Michael & Jason

My sobs subside leaving a pounding headache in its place. I don't realize Mike has come into the room until I feel his weight on my bed. I shut down instantly. I move away towards the other side but he's still too close.

I flinch when he touches my shoulder. I'm glad I'm unable to see his face. I'm not ready to see the pain I've inflicted on him physically and emotionally.

Minutes pass before Mike stammers an apology. "Baby, please, I, I, didn't mean it the way it, it came out. Please. We have to talk."

Angry, I reply through clenched teeth, "I told you not to call me that anymore. I don't want to talk to you right now. I might say something I'll regret. Leave me alone, Michael."

"Since when do you call me 'Michael'?" He tries to laugh the unease from his voice, but he can't.

I close my eyes. "Michael is your name, isn't it? Easy fucks don't have pet names for one another because it's all about the sex and nothing else, right?" I wince at my own words, knowing I was purposely trying to hurt him, the way he'd hurt me.

Mike lets out the smallest of a choked gasp, "Jase, I said I was sorry. Please don't act like this. Please?" Mike grabs my shoulder, and forcing me to face him. He cups my face in his hands. His amber eyes remorseful and pleading for me to say everything will be okay, but I can't.

I zero in on the red bruise developing on Mike's cheek. I reach out but pull my hand back. My eyes well up. "You knew what I wanted. I told you how I felt. I get that you love Kenny, believe me I do, but you can't keep stringing me along while you figure out your feelings for the both of us. You'll destroy me, if I let you. I don't want to end up hating you." Mike leans down in what I anticipate to be a kiss. I evade his advances turning back on my side away from him. "Kissing and touching me won't change how I feel. There's only one thing that will and until you're ready to make that decision, I want you to leave me alone. Whether you choose me or you choose Kenny, just make a decision, Michael! Leave me alone, please... go."

The tremble in Mike's voice matches my own, "We have to talk. I have to make this right between us. I know that it's my fault that you are upset but I can't be away from you." He leans in closer, placing his forehead on the back of my neck, draping his arm and leg over me. I tense up, trying not to relax into this comfortable and familiar position. He kisses my shoulder.

"I don't think there's anything else left to say," I tell him defiantly.

"I'll say it until you believe me again. I love you, Jason. I can't take back what I said. God knows if I could, I would. I hurt you and I never ever wanted to do that. I didn't lie to you when I told you that I love you and want you. You mean the world to me," he says, his voice cracks and begins to cry. "I'll do whatever you want me to. I'm just so confused."

The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I have to because I'm protecting us both in the long run.

I pull from his hold and sit on the edge of the bed mustering the courage to walk away from him. Mike runs his hand down my arm before gripping my hand. I shut my eyes tight and stand up, tugging my hand gently away; his arm falls back on the bed with a soft thud. I quietly get dressed. I never look back or into the large full-size mirror in front of me to avoid meeting his gaze. If I look at him, it will be my undoing. Nothing good will come out of me staying here with him. Nothing will get resolved. It'll be a vicious cycle of jealousy and self-loathing. I can't live like that. I won't live like that.

When I'm finished dressing, I reach to open my bedroom door but I pause before leaving.

"I love you so much. I don't think I could ever love anyone else as much as I love you. I asked you to choose me before and you said you that couldn't. I'm not going to ask you to anymore. I'm not giving you an ultimatum. You're clearly unable to make a decision. I want you to choose me without a doubt in your mind, and you can't do it, at least not now. You'll probably think what I'm saying is unfair." I begin to cry leaning my forehead against the door. "I can't be with you. I think without me around as a constant reminder, you won't be confused anymore. Maybe then you can sit back and think about who you want to be with in the end."

"Jase, don't leave me, baby, please! Don't leave me." Mike sobs but I ignore his pleas.

"I have to. I don't know where we go from here, but Mike, I'm asking you to stay away from me. Don't try to talk me out of this. Don't try to kiss me or hold me. Don't try to get in my bed because I won't let you. Stay away from me and I'll stay away from you." I nearly choke on the words as I say them because they're the opposite of what I want. "This isn't a punishment. This is about you deciding who you can and can't live without. Of course, I want you to choose me, but if you choose Kenny, go and be happy, because you deserve it. You have a big heart. It's one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. But while you're working through your feelings, I need to go and find out who I am without you. I have to find out if I can stand on my own. I'll wait for you but please don't take too long."

With my wallet and car keys in hand, I walk out my room, down the stairs and sprint out the front door into a very different world than the one I woke up to earlier today.