tagHumor & SatireMiracle on RR34 Ch. 02

Miracle on RR34 Ch. 02


Disclaimer: All characters portrayed indulging in sexual activity are 18 chronological years of age or older. Any resemblance between these fictional characters and actual people is completely intentional and meant for parody. Reviews are welcome, flames will be snickered at.

This was done as a request for someone and it's dedicated to them. They know who they are.


Chapter 2- Yes, Virginia, There Really Is A War On Christmas

"Holy shit! What the hell is going on?! Is this really happening in my house?!"

Ginny watched in shock as some dark shadow crashed through her bay window. The invader tumbled and splashed into her hot tub, thrashing about as he tried to regain his footing. Ginny shrieked in fright as more figures tumbled in after him. Another one burst through the far wall, some kind of weapon in his hand.

The lights were still out but the big room seemed even dimmer somehow, as if a living shadow had a stranglehold over the place. Dark shapes swarmed through the un-light, seemingly human in form, but she couldn't really be sure.

Then he lunged past her, his massive frame almost a blur of motion, his golden-red hair and beard gleaming in the reflected light of the snow outside. Her eyes, wide with fright, now looked on in astonishment as he crashed into a knot of the intruders, his huge fists lashing out. One invader was knocked backwards, hurtling into the opposite wall with a resounding crunch, although whether that was the stone masonry of her wall or his bones giving way she couldn't tell readily. She dared not think about it.

Santa spun around and drove his elbow into the back of another intruder. The vertabrae give way with a sickening crack and he went down. Without losing his momentum, the hulking harbinger of Christmas cheer lashed out savagely with his foot, the toe of the heavy black boot catching another foe under the chin and snapping his head back. The dark shape crumpled to the floor.

"Jesus!" Ginny shouted in horror.

"Virginia, don't take the Lord's name in vain!" Santa called out in a stern voice while he whirled about in a bloody orgy of violence. "Do you want to end up back on the Naughty List?"

"How can you be thinking about that at a time like this?!" she exclaimed, staying flat to the wall, her eyes, wide in fright.

"I'm always thinking about that sort of thing," he explained as he wrestled an intruder into a headlock while looking at her. "I'm constantly aware of-"

He didn't finish the sentence as another enemy rushed up behind and slammed one of Ginny's chairs across his broad, muscular back, wood splintering as the stylish furniture sent him to the floor.

"Ow..." he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck while the foe he had in a headlock escaped his grasp.

"Why the hell did you stop fighting and look at me?!" Ginny shouted almost in exasperation.

"Because I have to," he responded as his foes piled on top of him, hammering away with their fists. "Whenever one of my kids asks a question I have to give them my full attention and respond! That's how it works!"

He surged up to his feet, throwing the crowd of assailants away. One foe threw a punch, but Santa grabbed the fist and twisted it over, causing his foe to shout in pain before he slammed his palm directly into the man's sternum, sending him flying while the arm remained firmly in Santa's grip. He then spun and slammed the bloody, disconnected shoulder remains across the head of a man behind him.

"Oh, gross!" Ginny gasped. "Why would you do that?!"

"Because I want to live?" he called back as he rammed his knee into another foe's chest, doubling him over before gripping and wrenching his neck with a sickening crunch. "I really need to concentrate here!"

"Sorry!" Ginny said hastily. "I'll try to stop asking questions now!"

"Much obliged!" Santa replied. In spite of her confusion and terror, Ginny watched in stunned fascination as the wild melee whirled before her- swarmed by foes, Santa fought back with a resolute and cold ferocity, never stopping moving but also tight and controlled in his movements. He stopped attacks and dropped his foes with single blow, doubtless a killing one.

His fighting style was efficient and... brutal. That's the only way she could describe it.

"Is that Krav Maga?" she asked.

"It's not Krav Maga," he said flatly as he rammed his fist into a foe's ribcage. "Trust me on this."

She yelped as the lights in the room went on and stung her eyes. She then gaped as she looked around her spacious living room. It was already a complete wreck, with the furniture trashed, holes in the wall and ceiling, and snow pouring into the center of the room from the ragged wooden wound above. Even though the room was fully lit, it was hard to focus on the swarming enemies infesting her house. They seemed shadowy, blurred or indistinct. How could that be?

Someone attacked Santa with a wicked-looking spiked hand-axe, something out of a sci-fi movie. He batted the weapon aside and clapped his open hands across the man's ears, busting his brain. Before he dropped, Santa grabbed the corpse and swung it around in a wide arc, smashing it into the foes surrounding him and knocking them back.

"Shit!" Ginny squealed as one of the targets landed near her. "It's like the fucking Matrix in here!"

As he threw the corpse away, he paused very briefly and glanced at her. "Since you happen to be right there, how about a little mood music?"


"I'm just saying some music would be nice if we're going to be doing this," he called. "You're next to the entertainment system, how about putting something on?"

"Youre shitting me, right?!" she almost complained, wincing as she heard something delicate-sounding and expensive smash behind her amidst the wild brawl. She stared at the multimedia system, flapping her arms in frustration as she tried to focus through the noise. This couldn't be happening. She clutched the sleeves of her plush robe for a moment, trying to concentrate on its soft, fuzzy texture and center herself. She'd almost forgotten the large nerf gun in her hands but ignored it now, fixing her gaze on the mp3 playlist. She pressed a button.

"Silent night... Holy night..." Bing crooned through the room.

"Not really what I had in mind!" Santa mentioned loudly as he rammed his knee into a man's chin. "Try again!"

Ginny bit her lip and pressed the button again, this time rewarded with Gary Glitter singing 'Another Rock And Roll Christmas'.

"Still not quite there," he said as he snapmared another foe. "Better, but not quite!"

"Well I don't know!" she shouted in exasperation. "What kind of music do you put on while Santa kills things in your living room?!"

Santa turned sideways and thrust his foot out, kicking an intruder in the chest and sending him sprawling backwards, rolling head over heels until he thumped into the entertainment system, jolting it and skipping the player.

"I am a bitch. How do you want me?

From behind, or on my knees?

I am a slut, please hold me down,

I'll be your noise,

This shit will fuck you up!"

"Perfect!" he declared as he fought, swarmed once again by foes.

"Seriously?!" Ginny yelled. "Combichrist is Santa's fucking fighting groove?"

"I'm trying to figure out why you have it on your playlist," Santa replied. "I don't remember you liking aggrotech!"

"Why the hell do you of all people even know what it is?!" she shot back, wincing as she watched another body sail into the opposite wall with a sickening crunch before dropping to the floor and leaving a huge, crumbling dent in the stone.

'This Shit Will Fuck You Up!'

"I prefer the term 'Hellektro' myself," he added. "And I know all songs, silly. I remember when the Dayglo Abortions wrote that 'Hey Santa!' song back in the '80's, they didn't get presents for-"

"I didn't ask, why are you answering?!" she hissed. "Kill! Kill!"

All the while, the pounding rhythms of the music filled the room.

"I am a bitch. How do you want me?

From behind, or on my knees?

I am a slut, please hold me down,

I'll be your noise,

This shit will fuck you up!"

"Well, at least we know why it's on your playlist, anyway!" he mentioned as he broke someone's back over his knee.

"Very funny, red man!" Ginny hissed, scowling. She ducked wildly as another assailant flew overhead and landed in the jacuzzi, his neck slamming against the hard edge with a snap noise and then tilting at a strange angle, his eyes wide and unseeing.

"Fucking hell," she muttered. "These guys eat too much red meat!"

Santa smashed two heads together before punting a third man in the chest, sending him staggering back until he fell against the entertainment unit, right next to Ginny, his eyes spiralling in his head. She scowled down at him for a moment before smashing the pitcher of nog on his cranium and sending him to the floor.

Every single intruder stopped and turned to look at her suddenly, their eyes narrowing and turning very yellow.

"Eep..." Ginny said quietly, going pale.

They all howled and lunged toward her, even as Santa fought to reach her first. She shrieked in fright.

"Darn it, Ginny!" he shouted in what almost sounded like irritation. "I told you not to do anything!"

"You said not to use the stupid nerf gun!" she shot back as she dodged wildly and began to run around, evading her persuers.

"I meant don't do anything to get yourself noticed!" he growled as he bulldogged one man's head into the floor. He sprang to his feet and grabbed another man by the back of the head, ramming his face into the stone wall, creating a small crater from which the bodly slumped only slowly and wetly.

"How the hell did they not notice the mostly naked girl in the room?!" she yelled, sprinting around the circumference of the room, being chased by yellow-eyed foes.

"They're mostly quantum, they don't always percieve real-state things or beings until they're interacted with!" he answered. "They weren't looking for you until you announced yourself!"

"Oh, you and your weird physics shit!" she groused, her robe coming more and more undone as she ran. One of her breasts was exposed, bouncing annoyingly and the nipple hardening as a cold wind from the endless holes in her walls and windows blew into the room. "Now what?"

"Well, since they know you're here, you might as well use the gun," he answered as he tackled a small knot of them who were looking to cut off her avenue of escape. "At least then you can defend yourself if you're careful!"

"The fuck am I supposed to do?" she shouted angrily as she clutched the ridiculous, useless gun. "Nerf them to death?! Hope I shoot one foam dart down a throat and hope the bastard chokes and dies?!"

"Didn't you just let me inside all of your orifices?" he pointed out as he spun low, sweeping one foe's feet from under him and then taking him by the ankles to slam him off the floor. "Trust me, Virginia!"

"Dammit!" she spat, steeling her nerve, hoping her resolve was harder than her nipple currently was. Taking a deep breath, she stopped running and spun, pointing the gun and pulling the plastic trigger...

She yelped in astonishment as coruscating arcs of lightning crackled and lashed out from the muzzle, enveloping several foes, who wailed in glowing agony before disappearing from view.

"Jesus H Fucking Tesla!" she exclaimed in amazement as she gaped down at her toy.

"Virginia, language!" Santa warned.

She rolled her eyes and pointed at another man rushing her, pulling the trigger and watching him explode in a shower of scintillating particles.

"This shit will fuck you up!" blared the speakers.

The wall splintered next to Ginny and several terrifying creatures barged in, causing her to shriek in fright- they were easily Santa's size, vaguely humanoid but covered in a greyish, segemented carapace, with insectoid heads, evil-looking mandibles and huge claws at the end of four arms. They hissed as the lunged for her.

"Fuckfuckfuck!" cried out as she began running. "Fucking hate motherfucking bugs!"

She fired wildly behind herself without looking, managing to strike one of the new creatures but only slowing it down. Ginny raced for the stairs, stampeding up them only to find more of the yellow-eyed humanoids waiting for her.

"Santa!" she cried out in terror. "Help!"

He glanced her way and grimaced at her predicament. "Aw, hell..."

With a strength born of the desperation to protect one of his precious children, he surged forward, shoulder-blocking his way through a knot of assailants, springing through the air with astonishing agility, alternately using the wall and railing of the stairs to get to the upper floor, twisting and executing a flying kick that downed a foe about to attack Ginny.

"Good thing I wore my enhanced parkour boots tonight, eh?" he muttered as he glared at the foes crowding to get up the stairs or down the hallway at them.

"I don't even know what that means." Ginny snapped, backing up warily as the horde coming for them grew in numbers. "If that's some sort of geek speak, then we- are you getting bigger?"

"I guess I am," he replied, grimly, glaring at their foes. "I don't expect what I'm saying to make sense, but the other iterations of me, my other selves, they're all coming here, merging with me to help meet the threat."

"You're... consolidating?" she asked in disbelief.

"That's one way to look at it," he said, his blue eyes flashing. "It's gonna make finishing the Christmas run tight if I get held up here much longer."

"Oh, terribly sorry if I'm inconveniencing you, your highness." Ginny said, trying to not sound too snide. He put his body between her and ther foes, backing her up against the wall.

"They can't come through the wall you're up against, it's the South wall," he said quietly but with a sense of urgency. "You're safe from that angle. You can fire your gun past me or over the rail at the guys down below. Since they're trying to reach you that means they've solidified enough that they can't do crazy things like jump seven meters up to reach you, they'll have to use the stairs."

"I thought they were after you." Ginny said hotly.

"They were, until you announced yourself with a jug of nog," he pointed out. "Now they want to destroy you to hurt me."

"Oh. Sorry." Ginny mumbled somewhat sheepishly.

"You can make it up to me later!" he said as he surged forward suddenly, bulling his way through the approaching crowd, clotheslining several at once. Shouts went up and the fight was on again. Santa punched, kicked, elbowed, kneed and wrenched his way through the enemy horde. Ginny swore he was indeed bigger than he had been earlier. His already hardbody physique was almost bulging with muscles now, like a California beach bodybuilder. Black blood glistened on his flawless skin as he maimed the attackers. Droplets that hit the carpet sizzled and ate through it, burning the hardwood floor beneath.

"Noooo!" Ginny wailed in despair. "Not the hardwood! I loved that feature!"

She glared and gritted her teeth as she leaned over the railing and pointed the nerf gun down at the endless crowd on the main floor, pulling the trigger. The crackling arcs of energy enveloped several foes, who wailed and vanished. Same as before, the giant insectoids rarely disappeared but seemed slowed or staggered by the attack.

Santa fought his way forward, forcing the attackers back from Ginny. Try as they might, no one got by him, even if it meant that they could strike at him instead. He took their assaults resolutely, using his body as a shield to protect her. Before long, the floor of the hallway was littered with bodies, some barely stirring, others not moving at all. Still, the foes swarmed up the stairs.

One of the bug-things swiped at him with its vicious claws and he ducked under the blow before kicking his boot into one of the reverse-jointed legs, snapping it. The bug screeched and tumbled and he leapt onto its back, grabbing hold of one of the large, wet-grey chitinous plates that armoured its back and pulled- it tore away with a mushy crack and the beast's keened agony as it shuddered and thrashed. Without pausing, Santa whirled around and slammed the exoskeletal plate across several men's heads, dropping them.

Ginny kept firing the nerf tesla gun, wondering what sort of sociopath would invent a deadly weapon that looked like a famous kid's toy. She pushed it from her mind, realizing that she wanted to live and didn't care at the moment about the social mores of the issue. Santa was using the huge chitin plate almost like a shield, driving his foes back with it to the stairs. It finally cracked in half and he punched through the mess, unwilling to give the enemy time to regroup.

He spun one man around with a fist across the jaw before grabbing his arms from behind and ramming his knee into the man's back, lifting him off the floor and letting him slam his spine onto the stairs. Without waiting, Santa launched himself through the air, knee raised and smashed it into the face of a man on the stair's corner landing. The foe's head went back through the wall with a loud crunch and he hung there limply, no longer part of the battle.

"Ack!" Ginny squawked as the nerf gun sputtered and let out several impotent flashes and then died. "Not now! Nonononononono!"

One foe had broken through the cordon and now raced toward her. She yelled loudly and smashed the butt of her nerf gun into his face, staggering him for a moment. She glared at him angrily, waiting for him to fall, but her didn't, so she kicked him in the crotch with her instep. He groaned and sunk to his knees, holding himself. Ginny was practically jumping up and down on top of him by the time he stopped moving.

"Stay... the... fuck... down!" she shouted angrily as she turned his ribcage into powder.

She failed to notice the one last foe who rushed up behind her.

But then Santa was at her side and he delivered a devastating haymaker to the man's thorax. Stunned, the intruder staggered back against the railing. With a growl, Santa grabbed him by the face and ruthlessly bent his back over the railing before leaping over and slamming his elbow across the man's neck as he went down to the main floor. The lifeless form crumpled next to him as he looked around, glaring.

No foes remained standing. Aside from the music, all was quiet.

"It is safe?" Ginny called from the gallery. "Are the scary guys and bug-thingies all gone?"

"No," Santa said warily. "And the next wave is even bigger."

"Great!" Ginny complained, tossing the useless nerf gun over the side. "And according to you, there's no one that can help us!"

"I didn't say that," he countered, beckoning for her to come down the stairs and be near him for protection. "I just said there was no Easter Bunny."

"No Superman either, apparently," she grumbled as she approached him, letting him put a huge arm around her possessively. He was, indeed, bigger than ever. She was practically child-sized next to him now. "So who the hell is there to help us?"

"If help's arriving it had better get here soon," he said, taking her to the remains of her big glass bay windows and back door. The wind was howling as snow drove into the living room. What was left of it, anyway. Which was nothing. "It's now or never. Can you see them?"

She peered into the darkness outside and a chill ran down her spine- hundreds of red and yellow glowing eyes could be seen in the darkness. And they seemed to be getting closer.

Report Story

byBiscuitHammer© 3 comments/ 8169 views/ 3 favorites

Share the love

Report a Bug

3 Pages:123

Forgot your password?

Please wait

Change picture

Your current user avatar, all sizes:

Default size User Picture  Medium size User Picture  Small size User Picture  Tiny size User Picture

You have a new user avatar waiting for moderation.

Select new user avatar: