Meredith

"I have to admit, I've never been kissed by a girl like that..."

I felt physically paralyzed and regretted my spontaneity.

"But, I...enjoyed it," she continued coyly.

I stared at her dumbfounded. "You did?"

"Don't you believe me?" She looked hurt.

"Of course I believe you," I said and took her in my arms.

Meredith's face looked so sweet and defenseless that my heart throbbed with feelings. As I held her head, I kissed her tenderly on the lips and she kissed me back. Our illicit necking sobered us up quite a bit. When we stopped for breather, she was trembling.

"Vicki...this is all so new...I don't..." Her voice shook.

Oh boy, here it comes; the speech about not being into girls, I thought and instantly I felt depressed.

"I really like you Vicki; you're my closest, my best friend. I don't know if...I'm ready for this. Part of me wants to...but I'm scared..." she whimpered tearfully.

Instead of getting mad, I was overcome with sorrow because when I kissed Meredith, I knew in my heart that she was the "one". A deluge of tears was imminent but I held back as I felt it would only complicate the situation.

"I'm sorry Vicki...I need time to think," she whispered sadly.

Without saying a word, I grabbed my coat and left. Inside my car, I broke down and cried. A sudden tap on the half open window startled me; it was Meredith.

"Try not to be upset...I just need some time to sort out my feelings. I care about you."

"Sure...yeah...ah...I'll see ya around," I said fatalistically and drove away.

In my apartment, I totally lost it and sobbed because I felt like a complete and utter fool. I cursed myself for falling in love with a straight girl. Then, I realized it was Meredith's birthday and I really blew her off when I drove away. Her last words kept ringing in my ears,

"I care about you."

As heart break enveloped my being, I wept uncontrollably.

Baby Come Back, You Can Blame It All On Me:

For several weeks, I tried to keep a stiff upper lip. Meredith and I exchanged no phone calls or communicated in any way with one another. In the quiet of the early morning hours, I would lie in bed and stare at the shadows on the ceiling as an unbroken line of tears ran out of my eyes.

Why did I fall in love with Meredith? It was a question I asked myself repeatedly.

"La Bella Luna", the lover's moon, the moon of romance had drawn me to Meredith. Why? So I could have my heart broken?

"It was that goddamn moon!" I would curse aloud in complete frustration.

I'd dated and bedded far better looking women than Meredith but she possessed that very elusive "something", a compelling quality that had my soul firmly in its grasp; refusing to let go.

When I pictured Meredith in my head with her smiling face full of mirth or innocent mischief, it caused the tears to flow faster.

Most days at work, I sat glumly at my desk. While bathroom breaks usually included some sniffles, I would quietly cry in my car the entire forty five minute ride home. I was mired in the serious throes of a depression and without help, saw no end in sight.

Finally, I called Manny, the one person in whom I shared my most private thoughts and feelings. He even knew of my sexual exploits or at times, lack of them. With frequent stops for weeping, I related my sad story to Manny.

"Vicki, you're the cutest, no hottest looking woman I know who also happens to be a lesbian and I'm proud to say, my best friend," he stated with complete sincerity.

"Thanks Manny but I don't feel very hot or cute," I said gloomily.

"Jesus Vicki, you can have any woman you want, except Claudia." he laughed at the mention of his bride to be.

"But, I don't want just anyone; I want Meredith," I whined.

"When's the last time you enjoyed some mindless sex with another girl?" he asked seriously.

"Shit Manny," I sighed, "maybe a year."

"I think some unadulterated, no strings attached girl sex would cheer you up," he declared as though he was prescribing pills for an ailment.

"I don't know; all I think about is Meredith."

"Tell ya what, I'll ride shotgun for you if you want to go on the town for a night," he said earnestly.

"I'm not sure...Manny is that the answer? Go out and see if I can get my jollies off?"

"Can't hurt," he replied.

**** Manny gawked at me when he saw that I was dressed to kill for a night of girl hunting at the bars.

"Jesus Vicki, you look great!" he gushed.

My black sparkly spaghetti strap belly shirt exposed a small portion my flatter mid riff; tight low rider black jeans looked form fitting on my toned and more defined legs. A pair of black stiletto heeled strapless shoes completed the ensemble.

"Too Goth?" I asked nervously.

"Shit no! You look good enough to...ah..." he stammered.

"I get the message," I said with a wicked smile until I realized that, thanks to Meredith's workout routine I now had a tighter, harder body.

At Delilah's Underground, Manny and I got a fair amount of stares from the crowd silently who were no doubt wondering why I would bring a guy into a lesbian bar. Before I had a chance to order a drink, the bartender placed a beer in front of me.

"Compliments of the lady at the end of the bar," she said with a smile.

When I looked, my old friend Sherry waved at me. With frosty mug in hand, I made my way to where she was sitting.

"Hey girl! Look at you!" Sherry crowed,looking me up and down.

"Thanks, I said bashfully.

Sherry was an occasional "fuck buddy" as the straights say, when I was looking for that type of action. Full bodied, sexy and horny as all get out, she was a dynamo in bed.

Many beers later, I found myself in Sherry's apartment with my arms wrapped around her neck while she kissed me passionately. I was really getting into it. Maybe Manny was right after all, I needed some sex to cheer me up.

A trail of clothes led to Sherry's bedroom where she was rolling and tweaking my aching nipples. Now, the girl had a serious tit fetish and would suckle me until I was delirious with pleasure. When her lips attached themselves to a hard nip, I just lay back and let the incredible sensations wash over me.

My pussy was leaking into my panties; the only piece of clothing that was still on my body when Sherry started the downward trek to my sex. Before she got to my sopping wet slit, I had a vision of Meredith between my legs instead of Sherry.

You want Meredith...you lust for her...you love her, my mind was crying out.

As my entire body sagged with regret, I stopped moaning or making noises of any kind. It was entirely true; I yearned for Meredith. I longed to feel her soft lips on mine and hold her in my arms. The unfulfilled desire to be with her was stronger than the day that I drove out of her life. My heart ached for her.

The inevitable tears flooded my eyes and Sherry looked at me with astonishment.

"Hey, are you ok?" she asked with shocked concern.

"I'm sorry Sherry, I...ah..." I replied in a shaky voice and I really started to bawl.

When Sherry sat up, I fell into her arms and sobbed.

"My God...I've never had this kind of reaction before...cries of ecstasy maybe but not weeping," she declared.

Sherry's comment made me chuckle a bit and it helped to calm me down.

"Ya wanna tell me what this is all about?" she asked gently and looked into my sodden eyes.

"I'm in love with someone...I don't know if she feels the same about me...she's straight and..." Sherry looked at me with a ton of sympathy.

"Hmm, a difficult situation indeed," she agreed.

Sherry held me close as I whimpered and sniffled.

"Come on, get dressed and I'll drive you home," she said kindly.

In Sherry's BMW, I sat with my head down, feeling extremely embarrassed that I ruined her evening.

"I'm really sorry about tonight."

"Hey, forget about it; we've been friends for a long time. I understand." Sherry took my hand in hers and gave it a friendly squeeze.

"I've been where you're at sweetie; I know what it feels like."

"You have?" I asked.

Sherry was in her mid thirties and whenever I was around or with her, seemed so cheerful and upbeat.

"Oh yeah, a similar situation but mine occurred back in college. Lorraine, my closest friend at the time was a real beauty with olive dark skin, black hair and a smokin' hot zaftig body. The girl exuded sex appeal on the level of a Marilyn Monroe.

We'd roomed with each other for about a year when one Saturday night, we're staggering home from a frat party, absolutely loaded and falling all over each other for support.

Lorraine was giddy with laughter but once we were in our dorm room, her entire demeanor changed. She kept staring at me with this smoldering look and the next thing I know, I'm in bed with her, kissing up a storm.

Let's just say, it was the most incredible night of girl sex I've ever had. In retrospect, I guess because I had romantic feelings for her and after that episode; I was in love with Lorraine," she said sadly.

Sherry sighed and I saw tears clouding her usually sparkling eyes.

"Lorraine was my first love and...believe me...I had it real bad...but, she was only bi curious; or so she said. Anyway, she was curious enough that we did it a couple more times but emotionally, I was a wreck.

While I honestly expressed how I felt to Lorraine, she refused to discuss her thoughts or feelings with me. It placed a terrible strain on our friendship and I moved out at the end of the semester because it was just too much for me. While we remained friendly, she kept her distance up to the day we graduated. Last I heard, she married a surgeon in Ohio and had two kids." She sighed heavily.

Sherry parked in front of my apartment and turned to gaze at me with a kindhearted smile.

"Sometimes I have these fantasies that Lorraine is unhappy and regrets what happened between us but..."

I reached over and gave her a hug.

"Look, I don't like to give advice but it's important that you let your object of desire know your true feelings. I just hope she has the love in her heart for you that you have for her. I'll be rooting for you Vicki," she declared.

"Thanks Sherry," I murmured.

**** Every Sunday I visited my grandfather at his efficiency apartment in the retirement home. With a bag of fresh pastries in one hand, I knocked on his door with the other. He always wore a nice pair of slacks and dress shirt with a sweater and tie.

"Hello grandpop," I said warmly and hugged him.

"Victoria, how are you child?"

I was unable to hide the tears that crept into my eyes.

"Not so good; huh?" he asked, still holding me.

"No, I'm fine," I answered trying to hide my sadness.

"Since the first time that I held you as a baby, I know you better than your parents."

My earliest recollections concerning my grandfather are about a connection, a bond that existed between us and confounded my mom and dad.

"I'll make us some tea, ok?" he stated cheerfully and spread the baked goods on a plate.

As we sat at the small kitchen table across from each other, eating a sweet and drinking our tea, he kept looking at me with a smile.

"For a month now, when you come and see me, you look sad; why?" he asked gently.

The flood of emotion inside me burst. I started weeping and put my head in my heads. My grandfather came to me and put his arm around me.

"Victoria, you are as precious to me as life itself; tell me what is troubling you. Is it something in your heart?" he asked. His voice was so kind and when I looked up at him his eyes were wet with tears.

I embraced my grandfather, who, apart from Manny, knew me so well.

"Please don't grandpop, I hate to see you cry." I gently brushed a few tears away with my fingers.

"Crying is a part of life and the older you get...well...you miss the good times...now, tell me what is bothering you."

"I don't know where to start," I answered gaining some self control.

"You're in love with someone maybe?" he enquired

"Yes, I'm sure of my feelings but I don't know if she feels the same way about me."

My grandfather was very understanding and supportive when I told him about my preference for my own gender.

"After her birthday party, I kissed her and..." I said, and the tears flowed anew.

As I bawled on his shoulder, he gently rubbed my back. Eventually, I got the whole story out.

"It sounds like there's more in her heart than just friendship, otherwise she wouldn't feel confused or threatened," he stated with wisdom.

I looked at my grandfather and stopped crying.

"Victoria, the path to love can sometimes be a difficult journey. Being in love with someone can be hard work but if they love you, it's worth more than all the money on Wall Street.

Everyone looks for love because no one wants to be alone. Unless of course you're Greta Garbo..." he said with humor and my mood lightened rapidly.

"I'm afraid; afraid she doesn't feel the same about me."

"There's only one way to find out," he stated.

"I know but do I send a card or email or call her or..."

"Say it with flowers. That's what they're always telling people on those TV commercials," he declared.

Damn! If that didn't seem like a good idea and I resolved to send Meredith flowers first thing Monday.

"Thank you grandpop. I love you." I embraced him tightly.

**** The following morning I stood in my local florist shop deciding on an appropriate floral arrangement for Meredith. When the sales person handed me the note card that would accompany the flowers, I stared at it as though it were infected with a deadly virus.

What do I write? How much of my true feelings do I convey? My mind seemed incapable of wrapping itself around those questions.

But, when I remembered my grandfather's and Sherry's advice, I recognized the need to express myself in a forthright manner.

Dearest Meredith,

Please accept the flowers with my sincerest apology for spoiling your birthday.

You're the most dynamic, sweet and wonderful person that I feel privileged to know - my best friend. The last thing I want is to hurt you in any way.

But, I can't take back the kisses that we shared. And, I can't apologize for the loving feelings in my heart.

Not just the love of friendship but romantic love.

I miss you.

Vicki

When I handed the clerk my credit card, I had no inkling if this would work or not. Maybe it would drive Meredith farther away but I had little time for speculation, it was the busiest time of the work year for me and I was inundated with clients and deadlines.

At the end of the day, my boss requested my appearance in his office to discuss what he perceived as a growing problem with my performance. As I sat quietly listening to his list of grievances, I was close to crying.

"...and I heard from McClellan and McClellan this morning. They were none too happy with the delay of the audit...blah, blah, blah..." he droned on until the tears appeared in my eyes and his demeanor softened considerably.

But, for all intents and purposes, my performance had slipped during that difficult period in my life. My boss had every right to call me on the carpet. Although he declined to formally write any recommendations for improvement in my file, I was issued a verbal warning.

"Vicki, you're one of the best CPA's I have working for me. I'd hate to lose you but..." His voice was full of concern.

With my pride injured, I drove home in a foul mood. I was pissed at myself for letting my love life interfere with my job. My firm recruited me right out of college and I had worked damn hard to achieve a high level of success.

When I heard my cell's musical ring, I angrily grabbed my purse and dug around with my fingers trying to find my elusive phone. Because it was tax season, my first thought that a client was on the other end, clouded my mind.

"Hi Vicki, remember me?" the voice was familiar and the tone poignant.

Because of my troubles at work, I had temporarily forgotten about Meredith. I closed my eyes as my spirit rejoiced; not a very good idea on the congested Crosstown Expressway.

"I could never forget you, Meredith." I nearly swooned and tears gathered in my eyes.

"I've missed you Vicki..."

"I've missed you too."

I was weeping and trying to drive at the same time.

"I got your flowers today and...the card...I haven't stopped crying," she bawled.

"Everything I said came straight from my heart, its how I really feel," I croaked.

"I'm sorry for the way I overreacted," she replied.

I was crying so hard that my voice failed me.

"Vicki? Are you there?" She enquired, her voice panicky.

"Yes, I'm here,"

"Can I come and see you? We need to talk."

I was only one exit away from Meredith's house.

"Stay where you are, I'll be there in five minutes," I pleaded and drove at breakneck speed down the off ramp.

When Meredith opened the door, I immediately saw that her eyes were red and puffy.

"Oh Vicki, I'm so happy to see you." She started crying and I fell into her arms.

When I pulled back a little, Meredith gazed at me with the most soulful eyes, brimming with need. I kissed her and the sensual, tingly feel of her lips spread throughout my being.

For what seemed like hours, I held Meredith in my tearful embrace and deep inside; I knew that I would always love her. Finally, I tenderly kissed her forehead and taking her hand, led her to the kitchen where we sat across from each other at the corner of the table.

With my hands in hers, Meredith looked into my eyes.

"You know that I care about you," she said.

I nodded my head and thought - this is it, the big let down. I like you but...

Meredith stared at me with an intense look that turned my knees to jelly.

"I've done a lot of soul searching and I asked myself a lot of questions. How will my family react? How will my friends react? Am I ready to have a relationship with another woman? What are the consequences?

Some days, it completely dominated my thoughts. The more I tried to understand my feelings logically, the more I realized that emotions have no basis in logic. One of the pitfalls of my scientific training, I guess," she stated shyly, and her hands tightened around mine.

"Do you remember when I spoke about my high school gymnastics teammate, Clarissa?" she asked.

"Uh huh," I answered.

"Clarissa was my best friend and in senior year, she admitted to me that she was gay. I felt so close to her that I didn't care and we remained very dear friends.

But, it all changed graduation night when Clarissa tried to kiss me. She professed some very deep feelings for me and it really freaked me out. I'd never considered having sex or a relationship with another girl. I kept telling myself that I was into guys but in the back of my mind...

I asked myself the same questions and fear of what my family and friends would think was crucial in my making the wrong decision because I had developed some deep feelings of my own for Clarissa.

In the end, I hurt someone that I really cared about and I've regretted it ever since. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Vicki, in just a few months, I felt closer to you than anyone else in my life. Since the night of my birthday, I've asked myself over and over why I feel so attracted to you. Why I have this powerful urge to be with you.

But, it all adds up to the same thing, I want you in my life" she declared.

I moved closer to Meredith and took her in my arms.

"More than anything, I want to be with you," I sobbed.

As we stayed locked in an amorous embrace, I gently kissed her face and neck.

"Umm, that feels nice," she purred, taking my head in her hands and kissing me passionately.

With a beseeching look, Meredith led me to the bedroom. We fell back on the bed and made out for a long time until the burning desire for us to take the next step was overpowering.