Minecraft: Real Life Edition Ch. 03

As the third day slowly drew to a close, the two had yet again rebuilt their humble little home. This time they had built it out of a cave a short distance from their spawn point. Built mostly from stone, it was mostly fireproof. There was a front entrance, a spacious living room, a kitchen, and a back door leading into the dark depths of the cave. The two sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window as darkness once again crept across the land.

"So, we've zombie proofed it, skeleton proofed it, creeper proofed it... We're safe now, right?" she asked, hopefully.

"I hope. I didn't have enough time to woman proof it," he replied. "You are such an asshole," she said, getting her panties all in a bunch. "Rrrrr...," came the moans of roving zombies outside.

He clutched his stone sword tightly, ready for the first blank-eyed, expressionless, stupidy-stupid monster to dare come crashing through that front door. Then, an hour later, all of a sudden... nothing happened. And the longer he waited the more acutely nothing continued to happen.

"Maybe we're finally safe," she said.

"Oh gods... oh gods no...," he said, hanging his head in utter hopelessness. "You just jinxed us. We're doomed."

"Oh, I did not!" she said.

Then, as if on que, the back door burst open and in flew dozens, maybe billions, of giant evil robot space-bats from hell! He dove right and she dove left, each narrowly escaping the flood of winged, fanged, death.

He swung his sword and sliced one in half. The rest smashed through the front door and disappeared into the night. The two immediately jumped up to block off the hole. But it was too late. In stormed Robot Saddam Hussein!

Shirt discarded in record time, she lept at him. Light-saber nipples swung down in a glowing double arc of nerd-gasmic awesomeness. Unfortunately, being a robot, Robot Saddam's reflexes were superhuman. He sidestepped and slapped her away. She hit the wall and fell to the ground.

"You mother...!" he yelled and attacked.

Zap! Zap-zap!

Unfortunately, despite adding his own oh-so-realistic sound effects nothing happened. His mighty rod of mighty magnificence was limp and useless. Not even his mighty kung-fu could keep Robot Saddam from beating the crap out of him and throwing him across the room.

"Are you okay?" she asked, dragging him into the kitchen.

"He's too powerful. He has the power of a man and a robot-man," he said.

"What are we going to do?" she said, getting all hysterical... again.

"There's only one thing we can do. We have combine powers. I have to spooge on your boobies," he explained.

"Oh, that is just horse-shit!" she yelled.

"No, just think about it. It makes perfect sense!" he argued.

It did. It was that undeniable kind of sense that only men could make.

"Fine. Just do it," she said.

"There's just one problem," he said, pointing down.

"Whats wrong with it?" She asked.

"The battery's at an all time low," he said.

She let out a long, frustrated sigh.

"...My biggest fantasy is a Star Wars themed threesome," she said.

Bzzz-ding! In an instant his rod was acrackle with electricity.

"Do you really have to add your own sound effects to everything? Just, now hury up and do it!" she said, squinting her eyes and looking away.

Three quick jerks, and then three more... and a few after that and...

"Wait! We've been in here for almost ten minutes. Why hasn't that thing come in here and killed us already?" she said, holding up hand to keep him from being able to finish the deed.

Ever so slowly the two poked their heads around the corner. There stood Robot Saddam, caught on the edge of the bed; his poorly designed Arab tracking sensors unable to navigate the confines of an enclosed space.

"Does this mean I can't-," he began to ask.

"That's exactly what this means," she answered, wryly.

About forty-five minutes later the poorly designed Arab battery died and the two wheeled him outside and rebuilt the front and back doors.

And as the first square rays of sunlight peaked over the distant mountains, she turned to him.

"...okay, you can."