-old brunet looked at Simon, breathless, mouth open.

"If you can't love yourself, how can you love somebody else?" Simon asked. He wasn't sure if he was asking Danny or himself. "As cliché as it sounds..."

Danny couldn't hold it in anymore. He burst out into sobs.

"Danny??"

"No...I'm..." The young brunet tried to signal through his waving hands that he wasn't crying because he was upset. He was shedding tears because it was as if Simon had read his mind and voiced his deepest thoughts. The crying was a much-needed release not only for everything he'd gone through in the last 24 hours, but for all the baggage he'd accumulated throughout his life.

Simon realized his eyes was a bit moist as well. Everything he said wasn't just advice to Danny; it was advice for himself, too. He held his friend quietly as Danny's sobbing subsided.

After a wordless spell, the copywriter said, "You're totally right."

"I always thought that my relationship had to be perfect," Danny continued. "But it wasn't the relationship...it wasn't just the relationship that was the problem."

He looked at Simon with a new light in his eyes. "It was me. I have to start with me. If I can't love myself, how can I love Roberto?"

"And," Simon added,"If you love yourself, you'd think you ARE good enough."

Danny looked at Simon sadly. "How do I do that?"

"Well, why do you think you're not good enough for Roberto?"

"Because I'm too young, and I don't have a good body," Danny began. "I don't know how to cook, and..."

"I don't think he has a problem with any of those things," Simon interjected. "Or else he wouldn't have talked to you in the first place. Or asked you to move in with him."

Danny blinked.

"So, the problem is how you see yourself," Simon continued. "Nobody's perfect. And I think...I think what's important is to look at your faults, be honest about them," he continued. "And then...just, work on improving them, right? And if you need help, ask."

"I guess..." Danny muttered. He piped up a moment later, "But Roberto is so perfect...why would he love a guy like me?"

Simon grinned. "You can't explain love, can you? How can you explain why you love someone?"

"Sure I can," Danny countered. "I love Roberto because he's really hot, he makes me feel happy, and he's good to me."

"Well, there you go," Simon said. "And I'm sure he feels the same about you."

"I guess," Danny conceded hesitantly. Quietly, he added, "All I see are my faults though."

Simon shifted his sitting stance and faced Danny. "Okay, well, let's look at what you just said are your faults. You said you're too young for him...what if he doesn't think so?"

"But I made him mad one time. I wouldn't if I was more mature."

"Did you apologize?"

"Yes."

"Did you learn what to do next time?"

"Yes."

"Good. That means you're learning and getting more mature. Now, let me ask you this: has he ever made you mad?"

"Yeah."

"Well, there you go. He has to learn too. See, you guys are equal."

Danny thought that was too simple to be true. "But...I'm not as hot as him," he whined.

"Well, that's just what you think. What if Roberto thinks you're hot just the way you are?"

"But everyone at the gym he talks to has an amazing body, and they all want him, I can tell..."

"And who is he dating?" Simon asked with raised eyebrow.

That shut Danny up. He blushed and looked down.

"I know it's easy to just see your faults and not your strengths. I have the same problem, and I'm working on it too," Simon sighed. "But you're intelligent, Danny, and you're nice. You're a good friend, and you're cute," the musician noted. "Why wouldn't Roberto love you?"

"Stop it," Danny giggled.

"Oh," Simon exclaimed. "And cooking is easy to learn. You can practice here as much as you want," he affirmed with a wide grin.

"Maybe I will," Danny said, his expression brightening up. He leaned forward and grabbed his friend in a tight hug. Simon's words were exactly what he needed to hear, to start seeing himself in a new light.

"Thank you," he breathed.

"I think Roberto loves you the way you are," Simon said. "You just have to do the same, okay?"

Danny nodded. Simon nodded too, urging himself to take his own advice.

-----

They say you never forget how to ride a bike.

As soon as Roberto zipped himself into his leather bodysuit, then put on his boots, gloves and helmet, it was as if he'd never stopped racing.

He rolled up his motorcycle to the starting line and leaned down, his stomach flat against the metallic two-wheeled body. He paid no attention to the racer on his left; he was searching for an answer within himself.

Roberto's eyes centred on the racing lights, while his right hand revved the engine. One by one, the amber bulbs lit up and counted down, until the green light shone at the bottom. Then he took off.

Disengage the clutch; shift gears; rev the engine; re-engage the clutch. He repeated the precise, rapid-fire sequence every time the rpm needle hit the sweet spot.

The night wind howled as it whipped past his helmet, singing in furious harmony with the lively snarl of the bike. He accelerated through the quarter-mile at breakneck speed, then crossed the finish line before the racer to his left.

When he returned to the crew pit, Nadia and Olivier met him with smiles.

"7.3255 seconds, 180mph," Nadia said to Roberto after he took off his helmet.

Olivier gave the mechanic a hearty pat on his back. "You'll be in the Top 16 for sure, my friend!"

"Thanks," Roberto replied, meeting Nadia's eyes. "But I gotta go."

Both Nadia and Olivier's face expressed surprise.

"But you're just getting started..." the Swiss banker began; Nadia promptly stopped him with a glance and a tug on his elbow.

"Thank you again for this," the mechanic said, giving the silver Suzuki Hayabusa one more look.

"Anytime," Nadia offered. "It's your bike."

Roberto shook his head. "You know I can't accept that..."

Nadia interrupted. "It's yours, and it's here whenever you want to ride it."

The mechanic smiled and gave the Vice President of Racing Events a hug.

"Roberto, my speedy friend," Olivier sighed as he embraced the mechanic. "Please, you're welcome to come back anytime. Nadia misses you, you know? And we would like to meet Danny!"

The mention of his beloved's name stung Roberto in the heart. He nodded, then waved goodbye to the pair.

The two-hour drive back home felt like it would never end. While zooming past other drivers in his red Mitsubishi Lancer, he thought about his apology to Danny. He didn't want to get choked up and mess up the words; he needed to fully express what he felt.

He'd found his answer: Danny was more important to him than racing. The French-Chinese brunet was the centre of his world now, along with the garage. Racing was the old him; like Nadia had said when they had seen each other again at the sports bar, he'd changed.

When he finally got back on a bike and raced down the quarter-mile, the all-consuming adrenaline rush and boundless freedom he'd anticipated didn't manifest themselves. It turned out that racing didn't thrill him the same way anymore. Or, maybe he was no longer satisfied with thrills. He needed meaning, substance, and purpose, things that being in a serious, long-term relationship with Danny offered.

Roberto still enjoyed the run down the quarter-mile, but he was now ready to give it up for Danny. He was ready to do anything for him and their relationship. He would work on their problems, even though he had no idea what he was doing--and he was ready to admit that, too. It would be hard, but he now knew it was worth it to keep trying.

So when Roberto arrived at his apartment and Danny and his belongings were nowhere to be found, the mechanic lost it. It seemed the challenges just kept on coming. His hand was shaking as he called the brunet.