More Tales from the Guilds Ch. 02

¹⁵ Blushing furiously

After some thought, the Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography decided that where he was would be a good place to wait until supper was served so he curled up in a ball and went to sleep.

*****

The Patrician thumbed through the report of the conversation between Madame Lotus Blossom and Professor Rincewind with little interest. There wasn't anything in it about either Ankh-Morpork society or Unseen University that he didn't already know but you didn't stay ruler of so unruly a city for long by ignoring even the slightest detail. Then he came to the end (when she chastely kissed the man's cheek) and stopped dead in mid-sentence. Rincewind had an admirer? Vetinari blinked once or twice to clear his eyes and make sure that what he thought he'd read was really on the page. No, there was no mistake. That was exactly what the report said and knowing the individual who made it, he was absolutely sure that it was exactly what happened. A bemused smile spread across the black-clad man's lips.

"Drumknott, it seems that Madame Lotus Blossom has set her sights on Professor Rincewind. How odd."

"They do say that love is blind, milord," the clerk replied while neatening up the Patrician's in-box.

"I've heard the same," Vetinari mused, "but no one to my knowledge has proclaimed that it can also be utterly daft. We may be on the verge of a new discovery."

"The Professor has always maintained that the Multiverse was out to get him. Perhaps this is its chance to make amends?"

Vetinari thought about that for a few moments and then shook his head. "I find that unlikely. More probably this apparent good turn of events will end up in disaster for the poor man. And if it doesn't, he will manage to make it do so. Put this in his file, would you? I may have reason to refer to it again."

"Of course, milord." And Drumknott padded silently away.

*****

Comrade Sung sipped his tea and allowed himself a self-congratulatory Evil Chuckle. With both Tang and McSweeney undergoing Extremely Polite Interrogation from the People's Magnanimous Constabulary (something that everyone tried with great zeal to avoid and which few survived) his way was now clear to arrange the replacement of Madame Butterfly. Not personally, of course. That would not only be very dangerous but would also look bad. No he needed a trustworthy assassin, preferably one outside the circle of known ninjas. And, as luck would have it, there was a rumor that a foreign devil had recently arrived in Hunghung who was a renowned eliminator of personal problems—and problem personnel. He rang the bell for his chief minion.

*****

A puzzled Arachne handed the ideogram covered paper to Mr. Pump. "Here, old pot, tell us what this says. You're the one who got programed to read these chicken scratches."

The golem looked down at the paper, his face¹⁶ expressionless and impassive. "It Says That A Comrade Sung Would Like To Engage You To Inhume The Secretary Of The People's Beneficent Republic. He Offers You The Going Rate For Heads Of State, AM$1,000,000—In Agatean Gold."

¹⁶ as usual

Arachne's jaw dropped slowly and stayed there, slack, for a long moment. "Oh, come on! Does it have any provenance? Is it real? This is just too convenient."

"According To The Seals And The Scarlet Ribbon Wrapped Around It, This Is An Official Government Communication."

Accumulata began to giggle. "According to the Guild Bylaws, you have to be paid up front if you take the contract. Even deducting the Guild tax, that's a lot of money."

Arachne shook her head. "Impossible. I can't accept the payment and then not make every attempt to fulfill it. The Guild may want to expand operations into the PBRA and our reputation for honest dealing must not be tarnished. No, we'll just lose the letter. I presume it has Comrade Sung's return address?"

"It Does. It Also Carries His Karmic Signature."

Silence filled the room and two pairs of human eyes turned toward the Zoo of Horrors arrayed in glass jars along one side of the room. Then they turned to each other.

"What is your command, Madame Ambassador?"

"Accomplish your original commission, Assassin."

"It shall be as you require, Ambassador."

*****

Comrade Sung sipped his tea and took another spoonful of congee. Everything was going to plan. The Assassin from Ankh-Morpork would inhume the Chairman and the fact, 'discovered' by himself, would justify declaring war. The hordes of Agatean soldiers would make short work of the ill-behaved, unwashed and repellent foreigners. They would loot the city and bring home the Cunning Artificers as booty. The Empire would be reestablished and he, the Emperor Sung, would rule the Disc. What could possibly go wrong?

As Comrade Sung chortled to himself that morning, an unseen 'presence' followed with great interest a large, loathsome-looking centipede. It watched as the many legged horror scuttled back and forth outside Sung's town house like a hound on a scent. At last it found an opening in the foundation and, speeding up, entered. Death was intrigued as the arachnid worked its way beneath the floor, then up inside a wall and across several ceilings until, at last, it found the room it sought. With thorn tipped feet it scraped a hole in the ceiling directly above Comrade Sung and when he bent forward to take another spoonful, it dropped directly onto the back of his neck and sank it's forcipules into the base of his skull. Sung screamed in pain as twin trails of smoke rose from the wound but by the time a servant could rush in to assist, the man was already on the floor, twitching and writhing in pain—but only for a few moments before the toxins in the bite began to dissolve his flesh. Within ten minutes only the bones and a fetid pool remained.

What remained of the man stood staring down at his remains. If the spirit had been capable of nausea it would have wretched.

"What was that?"

AN UNNAMED SPECIES OF CENTIPEDE FOUND IN 4X, I BELIEVE. IT APPEARS THAT YOU MISJUDGED YOUR OPPONENTS, A HABIT YOUR FATHER SHARED. NOW IF YOU WILL COME THIS WAY?

*****

"A centipede?" Fate was outraged.

"You said no butterflies and I agreed," The Lady smiled, "and as you can see, I kept my word. And I won—again."