Mister Rogers is a Bad Bad Man

When the consideration of a bad man comes to mind, certain names pop up. Adolf Hitler. John Wayne Gacy. Timothy McVeigh. Osama Bin Laden. Fred Rogers?! Sad, but true. Interestingly enough, Fred was willing to come out of the proverbial closet despite the masterful job he's done of concealing the horrible truth. The man many of us grew up with is in fact a homosexual rapist with a keen eye for young men in Hollywood. The newly declared despot seemed rather happy to get this off of his chest, in this interview I was fortunate enough to have with him after breaking into the PBS studio and posing as a potential guest. So without further ado, here is the confession of Fred Rogers.

Mr. Unsexy: Hello, Mister Rogers.
Mister Rogers: Why hello there, young man. Are
you Justin Timberlake?
Mr. Unsexy: Sorry, Fred. May I call you Fred?
Mister Rogers: Of Course.
Mr. Unsexy: Good. I take it that Justin was to
make an appearance on your show.
Mister Rogers: Indeed. The kids love those singer
fellas.
Mr. Unsexy: Yes, I'll bet your opinion differs from the
norm in this particular instance.
Mister Rogers: Yes, well one must keep an open mind.
Mr. Unsexy: "Open mind"...I'll ignore that out of respect.
Mister Rogers: What?
Mr. Unsexy: Oh, nothing. You heard of that whole
Clinton scandal I trust.
Mister Rogers: Yes, and I must say it was horrible.
Mr. Unsexy: Bearing that in mind, do you like cigars,
Fred?
Mister Rogers: Heavens no. They're very unhealthy,
and smelly too.
Mr. Unsexy: Of course. Do you own any videos entitled
"Little Boys Gone Wild"?
Mister Rogers: I certainly do not. Nor have I ever even
considered such a concept.
Mr. Unsexy: I'll bet. Anyway, I'd like to return to an
aforementioned topic in our conversation.
Mister Rogers: Oh, by all means, of course.
Mr. Unsexy: So, there's something about Justin
Timberlake you like?
Mister Rogers: You know, most don't, but for some
reason I -
Mr. Unsexy: WANT TO SUCK JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S
UNCLEANED ASSHOLE?! HUH, YOU
FILTHY OLD MAN?
Mister Rogers: What?
Mr. Unsexy: Don't play dumb, I've seen the
pictures.
Mister Rogers: What pictures?
Mr. Unsexy: Oh please. Don't act as though you don't
know what I'm talking about.
Mister Rogers: I must say I'm confused.
Mr. Unsexy: Are you drunk when you commit these
atrocities?
Mister Rogers: Well first of all, I don't drink, and -
Mr. Unsexy: Look...right here, you and an inebriated
Leonardo Dicaprio.
Mister Rogers: Leonardo and I happen to be friends.
That picture is only of us talking.
Mr. Unsexy: If that's what you call drinks. And you call
him your friend.......Unless of course that's
what you do with your friends, you
disgusting sick fuck.
Mister Rogers: I can't believe how uncouth you are!
Mr. Unsexy: Well, when dealing with men who have
habits sickening as yours, that trait just
comes right out. What do you think it does
to the children?!
Mister Rogers: I can't believe my integrity is being
questioned in such a manner. I have a
very happy family life. My son is my life.
Mr. Unsexy: Dear Lord! It's worse than I thought!
Mister Rogers: I seriously do not understand where you
get off.
Mr. Unsexy: In my bedroom, not that that's any of your
business, you perverted fuck.
Mister Rogers: Could you at least curb your language?
Mr. Unsexy: Fuck no, you goddamned piece of shit.
Do you interact with the children who view
your show?
Mister Rogers: Sometimes, yes.
Mr. Unsexy: Have you ever tried to bribe them into
letting you insert your erect penis into their
rectums?
Mister Rogers: Of course not. Why, I ought to call
security....
Mr. Unsexy: Nevermind that. Back to the pictures. Now
how do you explain this particular
polaroid? Do you think you can sweet talk
your way out of this one, you scumbag?!
Mister Rogers: Wha- that's you and my wife!!
Mr. Unsexy: And just how do you explain that?!
Mister Rogers: SECURITY!! Get this bastard out of
here!!
Security Guard: Sure thing, Fred.
Mr. Unsexy: Too afraid to admit what you are, you
sick fuck?! You make me sick...
Mister Rogers: I'm pressing charges against this
horrible man!!
Mr. Unsexy: Pressing WHAT against me? That's
disgusting!

So this is how my interview ended, sadly. Fortunately no consequence fell upon me, as I killed the security guard with a firearm concealed in my coat. Kudos to those Columbine guys. However, there you have it. Mister Rogers is not the nice guy we all thought he was. Yes, he was the kindly old man that taught your children right from wrong, that everyone was his/her neighbor, proper morals, and blah blah blah. Now that the truth is exposed, I may return to writing shoddy stories. Believe me, it wasn't my desire to expose Mister Rogers for the ungodly shit wringer that he is, but hell. Someone's got to perform these tasks. Good day, and spread the word.