Mistress, Why Not? Ch. 02

Eternity, every second seems like eternity. Will he do as I wanted or am I fool!

I squirm in my seat.

I am electric like I have never been before.

At the same time, I am crazy, why did I do this!

I do like John, and I have ruined it!

But I just can't have anyone else take advantage of me again! If I am kind, do I really have to be weak.

And those things I read, the boys seem to like it.

Finally.

I see John come out of the restroom.

He looks pale.

Oh my, has he,...or hasn't he.

He does have the bag in his hand, darn, I can't tell if there is anything in it. And his pants are so baggy!

He stumbles with the chair and sits.

I am soooo nervous!

I smile weakly, nervously. My hands are in a tremor.

We both sit. I am afraid to speak,...I think he is to. I just want to be able to fully trust a boy, this boy. I like John, I want him to be mine, all mine, nobody else's.

"Jill"

Gosh, I can tell he is nervous, his voice is shaking like my hands.

"This is too different for me. I like you, I think. I think you are smart and pretty.

But,...but, I think, of gosh, Jill, I think we should go home."

I hear him put the bag in my purse. I am crushed. I like him, I like him so much. I just can't trust boys, why am I like this.

I am beet red. I am sweating everywhere.

"Okay John, I am sorry. I feel so foolish. I'll take you home."

I feel like crawling in a hole.

I leave a five dollar tip, for nothing. Just ashamed.

We get in the car, so quiet. Nothing is said. I do see him looking at me. It seems he wants to say something, but never does. I can see his hands all sweaty.

I like him so, but I don't know to say either. I am such a fool. I really blew it!

I stop at his home.

"I am sorry."

I say, I guess too many times.

"Don't be."

And he kisses my hand.

But he leaves the car looking so confused.

I watch him go in the door and then just sit in the car for a moment. Then I head home.

I feel so alone. My place is so quiet, want can't I trust like normal people, why do I always screw things up with my control issues. Those things on the computer are just fantasy!

I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower, maybe I can wash off all the bad stuff about me. I take off my clothes and just let the water cascade over me. I take the soap and lather it real good and try to scrub off all the yucky stuff I don't like about myself. I start to cry and curl up and let the water bounce off me.

After a time, a long time, I turn off the water, it is getting cold anyway. I dry myself and just put on my favorite white towel.

My room is so quiet and so empty. I kneel down, I pray, I don't know to who, but I just pray.

"Why am I made this way, why do I always mess things up, why do I try to control and then have no control, have nothing? Help me, please help me...."

I curl up in my lonely bed with all my warm blankets, longing to hold someone, to hold John. And I drift off into sleep.

The alarm goes off. And I start rushing for work. At least, I don't have time to think. It is nice to be busy, time goes by fast. At work, people respect me, do as I say, I can control what goes on. I feel bad as the day ends, knowing I will have to go to my lonely home. I wish I could stay at work. I wish I were like other people and trusted enough to go to nightclubs and meet others. I look good enough, I am smart enough, I am sure boys would ask me to dance,...but then I would just screw it up again.

I come home, maybe I'll warm some tea and have a salad, and some soup, that would soothe me. Maybe that will wash out my differentness.

I come in and see the phine has messages, so I click on the speakerphone as I put away my things. No, I will not vote for that person; no, I don't want to buy that; opps, forgot that bill....

Then, I hear John. No way, I thought he would never talk to me again. No way!

I drop the hanger and scurry to the phone.

He is sorry? He wants me? He wants to be mine?

I replay the message, and replay it, and again.

I am so happy, I could explode, I never thought,...I never imagined. I just start bouncing around the house, singing, skipping,

"John wants to be mine!!!!"

I listen and write down notes when I settle down. I look at the pen, and laugh to myself that I am so anal.

Let's see, he was afraid and scared. But he never felt so aroused in his life. He thinks I am so special. He feels so secure with me. He wants me to trust him. He sort of understands. He admires me. He said please forgive him.

I am so happy, I start crying again.

I have to call him!

"John, I got your message, I am so happy!"

"Jill, thank god you will still talk to me, I am so sorry, I do want to be yours. Can I still take you out?"

"No John."

He is silent for a few seconds and I say,

"No silly, I take you out."

And we both laugh. I am so happy!

I stop by his home to pick him up. I go to the door he looks all cleaned up and neatly dressed, he is trying to please me.

I hug him,

"No kisses yet." I whisper and hand him the bag. He smiles and goes off and says from a distance.

"I need to get some ice first."

I blush and wait, so excited, but more happy than at the diner, more happy than ever in my life!