Mistress Agnes Ch. 11

Had she told him what her day had been like, everything would have been fine, but now he brushed her hands off his body and told her crudely to leave him alone.

He had never spoken to her like that, not ever.

Agnes was devastated, she wanted to plead him to tell her what was wrong, to kiss her and tell her he didn't mean it, but he had turned his back on her. The scars on his back rubbed his rejection in deeper, and she silently retreated from her own room in total defeat.

How could this happen? This morning, he had kissed her goodbye, and told her he'd eagerly await her return, and now he had told her to leave him alone. What had she done?

What if this wasn't her fault, but a change in personality caused by the concussion?

Walking across the hall, her eyes misting with tears, she realized she had nowhere to go, Dennis was in her room, and she could run into one of the female staff any moment now.

Her first instinct was to hide, and she quickly knocked on Guy's door, her boys had separate bedrooms here, and she hoped they'd be in Guy's, which was a bit larger and had a slightly larger bed.

They would hide her and tell her what to do, she had vowed to herself that whatever happened, she would stay true to Dennis, she would care for him even if he changed.

So this was it, she'd have to see it through or break her own promise to herself. She loved him so much, and this was the first time he had been less than friendly, he was still suffering from concussion...

The door opened, and Guy took her in his arms tenderly.

'What happened ma'am, why are you crying? And why are you not with Dennis?'

'He told me to leave him alone, and turned his back on me. I couldn't look at those scars, so I fled.

I think he hates me, the knock on his head changed him.'

Guy now lifted her and sat her on his lap, they had a reasonable size bed in a room that was still rather small compared to their room in the manor house, and apparently they had been sitting together, reading.

'Dennis doesn't hate you, mistress, really he doesn't. Something must be up. Let me go find out.'

Patrick left, as Guy kissed her with some heat, Dennis was right, he did like to make love to girls, he was excited. She couldn't even fault him for doing what might be seen as taking advantage of her weakness, somehow it felt right.

Agnes kissed him back with ardour, and Guy stroked her hair and nuzzled her cleavage.

'I'm sorry, ma'am,' he said, coming to his senses. 'I've missed you, I lost it for a moment. I hope you're not angry with me. You didn't come here for pleasure, you came here for comfort. I'm sure Patrick will find out what is bothering Dennis, they've always been very close, just try to relax and I'll just hold you for a few moments.

And he did, but Agnes was a bit sorry he stopped.

Meanwhile, Patrick knew Dennis so well, he thought he knew what his problem was, but he didn't want to jump to conclusions so he entered the room quietly and sat on the bed.

Dennis was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, clearly upset.

As Guy had a thing for the mistress, Patrick had it for Dennis, they had often kissed, but Dennis was totally stuck on the mistress, he had no space in his heart for another. It didn't matter, Patrick had a good life, better since Dennis was in it, and he was very glad to see his friend happy. He was certain this lapse had to do with the past, with being left all by himself, in a bed.

'You want to talk about it?'

Within seconds, Dennis was in his arms, and it felt so good that Patrick really had to control himself not to try loving him. But Dennis was not for him, and anyway, this was about Dennis, not about Patrick himself.

'I snapped at her, told her to leave me alone. I was angry for having been left by myself all day, it reminded me of how it used to be, but I promised not to reproach her for that, so I couldn't tell. She'd have been devastated.'

'She was devastated now, Dennis. You cannot help it, it's the concussion, it brought so much back, you've talked so much in your sleep, had such nightmares. It's not rubbing it in to want to talk about that, you both need that, no matter how painful it is.

She thinks you hate her. You rejected her, and then she saw the scars, she still cannot look at them without everything coming back. It has power over her, and ever since you got that blow the past has power over you again. You need to talk, and tell her what you want from her. She'll stay with you all day if you want it, she'll cancel all her appointments for you, you know that. Don't tell her it's fine to go then be angry to be left behind. Be honest. Tell her it's difficult for you to be left by yourself.'

'It was her touching me instead of talking to me that made me lash out. She always did that, leave me all day, then come to me and make love. But she never told me anything, not what she did, not what her life had been like. I hated that, hated it so badly!'

'Tell her. You're just human, and you have been seriously injured, you have a right to show weakness, you don't have to keep a promise you once made if it is no longer possible, especially not at the expense of your relationship.

Oh Dennis, why can't life ever be easy for you? It seems you need to suffer all the time. Though you were my hero fighting like that, I admired you so much, you saved us all. I'm glad you're feeling better physically, and if you talk to the mistress you'll feel better altogether. She loves you as much as you love her, all will be well.

Can I fetch her?'

Dennis nodded, a bit ashamed of his tantrum by now.

She came alone, studying the floor as she entered the room, and Dennis could have kicked himself. But he didn't, he got out of bed and embraced her. He would have lifted her, but the doctor had forbidden physical strain.

His hands took her cheeks, and he lifted her face up to meet her eyes. They were red, and wet, she had been crying.

'I'm sorry, baby, I shouldn't have snapped at you like that, then turned my back on you. It was mean and cruel. Will you forgive me?'

Of course she'd forgive him, but he needed to ask, she didn't answer but that was because she was crying too intensely to be able to speak.

He held her until he started to feel dizzy, then he led her to the bed where he sat down, head in his hands, until the dizziness receded.

His condition had taken her self-pity away instantly, and her voice was strong and concerned.

'Patrick said you felt abandoned, and it brought back memories of being left alone in the dark all day. He said your concussion had brought it back, said you could no longer keep your promise to not reproach me with it, you needed to talk about it and so did I.

He's turning into a psychologist, don't you think?'

She sat down and took his hand.

'Dennis, I've been nursing my guilt over what I did to you, and it's grown out of proportion. I need no psychologist to tell me that. If I had your tendency towards nightmares, I'd be up all night by now.

I want to talk about it, and I know things will come out that will hurt me. I deserve that hurt, I want it, so we can both move on. Will you talk to me?'

She sat herself on the bed with her back to the wall, and took him in her arms very gently, she felt such intense love for him, and such relief he didn't hate her.

'Patrick was right. I know I told you to go, I slept a lot and enjoyed your love when you returned. I never asked what you had done that day, I was still very tired and confused with all the memories mixed up and forcing themselves upon me.

But today I suddenly felt a lot better, and I got lonely for you, but you weren't there. And I didn't want to tell you about it for fear of stirring your guilt even more, even only half awake I could see what my ravings and pleadings from the past were doing to you. I had promised not to use them against you, and I saw asking you to stay with me because I felt lonely as making reproofs, because my loneliness was so inextricably linked to being all by myself in the attic, waiting for you to give me some attention, some love.

I became angry at you for leaving me alone again, stuck to the bed, with weakness this time, I wasn't thinking right, I should just have told you how I felt.'

'What was it like, Dennis, stuck to the bed, waiting for me?'

He couldn't believe she asked him that, he was certain talking about that would hurt her more than him, even with his memories raked up the last few days.

'Tell me, Dennis, and don't spare me. Your memories are fresh now, I'm sure you remember exactly.'

'I was lonely, Agnes. The war had damaged me, and I needed love, though I had never had it before it was the only thing that could take my pain away.

Then when I nearly choked on my collar after assaulting you in front of the hearth, you gave me love, I was awake and relishing it the whole time, but I pretended to not notice to not make you hate me for witnessing your weakness. I wanted that love, I needed more of it, so I let Patrick tell me how to please you, and I did just that to be allowed to stay.

And my heart became yours, though I didn't know anything about you except that you would give me love every so often. Left by myself in the dark all day and night, my throat hurting and my body wasting away, my memories got an ever larger hold on me, there were no present and no future for me so I lived in the past, and suffered for it, horrors and nightmares plaguing me, and they made me even more lonely and needy. Only your love could make me feel better for a short time.

Until I needed you so much it made me sick, and I had to become active again and fill that void or just die of fear and loneliness.

Then when you released me I still felt the loneliness, but I could at least live and I had a future. And when you asked me to stay and let me be with you all the time, I finally got the love I needed so desperately, and the past didn't matter as much anymore.

Somehow I felt that loneliness today, but I didn't dare tell you for I had promised not to hold the past against you. Then when you didn't talk to me but touched me with heat, I snapped.'

'I'm still so very sorry, Dennis, that I thought only of myself and never once of you. Of what you had been through, of what I was putting you through.

Will you keep talking about this, a little bit of it every day? Ignoring it and trying to forget hasn't worked, I've been feeling guilty all this time, though our happiness together often helped me forget how cruel I had been.

What do you want me to do now, stay with you all day? Tell you what I've been up to last week? And how will I know when it's all right to make love?'

Though Dennis didn't like to hear her humble like this, he understood why she sounded so beat, she had seen him in a terrible state, and without outlet for her feelings she had gone to work as if nothing had happened, and after five days facing a tough work schedule she had returned in the hope to find a little love, and received a brusque rejection.

But he would give her what she asked for, and tell her what he wanted, though she would object to it.

'I don't want you to stay put with me, Agnes, I want to come with you. I'll just sit still and be pretty, and when I get tired Patrick can take me to a private room where I can lie down. I want to experience town, not lie in a bed. I've been hurt worse than this and I survived each time.

And I do want to know what you did without me all week, I'm so sorry I couldn't be there with you.

But most of all I think you need to realize that I may be unable to make love for weeks. Won't you take your release from someone else? I'm sure Guy will be very glad to offer his services. I really don't mind, I can see your ardour growing and it's hard to not be able to do anything about it.'

She looked him straight in the eye, and said, 'Yes, Dennis, I will. I thought I could do without lovemaking for weeks, but I cannot. I'm restless and want to touch you all the time, I'll be rubbing myself against your thigh next, and you'll feel bad for not being able to give me what I need. I'll ask Guy, if Patrick doesn't mind staying with you.

And I cannot stop you from coming along, I still think you should listen to the doctor, but you're right, you know your own strength best, you've been through things I cannot even imagine, being shot and stabbed, on the run for a week without food, I guess you know your own limits.