Millicent

"Oh, but Olivia is wrong. I get out although it's true I haven't done any dating. I've been too busy with work and all."

I lied about that but I didn't want to talk about why I didn't date. My shame at what I had done was still too great and I still had that love in my heart. But the big reason? I saw the ring on his left hand and knew that he had moved on and there was another sweetie in his life. Then I committed.

"Are there any little Michaels yet? I can see you found someone." He toyed with his ring for a little bit and looked up at me with just a hint of sadness in his eyes.

"Yeah, well, not a Michael but a little Clara. She is two years old. She looks like my mom is what everybody tells me but I see her mom every time. I met Deb a couple years after we split, everything connected and we got married a year later. Another year and Clara came along."

Michael looked just a bit melancholy for a moment and then his smile returned.

"Michael, where do all you live now? Still around here?"

"No, no, I left the area and went up to Portland for a while and met Deb and after we married, ended up in Eugene. She did a teaching stint until the baby came and now, she's handling things best she can at home. We are actually getting ready to move back to her home town in Tennessee so she can be closer to her family."

"Oh my God, seriously? That's where I'm living, well, when I'm actually home that is, in the Memphis area."

"Yeah, that's what your Dad said, that you were a hillbilly now. Deb is from Germantown, just outside of Memphis."

That was a bit of a shocker. The one man I still loved was married now, with a baby and was moving to where I lived. That was a lot to digest. Then he threw in another ringer.

"Deb wants to meet you when we get settled in. We still have to close on our house first but once that's done, we'll be moving. Her mom want us to live in her house because it's so large and she is just finishing on a new house further out in the country. We'll see how things go."

He must have read the look on my face.

"Michael, why would your wife want to meet me? Doesn't she know our story?"

"Oh yes, she knows every bit of it. She knew it before we married. Milli, Deb is the one who got me grounded and showed me that all of us can change for the better and become that person they want to be. She laid herself bare and shared every transgression she made in her first marriage and always told me that someday you and I would sit down and have this conversation and be friends again. It wouldn't be who were both were before but two new people with shared experiences. So regardless of what you want, Deb wants to meet you. She wanted to meet you before we got married but I wasn't ready."

He just had this big grin on his face and all I could really do was agree.

"OK, when you get there, we'll do dinner and make a night of it, I promise. I don't have my own place. I share an apartment with a close friend and coworker so we can hit a nice place for dinner."

"Or maybe we'll invite you to our place and you can meet Clara as well."

We chatted for a bit longer and then we hugged and kissed goodbye. As I watched him walk away and turn back and wave, I had strong competing feelings. I was so happy for the joy in his life and at the same time I was mourning the loss in my own. Michael had successfully moved on and had a new family. As I sipped the last of my wine, I knew I still loved him and I always would. I also knew I needed to do something different.

It didn't necessarily work out that way. I cuddled up with a pillow in my dark hotel room and cried myself to sleep. It was as if I was transported back six years and the loss was fresh and new. I think Kiera picked up on it through the rest of the week and on the flight back home, I shared the story with her.

When we got back, we changed and hit our favorite place and I ended up doing what all the guys say they do when they have just broken up. I ended up getting laid for the first time in all those years. The guy wasn't special. He was just a normal college kid who got lucky. I like to think I gave him the best pussy he has ever had but the truth was I really wasn't in to like I would have been if he had been someone special. I got off on it and he got his nut and then I made him leave. I didn't want to wake up with him in my bed the next morning.

After he left, I just laid there thinking about what I wanted. I didn't want the one nighters. He had just shown me that. I wanted monogamous companionship with somebody I was compatible with and could enjoy more than just a fuck. So from that point on, I did date but I wasn't easy. Married men were off limits, even David although he was never in the picture. No college pussy hounds allowed. No guys from work. Kiera had a close call with one of those. So I ended up dating single guys I encountered on engagements. That was the even keel for a while and then I took a call one morning while in my office.

"Hi, Milli. You game for a home cooked dinner this evening?"

"Michael! Of course. You guys have moved in already?"

Michael and I had talked a couple times since our meet up in Napa a few months ago. I knew he had sold his house.

"Yep and Deb is still wanting to meet you so how about our place at 6? I'll give you directions or I can pick you up if you want."

"Tell me how to get there and I'll be there."

We ended the call and I was walking on a cloud for the rest of the day, albeit nervously. I was meeting Michael's wife and baby and I wasn't sure how I was going to handle that. It didn't really matter. I arrived promptly at 6PM and was greeting by both Michael and Deb with warm embraces. Peeking out from behind her daddy's leg was the cutest little tyke named Clara. She was adorable with curly light brown hair and dark brown eyes. Her mom had dressed her in a bo peep style dress with a beautiful blue ribbon in her hair. When Michael introduced her to me, she gave me the sweetest little girl hug and I thought I was going to cry.

Deb was quite short, at least compared to me. I was just short of six feet and if Deb was anything over five feet I would have been surprised. She was petite in every respect. But the thing that grabbed my attention was the scarf she wore over her head. It was very attractive and almost like a deadhead wrap. What it covered was the head of a woman who had lost all her hair. She was going through chemo.

"Please, Milli, please come in and have a seat in here."

Deb led us into the living room and I grabbed a place on the couch and before I could get settled, little Clara jumped up and sat next to me. She was inquisitive about everything. Michael excused himself to tend to something in the kitchen and Deb took a seat on the couch as well. We chatted about a number of things, mostly trivial and expected chit chat stuff and then she asked me the question.

"Milli, you still love Michael, don't you?"

I looked into her eyes and saw her compassion as well as the struggle she was going through.

"Ms. Ethredge, Deb, I have always loved Michael and I always will but I know that he loves you and this precious little girl so much. I can see it in all of you together."

I wanted to cry but I fortified myself.

"I did some really stupid, rotten things what seems like a lifetime ago and I can never forgive myself for it. I know what I lost and why and I know I deserve every bit of it. But, when we get right down to it, I know I'll always love him no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing and no matter who I end up spending the rest of my life with, that man is going to know that I will always have a special place for the man who first captured my heart."

At that point, I nervously cried and laughed at the same time.

"Look at us, this is such silly girl talk." I dabbed the tears in my eyes and we were rescued by Michael who told us dinner was ready. Somewhere along the road of life, Michael had learned to be a chef. It was fantastic. When we finished, Clara's Nana stopped by and picked her up for a stay over at her house allowing the adults to enjoy and converse. I gave the little girl a big hug before she went.

The three of us settled into the living room with wine and good conversation. I think I went on too long about my Kiera and work experiences but eventually, we got to the subtle elephant in the room, kind of picking up where we left off earlier.

"Milli, I guess you can see already that I'm having some health issues. I was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier this year and had a mastectomy. Now, I'm doing these god damn chemo treatments but we think we're beating it. It seems it's going into remission and my doc feels good about it. I feel like shit sometimes but I'll get over it. My last treatment was last week so we are keeping our fingers crossed.

"Michael, go do something, will you, please honey?"

He got up and said "I have my marching orders."

Deb continued once he left to do whatever he was expected to do which I actually thought was funny.

"Milli, I just want you to listen, OK? Will you do that for me and then you can talk your heart out?"

I nodded and she beamed a big smile.

"OK, I've wanted to meet you since Michael first told me about your marriage and how it turned out. That was way back before we were ever married but of course I had no way of knowing what path you had chosen for yourself. Then when Michael met up with your father a few months ago, it kind of coincided with my surgery and when he shared with me what he knew of you, well, I pushed him for this.

You see, I did pretty much the same thing you did. I cheated on my hubby in the biggest way, right under his nose. I rubbed his nose in it without him even suspecting. It wasn't just one time or with one guy. I fucked several men over a couple of years and to tell you the truth, I loved every bit of it. I couldn't wait for the next time my hubby went out of town or the opportunity for a lunch time quicky. I guess I was an addict.

Well, what's the worse that can happen? You already know that. I did the same thing but it was with two black men right in my husband's bed and he did what Michael did with you. He walked right in on it. Unfortunately, he pulled his gun out and shot both men. They survived but one of them won't be fathering any children and the other one won't be having any sex, period. Danny, my ex, went to prison for three years, divorced me and was killed in a car accident a year after he got out. I didn't get a chance to sit down and talk to him. However that may be, I completely changed after he found out and shot them. I didn't want anything to do with a man. I wouldn't go out with anybody until I could live with myself.

By the time I had my head on straight, Danny was killed, I had taken a new job in Portland and was trying to rebuild my life. That was when I met Michael. Both of us didn't know what to do, Milli. He had been burned by you and I had already burned another man badly. Somehow we ended up having coffees together and that led to dinner and after a while I knew I loved him.

Milli, I couldn't move forward with him until I told him my story and who I had now become. That was when he opened up to me and told me about you and what you had done to him. I knew then and there that someday we would be sitting down and having this conversation. When he told me about your encounter at the divorce lawyer's office, I knew in my heart that you loved him and you knew what you had lost. Michael knew too and I showed him how people can change and be so remorseful they want to die.

So here we are, two peas from opposite ends of the pod. Milli, I would like for us to be friends. I want you and Michael to be friends. It has to be almost impossible to love someone and not be their friend. I couldn't wish that on anybody and I know who you have become. I want to be able to welcome you into our home and know that Clara has an auntie she can look up to?"

We both had tears in our eyes and I nodded and embraced her. I think we sat like that for the longest time as I wept on her shoulder. I never expected this in a million years. Of course I knew that she had Michael and deservedly so but to be able to be friends like this was beyond anything I had ever hoped for. I felt reborn.

Somehow we pulled ourselves together and joined Michael in his finished basement. When I left later that evening, I felt like a contented woman for the first time in a years- long journey. Deb's cancer did go into remission and her beautiful hair did grow back out. Over the next few months, life continued to hum along with the occasional kick by Kiera.

"Wake up sleepy head ... wake up."

I stirred from my slumber and opened my eyes to a naked tattooed and adorned nymphette slowly shaking my shoulder.

"What? What is it? It's 7 O'clock in the morning ... "

"OK, I'll just slip in here with you." And she did just that. She climbed in under the covers and snuggled up close to me pressing her naked body next to mine. OK, it was erotic but I wasn't really made that way although I did have those thoughts on occasion.

"You know, you tall blond goddess, if we were kitty cat girls, we'd never get out of bed." She reached around and teasingly pinched one of my nipples. Next thing I knew she was up and pulling the covers off me.

"Come on. We're going to the park. We promised Clara we would take her with us this morning and get her some beignets! Come on."

Then I remembered and I was up and in the bath in seconds. Kiera and I were at Michael and Deb's the previous evening and we promised our sweet little adopted girl that we would take her to the park with us and spend the day with her while her mommy and daddy went to the doctor. That little girl absolutely loved Kiera and her leopard tat. It was fabulous to watch.

We arrived about mid-morning, grabbed the Tyke and headed out to get those delicious powered donuts and hot chocolate. We had her on rides, stuffed with goodies and even had her on a pony for a while. It didn't help to have two hotties on her side to coax the old fellow into giving in. It was a great day.

When we walked back into the house and got Tyke ready for bed, there was a bit of an ominous air in the house when we went downstairs. Deb patted the couch at her side with Michael on the other side.

"The fucker has come back." She looked right into my eyes when she said it.

I knew what she meant. I could feel it in me. That god damn cancer had returned. Over the past several months I had come to love Deb immensely. She had brought me into their lives and given me a peace I hadn't had for so long. Now, the beast was rearing up and bringing its destruction.

We cried together and swore to beat this thing. Kiera and I stayed the night with them. Kiera shared a bed with Clara who was just over the moon about that. I lay down with Deb and Michael and slept with her between both of us. As I heard her falling asleep I looked up into Michael's tear stained face and burst into uncontrolled sobbing as I told him.

"I love both of you so much."

The next few months were difficult. Deb underwent additional chemo and Michael was falling to pieces when she couldn't see it. He put up a brave front when he was with her but he was emotionally shot when on his own. I didn't fare much better. Kiera and I had to continue travelling for work but David was also sympathetic to our wants. I had told him my story over a couple of beers one evening and he was a great listener. He gave us some home office work to do when he could but we were still traveling together pretty often. We were in L.A. on one trip when I got the call I didn't want to hear.

"Milli, you need to come back now. Deb wants to talk to you."

I was on the next flight and Kiera insisted on staying behind to cover. She would join me in a couple days. When I landed, I went straight to the house. Deb was on hospice care at this point and had really gone downhill over the last several days. I entered and Michael held me weeping softly.

"She really needs you."

I walked into the bedroom and sat down next to the wasted little shell of a woman who lay there. She still looked beautiful regardless. Through it all she had maintained a happiness and peacefulness that was remarkable. While her voice wasn't nearly as strong as it once was, she could still talk to me. I kissed her lips and held her hand with tears flowing.

"Milli, I love you, I hope you know that and Clara loves you and listen to me. Michael has always loved you. Give him some time when it happens but I hope you will be there for him and Clara."

"Deb Ethredge, I love you and with God as my witness, I am never going to leave those two. I would rot in hell so don't you ever worry about that. Deb, you are the best thing to ever happen for Michael. Don't ever think otherwise."

She whispered "I know but you are his first true love and if I have my way you are going to be his last.'

I couldn't help it at that point. I burst into tears and sobbed uncontrollably holding this precious little woman. I could feel her weakening in my arms and I called out to Michael.

"Michael, bring Clara and come in here."

He did what I asked and the two of them lay next to her. Clara was nestled in Deb's arms and Michael held her in a lover's embrace. As they held each other, I touched Deb's brow and then slipped out of the room.

I was haunted by Michael's agony at Deb's passing. The pain and sorrow were etched into his face. Deb was right that he would need some time. I talked for a long while with Deb's mom and she went out of her way to keep me involved in Clara's life, both me and Kiera. I think Kiera took it harder than I did. She would break up if we started getting melancholy and she didn't want to be alone much. She started sleeping with me in my bed just for the comfort of a hug. Finally, she realized what was going on and talked with a counsellor about her way of dealing with the sorrow. That helped a lot but she didn't stop sleeping with me.

A couple months after the funeral, I called up Michael and asked him out to dinner. We chose Antoine's and had a quiet, reflective meal. The outward grieving had healed a bit although inside we were both hurting, him far more than I. I think the meal was more for assurances that I was there for him whenever he needed me. Both Kiera and I were spending more time with Clara than with anybody else but the grownups need the support too.

We started making the dinners a weekly event. Sometimes, Kiera would join and sometimes we included Clara but Michael and I made sure we ate together at least once a week. After a few months I could begin to see the old Michael, well, the old Michael from last year. His smile became frequent. He started eating more regularly. Deb's mom noticed it too.

"Millicent, have you thought about when you are going to make a move on Michael?"

I was a bit surprised by that but she assured me.

"Yes, Deb and I talked and I know what her wishes were, for you two to become a couple again when everything else settled down. I think she was banking that as an insurance policy when things went south for her. I was a bit apprehensive at first but she convinced me. She knows how much you love him and she sure as hell knows her husband. So, and listen young lady, this hard for a nana to say. My little grandbaby needs a mommy."

She was right. Deb did want that and after all this time thinking I could never have him again, I knew I wanted him and I was going to have to go after him.

After dinner one evening, I asked him to take me for a stroll along the riverfront. We were walking arm in arm enjoying the evening air. Eventually, we ended up at Kiera's and my apartment. She was out for the night.

"Michael, will you come inside with me, please?"