More than a Substitute

Noah, either feeling threatened or excited by Jax's presence, ran down the hall after him. We soon heard the sounds of happy little boys telling stories with their toys. I walked over to Isa and gave her a friendly hug. She walked in, dropped her bag on the couch, then plopped down next to it.

"Drink?" I offered.

"I'm good for now," she said, holding up a coffee tumbler and putting her hand on her brow. "Sit with me?" she asked.

With a sigh, I joined her on the couch. She looked sideways at me and said, "If we knew each other a little better, I'd be asking you to rub my feet right now."

Listening intently down the hall for a second to ensure that the boys were occupied, I reached down and pulled her feet into my lap. "Let's pretend we know each other better," I said.

With a groan of satisfaction, Isa kicked off her shoes and reclined on the couch with her feet in my lap. Head back and eyes closed, she said in a low voice, "How well do you want to pretend to know me?" I wanted to hear that as an invitation to go further, but what little I did know of her personality told me it was probably a joke. The joke of an exhausted single mom.

"I'd rather not need to pretend," I said, rubbing my hand just up to her mid-calf and back down to her feet.

She gave a small laugh and said, "I know, me too. Since we're talking about it, I don't have the energy today to act like someone else. You're going to just get me, unfiltered. It's a lot easier in the long run, but I understand if it's not that attractive."

I had already noticed that she just let her thoughts flow sometimes. I asked, "Have you been filtered up till now?"

"Not really. I mean, you always see me with the teacher filter on, so I have to watch some of the things I say and do. I can drop that act today. But I'm not going to act like I'm anything other than tired and a little worried and a lot of other less-than-perfect things right now." She was saying all this with her arm across her face, covering her eyes.

"Well," I said with fake disappointment, still rubbing her feet, "that's too bad. I'm really only interested in perfect women. I guess I'll just have to go make dinner and listen to you go on and on about what's got you worried. I suppose we can just be civil until our boys are done playing." Without warning, she kicked a foot up at my face, probably only intending to startle me. But not realizing that I was a little bent over, she made contact with my chin.

"AHH! I'm so sorry!" she said, sitting up. She hadn't hurt me too bad, but her nail had cut my chin. "Oh God, you're bleeding," she said, digging in her bag.

I stood up and headed to the bathroom. "It's OK, I got this," I said, glancing in the mirror at the little trickle of blood on my chin. Isa stood awkwardly outside in the hall, making eye contact with my reflection. "I'm so sorry, Brian, I didn't mean..."

"It's no problem really. Hey, while I'm tending my wounds, can you go in the kitchen and start chopping something? Everything's on the counter."

Glad for the distraction, I think, she went to the kitchen, where I found her a few minutes later with most of a salad chopped and ready. We chatted as we made dinner, occasionally heading back to Noah's play room to break up a scuffle.

I learned a little of her story. She got pregnant just after college, during a post-graduation vacation at the beach. Failed condom, she assumed, but it was a crazy enough week that she wouldn't have been surprised if she and her boyfriend had forgotten to be safe one time. They had broken up already when she found out she was pregnant. They were still on good terms, though, and he volunteered child support. It wasn't a lot- he was just getting started in business and didn't have much- but it was enough to make a big difference if Isa lived modestly. He lived across the country, though, and wasn't a part of Jax's life. Her parents lived a few hours away, and they had shut her out for a while after she got pregnant. But in the past couple years, they had apologized and begun mending that relationship.

Finding work had been hard. Well, finding it wasn't hard, but managing to work and raise a child alone was hard. She was connected to some women who cleaned houses and offices, and since most of them had kids, they took turns watching the children while the others worked. It wasn't an ideal set-up, but it helped keep her afloat. Once Jax was old enough for preschool, Isa arranged to be a floating substitute teacher at the school. It paid a small amount but also meant that Jax could get free tuition. Like me, she was looking forward to when her son was in school for more of the day, enabling her to work more regularly. For now, though, she subbed and still cleaned houses.

"So...any other guys in your life since Jax came along?" I asked, putting plates out on the table. "I mean, let's be real here. I'm kind of digging you, and I don't want to beat around the bush."

She smiled, pouring drinks for the boys. "Dig away," she said. "You'd be the first. Not that...I mean, I've had a few guys talk to me, but they either were hesitant once Jax came into the conversation, or else they...I don't know, maybe they thought that a single mom would be too desperate to be choosy."

"Darn," I said, "You're choosy. I was hoping this would be easy."

Isa stepped towards me and planted a quick kiss on my lips. With a confident smile, she said "Brian, it's very easy...for the right guy." Then moving over to the stove, she yelled, "Jackson, Noah, time to eat! Wash your hands!"

The thumping of feet and clatter of toys told us they had heard. Noah, who wasn't as used to washing up as Jax was, followed the slightly older boy into the bathroom and did everything Jax did. They ran into the kitchen and hopped into their seats. Most of our dinner conversation was dominated by the boys, telling us about their adventures. It amazed me how, rather than work against each other, their imaginations meshed together and made new stories as they played. Noah's intention to run a zoo and Jax's interest in pirates resulted in a floating menagerie of pirate animals. Isa's eyes sparkled as she asked them questions about the different creatures. They were so distracted that I don't think Noah even noticed that I had gotten him to eat a whole bowl of salad.

Once plates were cleared, the boys asked to go play more. It had been an early dinner, so there was still time. Just before they ran back to the room, Noah paused and asked, "Do you want to come play with us?"

I was about to say yes when Isa answered, "No thank you, Noah. Your Daddy and I are going to play out here."

"Oh," he said thoughtfully. "What will you play?"

Smiling coyly at me, Isa said, "We're going to play house."

"What's house?" Noah asked, wrinkling his brow in confusion.

Jax spoke up with obvious disdain. "House is boring. Some of the girls at school play house. It's where you pretend to be a Mommy and a Daddy. They use dolls and pretend they're babies."

"Oh," said Noah, looking up at me with confusion. "Do you like playing house, Daddy?"

Acting like I was thinking seriously about it, I answered, "With the right friend, it can be very fun."

"But we don't have any dolls," Noah pointed out. "What will you use for a baby?"

"I guess we'll have to make one," Isa chirped. My eyes shot open at that remark.

Seeming content with that answer, Noah bounded off, saying to Jax, "Miss Isabella is fun."

"Who's Miss Isabella?" Jax asked as they disappeared.

As soon as the boys were out of sight, Isa started laughing. She turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, I couldn't resist. The look on your face...Oh my God...that was priceless..." she was trying to stop laughing but having a hard time of it. Then she quickly stopped, and looked very seriously at me. "Just to be clear, we're not having sex. I mean...not right now, at least. I just..." then she started laughing again, and I joined her. She said, "It was too good an opportunity, I couldn't resist."

Once we had composed ourselves, I started boiling water for tea. We sat at the kitchen table, waiting for the water to boil, and I said, "Hey, you never told me what's got you worried."

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm always worried about Jax and about work and about the future and now about you and what you think of me...it's nothing in particular."

"Well, if you just want to talk, I'm happy to listen," I offered.

"I've noticed that," she said. "But I've been running my mouth a lot today, I don't want to keep talking." She then asked me a few questions, getting me to fill in some of the details about Carrie and about our life since she died. I tried not to make it a downer, but it's hard to sugarcoat that kind of story. Just then, the teapot whistled and we made our drinks. Retiring to the living room, we sat on the couch again. We sipped in silence for a few minutes. Then Isa said, "Is it too cliché to comment that it's too quiet back there?"

I gave her a knowing look, then hollered, "Noah, what are you guys doing?"

"We're drawing on the wall!" Jax shouted back.

Isa's eyes went wide in fear, which made me chuckle. "It's OK," I said. "One wall is a giant chalkboard. They can draw all they want and just erase it later."

Isa nodded, impressed. The chalkboard wall was one of my favorite sanity savers. What kid doesn't want to scribble all over a wall? Or what grown-up, for that matter?

After another minute or two of peaceful sipping, Isa said, "So...you wanna make out?" If she hadn't timed her question to perfectly coincide with a sip I was taking, I may have given a better response. Instead, I coughed my tea back into the mug, consequently splashing some into my eyes. Isa smiled and picked up a napkin. Moving closer to me, she wiped my face, then kept moving closer until our lips were touching.

We fell into a natural, comfortable, slow kiss. We both blindly stretched our arms towards the coffee table, trying to find a home for our mugs. Once our teas were safely out of the way, Isa moved closer, getting halfway on my lap as our hands cautiously explored arms and sides and backs and necks. I put one hand around the back of her head, cradling her head and moving it slightly into a better angle. Isa gave little moans into my mouth and sighed through her nose.

I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy the sensations. I also wanted to keep my eyes open and enjoy the glimpses of her eyes, her cheeks, her hair. Her tongue reached through our kiss and tapped mine. I pushed back and our kiss found new urgency. Her lust matched my own, and the frantic pushing of face against face warned me that my lips would be tender in the morning. Isa tugged at the bottom of my shirt, lifting it just slightly, then moving her hand along my waist. The feel of her hand on my bare skin made my already straining cock ache with the desire to carry this act to its natural conclusion.

Feeling the urge grow stronger, I started to be afraid that I wouldn't be able to control it. I reluctantly took hold of her wrist and pulled it off my side. Isa pulled her mouth back and looked at me questioningly. I smiled to reassure her. "What time do you need to leave?" I asked. Part of me hoped she would say, "Never," or at least, "In the morning." I didn't know if I'd be OK with that yet, I still had to consider Noah and preparing him for this, but my hormones were trying to overrule good sense.

Isa looked over at the clock and sighed. "Soon," she said. "Let me help with dishes first." She got off of me and off the couch, holding out a hand to help me up.

"Dishes are fine," I said, "I'll get them later."

She nodded, then yelled, "Jackson, two more minutes, OK?"

"OK!" came the muffled response.

I decided two minutes was enough for an important question. "Is this inappropriate?" I asked. "I mean, you're his teacher. Is there a...conflict of interest, or something?"

"Don't worry about it," she said, moving close and putting her hands on my chest. "I won't treat Noah any differently than I treat the other kids."

That answer didn't totally satisfy me...I was wondering if there was a policy to worry about, or...

"Or maybe we should just back off for the rest of the year. Is that what you want?" she asked with a fake pout.

In answer, I grabbed her waist and pulled her into an embrace. After one more gentle kiss, we backed up and went down the hall to drag the boys away from their play. Isa and Jax got their shoes on and I opened the door.

"See you...?" I asked, not sure what to expect.

"I'm working tomorrow evening," she said apologetically, "but why don't you guys come to our place the next day?"

Noah loved the idea of going to his teacher's house, and I was pretty happy with that idea, too.

*******

The next few weeks were a happy but frustrating repeat of that first time. We met either at my house or at her apartment sometime in the afternoon three or four days a week. The boys played together while Isa and I talked and made dinner. We all ate together, then the boys played some more while Isa and I talked or made out. Sometimes one or both of us would go back and play with the boys. It was an unspoken agreement that we should intentionally build those relationships just as much as the one between Isa and me.

As the weather got nicer, we started going on outings together- a Saturday at the playground or an afternoon at the children's museum. We never did any overnights, both of us agreeing that it would be too confusing for the boys, and probably well over the line of impropriety that we were already dancing around. And we never got any time together with just the two of us.

All the same, we started to feel like a little family coming together. I didn't have time to worry about opening up my heart to Isa, because she was too busy filling it up. Isa and I had talked so much about our histories and we began discussing the future, making no secret about our interest in each other. Neither of us wanted to play around at dating, so if this wasn't headed towards marriage, it was a waste of time.

"So what do we need to get there...to marriage?" I asked one evening, as the boys ran around in my backyard.

"I don't know," she said, a little sadly. "I feel like I'm assuming it now, as long as nothing happens to derail that."

"Like what?"

"I don't know...like sudden revelations about a secret past, or you losing interest, or...I don't know. We haven't even met each others' families yet."

"You're right," I said, opening my laptop. A few seconds later, my dad's face came on the screen. "Hey dad, go get mom, OK?"

"What are you doing?!" Isa frantically whispered at me, quickly checking her appearance in the hall mirror.

"Hey Brian, how are you?" my mom's voice asked sweetly. She had on her apron and I could see some flour on her face.

"I'm good, mom, thanks. Hey, I just wanted you to meet Isa."

"Well it's about damn time," I heard my dad mutter in the background.

Isa came over next to me and kicked my shin under the table. "Hi..." she said sweetly to the screen.

"Oh my, Brian, you weren't kidding," my mom said. "She's absolutely gorgeous! Did you propose yet?"

"Not yet, mom. But we're talking about it. She wanted to meet you guys first."

"Oh, well that's sweet. We've heard so much about you, dear. You've totally stolen his heart. We're so happy. We can't wait to come see you all...maybe next month?" Isa was blushing and flustered. Fortunately for her, Noah had heard his grandma's voice and came running out to the table. Jax was right behind, and the two of them popped their heads in front of Isa.

"Hey grandpa! Hey grandma!" shouted Noah.

"Hey buddy!" my dad said, then, "And you must be Jax. ARRRR, Matey!"

Jax held up his hand like a hook, squinted an eye and yelled , "ARRRRR!"

The boys went on and on for a few minutes, excitedly telling stories to my parents. Isa slipped out of the picture and stood next to me in the background. She wrapped her arms around me and put her head on my chest as we both watched the boys talk animatedly at the screen. After a few minutes, the boys ran away and I sat down. Saying good-bye to my dad and promising to call again soon, I closed the computer. Isa sat on my lap and said, "That was mean. I wasn't ready for that!"

"You didn't need to be ready- it's my parents. They love you because I love you. They think we're taking too long to get on with it, and I'm starting to agree. When I think about marrying you, I've got a thousand reasons to say yes and not a single reason to say no."

She sighed and looked away. "You're right. I feel the same way...I'm just scared."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I just touched her cheek and said, "OK. Wanna talk about it?"

She sighed and looked sadly up at me. "I just...am scared that you don't feel about me what I feel about you."

"Isa! I...I love you. I'm sorry if I haven't made that clear..."

"No, I understand that, but...I've never been in love...not like this. I had boyfriends in college, but we always knew it was just partly lust, partly infatuation. There was never any future in it. So this is all so new and exciting and scary for me. I love you in a way that feels so unique- like no one could ever make me feel this way, ever again. And...you've been married before. You had that with Carrie- you had a child together. There will always be pictures of her on the walls of your home..."

I opened my mouth to explain or interrupt or...something. But Isa held up a hand and stopped me. "No, it's OK. It should be that way, I don't want her memory gone- for Noah or for you. But...I don't want to be just a substitute." My eyebrows went up as she picked up on the very term I had been thinking about. "Like at school- everyone knows I'm not the real teacher, I'm just filling in. Short time or long, they're not my class. And I guess I'm scared that all I can ever be to you and Noah is just that...a substitute. And maybe that's OK, maybe it's alright if you love me in a different way than I love you. I don't know."

I was blinking, trying to compose myself. I led us to the couch to sit down. "I'm sorry," she said, seeing my reaction. "I didn't want to bring up painful memories, but we need to have this conversation at some point."

"I'm not upset about that," I said. "What upsets me is how sad I am that you feel that way. I don't know how to explain it, babe. Carrie's gone. I loved her so completely, but she's gone, and I'm not trying to replace her. I don't love her as my wife, I love her as a treasured part of my past. But my present, and my future...that's all you...and Jax...and Noah...You don't have to compete with my late wife for my affection, no more than you need to compete with Noah. I love him as my son...I love you as...as you, as my girlfriend, as the second chance I didn't think I'd ever get, as a sexy woman that I can't get enough of. You're not a substitute, Isa. You're the real deal- first place in my heart." It wasn't perfect, but it was the best I could do to explain my feelings in the moment.

She thought for a moment, then smiled and gave me one of those looks that just melted me. Resting her forearms on my shoulders, she rubbed her fingers on the back of my neck and changed the subject, asking, "So what are you doing tomorrow morning while Noah's at school?"

I shrugged and said, "Working, same as you, I guess. I just finished a project, so I need to get started finding my next client."

She gave me a curious look and said, "You haven't looked in Noah's bag yet, have you."

"No, I usually check after he goes to sleep."

Isa gave me a wicked smile and said, "There's a letter in there from the school. Mrs. Campbell is doing much better and is coming back tomorrow." My eyes widened in surprise. I had almost forgotten about poor Mrs. Campbell. "Sooo..." Isa went on, "I won't be working in the morning." She wiggled her hips a bit on my lap. "And I was thinking that, if you didn't have any work that had to be done tomorrow..." she wrapped her arms tighter around me and put her lips right in front of mine, "maybe I could come over and we could spend some time together without the boys."