Mike & Savy Ch. 06

"What year are you?"

"Uh... freshman."

"Me too, but I've never seen you here or in the intro classes. Which music program are you in?"

He continued prepping his cello.

"I'm not... I'm in biology."

"Biology... and you play like that? Interesting."

"Uh... thanks. I'll get out of your way now. Sorry again."

"Hey, don't worry about it. I don't have a reservation either. Since you're not in music, do you know where to reserve space? I could show you."

I finished packing up and was headed for the door.

"No, that's okay. I just play to relax sometimes. Thanks, though."

As I headed through the door, I heard him say, "Hope to see you around!" I waved my hand behind me.

When I got back to my room, Amy was there. She saw my case and asked, "Whatcha got?"

"It's my violin. I brought it back from home with me."

"That's right, I remember you'd said you played, but never saw you. You started up again, huh?"

"Yeah..."

"Hey, you wanna go to a party tomorrow? Some guys I know are throwing a small one for coming back to school. Should be fun."

"Uh, no thanks. I've got some things to work on."

"All work and no play makes Savannah a dull girl," she teased me.

"Maybe next time."

February passed like that. I worked hard in class. I wasn't going to let another semester like fall happen again. When I wasn't studying or working on a paper, I would sometimes walk over to the performing arts center to play. I could stand there, my violin comfortably under my chin, and lose myself in music. I even found some time to hang it in the lounge and play cards with friends again.

I was starting to feel like Savannah again. It was a difficult transition for me, considering where I'd been.

I continued seeing Dr. Vargas regularly. We talked about my family. I wasn't defined by the actions of my biological parents. I could be defined by who I wanted to be. I could define myself. She seemed to be working on building my confidence in myself as much as any other issues.

We talked about Mike, too. Those were hard days and I cried often. I asked her how I could still love him, knowing he is my brother... and... he left me. Every time, she would tell me that it wasn't my fault and I had nothing to be ashamed of. As many times as she said it, it was hard to really believe. All I had to do that day in my room was say one word, stay, but I didn't. It haunted me. What ifs can eat you alive.

Late in February, I was watching a Maryland basketball game in the lounge with a group of people. Alexei came in and sat next to me at a table near the back. After a couple minutes, he takes me on the hand.

"Hey Savannah."

"Hi."

"It's good seeing you back out here with the rest of us."

"Yeah..."

"Um... I was wondering if you'd been to Adele's."

Adele's is a fairly nice, relatively speaking, restaurant in the Student Union and is a well known place for students living on campus to go on dates, since it's easily accessible without a car.

"Uh... no."

"Would you... um... be interested in going... with me?"

My eyes almost bugged out of my head. I'd never actually been asked out on a date before. Alexei was a nice guy, but I didn't think of him like that.

I stammered, "Um... I... uh..."

His face turned down a bit.

"Oh, no. It's okay. I'm sorry."

He almost fell over backwards he pushed away from the table so fast. He stood up and quickly left the room. I watched him go, my jaw practically on the floor.

After the game, I went up to Maria's room. Her door was open and I found her sitting at her computer. I plopped down on her bed.

"You're not going to believe what just happened to me."

"What's up?"

"Well, I was watching the game and Alexei came and sat next to me and then... he asked me out. On a date."

"Oh my god! What did you say?"

"No! Of course."

"Oh, poor Alexei. He's a sweet guy."

"Why would he do that?"

"Honey, seriously? Everyone knows that you're single now. And you're absolutely gorgeous."

I blushed at her compliment and looked away from her.

She continued, "Frankly, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before now. He's had a crush on you since you moved in."

"No!"

"... and he's not the only one. Sweetheart, you're beautiful, smart, and completely awesome. Guys would line up around the campus for you."

"No..."

I wasn't used to this at all.. Nobody had ever shown the slightest bit of interest in me until... Mike. I sighed. I always sighed when I thought about him. Every time I did, I was torn between wishing I could be with him and wishing I could think about anything other than him.

I looked back at Maria and she was staring at me.

"It's okay, you don't ever have to say yes. But you're also a girl who deserves a good time and you don't owe anyone anything."

I knew what she was hinting at, but wouldn't say out of respect for me. Maria and I sat and hung out for a while until I went downstairs to bed.

As the weeks passed and my inner turmoil continued, I found myself spending more and more time at the performing arts center. I was getting to know the walk well enough to the point that it calmed me when I was at my worst. By the time I'd find a quiet room for myself, the tension had slid out of me and I could just... play.

One day I was in my favorite room, with windows overlooking a courtyard. In the middle of wildly mixing pieces from "Phantom of the Opera" together, swinging between the sweetness of "Think of Me" and the intensity of "Down Once More", I heard the door open. I quickly stopped and gathered my things to rush out of the room, as I typically did when someone came into where I was playing, when a man stepped in.

"Wait! Stop!"

I turned and looked at him. He was middle-aged and completely bald, very tall and thin.

"I'm sorry. Nobody was using the room. I don't have it reserved. I'll leave."

He held up his hand. "No, wait. It's you."

Me? What?

"Are you... Savannah?"

I had never seen this man before, that I could remember, even in the corridors of the center.

"Um... Who are you?"

"I'm Max. I'm a professor here. You're Savannah."

"How do you know me? Have we met?"

He stepped further into the room.

"No, no. About a month ago, one of my students came into class raving about a girl he had heard playing violin. He said she was incredible and that I had to hear her play, that her tone and clarity were perfect. He said that her name was Savannah and she had incredibly long hair. It's you."

I searched my memory and remembered when I was in the wood room (as I called it to myself). Another student had come in. Josh.

"I... I'm sorry. I have to go."

"No, please. I just heard you. How long have you been playing? Are you a student here?"

"Um... yes. I'm a student."

"Why aren't you in the music school?"

"I'm studying biology."

He chuckled. "A scientist violinist! Wonderful." He clapped his hands.

"Would you play for me?"

"Why?"

"I'd like to hear you."

This was making me tremendously nervous. Of course I'd performed in middle school and high school, but my violin was for me now and I didn't know this man.

He sat down in one of the chairs in the room and held his hand out, directing me towards the playing area.

"Please?"

I set my case down, unaware that I'd been clutching it this entire time.

"What would you like to hear?"

"What do you enjoy playing?"

I lowered my head a bit. This man was obviously expecting something, I wasn't sure what. I was almost ashamed when I said, "The Beatles." I'd loved them ever since I was a young girl, when mom would play them while we cleaned the house or cooked dinner. When I looked up, he was smiling broadly at me.

"Excellent! Please... play."

I slowly took out my violin and checked the strings and the bow. I shrugged to myself and stepped towards the front of the room. I lifted my arms, took a deep breath, and played.

I began with the familiar melody to "Norwegian Wood", mimicking the sound of the sitar before shifting to a cleaner, more classical violin tone and settling into the rhythm of "Mother Nature's Son", playing it as if it were a symphony. At the bridge, I went back to "Norwegian Wood", playing the bridge from that song, but with the clean symphonic tone I had been using. For the last verse, I switched back to mimicking the sitar until the last note of the melody, drawing it out for several seconds.

When I finished, I lowered my violin and waited for him to politely thank me and then excuse himself. He sat for a moment and then asked, "Have you ever played those two songs together before?"

I answered quietly, "No."

"Marvelous. Savannah, I don't know how you slipped past us... did you not apply for the music school?"

"No, I just... I..."

"It's okay, dear. It doesn't matter. What's important is that now you're here and I would very much like to hear you play again. Would you be willing to come back tomorrow? I'd love to talk to you more about your future here."

My future?

"Please promise that you'll come to my office tomorrow. Is three o'clock okay? Do you have another class?" He reached into the bag that he had with him and pulled out a card, then handed it to me. I stared at it, with his name, the Maryland logo, contact information, and his office number.

"No, no class. I..."

He cut me off before I could decline.

"Great, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Thank you, Savannah!"

Just as quickly as he'd appeared, he was gone. I stood holding my violin, my arms hanging limply at my sides. What had just happened?

I packed my things and walked back to the dorm. That was certainly one of the stranger events I'd experience since coming to college.

Back at the dorm, I went to dinner with Maria and the we sat in the quieter study lounge on the third floor and did some reading and class work. I was having a hard time focusing through the thoughts running wild in my head.

The next day, I went back to my room after class and sat on my bed reading. In reality, though, I was watching time tick by on the clock. When three o'clock hit, I set down my book and stared at my violin, which was leaning against my desk. I didn't pick it up. I loved playing. It was like it was healing me. But I wasn't in any way ready to consider playing for other people. I didn't know what the professor, Max, expected from me. I was at Maryland to study biology. Music was simply an emotional outlet now, nothing more.

It was two weeks before I went back to the performing arts center. Instead of going through the main entrance, I found a side entrance. I didn't go back to the room I had been in when Max had found me. I found another room down a hallway that looked quiet and had no traffic. After I settled in, I played, but tentatively. I was nervous and couldn't let my mind pull the music apart, control it, and reform it. I played for about an hour, without interruption, thankfully. I packed my things and made my way out of the building and back to my dorm.

Fortunately, I began to relax over the next few weeks. I didn't have any more run-ins with Max or Josh at the performing arts center. Every once in awhile, someone would come in who had the room reserved and I would leave quickly. That was fine by me.

Even better, winter had released its grip and spring was creeping onto campus. Early in April, the campus seemed to suddenly bloom. The flower beds were planted with a variety of colorful flowers, including the 'M' at the front of campus in reds and whites. Everything was newly mulched. The grass returned to bright green and trees around campus bloomed in wonderful whites and pinks. It was simply gorgeous and as I could spend more and more time outside with the rising temperature, I felt my spirits lift. And the smell. Everything just smelled so fresh.

When an early warm spell passed through, I put on a pair of shorts for the first time in ages and sat on the mall reading. It seemed like almost every student on campus was out that day, walking around, sitting on the grass, or running after a frisbee or ball. At one point, a frisbee landed near me and a decently handsome blonde guy came over to pick it up. He asked if I'd like to join them, but I declined. When I told Maria, she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "I told you so."

In late April, things were going well. I could laugh and smile with friends. I was doing well in my classes. I loved playing again. I was regularly seeing both Jeff and Mia, including for a few fun trips to Annapolis or downtown into DC. Earlier in the month, they took me to see the cherry blossoms around the Tidal Basin for the first time. My appointments with Dr. Vargas were now every two weeks and served more as her checking in on me. We generally talked about random college life things, not what had happened.

And then I received an email from mom. Mike was moving to Spain. I crashed, again.

He hadn't just left me now, he was trying to get as far away from me as possible. I had gotten to the point where I could think of him and not break down. But now the knot in my stomach that had persisted at a low level for months suddenly felt like it was all that existed in me. I shut down again.

Amy was rarely around, as she was dating a guy who lived off campus. However, when I went three days without seeing Maria, she came and knocked on my door, which I had been leaving shut. I opened the door for her.

"Hey, where have you been?"

"Here."

She looked at me and asked, "Are you okay, sweetie?"

I sighed. "Come in."

After we sat down, she pressed me, "What's going on?"

"Mike is moving... to Spain."

"Oh..."

I rubbed my face to try and hold back tears. "I'd thought that at some point, he and I would talk again. But now, he's not just staying away from me, he's completely leaving."

Maria came over to me and hugged me.

"Honey, it'll be okay. I don't have any idea what he's thinking, but I'm sure he's hurting, too. He may not know what else to do."

Maria and I sat together talking for a long time. She did her best to comfort me, but the pain was still too fresh. There was no comfort. Eventually I went to bed. I would wake up several times every night, feeling like his arms had just been around me and then were gone.

The next day, Maria met me for lunch and then after my last class, which was in a building near her class. She asked what I was planning on doing and I said that I wanted to go to the performing arts center to play. She asked if she could come and, for the first time, I said yes.

We stopped by the dorm and picked up my violin before walking across campus to the performing arts center. I went in through the side door, with Maria trailing behind, and went to the wood room. Even though I hadn't played in there for awhile, it was still my favorite room and helped to set me at ease now that I'd be playing in front of someone I knew.

Inside, Maria commented, "Wow, this is a really beautiful room. This is where you play all the time?"

I answered her, "Not always. There's other rooms that I like, because they're used less and I'm less likely to be interrupted."

She went and sat in a chair on the side of the room, well away from the performing area. I prepared my violin and went to the front of the room.

I raised my arms and began, "Adagio for Strings" by Samuel Barber. It reflected my mood. I started quietly, timidly, but soon lost myself as I built to the crescendo. I fell back into the melancholy of the piece and by the time I reached the final bars, I was playing as quietly as I could, to the point that I could barely hear my the final notes. I pulled my bow away from the strings and looked up at Maria.

She was crying.

She stood up and walked quickly to me, before throwing her arms around me.

"Honey, that was beautiful. I can't even describe it."

I rested my head on her shoulder and cried, too. We quietly walked back to the dorm, with my arm in hers. I was thankful to have a friend that I could share myself in that way with.

The next day, I stopped by Dr. Vargas' office in the health center. I didn't have an appointment, but by this point, she knew me well enough to know what kind of state I was in and invited me in.

After a quick hello, she got right to the point and asked me what was wrong. I told her that Mike was moving to Spain and that I felt like he didn't even want to be in the same country as me. She sighed and assured me that wasn't the case. If anything, she thought that he was running away from dealing with his life here.

We talked for about fifteen minutes, but she had another appointment. I apologized for taking her time and, as always, she told me to stop by any time I needed to. I thanked her and headed back to my dorm.

I had a hard time focusing on studying that night. I just kept rolling around in my head all of the reasons why Mike could be leaving. By the time I went to sleep, I just kept thinking over and over, it's time.

The next morning, I woke up a bit early and went to the dining hall for a quick breakfast. After my classes, I grabbed my violin and headed to the performing arts center. I walked in through the front door and reached into my case, scrounging around for a card. I pulled it out and set off. I knocked on an office door.

"Yes? Come in."

I opened the door and stuck my head inside. Max looked up from his desk.

"Savannah!"

I slipped through the door and into his office.

"Can I sit down?"

"Please, please."

I sat down and rested my violin against my chair. "I'm sorry that I didn't come here sooner."

His face was gentle and he never stopped smiling. "It's quite all right. You're here now."

We talked for an hour. He asked me how long I had been playing, what kind of performances I'd given in school, and whether I'd had any proper training. I tried to answer his questions as quickly as he threw them at me. He wanted to know how I played, whether I used sheet music, and how I went about improvising songs.

I tried to explain, the violin just makes sense to me. Of course I knew how to read sheet music and found it helpful when I was learning a song, especially the more complex symphonies. When it came to modern music, I guess I just listened to it enough that I could figure the notes out in my head and memorize them. It's hard to describe, but I guess I could almost see the notes in my mind, the tempo and measures. I could find the patterns in two disparate songs and mix and match them as I pleased, all in my head, with my fingers following quickly behind.

After almost every answer, he would respond with "Marvelous, simply marvelous." After I had satisfied his inquisition, he asked me if I'd be interested in continuing playing, but in a more official capacity. I didn't have to give up my biology major if I didn't want to, but he asked me to consider a music theory or performance minor and to arrange formal practice sessions every week.

Everything was moving faster than I'd expected, but in the end, my heart just kept telling my brain, "This is good for you." I was about ready to leave when he asked if I'd play for him again. We stepped across the hall into a practice room and I prepared myself. I was more confident this time and chose a more classical piece, "Air on the G String". It was an arrangement I knew very well and I could focus on tone and clarity, letting myself feel the music through my instrument.

When I finished playing, Max said nothing for several minutes and then, simply and quietly, "Marvelous."

I left, but not before Max extracted a promise that I would be back in two days, when my schedule allowed. After returning to my dorm, I grabbed some materials to study and instead of staying in my room or going to the lounge, I went back outside. I kicked off my sandals and walked barefoot through the grass behind the dorm before picking a tree and sitting under it.