More Tales from the Guilds Ch. 10

The Chief Priest of Blind Io took a sip, rolled it around in his mouth, swallowed and smacked his lips. "Well," he began, "I wasn't able t'locate any guild members who could recall the rituals y'need but I believe I did find someone who can help."

He motioned the others over to a small chapel off to one side of the main basilica and made a couple of mystical gestures. A golden haze started as a point and grew into a globe the size of a man. Out of it stepped a radiantly beautiful woman.

"Gentlemen, let me introduce yer to Petulia, Goddess of Negotiable Affection."

Stibbons gasped, inhaled his drink, coughed and almost drowned. Petulia was dressed (if one could call it that, perhaps 'decorated' is a better term) in two long, narrow scarves that hung front and back from a very low-slung jeweled belt around her hips. The curve of her belly (with jeweled navel) rose from the belt to a crop top that barely contained full breasts. She smiled at the wizards and winked mischievously.

"I understand that you two gentlemen are in need of some assistance with re-chem-ing a golem."

The Archchancellor took a long, slow deep breath and swallowed his mouthful very carefully.

"Indeed we are, Madam," he began, "The Vice Chancellor here has determ'ned that Axels give off a uniform tone as they turn. Since golems are made of the Disk, it seems they can 'hear' sounds comin' through it. We need t'make it poss'ble for a golem t'hear this particular tone through the rock at th' bottom of dwarf mines. Axles are ver' valuable and minin' for them would greatly increase th' 'mount of money in circulation."

Petulia clapped her hands in delight. "And more money in circulation means that more gentlemen will be spending it on pleasurable activities! My ladies will be delighted. So, I will do whatever I can to assist. Where is this golem you intend to modify?"

"Right now," Stibbons wheezed, "it's waiting in the High Energy Magic Building. Would you prefer to see it there or shall we bring it to you here?"

Petulia giggled. "Neither is necessary. I just need an example of the tone you wish it to detect. I can write the instructions and then you can just put them inside its head with the rest of its chem. I know just what you need."

"As simple as that? Stibbons, you were right to bring along one of the sonographs. Fetch it for the lady—uh, goddess so she can get started."

Stibbons hustled out the door and back carrying the small box. He set it down in front of Petulia who noticed that he seemed to be perspiring much more than the exertion merited. She smiled even more broadly and wiped his brow, nearly giving the wizard a coronary. Then, peering intently at the image on the screen, she reached up into the air and pulled down a quill, a jar of ink and a strip of linen rag paper with a music staff on it. Again, peering intently at the quivering image, she lay her forehead on the box and then wrote a note, marked it 'Dbl contra', pppp, tocatta and sostenuto.

"There," she said in satisfaction, "that should be all your golem needs to feel that tone through its feet or hands if it touches the wall of the mine tunnel. Just pop this into its head and send it back to Copperhead. The Guild will be awaiting the results with eager anticipation. And Vice Chancellor," she murmured, "do come up and see me sometime?"

With that, Petulia vanished.

Stibbons mouth opened and closed like a gasping fish on the bank. The Ridcully brothers smiled benignly at him.

"D'yer realize that she just gave yer a free pass?" Hughnon asked pleasantly, "Those are almost magical worlds on the Street of Negotiable Affection. Stop in at Mrs. Palm's and just say 'Petulia sent me' and the evenin's on the house. I should give that a good bit of thought, I should."

Stibbons turned deep crimson. "Uh, I think we'd best get this paper back to Unseen and get Shelger to work. That is what we came for." And he picked up the box and turned to the door. Mustrum and Hughnon winked at each other, nodded and went their separate ways.

*****

Blodwen, Low Queen of the Dwarfs, gathered all the dezka-k'niki of Überwald in her main conference room. Once order and quiet had been established, she stood and addressed the group.

"Look you," she began, "Vetinari has sent word, see, that the University's experiment appears to be a success. The golem Shelger has been re-chemed and detected the Ankh-Morpork Axle through the mud and loam from ¾ of a mile. Through our good rock, it should be even farther. So, once it returns to Schmaltzberg, it is to be given full access to every deep tunnel we have. All we have to do is locate one new Axle, see, and this whole venture will be a success. You all have mines that have had to be abandoned because the water leaked in too deep to pump or the air got too foul. If we can find enough to power each of those, the increased income will be grand. And, look you, if we find a few more that can be sold to other kingdoms and duchies to run Undertakings like Vetinari's . . ."

Astonished silence greeted the announcement before an excited buzz rose from the assembled Chief Mining Engineers. More Axles! Discovered, not by happy accident, but deliberately? This could drive entire new industries and generate nearly (because dwarfs have vast imaginations concerning wealth) unimaginable sums.

Dezka-k'nik Diligent Pridescousin rose. As patriarch of one of the wealthiest and most powerful of the silver mining clans, he commanded great respect and instant silence.

"My Queen," he began, "this are strange and exciting tidings. I, myself, have met this golem called Shelger. It is a sober, logical and hard-working being. I am sure that I speak for all the dezka-k'niki when I say that we approve of this proposal and will bend every effort to further its success. I only ask, what are we paying it?"

Blodwen smiled through her beard. She knew that this would be the first question asked so she had made preparations. "Shelger and the Golem Trust have agreed to accept one percent of the gross revenue derived from any new Axle it finds. They are satisfied that that will allow them to buy and free every owned golem in Ankh-Morpork and begin to search for others outside the City. Is this agreeable?"

A roar of acclamation rose from the assembly. A new day was dawning in Überwald.