Mellow Yellow Ch. 19

My name is Melinda Tran thi Mei-Ling. Although I was a student of literature at the university in my native Vietnam, I have never tried my hand at writing a story. Please be patient with this my first effort at writing. Why am I setting down this chapter of the Mellow Yellow series and not my husband Paul? The reason is that what I am about to tell you is too shameful for me to tell Paul. What is not shameful to me would crush Paul's male ego, if he should ever learn the truth about what happened. Can we agree between us that this story will remain the hidden chapter of Mellow Yellow? If you agree to keep this secret for me, please proceed to the rest of this story.

Since this story is a secret, I will tell it to you in the form of three confessions made in secret. There are three confessions because the story is about a ménage à trois. As a mother of four children and happily married to a wonderful man, I am not proud of my part in this. However, I hope that, when you have finished, you will understand me better and understand the events that occurred in the house of Melinda and Paul.

1. Vanessa's Confession

Vanessa mounted the steps of Our Lady of Luzon Roman Catholic Church. She had deliberately arrived early because what she had to say to the priest would not come easily or quickly. She checked out the row of confessionals. Oh shit! Father Reynaldo was the only priest on duty. He was nosey and he gave out lengthy penances to women. In fact, it was rumoured among her fellow nannies that Father Reynaldo hated women. Vanessa had heard as well from the altar boys that Father Reynaldo was a "funny uncle" priest. Definitely, Father Reynaldo had no use for women.

Despite the dread she had of this moment, Vanessa was determined to go through with it, Father Reynaldo or not. She entered the empty booth, knelt down and slid the panel open. At least Father Reynaldo spoke Tagalog. Vanessa could explain her sins in her mother tongue, which would make the confession easier.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

"How long has it been since your last confession, my daughter"

"Six months, Father."

"And what sins have you committed in these past six months, my daughter?"

"I have committed sins of lust, fornication, envy, adultery and the sin of Onan. I have lain with a man who is the husband of another woman."

"That's quite a list of sins, my daughter. Shall we begin with the fornication and adultery? How many times, my daughter?"

"Um, let's see. Three or four times a week over 26 weeks. Can we use a hundred times as a round number, Father?"

"One hundred times you committed adultery with this man? That's terrible. Don't you have any remorse for the woman you wronged?"

"Not at all, Father. In fact, she wanted me to and I complied with her wishes because I love and admire her so much. Can we discuss the sin of lust first and then you will understand the situation?"

"Please go ahead and explain. My head is spinning from what you're telling me."

"I came to this country in the middle of winter on a very cold day. When I left Manila, the temperature was 30 degrees and I arrived in Canada in temperatures well below zero. This country was so strange compared to the Philippines that I began to tremble as I left the airplane. I didn't see any other Filipinos in the whole airport – most people were white but there were a few black and yellow faces but not one I could identify of the Malay race. Every face was so unsmiling. It seemed like Canadians don't enjoy life as we do in the Philippines.

"I found my new employers at the luggage conveyor. Even my new employers looked strange to me. No, they were not strange as in ugly. In fact, the woman was exceedingly beautiful, even if she wasn't a Filipina. No, the strangeness was that the man was white and the woman was yellow. I had not been informed by my agency that I would be working for an interracial couple."

"On our way to where their vehicle was parked, my new employers tried to make me happy with their words but I heard nothing. Their words were hidden behind white clouds coming from their mouths. I have never seen snow before in my life and I thought that it was horrible how it made everything white and featureless. I was cold and miserable and I missed the lush colours of my homeland. Would I ever again see the green palms of my island and smell the scent of papaya blossoms in the morning?"

"When I arrived at my employer's house, I just went to my room, sat down on the side of the bed and cried. Then the strangest thing happened to me. The woman I work for came over to me, sat down beside me, hugged me and spoke comforting words to me."

"Hasn't anyone ever comforted you before, my daughter? It sounds like a very Christian act on the part of the woman."

"Again, you misunderstand what I mean by strange, Father. What I mean is that, when the woman put her arms around me, a feeling of lust welled up within my soul for her. I never felt such sexual desire for any person in my life. As a teenager, I had no interest in boys the way most teenage girls do and the sex act was unthinkable. Yet, now my panties were becoming wet in the arms of this Vietnamese woman. Oh, how radiant and gentle her face and soft her hands…."

"You promised fornication and adultery and yet you are telling me you lust for a woman."

"As a little girl, I was different from the other little girls. I liked the games that the boys played and I usually joined them. I never liked to play with other girls. That was until we became teenagers and the boys realized that I was physically different from them and tried to touch me. After that, I stayed away from the boys. I was just not interested in any physical contact with men. The teenage girls always talked about how they liked the boys and how they would like to have sex with so-and-so. I could never see myself with a man but, for some reason, I was interested in what the men were supposed to do to these girls. I only realized why was the way I was when the woman hugged me."

"But the man forced himself on you, didn't he? Is that how the fornication and adultery happened?"

"Not at all, Father. My employers were kind and thoughtful to me. The man never touched me. I wish I could say that he had eyes only for his beautiful wife but I noticed that he often looked at my body appreciatively. He is after all a man. However, he kept his hands to himself for many months, something I appreciated. I desired to be close to the woman and to feel her hands upon me."

"The woman appreciated my work and my help around the house. I decided to keep my sexual desires submerged but to be with her as much as possible. I became her close confidant and best friend. Yes, I was falling in love for the first time in my life. I thought that, if I could relate to her well enough, she might even desire me as her lover. My strategy worked because our conversation became more and more intimate. She revealed to me that she has a friend in Hong Kong, whom she e-mails regularly. They share all kinds of sexual secrets they never tell their husbands. I think she told me about her friend because she was trying to discover my sexual secrets. One day she asked me:"

"'Vanessa, why don't you ever talk about your sex life. I want to share with you the same way my friend Sui-Beng and I do. Tell me, how do Filipino guys fuck? How good are they? Have you ever fucked a Chinese or a white guy?'"

"I almost blurted out my secret but caught myself. 'I can't answer any of your questions Mrs. Tran. I've never been with any man, white, yellow or brown.'"

"The woman opened her eyes so wide. It was absolutely beyond reason to her that a woman my age could still be a virgin. 'How can you not want to have sex? It's why men and women are made differently. A man and a woman never feel so close as when they are having sex. It's fun. You're not a complete person without it.'"

"I started to explain to her that Filipinos have a different attitude to sex. Most Filipinos are taught that sex is wrong and dirty and to submerge their sexual feelings so that they arrive at the marriage bed virgins. I didn't know how to say that Filipinos are especially prone to submerge any homosexual feelings. I was vague because I wasn't sure how to broach the subject of my sexual orientation and to reveal my sexual feelings for her."

"The woman came to an incorrect conclusion about me. She believed that a lack of first-hand knowledge about sex was at the root of my problems. The woman then showed me how to access dirty pictures on the Internet so I could see how men and women did 'it.' The pictures were technically interesting to me in the sense that I never knew what a penis looked like or what a man used it for. I didn't even know what my parts are used for. Oh Father, my parents never even told me where babies come from. I had to learn that from my girlfriends."

"Although the pictures of men and women were interesting, I discovered dirty pictures of women with women on the Internet. These kinds of pictures aroused me the same way that the first hug from the woman did. I discovered my clitoris on the Internet and how to masturbate in front of the man's computer. The woman found me one day doing myself while surfing the Net but I managed to get rid of the woman's picture from the screen."

"To my surprise, the woman didn't scold me but praised me for my sexual progress. She said, 'Now you're ready for another stage of sexual experience.' She showed me how to find on the computer the erotic stories the man had written. At first, I thought that I would not be interested in the stories because they were all about men with women. But when I read about what the man did to the woman in his stories, I imagined to myself that it was me making love to the woman, not the man. The erotic stories only increased my lust for the woman. The stories also created a desire for erotic literature. I found on the Net the Literotica site. The stories of lesbians became my favourites. I knew now what I was."

Father Reynaldo interrupted, "That was when you first masturbated, committed the sin of Onan?"

"Yes, Father. The Internet introduced me to the sin of Onan. But my search for pornography ended when their daughter began to play games on the computer. The husband bought a Net Nanny and encrypted his erotic stories. I asked the woman what I should do, hoping to play on her sympathy for me and manipulate her. I couldn't afford my own computer, since I sent all my money home to my family in the Philippines. The woman by now considered me such a close friend that she would do anything for me."

"She said, 'I think that you should watch us making love sometime. That way you'll learn that sex between a man and woman is fun, good, exciting, all of these things. Why don't you pretend to go out Saturday night but hide in the back yard? As soon as you see the light go off in my bedroom, come back inside and go to the TV room. I'll seduce my husband on the couch and you can watch from the door. Then you'll get to see real live sex at its best.'"

"I followed her instructions and it was absolutely fascinating how they made love to each other. They were so engrossed in the act that they never saw me standing in the doorway, at least not the man. When he had his head between her legs, I began to have a fantasy that it was my head between her yellow legs and my tongue giving this woman pleasure. My clitoris needed attention but I didn't want to make any sound. Finally, the man plunged his member inside the woman, although I did not see it. I had to run downstairs to my own room. I was so wet between my legs that I had to take care of myself."

"So, Father. I sinned the sin of Onan that night and many nights thereafter. I spent hours with my hand in my crotch, listening to the sound of my employers making love behind closed doors. Finally, I begged the woman to leave open the door. That was when I first saw the man's sexual organ. It seemed to me to be enormous and so long that I thought he would kill the woman. Then I remembered that he had put this organ in the woman before and she was still alive. He did seem to have trouble to put it in the woman because he would slowly put it in and then withdraw it when the woman gasped for breath.

"One thing I didn't understand was the way he put his organ all the way in, withdrew it almost completely and then put it back in again. It was like he found no pleasure inside the woman and kept seeking the pleasure again and again. I would find much pleasure myself by pleasuring the woman. Yet, over and over again he thrust his organ in and out in a seemingly endless quest. There was much I had to learn about sex."

"Finally, the man and woman shuddered and shrieked when they found the mutual pleasure and, yes, I committed the sin of Onan once more. Then the man lay on his back and the woman took the man's member into her mouth and made it long and hard again. She climbed on top of him and sat on him so that his member disappeared again inside of her."

Vanessa heard restless sounds and heavy breathing from Father Reynaldo's side of the confessional and then a cough. "This is interesting, my Daughter, but it doesn't explain how you came to commit fornication and adultery. Did you then join them in their lovemaking?"

"Never, Father. The door was left open thereafter and I spied every night on their intimate moments and I committed only the sin of Onan. How I envied the man! He had access to the woman's body and I was a mere onlooker in these moments. Father, I was tempted to ask if I could join but that would require that I reveal my secret. This evil of mine ended when the woman became pregnant. The woman told me that she didn't like the man to make love to her when her belly was swollen. Then she surprised me."

"'Vanessa, I want you to take care of Paul and have sex with him for the next six months. Don't look at me as if I asked you to do something wrong. It will help us both. You'll overcome your inhibitions and discover what a good screw is like. You'll become a complete woman. So, what do I get out of this? The last time I was pregnant, Paul was SOOOO restless. I know that he's had other women before he met me and that he has to have his pussy regularly. I have a feeling that this time he may do something both of us will regret. If you could take care of Paul for the next six months and, promise me not to get involved with him, it will make this pregnancy worry-free.'"

"Is this an evil thought, Father? I suddenly realized that, if I could study how the man made love, I would discover the things that made him desirable to the woman. Making love to the man would clear my way to the woman's pussy. I would no longer envy the man if I knew what his hold over the woman was. So, I agreed to do this thing. The woman's logic was impeccable and I saw a way of reducing my burden from the sin of envy."

"I formulated a plan to seduce the man based on what I had noticed that he liked about me during the time I had worked for the couple. I put on my tightest pants….."

"I think that you have told me quite enough detail, my daughter. So that is how you came to commit adultery and fornication continuously over six months?"

"Yes, Father, that is how I came to lay with the man and caused him to commit adultery. My sin is the sin of lust, fornication, envy and quite a few of Onan's sins. But I resisted the temptation to lay with the woman, even though the sin of lust is lust for the woman."

"To lay with a woman as if she were a man is an abomination before God."

"Isn't it also an abomination if a man lies with a man as if he were a woman, Father? It's the same thing, isn't it? Aren't I right?"

"Umm, say ten Our Fathers, an equal number of Hail Marys and go and sin no more, my daughter. And please forget about the abominations."

2. Paul's Confession

Paul stood in line in front of the confessional at the Church of the Black Madonna. The events of the past year weighed heavily on his mind. Somehow, he had to rid himself of the demons that had plagued his mind about his affair with Vanessa and his marriage with Melinda. These doubts and questions had arisen even before Vanessa had returned to her homeland in the Philippines.

As the line shortened, Paul noticed that Father Stanislaw was hearing the English confessions. Paul's face brightened. This wouldn't be so bad after all. Father Stan was a real man, not like the stuffy old-before-his-time Father Bogdan. Father Stan would understand. The confessional door opened, the previous penitent scurried off to mass, Paul entered and knelt.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

"How long has it been since your last confession, my son"

"A little over a year. It is because of my sins that I have not sought confession."

"Tell me what you've been up to in the last year but make it snappy, my son. I hate to rush when there's sin to fight but it's getting close to the beginning of Mass and there's a lineup today."

"Father, I have had lustful thoughts about a woman other than my wife."

"It is written in the Holy Word, 'Whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.' Adultery is condemned in the Ten Commandments. Say three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers and go and sin no more. You have been absolved of your sins in the Name….."

"I was about to say that things went beyond mental adultery, Father. The woman is not Polish, in fact she's from the Philippines and…"

"Please. We are all God's children and it doesn't make any difference if you lust for a woman of another race. I have a rule on Sunday mornings and that's one sin per sinner. In your case, make it three Our Fathers for any bonus sins you may have. Please, could you take a hike so I can hear the next confession. By the way, try a cold shower for the lust. It works for me."

3. Melinda's Confession

I didn't go to Church for my confession. I haven't been to Mass since I left my family and my former self behind in Vietnam. Perhaps I am destined forever to be a spiritual boat person, in search of my true self, always a foreigner in a strange land. Perhaps that is why I sought my confessor in my one true friend, who lives in a another strange land. Here is the letter I wrote my one true friend in whom I confide:

Dear Sui-Beng:

I apologize deeply for taking so long to return your last e-mail. Yes, Cadeo is a lovely child. Sometimes after I put him in his crib, I just stand there admiring the little tot's face. As you now know from your own Clarence Shen-Ling, Eurasian babies look more like the Asian side of the family than the European side. I try to see if I can make out the face of my father or mother in my child but all I see is Paul's face with shadows of my own. Yes, we have another beautiful child but I have something more important that we must talk over.

This time I must call upon all your skills as a physician, a psychiatrist and a friend. My thoughts and emotions are so mixed up. I love my husband, Paul as surely as you love your Charles. I love my four children equally as you love your son, Shen-Ling. Yet, I have feelings towards a woman that began as sisterly, caring love but have transformed themselves into lustful fascination. I cannot resolve all my conflicting feelings, especially as one of my feelings is, to quote Oscar Wilde, the love that dare not speak its name.

Remember our nanny, Vanessa? I went against your advice and let her, actually encouraged her, to screw Paul while I was pregnant. Why would I let my husband screw another woman, even if I was incapable of doing the job myself? I have told you about how hung-up Vanessa is on sex and how she arrived in Canada a 25 year-old virgin. You said you weren't surprised because you had analyzed many Filipina patients like that. I thought that, if I could get Vanessa well laid, it would cure her sexual hang-ups. What better expert could I find than Paul and that marvelous white dick of his. If Paul couldn't show Vanessa what good sex was like, nobody could.