Moment of Clarity

He grabbed my arm and I had enough respect for him not to jerk away.

"Maybe, maybe you're right about...her lack of respect for you. I'm just her daddy. I can't get in the middle of this, but I can tell you she loves you. Don't do anything stupid right now. Just get somewhere and have a drink and cool down. This will all work itself out."

"Maybe..." and then I did walk away from him.

############## ##################### #########

The driveway lit up with the lights of a car pulling into our driveway at 12:45 a.m. I was down to one and a half Michelobs and I was feeling fairly mellow. I heard car doors open, and voices. I had opened the window next to the easy chair, although it made the house chilly. But when people parked because of the way the driveway slanted unless they were whispering it was like they were standing next to the window and I could usually hear every word.

"He's here." It was big brother Dave. "Thank God."

"The son of a bitch. He's a sorry bastard."

"Cool it. I know you're sober now. After showing your ass that way, just be glad he's here and not off screwing some random piece of tail, the way most guys would."

"You shut up. He's my fucking husband, a big fucking baby that walks away sucking his thumb when his feelings get hurt and leaves his wife. What kind of husband does that."

"The kind whose wife is rubbing her pussy all over an ex boyfriend right in front of him, you dumb bitch. If you weren't my sister and you didn't have those boys, I'd tell him to just dump your ass and go out and find somebody who wouldn't humiliate him in public."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Diane had always been a good little churchgoing Southern girl. Damn and heck were the strongest words I'd ever heard her use, even in bed. Now she was saying 'fucking?' It had indeed been one hell of a night.

The front door opened they walked in. A moment later the hallway light flipped on and light invaded the den. But it only reached the center of the den. I sat in darkness.

Dave walked into the den first, Diane on his heels. He looked around and saw my shape sitting in the shadows in the easy chair. He just looked at me for a moment and then said, "Hi, Lyle."

"Hello Dave."

There was what seemed like an interminable silence. I wasn't going to be the first to speak to her. Finally she said, "Lyle."

"Diane," I said in the same flat, emotionless tone.

"Are you all right?" Dave asked.

"Fine, thanks for asking."

"You bastard!"

She blurted it out as if a cork had popped and she couldn't contain herself any longer.

"I love you too, bitch."

She tensed and if Dave hadn't held his arm out I think she might have launched herself at me. Her hair was wild, her face flushed, lipstick long gone, the white dress had blood on it (blood?) and was creased and there were dirt spots on it. It must indeed have been a hell of a party after I left.

"Smartass, always some smart crack. You think it was funny leaving me alone, not telling anyone where you were going, just vanishing. What kind of man does that?"

"I don't know, probably some pencil-dicked coward too frightened to fight a man who was rubbing his wife's tits with her permission in front of all their friends and family."

She had the decency to flush while Dave gave her a dirty look.

"You had us worried, man," Dave said. "Why didn't you answer your phone, any of your phones?"

"I didn't feel like talking to anybody."

He rubbed his chin and looked from Diane to me.

"I guess...I guess I'll leave you guys to talk then. It's been a long night, a hell of a night. I'm getting too old for this crap. You sure you're okay, Lyle?"

"I was just being polite, Dave. I'm not alright. I don't know that I ever will be again. But it's not your problem. Thanks for getting Diane home. If it had been up to me, she could have gone home with Bobby or set up camping at the RV park."

He gave both of us another look and then just shook his head. Then he looked over at Diane.

"I'll leave then, Lyle. Let you guys – work things out. Diane, walk me out, okay?"

From their voices I could tell they were standing by his Chevy Tahoe.

"Goddamn him, Dave. He's such an asshole. Any other guy would have waded into Bobby, or gotten drunk or done something human. He walks off and sulks at home. He's not-"

"I would have kicked Bobby's ass, and so would Tommy and most of the guys we know. Lyle isn't like that. He's not a fighter. You knew that when you decided to go after him. You remember. I remember very well. You said he wasn't one of those guys who'd come home with grease under their fingers, give you six or seven kids, get drunk every weekend and screw around on you when you put on a few pounds. You said, and I quote, "he's a man who's going to go places. He'll provide for me and our children and be faithful to me and give us a good life. He's a good man."

"You wanted something better and you got it and now you're getting antsy and doing that pussy dance that means if Bobby isn't getting any he probably will be. I used to be proud of you, Diane, but now I'm wondering if you're not just another hot pants slut that's going to wind up divorced four or five times, dragging new boyfriends home every few weeks and making Mom and Dad cry when they think about the mess you've made out of your life."

"Oh Dave, grow up. I'm not stupid. I was feeling antsy, maybe horny, but I'm not 17. I was playing with Bobby because it felt good for one night to feel like a teenager again. My husband should have grabbed me and made me behave, but I forgot who I'm married to. He's pissed right now, but he'll get over it. It was one night and one fight. I'll go in there and give him some loving and this will all pass. People don't – break up – because of one fight."

"You damn well better, sister. You think because I build houses that I don't know anything about your dear husband. I have clients and partners whose kids go to JU. They talk about Lyle. He's young and he's got his hair and he's smart and a lot of those coeds think he's cute. There have been time's he'd have gotten laid for an "A' or even a "C".

"And there were female professors. One – well let's just say she was so open about chasing him that the Dean had to tell her to cool it or they'd have to take action. So you go in there and blow him or do whatever you got to do. You lose him and he won't be sitting and crying into his beer for long."

She came back in and stood at the entrance to the den for another long moment. Neither of us said anything. Then she started to cross the den toward me. I held my hand up.

"Stop. Grab a chair and sit over there by the TV."

It surprised her. I could read it on her face. She was expecting to come over, kneel at my feet, cuddle for a moment and then started the kissing which would lead to the bedroom. But it wasn't going to happen.

She took a deep breath.

"I know...Lyle...I know I acted like a complete shit out there tonight. You don't need to read me the riot act. Everybody else already has. Jesus Christ, everybody acts like you're blood and I'm the outsider. But, I was drinking, you know that.

"And Bobby...you know Bobby and I have a history. We go way back. We met in elementary, would you believe? And – you have to know this...he's still in love with me. He never got over me choosing you as my husband. I know it's not right, but I feel sorry for him – so sorry – sometimes."

"So you're going to ease his pain by fucking him?"

Anger flared in her eyes.

"He's hurting. A little flirting makes him feel better. Nothing else was going to happen, until you came in like a big man and got things rolling. You didn't need to. He's a friend. You're my husband, the man I love. "

After another moment she sat in a straight back chair. It wasn't the most comfortable in the world, which was what I wanted.

"Not to change the subject, Diane, but I'm curious about something. I left the campground about 8. My phone didn't start ringing until 11. I know the campground is a big place and a lot of stuff was going on, but after that little incident it took you three hours to realize I was nowhere to be found? You must really have been feeling guilty about what happened to realize I'd vanished in only three hours.

"I guess if we hadn't had that little set to you wouldn't have realized I was missing until the next morning. That tells me how important I am in your life."

Anger flared in her eyes and she was about to say something when she thought of something and stopped.

"My god, Lyle, you don't know, do you?"

"Know what?"

"All hell broke loose after – after you left. I did forget about you. Everybody did for a little while. But it doesn't mean I don't care for you. It's just –"

"Enough, what happened?'

"After, afterwards, Bobby and I danced for a little while. I know I shouldn't have, but I was so damned pissed at you. I – I know you don't – fight. But...God this makes me sound like I'm 13, but I was hurt that you didn't at least take a swing at Bobby. If he'd put down you, I'd have been all over you loving and comforting you. I wanted to. You're my husband, but you walked away.

"So yeah, I was pissed. I danced with him. And you know Bobby, he was drinking. So after a few minutes he went off to pee. Knowing Bobby I figured he'd either go to the lake or behind one of the cabins.

"I got to talking with some people and didn't think anything more about Bobby for awhile. After about a half-hour I started to wonder where he'd gone. I wasn't worried about you because you usually wander off and we don't reconnect until later in the evening.

"Then I heard a scream and everybody started running toward the lake. People were crowded around someone lying on the ground. I tried to get closer and then I realized it was Bobby. It was terrible. His face was covered with blood. One eye was swelling shut. They told me his arm was broken and he had some fingers broken as well.

"Dave and some of the others were talking to him and I heard them say somebody had to call the Sheriff. Three biker types had gotten in Bobby's face, saying stuff about the old fart party messing up their party. When they got to arguing, all three of them started in on Bobby. He said a few of them would be limping and hurting for awhile, but there were too many of them.

"Everything got hectic then. We called rescue for Bobby and the Sheriff's Office sent three cruisers and they were checking the park for see if the bikers were still there or if anybody else was there and then after awhile people started checking to make sure that everybody was accounted for."

I took in what she had told me and an obvious question occurred to me.

"Still, it took you three hours total and some time after you knew there were some bad bikers wandering the park to wonder where your beloved husband went? I repeat. I must really rank high on your list of important people."

She bit her lip and wouldn't look at me. It dawned on me.

"You weren't at the park, were you? You want with Bobby to the hospital. You had to hold his hand, didn't you?"

She finally looked at me.

'He was beat up so damned bad, Lyle. He was hurting and he asked me if I would ride with him. I couldn't say –"

"-No-, could you. That seems to be a pattern developing here. You just can't say no to Bobby."

"Don't do this, Lyle. It was a decent, human thing to do. If you weren't so mad at me, you'd know that."

"Of course, he was an old friend. An old friend you used to fuck before I came along. You had to be there for him in his time of need. You did fuck him back then, didn't you?"

She looked down at the floor, shook her head and then met my eyes again.

"Yes, Lyle. You knew that. We were serious back then and I wasn't any little girl. We used to fuck. Does that make you feel better. And before you ask, he was good. Very good. Does that make me a slut? How about you? I know damn well you weren't a virgin when we married. Should I be jealous of every woman you were ever with before me?"

"No. That was then. This is now."

"Yeah. He asked me to ride with him and I did. I held his hand, the one that they hadn't broken the fingers on. There was a ER tech in there with us and there were people around us every second we were in the ER in Palatka where they were patching him up. Nothing happened, Lyle, and even if we were alone, messing with me was the last thing on his mind. You have nothing to be jealous of."

"Did I say I was jealous."

"You don't have to. I see it in your face every time he's near me. I guess, I guess I can't blame you. If you were always with another woman I knew you'd been with, it would eat at me."

"Did you ever think about me?"

She lowered her eyes again and wouldn't look me in the eye.

"Lyle, you know that's not a fair question. So much was going on. Bobby was hurt, everybody was calling everybody else..."

"So the answer is no. When did, and who did eventually start to wondering about me?"

She continued to look at the floor.

"They treated Bobby and his brother showed up to get him home. I went back to the campground with Kelly and Billy. When I got there Daddy came up to me and asked me if I'd seen you since..."

"That's wonderful, Diane. Your FATHER thinks enough of me to remember I'd gone missing, before my wife did."

She looked up at me and I could see tears glistening in her eyes.

"Keep it up, Lyle. I screwed up and you're going to hurt me as bad as you can for what I did. Good one. I feel just a little bit shittier now."

"Sorry, I guess a guilty conscience hurts, doesn't it. It's hard for me to tell because I haven't been screwing around on you."

She just looked at me and dropped her gaze to the floor again.

We were both silent for a moment.

"Well, at least we got the air cleared, honey."

She looked at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

"What?"

"I stayed here because I wanted to have a chance to talk to you before I – leave."

"Leave, where are you going? You're not still pissed off at me are you?"

I took in the sight of her: dirty, disheveled, blood on the white dress, and thought I'd never seen anything so beautiful before. And I never would again.

"I've got to run an errand, something I put off until I had a chance to talk to you. Then I'm going to find a place to spend the night, some cheap motel, and Monday I'll be arranging a permanent place to stay and meeting with an attorney."

"A place to...spend the night? Attorney? Lyle, are you crazy? What are you talking about? We just had a fight? A bad one, but I love you. People don't – split – because of one fight. What happened to you, Lyle? We were happy this morning. What could have happened in less than 24 hours to make you want to leave me?"

I didn't answer her, just pointed beyond her to the hallway leading to the kids' bedrooms.

"Go," I said.

She got up slowly and walked into the other room. I knew she'd see the suitcases, the laptop, my briefcase.

She walked back into the den every more slowly, shaking her head as if she couldn't believe what she'd seen,.

"You are insane, Lyle. You are walking out on me and our two sons...because of one fight! One stupid mistake I made while I was drunk a few hours ago. I didn't have sex with anyone. I didn't betray you. You are certifiable."

When I didn't answer she started toward me and I held my hand up again to stop her. She backed up but didn't sit down.

"Can you tell me why? Can't you at least do that?"

"I had a moment of clarity."

I could see she had no idea what I was talking about.

"A moment of clarity? Why do you do that, Kyle? I know you think you're smarter than I am, than anybody in my family, anybody around here. But why can't you avoid rubbing our noses in the fact that we're morons compared to you. Put it in words I can understand."

She was right. I did take my intellectual superiority to Diane and her family too much for granted. I hadn't ever realized how much of an asshole I was simply because I worked with my head instead of my hands and had gone far beyond anywhere Diane's family had in their education.

"I'm sorry Diane. I really am. I don't mean to do that. It's just that's the way professors of English Literature think and talk. It's not that hard to explain, actually. We, all of us, walk around never really seeing what our whole lives are all about.

"We're blinded by all the minutiae of our existences – waking up and brushing our teeth and going to work and paying bills and what's on TV tonight and the kids having colds and wondering if we're getting fat or if our husbands or wives are looking at other people. We never step back and get a picture of where our lives are. Except, once in a rare while."

I stopped for a moment, then added, "I had a moment of clarity earlier tonight."

"You keep saying that, but what does it mean? What did you see?'

I had to force the words out. It was the hardest speech I'd ever made, would ever make, because I knew that I was killing our life together, killing my life with the two boys I loved more than life itself. But she deserved to know why I was leaving.

"I saw our life, Diane. I saw what we are, what we were, and what we've become. It had nothing to do – or very little – with what happened at the party. You're right, to walk out because of one fight, one mistake, one incident, would be crazy. That's not why I'm leaving.

"I'm leaving because I realized our marriage was a mistake, that I love you but you don't love me, that I have never and probably never will satisfy you sexually the way you need to be satisfied, that you're a good woman deep down and you will never leave me because you honor your promises, and that we're too young to screw up each other's lives for the next 40 or 50 years. That's why I'm leaving when we finish our conversation..,"

She shook her head again and this time the tears did flow. I knew she was crying for a life that was ending, just like I was. The fact that she didn't love me the way I loved her didn't mean there was no love there. Just not enough.

"How can you say those things, Lyle? How can you be that cruel?'

"Look at me, Diane. Answer me two questions, and if I'm wrong, I'll rethink what I just said."

A look of fear crossed her face and I knew that somehow she knew what I was going to ask her.

"Have you ever cheated on me, baby? Have you been with another man since we married?"

She was mute. The look on her face answered the question.

"Thanks, that's one of the reasons I love you. You could have lied, or tried half-truths. But you're too good a woman. You can't lie and you won't tell me the truth you know will break my heart. But we both know the answer to that. You just answered. Silence is eloquent."

"And the second question. Are you in love with me, Diane?"

"I love you, Lyle. How the hell can you ask me that. No matter ...what...you have to know I love you."

"That wasn't the question I asked, Diane. Are you IN LOVE with me?"

"I don't understand.."

"You love your father and your mother and our boys and your brothers and sisters. I know you'd give your life for them.

"But being IN LOVE is different. It's having your breath catch in your throat when you look at a man that makes your heart beat faster, that makes you wet when he kisses the side of your throat and rubs your breasts, that you dream about and want when he's not around.

"It's the way I feel about you. I don't know if you felt like that about me when we were married, but I know you don't feel that way now. You'd make a good sister to me, but you're not a wife."

"Is that it?" She stood up and started toward me. "Is this all about sex, Lyle? Is that what it's really all about. You're sorry because I'm not some sort of slut in bed with you. I know I don't – orgasm much, but I love sex with you. It doesn't have to be all rockets and fireworks. It can be quiet and good too."