Memoirs of a Dreamer Ch. 02

Just as I thought I could wait no longer, he would come to me, wrap me in his embrace and slide his swollen hard cock deep into my dripping pussy. Thrusting hard, he would bury himself with one stroke, and my legs would wrap around him, pulling him deeper. Gently, tenderly, he would take me, his lips capturing mine again, letting me taste myself on his lips. Long, deep strokes beginning slow and building in speed and tempo would send me careening over the top again.

As I peaked and my muscles tensed, he would drive hard into me, grinding firmly against my clit, riding out yet another orgasm. Over and again would he make me cum, groaning softly in my ear and encouraging me to greater heights of passion. Only after they began coming one on top of another would he cease pausing, instead driving faster, slamming deeper, ramming harder until with a loud cry muffled as he bit my neck, he would explode with me, within me. His hot cream coating me, filling me, and making me spiral out into another universe.

Quietly he would wrap me up in his arms and legs, planting soft whispery kisses all over my shaking, quaking form. His voice tender and sweet as he talked me down from the heights to which he had driven me. As my breath was once more reclaimed and I melted into his embrace, he would cuddle me close and hold me as we drifted off to sleep. Safe and secure in his strong arms, no nightmares, no fears would disturb my rest. Peace was mine, to have and to hold.

After completing her story, she got busy answering her Lord's other questions. She knew He did this so she might learn. He often told her that training the mind was as important as training the body. Many were the times He would question her while they played, and she knew He did it to help her learn and grow. He pushed her to stretch her limits and explore new ways of looking at things. Writing is a joy to her, and she was pleased that her Lord chose that way to help her. She wondered, if He truly realized how important her written work is to her, or how much easier it is to put her thoughts and feelings on paper instead of speaking them. If He did not, she thought, He soon would.

An Assignment is Given

"Why did I choose You as my Lord?"You are not the first to ask me this, another who loves me asked that same thing, "why You". "What was different?" The only thing I could tell him is that I trust You, You have helped me find, learn, things about myself I never fully knew or understood before. You have helped me find a peace that my life never had before I met You. What the connection is that draws me to You, or even why there is one, is a question over which I am still musing.

"Is it the sex"You ask me.

"No."

"Is it the control?"

" Not really."

"Is it the body?"

"Well, I do like that. You are handsome and do arouse me."

"Is it the mind?"

"Yes"

"What about the mind?"

"It has always been hard for me to connect with people. Many do not understand my feelings, or me nor do most wish to understand. There is also the two way give and take that many won't allow."

"Why do you say that?"

"Experience."

Sir, You ask questions, prompting me to explore my feelings and thoughts much deeper than most people do. Your questions are constantly testing my limits, pushing me to reach further. You respect the boundaries that we discover, while urging me to see if they can be stretched, yet You never abuse them. At no time do Your manners or actions ridicule or demean my feelings or me.

What You get from our times together, I do not know or understand, so what I share here may seem a bit off. All I have to go on are my feelings and perceptions. While I am getting to know You better, there are still times when You confuse me. Like tonight with Your questions. At one point, I was not sure if You were trying to push me away, or testing me, trying to find out something, or just pushing me again to think and learn. When this happens all I can do is think carefully, answer Your questions, and trust You. With most others, I would know what was happening. I think this is part of what draws me, not knowing for sure and the challenge of trying to learn so I do know.

In sharing, You pointed out, I could be hurt. While I know this is true, the trust I have in You won't allow me to fear You, or that You will hurt me. I know that in every relationship, whether platonic, romantic, or just sexual, there is the possibility of being hurt, but that kind of pain does not frighten me. It is the pain caused by someone deliberately, or the pain caused by someone through deception that I fear. I have lived all my life being hurt by the ones I care about, but is always the pain caused by those whom I only know, may trust, but do not care for that really hurts, or the pain inflicted on purpose by those for whom I care. It is for this reason I stopped trusting people. Only recently, have I learned and dared to trust again, and the years and pain past, have taught me to be wise in who and how much I trust.

Did I believe there was more to our relationship than just sex You asked me? I told You yes, there is more than just sex; there is friendship and sharing. You listen when I need someone to talk to and help me to understand what is happening and why. Then You asked, "could this just be the way I get off?" Yes, it could be and were that true, for You it would just be sex. Would that hurt me to know? No, for I don't expect anything. This is all so new to me that I have learned not to expect anything, just accept what comes and what happens.

When entering uncharted territory, I have learned to relax and let things flow, see where they take me. I have used this technique in the past and while there have been times when it could have backfired on me; I was always able to prevent that, and use the experience to learn and grow. Most people walk into a new experience with preconceived notions or ideas, and when those notions or ideas don't fit, they are lost, confused and become angry or upset. Keeping an open mind, being willing to learn and accept change are necessary to growing and reaching new heights or depths. Consequently, I learned not to 'expect' rather just 'accept'.

Therefore, how if I don't expect more, can I be hurt? You can only hurt me if I allow it, if I choose to want more, choose to change my actions or perceptions, only then will You be able to hurt me. Even when you 'go with the flow', there are still times that decisions need to be made. I do not back away from those decisions, rather I make the best ones I know how to make, and continue. During our time together, I have had to decide how much control to give You, and to decide whether to treat these times as 'play' or act on them as a very real part of my life, and how much to share and when.

If I only allowed partial control, I don't believe that I would learn as much as if I relinquished complete control. The time we spend together is a learning experience for me, a chance to grow and explore. You have not chained me, nor have You at any time made me feel like I was no longer a person, merely a possession, therefore I have no reason to fear. Should You ever want or attempt to claim that kind of possession of me, another decision would have to be made, but that time has not come, nor do I believe it will. Knowing this, I can release control, placing it in Your hands, trusting You to respect my limits and me while teaching and guiding. I believe someone else of the D/s world called this type of control, 'nurturing'. I believe that is why with You, I feel safe and protected.

Do I treat these times as 'play' or take them seriously was another major decision. Many of my friends and buddies whom I have told about accepting You as my Lord have asked me, tempted me to not take it seriously. He will never know I am told. I will though; I will not lie to Him or deceive Him, and He will ask. If it is only a game then how do I know the learning and growth will remain when the game ends? I already know that what I have learned, the growth I have made, I do not want to lose. Therefore, it must be real, and must be taken seriously. Does this frighten me? At times yes, for who would not be a bit frightened or apprehensive, when beginning a journey they have never taken before, or meeting someone, they do not deeply know. This fear though cannot be allowed to control or consume me; merely must it be used as a guide and reminder to walk with care.

Sharing, how much and when? Once more, if I hold back, then what stops You from doing the same, and how can there be trust without complete honesty. My trust in You is not that You will not hold back, but rather that You will share as You see the need to do so, but how can I ask You to trust me if I am unwilling to give that trust complete sharing gives. I give You complete control; this requires that I also share completely, for if I do not then You will be unable to make the decisions that control requires of You. On the other hand, You have not given me control, therefore those decisions remain Yours, and You need not share completely with me. What and how much You share must be determined by You, based on what is best for both of us and our relationship, and You hold in Your hands that power.

When we have complete contact, will I give You more control? I notice You did no say 'if', which leads me to hope there will one day be that type of contact. When that happens, based on the knowledge I currently posses, the way things are moving and working out now, I can say yes. Do I foresee a time when that might change? No, nothing You have done or said has given me any reason to doubt that my trust was misplaced or given too freely. Knowing this and feeling as I do, should I wish to continue learning and growing, then I must abide by my earlier decisions.

Now, why am I Yours? You are the first I met. You did not push or try to manipulate me into doing anything. You opened the door and showed me a new world, helped me to know myself better, to learn and grow. Then one day I offered You "myself, my submission and my desire to please You." You accepted that gift. It was not idly done, nor was it done without great thought. It was something I had been thinking about a great deal, and while I was not sure I could ever do it, I knew I wanted to make that offer. I had discussed it with a friend earlier, commenting that often times encounters or circumstances never seemed to work out the way I wanted them too. I was told that "opportunity" would knock and when it did, all I need do was open the door. Then You knocked. I opened the door, fearfully, uncertain, yes, but also with a joy and eagerness that I had not felt before. Two others who might have claimed me respected that decision and backed away to allow me the chance and opportunity to discover for myself if I had made the right choice.

Why You? You already had my trust. You had already shown me that You were willing to teach and guide. You were first. The first to reach out to me, the first to believe in me, the first to touch me in the way I needed to be touched, You were there first. It was only because of You, the things You taught me, helped me learn about myself, that I changed. Only then, did one of those others see me more clearly and take notice of me. Only after You began working with me, was I free to feel and be what I knew I needed to be. This reflected itself in my poetry and caught the eye of the other. I had been searching, exploring, trying to find someone who would teach me. The signs were there, You saw them, but others did not. If they could not see what You saw, until You brightened the light, why should they come first?

What have I learned from You? I have learned who and what I am, what makes me happy and completes me. I have learned that I desire, I need to be submissive. I have learned the pleasure and some of the pain being submissive brings. I have felt the peace and security that being submissive allows. I have experienced the joy of being submissive. I have learned that while I have strength, while I am strong, my true nature is that of a submissive, but that does not mean I must be weak. I have learned that giving up control does not make me less of a person, nor does it diminish me in any way. Actually, it makes me more complete. I have learned that there is much yet for me to learn.

The past week or so, things were a bit different. You seemed distracted, and I without intending to, took advantage of that to be less well behaved than I should be. Was this something You allowed, a testing in some manner? I do not know, perhaps. Tonight You took me to task for that behavior. Once again, there was the strictness that You first used with me. Until this happened, I did not realize I missed it. As I look back on it now, it was like I was drifting, waiting, perhaps to some degree testing, and when You took me in hand again, I quit drifting, once more firmly anchored and safe. I am not sure how much sense this makes, if it makes any at all, but these are the feelings and the thoughts they bring.

Sitting here thinking about this, I wonder, it sounds like what I am saying is that I cannot manage without someone keeping a firm hand on me, but I know that is not the case. I can direct my life, and I do, but there is a part of me that needs, craves, the control You exert. Should it be this way? Should I need the degree of direction that I ask of You? I am not certain. I feel as if I am leaning on You too much, asking more of You than I should. Now I am confused, unsure. How much is too much, or is there such a thing as too much? Being submissive means relinquishing control to another, and there are degrees to how much, I can determine how much to give, but have no idea how much You are willing to accept.

Through some of my reading and research, I have learned that some Lords and Masters expect or demand complete control of all aspects their sub's life, but this is not necessarily true of all Lords. Is there ever a point when a Lord does not desire or wish to have more control than he currently has, or a time when he wants less? Is it possible for a sub to ask more of her Lord than he was capable of giving, and how would she know this? By "asking more", I mean the asking that he take control, or the giving of control.

As I sit here, thinking and writing, I begin to realize how much I really do not know, have not really thought about. Is this perhaps where You were directing me with Your questions?

All we have is sex. Is this truly the case? Is this all that will ever be between us? I do not know. Is this enough? Do I not need or crave more? Again, I am not sure, but I feel that in time, I will need more; just sex will not be enough. At that time, will we part ways? Perhaps, I can only wait and see. Do I want to be a part of Your life completely and fully? Yes. Why? Because I do care for You, and I want to please and care for You in every way I may. Am I letting my feelings run amuck? No. I am not refusing them, but neither am I letting them control me. I am merely watching and waiting, guiding them with logic and common sense. I cannot "not care", but I can keep from letting those feelings control me, at least until when or if the time comes when I may release them without causing another pain or hurt.

Am I willing to accept that it may never be more than 'just sex'? Yes. Why? Because You have not offered more and I do not feel, that I may ask for more. You have shared with me some of Your feelings on this subject, and I could not be the person I am if I could not and did not respect those feelings. Does this mean I am capable of caring and walking away? Yes. As I have explained before, I lose nothing by caring rather gain so much more. While walking away may cause some ache, it would be the ache of loss, and that type of pain is not uncommon, rather it is a natural part of life. Knowing this, I can accept and bear the consequences. I will not force, coerce or manipulate anyone into caring for me or giving me more than they are willing to freely give. Only when freely given do I know it is real and can be trusted. Without trust and the respect that trust brings, nothing is real except the pain deception metes out.

Do I care too freely and quickly? Perhaps, but that is my nature, and I have learned over the years how to be me while trying to prevent or minimize the hurt this may cause others. There is joy, a richness in caring that enhances life and brings it more and deeper meaning. It does not diminish rather it makes me more complete. Were there times when I had to walk away, relinquish the feelings? Yes and no. Yes, there were times it was necessary to walk away. Does this mean I must let go of the feelings? Sometimes, depending on why I walk away, and yes, in letting go, I lose something, a piece of myself, but the choice is mine and never lightly made.

Many were the questions You had, and in answering those, I discovered more. I hope this written work pleases You My Lord. I think there are parts that may and may not please You. You asked me to think, consider, and write. I have done so, and yes, I am still thinking, for I know You will have more questions. Thank You Sir, for this assignment.

Your lady

The next day, she completed her assignment and e-mailed it to Him. That night when she arrived home, He was already online and waiting for her. He asked her if she learned anything from what she had written, and explained to her there were more truths in what she had composed than she realized. "You understand more than you know."Confused she asked Him to explain, but all He would tell her was that she would have to figure it out herself for then she would learn it for life.

There was one thing He was willing to tell her though, that she was correct about there being a time to come when she would need to move on.

Wryly she told Him, "I figured as much."

He continued, "Not because I will not give you what you need or I am not willing to, but because that is what is best for you. That is the most important thing." He explained that she would need someone 'real' to hold and care for her. "I will tell you, that you will need a Lord not a Master, for you love life to much to be a slave to a Master. Also you have too much love for life and you would not be happy with a Master."

While she knew in her heart, what He was saying was true, the words still pierced deep and caused an ache. She remembered all the times she searched and never found, the times she found someone and they left. Here was her Lord telling her she was to search again. She wept as the memories and past pain washed over her. However, her Lord had not asked and she would not at this time volunteer the fact of her tears. She could not for she feared He might not understand, and she did not want Him to hurt with her.

As she sat there thinking, He told her that before the time came to move on, He would help her grow, train her body both in sex and life, but only if she was willing to do as she was told. "I expect you to follow through with things without me having to keep on you to do it. That does not mean I will not ask, or be disappointed in you when you fail." As His words sunk in, she trembled and remembered the times she had given up, failed, and determined this time to not repeat her past mistakes. "I will not fail Sir."

"Understand that failing only happens when you do not try."

"Yes Sir, I know."

"And of late you have not tried, have you?"

"Not really, no Sir."

"And…"

"I know better. I let You down and me."

"More you than me. What else have you let slide?"