Mike & Savy Ch. 10

The thoughts rampaging through my head prevented me from going to sleep until sheer exhaustion consumed me.

I woke up with a jolt. I was turned on my side and curled into a ball, clutching my pillow to my chest.

I slid my arm across the bed and whispered, "Mike."

He wasn't there.

I sat up quickly and my head turned from side to side searching for him. Where was he? Yesterday was real, right? I had told him everything and he still loved me...

Then I remembered. He was in the living room.

"You have to relax," I told myself. This isn't healthy. Still, I wanted to see him.

I slid out of bed and quietly opened my door, peering into the hallway. My eyes slowly adjusted to the lack of light and I walked noiselessly to the living room.

There he was, sleeping on the sofa. I moved next to him and sat down on the floor, leaning against the couch.

My emotions were at battle with each other, as I struggled with the knowledge that he was back in my life and the fear that I would lose him. It felt like all I had done was hurt people that I cared about. What if I hurt him again or if he decided that I wasn't worth being with?

I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, match the slow rhythm of his breathing. It will be okay. He loves you. Trust him to love you despite, or even because of, all of your faults.

Easier said than done.

I lightly rested my hand on his leg and laid my head down on the sofa. Just touching him soothed me and pushed the doubts and fears into dark corners of my mind. Touching him was reality, not what ifs.

At some point, I felt myself moving, but it wasn't enough to wake me from my sleep. It was as if I were moving in my dream, but I couldn't remember or focus on what I had been dreaming about.

I woke up and could feel his arms around me. The fears were replaced by joy. I shifted my head slightly and pressed my lips against the skin of his chin, now covered with slight whiskers from a night's worth of growth. They tickled my lips.

Mike turned and his lips found mine. I slid my hand up to the nape of his neck, running my fingers through the soft hair and pulling myself to him.

He pulled his lips away from mine and rested his cheek against my forehead.

"When did you come out here?"

I tried to think. I wasn't sure.

"I... don't know. It was still dark."

And then I remembered the conflicted emotions I'd had last night when I lay in bed.

"I just... I wanted to be near you. Please don't be angry."

I know I'm messed up, Mike. I'll get better.

His voice was soothing. "How could I be angry? I'm here for you. I love having you next to me. I love you."

Everything he said was right. I didn't deserve him, but I was so thankful to have him.

He pulled me tight to his body.

"I love you, Mike. I'm so sorry."

My eyes were squeezed shut to prevent tears from escaping.

Again, his voice was soft, but convincing. "Savy, please forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong."

I couldn't forgive myself, but I hoped he would.

"Do you forgive me?"

"Of course I do. It's okay. We're here now, together."

I hope so.

I sighed and focused on the feeling of being with him again. I rubbed my cheek against his skin until I was resting against his chest. His arms held me firmly and I drifted into a soft dreamworld, halfway between consciousness and sleep.

I could smell coffee brewing, but Mike hadn't moved. I rubbed my eyes to wipe away the sleep and dried tears.

"Oh, Maria must be up."

Mike looked down at me. "Yup. So, how do you want to spend the day?"

There was only one thing I wanted.

"With you."

"That sounds exactly like what I planned."

I sighed. I couldn't control my mind when I was asleep, but when I was awake, he was making it so easy to trust that I'd never lose him again.

I pulled him to me and kissed him, softly at first, but then with more of the pent up passion I felt for him.

I stood up and went to find Maria in the kitchen.

She asked me, "Did you two sleep out there?"

I blushed a bit, hoping we hadn't made her uncomfortable.

"Oh... um... no. Mike did. I just came out this morning. I'm sorry."

"It's no problem, honey. I was just curious."

I poured two cups of coffee and added cream to mine. Maria followed me back into the living room with her own cup.

She rested her hand on my arm and whispered to me, "Take your time," then went to her bedroom.

I sat down next to Mike and curled up my legs under me. I leaned on Mike and felt the warmth of my mug in my hands. We watched light slowly spread across the woods next to my apartment and the Maryland campus in distance.

Eventually, I figured I should ask him.

"Will you stay here tonight?"

He looked down at me.

"Of course. I'll need to get some things from my apartment, though."

"Okay. I need to call mom. She's been emailing me about my trip to North Carolina. I should let her know what happened."

I had no idea what her reaction was going to be. She really liked Josh and after he came to visit us for Thanksgiving and I went to North Carolina for New Year's, she probably expected everything to be going great.

"Are you going to tell her about us?"

I wanted to. There was nothing she could tell us that would cause me to react the way I had last time. I wasn't afraid of us being torn apart again. But I was worried that if I told her about us at the same time as I told her about Josh, she'd be angry with Mike.

"Not yet. I want to. I want to tell everyone about us, but I think she'll be shocked enough that Josh and I aren't together. I don't think she can handle everything at once."

"You're right."

I watched as Mike stood up. He seemed a bit stiff and I felt guilty that he slept on the sofa.

At the door, I let Mike envelope me with his arms and I sunk into his chest. I looked up at him, to see his beautiful eyes focusing on me. He kissed me quickly.

"Mike, bring everything you need for the week. I don't want to spend a night without you."

I hoped he wouldn't sleep on the sofa, either. I wanted to fall asleep with him. I wasn't worried about if it were too fast or too soon for us; we were well beyond worrying about that in our relationship.

"Alright. I love you. I'll be back soon."

"Okay. I love you, too."

After Mike was gone, I went into my bedroom and sat on my bed, holding my phone in my hand. I wasn't sure how to explain to mom that Josh and I broke up without telling her the real reason.

I sighed and called.

"Savannah?"

"Hi, mom." I doubt that I could hide the resignation in my voice. "Do you have time to talk?"

"Of course. Is something wrong?"

"Um... not exactly, but..."

"Savannah, what happened?"

"Um... Josh and I broke up."

Saying it out loud certainly brought back the sadness of that moment when I rejected him.

"What?! Sweetie, what happened? Was it something in North Carolina?"

"Yeah... um... I went down there and his family was really nice. But on New Year's Eve, he asked me to marry him."

Mom tried to speak, "Savan..."

I cut her off, "Mom. Wait. I told him that I couldn't marry him."

"But... why? You two seemed... perfect." I could hear her shock and... disappointment.

"I just... couldn't, mom. I cared, I do care, about Josh a lot, but I can't marry him."

"Savannah, you don't have to get married right away. You shouldn't get married until you graduate, anyway. But that doesn't mean you have to break up. What did he say?"

"I broke his heart. It's not just the timing, it's just... I saw the ring and he asked me and the only answer that I had was no."

"Surely you two can work it out..."

"We can't, mom."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Not since I left his house. He asked me to leave and I drove back. Max said he asked to quit the ensemble, but I told Max to convince him to stay. I can do other things, but Josh has been in the group since he came to Maryland."

"You have to talk to him, honey. Maybe..."

I cut her off, again. She wasn't listening to me. I couldn't let her think there was a chance that Josh and I would get back together. I did understand where she was coming from though, as this must be pretty out of the blue for her.

"Mom, please. I will talk to him at some point, but right now, he's hurting and I don't think he wants to hear from me. And even when we do talk, it's not going to be about getting back together. It's... just not going to happen."

"Savannah, are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I feel awful about what happened and how it happened, but it did. I'll get through this. Really."

We talked for several more minutes, though thankfully she dropped the subject of Josh and I. Still, I didn't for a minute believe she was through saying her part on the issue. When we hung up, she told me to call her if I needed anything.

Mike wasn't back yet, so I started cleaning the apartment. I let my mind focus on something other than all the changes that had happened in my life recently. I had just finished vacuuming when I heard a knock on the door, hoping it would be Mike.

I opened the door and there he was. He was smiling at me and his hair was swirling around his face. He looked so happy.

As he walked in, he held up a bouquet of beautiful calla lilies. I immediately threw myself against him, squeezing around his waist with my arms. I released him and took the flowers from him to put on the dining table. He took the groceries into the kitchen and I showed him where various things went. After everything was put away, we went and sat on the couch together. Sitting with him was already my favorite thing to do.

Mike asked me about my call with mom. I told him that she was shocked and didn't seem to understand, which I didn't blame her for, since I didn't tell her the full reason why I rejected Josh. Neither one of us knew when the right time to tell her would be.

Mike made me let him make dinner and before too long, we were sitting and eating lasagna with Maria. We watched the Maryland basketball game, which resulted in a nice win in their last tune up before conference play started. After the game, Maria went to bed and Mike and I stayed on the couch to watch a movie.

I loved the feeling of him spooning me, with one of his arms serving as my pillow and the other resting lightly on my hip. I scooted back against him so tightly that I could feel his chest expanding and contracting against my back as he breathed.

All of my anxieties melted away when I could feel his body against mine and he was so wonderful when we were together, that I knew I'd become more and more comfortable during the times we weren't. I'd conquer those fears and worries.

When Mike got up to get ready for bed, I went into my bedroom and got ready for bed myself. I heard him leave the bathroom, but he didn't come in to my bedroom. I went and brushed my teeth, then walked out to the living room. Mike was sitting on the sofa.

I took his hand, watching as my own small hands barely wrapped around one of his.

It's okay, I want to be with you. "Come to bed, Mike."

His eyes were locked on me. "Are you sure?"

Yes. Completely.

"Come to bed."

With a gentle pull to reassure him, he got up and followed me into my bedroom holding my hand. I pulled back the covers and climbed into bed with him following me. I pulled my hair behind me and lay facing him. When he kissed me, my body went completely limp against his.

The feeling of being with him is completely indescribable.

I knew he was tired and needed to sleep for work in the morning, so I had to tear myself away from him. I lay with my face inches from his and stared into his eyes. I ran my hand up the back of his neck and through his hair, then around his ear before pulling his hair back. His eyes slowly drifted closed and I continued stroking his hair while his face relaxed and he fell asleep.

"I love you, Mike."

I could feel my own heartbeat when I said those words. He's everything to me.

I watched him sleep for quite awhile before I gingerly kissed his nose and closed my eyes.

I woke up with a jolt, breathing hard and incredibly scared, although I didn't know why. I could feel how tense my body was. Mike was looking directly at me.

"Savy, it's okay. You're okay."

Over and over, my brain was screaming, "What have I done?! Why do I hurt people?" I fought back, "No... no... I didn't mean to," but my brain simply came back with, "You're damaged. You're terrible. All you do is take."

I lowered my head to Mike's chest and clenched at his shirt. I couldn't stop the tears.

I hated what I had done to Mike, then to Josh, but nothing scared me more than the thought that I would hurt Mike again.

In the back of my mind, I could hear Mike, "I love you, Savy. It will be okay."

I hope so... I hope so...

I don't know when I fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning, feeling Mike's lips. I opened my eyes and was greeted with his superb blue and green eyes, which were more blue in the early morning light, but with the gold flecks standing out clearly. It was the perfect way to wake up.

Suddenly I remembered the night before, waking up and crying. Mike had been there and held me. He was still here.

"You're here."

He brushed my cheek with his fingertips. "I always will be."

I slid my hand behind Mike, feeling the lean muscles of his back, and pulled myself to him.

How could I even remotely convey what I felt for him? I hoped that he could understand the full impact when I said, "I love you."

When he responded, I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but I thought I could hear in his voice that he did know how I feel. "I love you too, Savy."

Thank you, my Mike.

I knew I had to let him go, though, but it would be okay. He'd come back to me.

"I know you have to go to work. It's okay."

He kissed my cheek.

His words were tender and gentle. "Go back to sleep. I'll see you tonight."

I briefly closed my eyes while I felt him run his fingers through my hair, from my head to the very tips. He kissed my forehead and I felt the bed shift as his weight was taken away. I opened my eyes and watched as he left the room. When he was gone, I shut my eyes again.

I didn't hear him leave. Exhaustion from not sleeping well took hold of me.

I woke up again several hours later and instinctively reached for him, but of course he wasn't there. There was only the briefest moment before I remembered he was at work and I would see him soon enough.

It felt like I had barely had time to drink a cup of coffee and check my email before I heard a knock on the door.

I went to answer it, as Maria was out, and I almost couldn't breathe when I saw it was Mike. He didn't even wait for either of us to say anything before taking me in his embrace and picking me up. I could feel his muscles barely flexing as he lifted me effortlessly.

As he held me, his lips were near my ear and he whispered, "I just wanted to see you for a minute."

Oh, Mike! How can you be so perfect? I don't deserve you, but I'm glad I have you anyway.

"I love you. Thank you."

Mike had to go back to work, but spending just that single unexpected minute in his arms was so special for me.

After he left, I got dressed and drove to the performing arts center to practice. As I played, I closed my eyes and pictured looking down off the stage into Mike's eyes. Scales quickly turned into some of my favorite love songs and I knew what I wanted my next concert to be. I went to Max's office, but he wasn't in. I'd tell him on Tuesday, when I knew he had office hours.

I returned home and changed into comfortable pajamas and the sweatshirt Mike had gotten me. I was sitting curled up under a blanket in the living room when he got home. Within minutes, he was sitting in front of me and leaning against me, while my arms wrapped around under his and held his chest. I lightly traced his pecs and firm stomach through his shirt while we talked about his work. He was incredibly excited about the research he was involved with and I loved listening to him when he was so enthusiastic about what he was doing. I felt a small twinge in the back of my mind, thinking about the year of work he'd given up when he went to Spain because of how I had treated him.

Later in the evening, we were together in bed. I was relishing the feeling of his hand resting on my side, slowly tracing from my hip, around to the small of my back, up my spine, and back down.

I could see his brow slightly furrow and I knew he was thinking about something... unpleasant. I didn't want him to have any worries anymore. Before I could ask him, he spoke.

"Savy, I want to talk to you about something... about my time in Spain."

I had thought about the year he had spent in Spain. He'd told me about teaching and a few of his friends. He'd also gone to France for a week. But I also knew that after so long apart, it was unlikely that he'd been alone the entire time. I won't lie, there was a part of me that it made jealous, but I sequestered that negativity in the darkest corners of my mind. I had abandoned him and he deserved to be happy.

"Mike, you don't have to. It's okay."

He didn't hesitate at all, "No, I do. I don't know if you'll hate me or not, but the only way I know to go forward for us is to be completely open and honest with you."

No, Mike. It's okay, really.

"Don't say that. There's nothing that you could do to make me hate you."

I needed him to understand. I didn't blame him for anything that may have happened there. I held my palm to his cheek and moved myself closer, until I kissed him. I looked into his eyes. It's okay.

Still, Mike told me the story of his time in Spain. He was incredibly eloquent about the details and I could tell how important that time had been to him. I had returned to my violin to heal, he had Spain. It was somewhat fitting, since he was such an explorer, always looking out to something new.

When he told me that he had met a woman, Ana, and they had been in a relationship, I again felt that small pang of jealousy, before casting it aside. I had hurt him so badly that he set aside his entire life and left the country. If she had brought even a moment of happiness to him, helped to alleviate his pain, it was okay. It should have been me, but it wasn't.

I stared into his eyes, more green in the darkness of the bedroom. He looked so sad, like he was guilty.

"Mike, it's okay. I'm glad you weren't alone."

I wasn't just saying it to allay his concerns, I almost surprised myself with how much I meant it. If love is caring about someone so much that their happiness is more important than your own, then I truly loved Mike.

"I pushed you away and you deserved to find happiness. You didn't do anything wrong."

His face didn't soften, remaining frozen in remorse.

"I just..."

No. It's okay. I didn't let him finish. I pressed my lips to his until I felt him relax and kiss me back.

"I love you. I don't ever want you to be alone. I always want you to have love in your life."

He pressed his forehead to mine, in that special way that conveyed his love for me.

"As long as you're in my life, I will."

I kissed him again and pressed my small body to his. I wanted to hold him until he relaxed completely. I was here for him now. I would be the one, doing everything I possibly could to bring him joy. He's the love of my life and nothing else matters.

I slept through the entire night. It was the first time I hadn't woken up since I'd gotten back from North Carolina. When morning came, Mike's body was wrapped around mine. We woke up together. While he got ready for work, I made him coffee and left him at the door with a hug and a kiss.

I felt no anxiety. I knew that I would fall asleep in his arms again that night. What else could I possibly need?