Mirror, What Mirror?

A Star-Trek fanFiction

***

All characters in this fictional offering are older than 18.

***

"Captain are you alright?" Asked the ship's First Officer, Mr. Spock.

James T. Kirk looked around, there was "Bones" McCoy to his left, "Scottie" was to his right, and Lieutenant... Oh my... How beautiful... Lieutenant Nyota Uhura was stunningly gorgeous and completely naked standing on the transporter pad behind him. Bones and Scottie were naked as well. The Captain looked down... They were all naked.

"Bones, Scotty, Uhura..." Kirk said, "Is everyone... Alright..."

"Chief Kyle," Spock said, "why is the Captain and his party naked?"

"Sir, I am not certain." said the Transporter Officer. "I think the parameters were sufficiently out-of- sync that the transporter interpreted the away team's clothing as parasitic organisms and segregated them into different files. It rematerialized our officers, but kept their uniforms in the buffer."

The Captain looked around the transporter room. First Officer Spock was wearing a black leather harness with large silver rings, the most prominent one in the middle of his chest. He was wearing an exaggerated studded black leather penis sheath over his vulcan-hood. At least Kirk hoped it was a caricature. It was two feet long with a tip that came to a sharp point like a spear.

"Then simply re-constitute and materialize the uniform files," Spock said, "so the away team can get dressed."

Chief Kyle was wearing a pair of crotchless pale green lederhosen with a set of painted brown leather braces on his chest. Ensign Marlena Moreau was wearing a hot pink suede bikini top with nippple cut outs, and a pair of black leather panties. Ensign Lori Phillips was modeling a polished copper bikini consisting of two small conical disks and lots of small chain. She had matching thigh bands linked together with a shorter, much thicker chain.

"I am unable to do that sir," Chief Kyle said looking at the display, "the transporter apparently ran a self-diagnostic and determined that all crew members were on board the Enterprise. Then it deleted the corrupted uniform file. I can't recover it."

"Deleted?"

"Yes sir."

"That is unacceptable."

"Yes sir."

"Punishment is the logical consequence of failure," said Spock.

"Yes sir. I submit to my punishment."

"Chief Kyle," said Spock, "place your penis on the transporter console."

Turning to a gorgeous chinese girl with a single very long ponytail wearing a leather harness that accenteted each of her subtle curves and left nothing to the imagination, Mr. Spock said, "Ensign Wong, you may now administer the punishment."

"Fifteen?" She said holding a riding crop.

"Twenty, this time," said Spock.

"It's flaccid again sir," Ensign Wong said looking at the transporter control console.

"You may fellate him first Ensign," Spock replied.

"You are enjoying this," Ensign Wong said to Chief Kyle.

"Yes, very much indeed Mistress Wong," said Chief Kyle.

"My apologies Captain," Spock said, "Ensign Clairvoix will replicate you new uniforms."

"Aye, aye, sir," Ensign Clairvoix said.

The last thing Captain Kirk remembered was freeling odd dematerializing on the Halkan Home World after failing to convince their High Council to allow the Federation to mine dilithium crystals. What happened... Why was everyone he knew dressed from a fetish boutique on Riga Four.

There had been an ion storm, and now everything was different. So very different.

"Mr. Spock," said the Captain, "perhaps we should proceed to sick bay so that Doctor McCoy may examine us."

"Quite logical Captain," said Mr. Spock.

Kirk, McCoy, Scott and Uhura proceeded to sick bay. Once there the Captain asked if those assembled had any idea what the heck was going on.

"Marsha from Standards and Practices called in sick today," said Uhura.

"So it's..." said Kirk.

"Bixby's 'alternate script,'" said Scott.

"There aren't any horses in it, are there?" said McCoy, "or Stetsons".

"Lotsa bareback riding, but no horses..." said Uhura.

"So we are stuck in Jerome's alternate scriptural dimension?" asked McCoy.

"Yes, this ship contains the uninhibited alter-egos of everyone on the 'other Enterprise,'" said Uhura.

"How do you know so much about this," asked Kirk.

"I actually talk to the writers," said Uhura.

"This... Could... Be... Interesting..." said Kirk looking directly at Uhura.

"Keep that up Captain," said Uhura, "and I am going to take Donna Summer's advice.

"Which is?" Asked Scott.

"Get a warm-blooded lover... Take a certain 'white man' back home."

"Or three?" Asked McCoy.

"Maybe..." Uhura said. "You gotta give me a reason to tho' hon..."

Uhura's statement was interrupted by the sick-bay door opening. It was Mr. Spock, Lieutenant Sulu, and Ensign Altman. The later two were carrying what appeared to be new fetish gear.

"Captain," said Spock, "Starfuck Command in Amsterdam has ordered us to send the Fembots to deal with the situation on Halkan Three."

"Yes... Thank you Mr Spock," said Kirk.

"Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Altman have some new uniforms for you, and they will escort you to your quarters if you desire. That is if you are done here," said Spock.

"Yes... Yes, that will be fine."

Spock left, and the four donned their 'new uniforms.' Kirk had a black leather cap that a 'rebel' James Dean might have worn and matching chaps. Uhura had a leopard print micro-mini and a shark-tooth necklace. McCoy had a collection of very large bracelets, anklets and necklaces, all apparently made of brass. Scott had a pair of crotchless black leather shorts and a matching too-small open front vest.

"That is nice," Uhura said looking at Scott's buns in his tight shorts.

"Go 'head," Scott said, "check 'er out."

Uhura ran her hands across the smooth tight leather. "Ahh, yes..." she said.

"Why don't you come down to Engineering Lieutenant," Scott said. "You can check out our... Communication capability... Take a peek at our equipment... Down there."

"Yes," said Uhura, "I will."

***

Meanwhile on the Enterprise we are more accustomed to.

"What happened?" asked Chief Kyle.

"What do you mean Chief?" asked Mr. Spock.

"They're all naked," said Chief Kyle.

"There be nothin' wrong with us lad," said Scott.

"You have no clothes," said Kyle.

"Get ahold of yourself Chief," said McCoy, "we are fine. You seem to be having a problem though."

'Me? It's..."

"It's yer clothes ye ninny," said Scott, "it suffocates yer Tadger."

"Tadger?" asked Spock.

"Yer Willie..." said Scott.

"Our bodies evolved running on the plains of Africa," said Uhura, "they are amazing works of functional art. To conceal them is a sin."

"Now, now," said Kirk, "there is no sin, only ignorance. Luckily as Captain I see myself as the ship's chief education officer. Mr Spock, until we can determine the most flattering accent for each crew member's body type, my order is that all crew members perform their duties naked."

There was an eloquent logic to the Captain's statement, Spock thought. But to be sure he had a crewmember administer a quick Starfleet Mission Functionality Assessment. All four away team members exceeded their previous highest ratings. For some reason they each functioned better when naked than when clothed.

Spock relayed the Captain's order throughout the starship, it was the logical thing to do.

***

Meanwhile at Network Headquarters, the Head of programming turned to the Junior Network Executive.

"Naked actors, why didn't I think of that before, think of all the money we'll save. No wardrobe, no makeup, no writers... We just need to distract Marsha. That young gaffer... The Adonis, Dan, Don, Doug..."

"Gary," said the Junior Network Executive, "uh, he's gay."

"Gay, schmay..." said the Head of Programming. "Tell him to 'take one for the team.' He doesn't have to marry her, just fuck her or otherwise keep her off of Stage Six."

***

Uhura and Scott having departed for Engineering, Kirk and McCoy headed for the Captain's Quarters in the company of Sulu and Altman. Enroute they were accosted by Lieutenant Checkov.

"It's 1435 hours," said Checkov accusingly.

"Yes..." said Kirk, uncertain what else to say.

"You've forgotten," said Chekcov angrily, "Ensign O'Malley is in her quarters!"

"Yes..." said Kirk, who had no idea what to do since it was his alter ego who created this emotional outburst in his poetic Pavel.

"We had a date, 1400 hours. Maria planned to be the meat of a sandwich by 1410. But you never even showed," said Checkov. "Do you know how that makes me look? She thinks I lied to her!"

"Hold it there," said Ensign Moreau, arriving on the scene with Chief Security Officer Prince. Ironically the ships Security Chief, wearing nothing but two golden bracelets, tierra and matching metal belt was powerless, bound by a delicate golden lasso held tight by 'the Captain's woman.'

Ensign Moreau had changed outfits; she was now wearing white knee socks and had her hair in pigtails tied by two white ribbons. Moreau and Prince sported four matching nipple rings.

Ensign Moreau removed the lasso from her friend and handed it to her. Ensign Prince then placed it on Ensign Chekov and escorted him to Ensign O'Malley's quarters. She called Chiefs Agony and Boothe and asked them to meet her there.

"What will they do?" asked McCoy.

"He must be punished for his insubordination," said Moreau. "I imagine that Diana will 'take care of' Maria while Agony and Boothe fellate Pavel and force multiple orgasms until they milk him dry. It's kinda what they do."

"Jesus, it's what I've always wanted," said McCoy. "I am so in awe of you."

When Moreau, McCoy and Spock arrived at the Captain's dayroom they found First Officer Spock waiting there with Security Officer Jennifer Contreau.

"Captain," Spock said, "I am concerned about your behavior today."

"Why is that, Mr. Spock."

"You do not seem to be yourself, if I placed your responses to stimuli on a graph..."

"Yes, yes, yes," said Kirk, "I may have been affected by the ion storm."

"Captain, may I perform a Vulcan-mind-meld on you," Spock said. "It may help us help you return to your normative state."

Kirk did not want to, but he saw no acceptable reason to refuse. He trusted 'his Spock' with his life, could this Spock possibly be so different?

Spock placed his hand on the Captain's temples and he saw, he understood. How illogical earthlings were. What with their archaic illogic, and ill conceived societal rules.

"Captain," Spock said, "I understand. In primitive earth cultures male-male bonding was essential to species survival. You were the hunters, gatherers of protein for your clan, and collector of animal fats for the development of your young. You were warriors, protectors of the clan.

"Women were the gatherers of carbohydrates, nurturers of the young. No clan could survive without both male and female. Warriors and hunters, males had to be strong. They had to bond in ways that furthered defending the clan or hunting, gathering protein and fat. Women nurtured, provided softness for the young, and as a reward for the successful hunter or warrior.

"If warriors, hunters could be soft and nurturing with one another it would erode the role of the female within the clan. The clan could die. But we are not living in prehistory; denying our biology is not required."

"No Spock I can't," said Kirk, "you are my brother."

"Yes, I believe that is a logical analogy Captain," said Spock. "And an interesting point, your human ancestors hunted and gathered to survive. Connections between clans was important for mutual defense. Before anyone understood genes, recessive or otherwise, clans created mores to encourage diversification, to genetically to interconnect clans.

"What?" Asked Kirk.

"It is not important James. I have a most logical solution," said Spock. "Jennifer can keep Bones entertained, she has amazing oral skills. We can communicate our 'male-ness' through a most willing female surrogate. Marlena will happily serve as our conduit. We can double team her to another plane of existance, and simultaneously confirm ourselves as verile, yet strictly heterosexual, ancient warriors and hunters."

"Yes," said Kirk, "a most elegant solution."

"Yes, a most lovely solution," said Marlena Moreau. "It will truly be my pleasure."

As Spock and Kirk spit-roasted a most enthusiastic Ensign Moreau, the Fembots returned from Halkan Three with a full cargo bay load of precious dilithium crystals. The passageways of the Enterprise were crowded with Halkan Grand Council members running around in the ancient Roman togas that they had just been introduced to.

They were learning the ways of human debauchery while chasing both male and female crew members throughout the ship. They were making a royal spectacle and being quite annoying, but the crew was well trained in diplomacy. There would soon be another Fuckeration applicant.

***

Episode four was 'in the can' and on it's way to television history. The cast and film crew were just starting work on episode five when the long black limousine pulled up to the stage door. Four upset looking men in suits emerged, and walked up to the Director as he was speaking to the Head of Programming.

"You're fired, bye," said the Network Lawyer to the Director.

"What in blue-blazes are you doing here?" said the Junior Network Executive to the Head of Programming.

"What?"

"Why is everyone naked?"

"We are saving the network money, lots of it," said the Head of Programming. "No wardrobe, no make-up, no writers, hell we could sell tickets to be in the audience.

"You apparently just don't see the big picture here," said the Network CFO. "How do our advertisers sell things to happy, content naked people."

"Unhappy, people buy things," said the Network CEO. "Not happy people."

"They try to fill their existential void with cheap crap," said the Network Lawyer.

"Our advertisers make that cheap crap," said the CEO.

"It doesn't ever work," said the CFO. "So being stupid they buy more, and more."

"We tell them that they are almost happy," said the Jr. Exec.. "Almost... They just need one more thing."

"'One thing' that our advertisers conveniently sell," said the CEO.

"We tell them what to think," said the CFO. "This is not what we want them to think."

"We want a miserable, estranged, divorced, misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic, scared audiance buying cheap crap," said the CEO. "Not happy hippies fucking."

"You have four hours," said the Junior Network Executive, "if you don't succeed in turning this around, I am authorised to terminate you and assume your role as Chief of Programming."

***

Lisa Ann