Mental Toughness Pt. 02

I got appointed a consultant by the DA in the county that Jen was an assistant DA in, to be paid $1 per month, but with expenses. I helped Jen prepare for and try several high profile cases. While I helped her in the courtroom I also helped her relax after hours by fucking her brains out every chance that I got – and since we were living together and had the same work hours that was often.

Amber's baby was a little girl who she named Rebecca – also my mother's name – Miller-Westin. Not too obvious, huh? Of course since she was Amber's baby she is – and everyone who has seen her or even photos of her says it, including Jen, not just me – the most beautiful little girl imaginable.

I was surprised at how the baby's birth affected me. It really shook me up for several weeks; it was only because I kept reminding myself "Remain mentally tough," that I didn't have some sort of an episode, or go to see the baby.

Jen mails me photos of little Rebecca, who she calls "Becca," every month and sends some to my iPhone even more often; that wasn't my intent when I agreed in the divorce settlement to provide my updated address, but I wasn't clear enough in the language so I can't stop it. I try not to look at them but I do; then I'm usually successful in destroying them, though not always. I do NOT want to meet Becca because it would be dangerous psychologically to be around her and especially Amber. I love Jen now and I want her to be the center of my life.

Even though Jen and I married the photos kept and keep coming. My parents have seen their granddaughter on numerous occasions since Amber is involving them in her life, and they are appalled that I don't want any part of her life. If Amber wasn't around I would like to be part of Becca's life, but with Amber there the hurt and temptation both would be too much to bear, and it would really badly screw me up.

Now that Becca can talk Amber is having her leave messages on my cellphone. "Hi, da-da I lub yous," was the latest one. I don't know whether Amber thinks that she can get me back, or if she's just trying to fuck up my mind. If it is the latter, she is succeeding.

After we got married Jen and I moved fifteen hundred miles away from City X, to a state that has reciprocity with the state we were in the DA's office in. I never told Jen my most compelling reason for the move – I did not want to be constantly tempted to go see Becca and Amber. Separating from them got harder as time passed, not easier.

I started to question whether divorcing Amber and not giving her another chance was mental toughness or stupidity, considering how difficult it was to get over her. Also the fact that she had manipulated me to get a baby with me I started to see more as a desperate ploy on her part to save the marriage rather than something evil. I also could not deny that the world was a better place with little Becca in it.

I think back upon the words of Judge O'Connor: "I have seen many couples with a far worse situation than the one set forth in your petition work things out and end up happily married." As soon as I purge my mind of his words I hear Dr. Fell: "It's for your own good that you do get past it, Mr. Westin, and if you still have feelings for Mrs. Miller the best thing for you personally would be to reconcile."

Sometimes when I make love to Jen I think of Amber; that's when I, sadly, have my most explosive orgasms. While outwardly I'm fine, inwardly I constantly question whether jettisoning my marriage to Amber was a demonstration of mental toughness, or stupidity.

Now Jen and I practice civil law in a small firm that we joined and are full partners in. We do the trial work for the firm. Jen is pregnant with our first child – I hope that there will be at least two more.

No one knows about the photo of Amber holding our daughter that I keep in my wallet. I know that I'm not exhibiting SEAL mental toughness by keeping it – but I've come to terms with that weakness. As long as I physically stay away from Amber and Becca and stay close to Jen I believe that I'll be OK, if not fine.