Midlife Correction Ch. 04

It was too upsetting, she decided. She would have to cool it with Miles for a while, have to slow things down. He had too much power over her and when she was with him she felt off balance and out of control. She would have to find some way of putting the brakes on this runaway relationship.

In the end she went to the candy machine and bought a Twix bar and a cup of coffee and that was lunch. She'd always liked Twix bars, even back in high school.

Chapter Seven

The wind was still bitterly cold when Julia dropped her car off with the attendant and made her way through the big wooden doors of Sharkey's, and already she was feeling head-achey and bitterly hungry, almost hollow, but too nervous to eat. She'd been sure to arrive a few minutes late so she wouldn't have to alone for them, and when she told the maitre d' she was with the Addison party, he lost no time in whisking her to the usual table in the back of the restaurant.

And there she saw Danny's back, and Allie's back, and sitting across from them a robust, good-looking outdoorsy man with a full head of sun-dried straw-blond hair and a rakish mustache. He looked like a yachtsman, all the way down to the big Rolex on his wrist, and when he saw Julia his face lit up in a huge California smile.

"There she is," he said. "There she is! How are you Julia Havermeyer? How the hell are you?"

Despite herself she was charmed, and she let him take her hand in both of his. She could still see the geeky youngster in the bluff and confident man, but now she didn't see it as geekiness. Something else, maybe. A precocious maturity or a preoccupation with business and adult matters, a lack of interest in the high school nonsense that consumed everyone else.

"And you can't be Hannibal Brandt, the boy who sat two rows behind me in band? But I never even knew you had a middle name. When I found out Ross Brandt was you, I almost fainted! Why didn't you stop by and say hello when you were in the office before?"

He held onto her hand a bit too long, continuing to shake it as he talked and forcing her to stand.

"Oh, I couldn't be sure. Not till I talked to Danny here and we looked up where you went to high school in your personnel file. Then I figured I'd surprise you. But I see my secret's leaked out."

"But sit down, sit down." He let go of her hand at last and stood to hold her chair for her. Julia looked down and saw he was wearing brown suede shoes with his gray pants and jacket, and no tie. Well, wealth did have its privileges, and he was a bachelor.

"Havermeyer was her maiden name," Ross explained to the table. "I guess that's how I'll always think of you. Just like I'll always be Hannibal the cannibal to you."

Julia smiled. "No, not at all. That was always silly. Ross suits you much better."

"I think Hannibal's a very sophisticated name," Allie said. "Sexy."

Ross smiled. "Well, it might have been till that movie came out, that one with Hannibal Lechter. That's why I dropped it. I just got sick of the jokes."

"Well, it's still a nice name," Julia said.

"I don't know. I used to get teased for it quite a bit. You probably don't remember that, Julia, since you didn't hang around with those kids, but they used to give me a lot of grief."

Julia tried to look sympathetic but just managed to look ill. Danny glanced around for their waiter.

"It'd be nice to get some drinks over here," he said to no one in particular. "Ross, what can I get you?"

"Rum and diet coke."

Danny didn't miss a beat. "Sure thing." He called a waiter over and while he ordered, Ross kept on talking.

"Yeah, they used to give me a lot of grief, but I didn't let it bother me. Sticks and stones and all that, and while they were screwing around in high school, I was playing a proxy market and learning how it worked. Soon as my old man died, I put my share of his insurance in the real thing and started making some real money. A few good investments, and look who's laughing now."

"You were playing the stock market in high school?" Allie asked. "That's fascinating!"

Ross nodded.

"Yeah, I didn't have much use for school. Julia was one of the few people who was really nice to me, and I've never forgotten that about her. But I never thought I'd run into her again."

"And you never married, Mr. Brandt?" Allie asked.

"Never had time, I guess. I mean, there'd been women, sure, but no one worth my time."

Allie was shameless, but of course Julia was thinking the same thing. The fact was, H. Ross Brandt was a handsome man, tanned and virile and filthy rich, and he was interested in her. Julia would be a fool to let him slip away without finding out more about him.

She quickly picked up a menu to hide her embarrassment and opened it.

"The steaks here are very good and I'm just ravenous. And if we talk about business, the company pays, right, Danny?"

"Yes, that's right, but don't let me get in the way. You two probably have a lot of old times to talk over."

Ross picked up his menu and opened it. "Oh, that can wait till later. I'm in no hurry to get back to my hotel room. I thought maybe Julia and I could go out after dinner someplace quiet and just reminisce a little if that's okay with you, Julia, hmm?"

Julia felt Danny's eyes on her even before she looked up from her menu, and she fixed her best smile on her face. "Yes. That sounds like fun, Ross. We could catch up on what we've been doing."

"Good."

Maybe that was her whole problem with Miles, she decided. Maybe she was just attracted to him because he was the only man she knew. Maybe if she were given a decent alternative, she could break free of that supernatural control he seemed to have over her. Ross was a bit uncouth, a bit unpolished, but he was also a bachelor, and he'd also pulled himself up by his bootstraps and seemed to be a decent man with a good heart who bore no one any grudge. She even admired him for his strength of character.

The waiter came with their drinks and took their order and Julia relaxed, and when Ross offered a toast to old times and better times to come, she clinked glasses with him and drank along, thinking maybe this night wouldn't be so bad after all.

* * * * *

"How'd it go?" Skip asked her when she got home. He'd come over to keep an get his lasagna and keep an eye on the girls, even though Julia hadn't had to ask him to. That's the kind of friend he was. Mal and Beth were both in bed though, and Skip was watching some live crime show on cable.

"Pretty well," she said. "All things considered. How was the lasagna?"

"I was just going to have a nightcap. Join me?"

"Oh Lord, no! I will have some wine though."

"I brought over some chianti.. Warm me up a slice, would you, honey. And then tell me all about it. I'm dying to hear about this. Was he just like in high school? Did he still have a 'kick me' sign taped to his back?"

Skip sat down at the dining room table as Julia went into her bedroom and changed, throwing on some jeans and a sweatshirt, carefully hanging up her outfit. As she did so, she caught a glimpse in the mirror of the fading bruises on her arms and the bite marks on her breasts from her night with Miles, and she felt a strange thrill, a kind of pride. If she were to pursue Hannibal—Ross—there would be sex involved, and sooner rather than later. How long would it take for these bruises to heal?

"No," she called. "In fact, I couldn't believe the change in him."

She walked out of the bedroom, pulling down the sleeves of the sweat shirt.

"He's poised, confident, quite charming, and very good looking. Kind of dashing, is what I'd call him."

Skip stared. "Julia! That doesn't sound like you! Do you have a crush? Did he seduce you with his high school antics? What did you do?"

"We had dinner, talked some business, and then he and I went out for drinks. The bar at the Burnham, by the fireplace. Reminisced about high school, talked about our lives. It was quite sweet, really."

"Oh God! You're hooked! You fell for this guy!"

She cut a piece of lasagna, trying not to blush. "I'm not hooked! I just had a surprisingly good time with a man who turned out to be more charming than I expected."

"And you're going out with him again, aren't you?"

"Well, I have to. It's part of my job."

Skip watched her put the lasagna into the microwave, then laughed. "Of course it is, Julie. Of course."

She ignored him, laying a plate and napkin and knife and fork in front of him.

"So? Tell me about him? What's he like? Strong and silent? Gift of gab? What? Good-looking?"

"Well, he's very outdoorsy looking, kind of wind-burned. He has a boat he spends a lot of time on, likes to be outdoors. Blond, blond mustache. Very outgoing, direct, frank..."

Here she paused, not wanting to say too much, because she worried about Ross, his bluff manners and crudity. She left out the magic tricks he tried to entertain her with at the Burnham, pulling coins out of her ear and making her give him numbers that he then had her add together backwards and sideways to produce some number he already knew. He was just a little unpolished, that's all.

Skip cocked an eyebrow. "Really?

She could tell he was skeptical, and she suddenly she felt skeptical too. She'd been thinking of Ross as a father for the girls, as a provider and source of stability, and she'd been thinking of how much he'd changed since high school, how remarkable it was that he'd made such a success out of himself. But talking to Skip she was faced with explaining why she thought he was of interest to her, and she was having a hard time, and she could tell Skip knew it.

"So what did you guys do?"

"Oh, well after dinner we went to the Burnham, as I said, and we talked. He told me all about his life and I told him about mine, told him about the girls and Ryan, told him about you..."

The microwave rang and she took out the plate and put it on the table, poured them both some wine and sat down opposite him.

"Mmm, it's good," he said, digging in. "It's even better warm."

"You ate it cold before?"

"Sorry. I couldn't wait."

"You're disgusting, Skip."

"I know."

He ate a bit more and said, "This isn't the guy you saw the other night when you came home, is it? Who was that?"

Julia realized he was talking about the night she'd come back from seeing Miles, and her face flushed with color. Skip had the decency not to notice, concentrating on his food, but he didn't let her off the hook.

"There's someone else you're seeing, isn't there? Not that you have to tell me about it, but you were glowing the other day, Julie. You looked the way women look when women look that way they do, if you know what I mean. Not, as I say, that it's any of my business..."

Julia guiltily drank her wine.

"Yes. You're right. There is someone else, but I think I'm through with him. We had a few dates, that's all. He's not right for me."

Skip licked his fork thoughtfully. "Going to tell?"

"There's nothing to tell!" Julia was a terrible liar, assuming a shocked, wide-eyed tone. "He's a man I met and we had a few dates and they were fun but he's not for me."

"Mmm," Skip said thoughtfully. "Dynamite in bed though, wasn't he?"

"Skip! For God's sake!"

"Oh Julia! Don't be such a fucking prude! You came in here glowing like Methuselah's birthday cake! It's about time you got laid! These last few days have been the first time you've been decent to Mal in months!"

"What are you talking about?"

"What? You don't know? The way you treat that girl? You're wound up tighter than a spring most of the time and you take it all out on Mal. You don't think she doesn't feel it?"

"Where did you hear that?"

"Where do you think? She talks to me."She thinks she's responsible for the diovorce you know. She thinks she's responsible for your unhappiness."

"My unhappiness? What unhappiness. Oh come on! This is just more of your Dr. Phil crap, Skip, all that business about the children of divorce feeling responsible for it."

"I don't think so, Julia. You should talk to her some time. I worry about Mal She's starting to notice boys, and she's making some bad choices."

"Bad choices!" Julia mimicked. Then she sat up. "What do you mean?"

Skip looked at her as if he knew he'd gone too far and betrayed a loyalty. but still, he was Julia's friend as much as he was Mal's, and he worried about the girls as if they were his own.

"Ask Beth. Mal's hanging around with some hard-core jerks. Young hiphop wanna-be's. Street trash. She's got real self-esteem problems. She lets them push her around."

"Push her around? You mean physically?"

"Now don't get all bent out of shape. It's just this one guy she's got a crush on. You know that bad-boy stage girls go through..."

"Oh, my God!" Julia rested her head in her hand. "She told you all this?"

"Not in those words, but I can tell what's going on. She's sweet on this guy who treats her like dirt, and I think it's probably her guilt over the divorce."

Julia's heart ached. She hadn't talked to Mal for a while now. She didn't know what was going on with her and school and boys, not that they ever did talk that much. She thought back to herself at that age and her own submissive fantasies, and she thought of what she was doing with Miles now. Was there something wrong with her own self-esteem that she let Miles push her around? But this was different. This was something she wanted. Wasn't it? She never would have let a boy bully her, and Miles didn't bully her now. What they did was a kind of ritual, a fantasy lived out—sexual. She couldn't imagine Mal was involved in anything like that.

"God, it makes me sick to hear that" she said. "I'll have to talk to her and put an end to this." She looked at Skip. "Do you think she needs to talk to someone? Professionally?"

Skip finished his lasagna and pushed the plate away. "I think she just needs to see her mother happier. You've been so stressed out, lately, Julia. That other night was the first time I've seen you happy and relaxed in months. You've been distracted and snappy ever since Christmas."

"Oh God, is it that obvious?"

"No, I'm lying to you. Making this all up," he said. "I've told you this before, Julia. I keep on telling you to take some time off and go out and relax. Why do you think I've been playing lasagna whore, offering my baby-sitter services?"

"I thought you liked my lasagna."

"I love it. But really, I'll be happy to watch the girls if you'd get your ass out more and blow off some steam. Danny's making you crazy down there, and you're taking it out on the girls, especially Mal. Go out and get laid. Pick up some guy at a sleazy club. Walk the streets at night."

Julia drank some wine and refilled their glasses. She took Skip's plate to the sink and washed it and put it in the dishwasher, then turned around and said, "I've been seeing a man who ties me up."

"Ties you up? You mean, keeps you busy? Or ties you up as in ties you up with rope?"

"As in ties me up with rope."

Skip didn't blink. "Okay, darling. And...?"

"And I like it."

He shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat, Julia. I've done it too. With the right person, it can be quite exciting."

She didn't know if she was disappointed or relieved. She came back to the table and ran her fingers through her hair.

"No, you don't understand, Skip. I really like it, like I might be addicted to it, like there might be something wrong with me."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't explain it. When he does it to me, it's like I turn into another person, like he sets something free in me. It's like some damned made-for-TV movie. It almost scares me how powerful it is, Skip."

Skip played with his wine glass. "Uh huh. And you're sure it's the tying-up and not the tier-upper? You're sure it's not the guy who's doing this to you you're so crazy about?"

Julia stopped and looked at him. The thought had never really occurred to her. What was Miles without his cuffs and collar and chains? She could hardly separate the two

"Of course not. I barely know the man. I mean... I don't mean it like that, I'm being careful, but I don't know him well enough to feel things like this. Skip, I've never been involved in anything like this in my life. The whole thing is terribly embarrassing and I haven't told a soul. You have to keep it a secret."

"Of course, Julie," he said. "I'm not going to call the papers. But what are you so worried about? If you've got this wonderful lover who makes you glow like that, what are you doing going out to dinner with the California Yachtsman?"

"Skip, I'm not into this rope stuff. I can't be! It's bondage! It's perverse. What am I going to do? Invite him home and introduce him to the girls? He owns a shop that sells whips and collars and handcuffs! No, this is just a fling for me, to get it out of my system. If I'm going to remarry, and I'm not saying I will, it'll be someone who can be a good father to the girls."

Skip laughed. "You're so full of it, Julia! You don't even know what you want."

"Look, I'm serious! When I was young, I was just like Mal. I used to have dreams about being captured and taken away by some aggressive, possessive man. That was always a fantasy of mine, and now look at where it's led me. I don't need that in my life now. I worked too hard to get where I am."

"Julia, those are too different things. BDSM and being bullied are two different things. They're not the same at all. One's social and one's sexual..."

"It doesn't matter. I'm breaking it off with this guy. I've already decided. He has too much power over me and it makes me uneasy. It's too dangerous, and if word of this got out, it could just ruin me. Ross reminded me of what a relationship between a man and a woman can be like. He wants to take me out to dinner tomorrow and I told him yes. I've got to get back to normal in my life, Skip. I can't have this kind of madness running wild all over me."

Chapter Eight

When Miles called her on Tuesday, she simply didn't take the call, though it gave her butterflies to listen to his voice on her answering machine. She told herself that she was simply too upset after yesterday's session to talk to him, but in fact she was just not ready to face him. She'd have to tell him sooner or later, but she thought she'd wait till she'd calmed down a but and things were more settled with Ross.

Settled. That's the word she used. As if they were moving into a house together or starting some enterprise.

You're so full of shit, Skip had told her. You don't even know what you want.

Maybe not, but she knew what she should want, and that was close enough.

She wore a stunning black pantsuit she had that made her ass look great, and a string of faux pearls that would hang between her breasts and pull the fabric taut between them, a trick she'd learned from Lynn. She wore her sexy underwear too—black lace panties and demi bra. Ross picked her up at home, and Skip was there to meet him along with the girls. There'd been no time to talk to Mal about what was going on with her and her boy trouble, and Julia felt unduly nervous about bringing Ross over, like a negligent mother. Then there was the problem of how to introduce Skip. She'd already described him as a bachelor neighbor, and if Ross was aware of Skip's sexual orientation, he didn't seem bothered by it.

The girls were mildly curious about Ross but not unduly impressed bu his jacket, sports shirt and slacks. He looked nice in a country club kind of way, and when Julia caught Skip's eye as Ross bantered with the girls, Skip raised his eyebrows non-cottally. "So-so" his expression said.

But when it came time for the obligatory small talk with Skip, he used it to interview Ross as if Julia were his own daughter and Ross an acne-ridden teenager with an overpowered car with dice hanging from the rearview mirror, and Julia couldn't wait to get Ross out of there. Ross himself seemed oblivious to Skip's questions.