Modern Science

"Stop! I'm calling the police! Evelyn, call 911! Now!"

I reached the backdoor before Roger had even emerged from the closet. I opened the door, slammed it closed, and sprinted for the back fence. I jumped onto a patio table, vaulted the fence, landed in the alley, and continued running at full speed. I ran about six blocks before I was too tired to take another step. I collapsed on the ground and hid beside an overgrown hedge. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I didn't hear any footsteps behind me. I think I lost him.

It took me nearly thirty minutes to make my way home. I ran from tree to tree, hiding behind hedges and between parked cars, sticking to the shadows as much as possible while I arced my way back to the house. I climbed over the fence from the west side, and made my way to the back door. Once inside the house I slipped into the bedroom and went to bed.

Fifteen minutes later a police cruiser pulled into the neighbors' driveway. I couldn't hear the conversation, but they were there for nearly an hour before leaving. No one saw me. My finger prints are all over the place! I've never been arrested, so my prints aren't in any data base. I left a DNA sample all over the wall! Evelyn probably cleaned it up. What if she didn't? Fuck!

I didn't get any sleep that night. The next morning I got up at the usual time and put on a pot of coffee. I got my mom out of bed, fixed her breakfast, and went out to pick up the morning paper. Just as I reached the end of the driveway, Evelyn opened the door and walked out in her pink bathrobe.

"Good morning," she called.

"Is it?" I asked. "You two had a little excitement last night."

"Oh, that? Someone broke into our house. Didn't take anything, so we were pretty lucky."

"Did they get away?"

"The cops said there have been a lot of B & E's in this area lately. Neither my husband nor I saw anything, and the police couldn't get a good fingerprint, but they think they know who it was. They're just waiting for some stolen goods to turn up at the pawn shop before they can make an arrest."

"They were there for an awful long time. Did they find any other evidence?"

"Nothing useful. The officers were very thorough. We had to check every room in the house to make sure nothing was missing. They went through my bedroom, even though I told them the burglar never made it that far. My underwear and all my intimate bedroom things were exposed. Our sheets were rather messy, so they had a pretty good idea why we didn't hear him enter."

"That must have been uncomfortable."

"Are you kidding? I was in nothing but this bathrobe the entire time. Their eyes were roaming all over the place. It was an invasion. An awesome invasion. Actually, the entire night was an uncomfortable, awesome invasion. I can't wait for next time."

She hugged me and then walked back into the house.

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I want to give special thanks to my editor, Alabasterthighs. Her assistance is greatly appreciated.