Mother's Milk Ch. 01bynz_marie©
Good things come to those who wait. That's what my mother always used to say to me and often I would wonder when these good things were finally going to happen to me. My mum was poor and I grew up without a lot of things, one of those being a good father. Mum left him when I was only four so I never really knew him, but from the things I was told about him when I was older, I got the impression I was better off not knowing him. Mum did a pretty good job bringing me up on her own. Even though we were poor, I had a happy childhood.
When I hit my teenage years I became a bit unruly, going out a lot to parties and dating young. That's when I really could have done with a father figure to have some rules set in place, some guidelines. My mum did her best, but she had to work nights just to keep food on our plates and pay the rent. The one thing my mother would always tell me, well nag me would be closer to the truth, was to tell her when I wanted to start having sex so that she could make sure I was on the pill. The last thing my mum wanted was to see me get pregnant young. Of course I told her I wasn't interested in sex yet, I was only fifteen and not ready yet. I guess I was lucky to have such an understanding mother. She never once said to me don't have sex or don't drink alcohol. It was always, don't have sex unless you are on the pill and you use a condom. Don't drink too much because you don't want a hangover for school and don't get in a car if the driver has been drinking. Mum was a realist, she knew teenagers had sex and drank and she knew there was no way of stopping her kid from doing it, all she wanted to do was to make sure I was safe.
Why is it every generation doesn't listen to their parents even when they make sense? I'd like to be able to say I didn't know what I was doing or it was date-rape or I didn't know any better or some other excuse but the truth is I went out to a party with a group of friends and I got drunk. I somehow forgot all the good advice my mother had given me and I got carried away and I ended up fucking this cute guy that I fancied and was hoping he was going to ask me out. He turned out to be a total jerk and was just looking for an easy lay. I was so stupid. This little voice (my mother's voice) in the back of my head was telling me to stop or at least make him wear a rubber, but I ignored it.
After I had missed two periods, I told my mother about that night. She was furious, but after she yelled at me a few very profane swear words that I hadn't previously heard coming from the mouth of my sweet mother, she calmed down and sat down to talk to me about my options. Mum suggested three options to me. I could get an abortion of course and then carry on my life as usual and no one would have to know. I could adopt the baby out as mum told me there are always parents that want children but can't have their own. Or my third option was mum said I could keep the baby and stay living with her and she would help me bring my baby up.
It was a big decision for me, I had only recently turned sixteen and I didn't know if I could handle being a mother but also I didn't think I could go through nine months of being pregnant and then give it up to someone else. I considered abortion, but as I had already missed two periods, almost three, I didn't consider it long. I remembered that video they showed the class at school last year in Sex Ed about how much a baby grew in three months and I just couldn't go through with terminating it. So I went with option three and between me and mum we brought up my son Tom.
It wasn't easy, actually it was really hard and I don't think I could have done it without my mums help. But Tom was a good baby and grew into a wonderful young boy. There were tough times through the years but also a lot of very good, happy moments that made me think maybe mum was right about there being some good things coming to those who wait. One thing for sure, having a baby in the house brought out the best in my mum. She doted over her grandson and she got me back on track. I didn't even take much time off school, only three months. Mum insisted that I finish my education and she basically took over raising my son during school hours. It was really good for me. I cleaned up my act, no more parties and drinking. There's nothing like having a baby to make you see sense.
I fully breast feed Tom until he was three months old and I found that to be the most enjoyable thing about being a mother. I was reluctant to give it up and even after I returned back to school to finish my studies, I still gave him a feed of my milk before and after school and last thing at night. My mum feed him formula from a bottle during the day. As well as it being a pleasurable experience to breast feed my son, it also gave me another reason to give up drinking. I continued to breast feed him three times a day until he turned one, then I slowly weaned him off. I was a little sad to finally give up feeding him, but it was time and I thought maybe one day I might meet someone and get married and have another child and I would get the chance to enjoy the pleasure of breast feeding once more.
The years went by. Tom grew to be a handsome young man. I dated on and off but never met anyone that I loved enough or that was willing to take on another mans child. So I just stayed with my mum until old age crept up on her and she had to move into a retirement home. By that time Tom was now a teenager and we had a good close relationship. We were still poor but he grew up in a loving environment and because my mother had made sure I had stayed at school and graduated, I had a good job and I had been putting a little bit of money away for years to pay for Tom's education.
With the money I had saved and what Tom had earned from his part time job, there was enough to send him to a good college. I would often tease him about when his he going to bring a nice young lady home to meet his dear old mum and he would scoff it off telling me that I was not so old and that with school and his part time job there was no time for girls. It was a constant joke between us, but privately I was starting to wonder if he even liked girls. Not that I would love him any less if he was gay, but I did imagine that one day I would have the special bond with my grandchild that my mother had shared with Tom.
I did know he thought about sex a lot just like any teenage boy. I did, after all, do the laundry. I also would notice how he took long showers, spending a long time in the bathroom. Often he would shower 2 or 3 times a day. I found myself feeling uncomfortable sometimes when he would walk around the house with just a towel on around his waist. He had let his hair grow and it was shoulder length now and often he would just plonk himself down next to me on the couch to watch TV after coming direct from the shower. His gorgeous black hair still wet and dripping down on his bare chest, with just a towel coming between my wandering eyes and his manhood.
At times I would find it too much and have to get up with the excuse to get myself a drink or have to go pee. I just had to remove myself from the room for a moment to calm down, scolding myself in my mind. I would tell myself it's just because I hadn't been on a date recently or that it's was not my son's fault that he looked like my ideal fantasy man. But always on times like those, in the privacy of my own bed, late at night when my son was asleep, I would find myself masturbating and thinking of my fantasy man. I would start off thinking of some sexy stranger, imagining him making wild passionate love to me and then at the moment of orgasm the sexy stranger in my mind became Tom. I would lie there coming down from my climax and I would feel guilty for my own thoughts. There was a battle going on in my mind, morality against lust and I'm not sure who was winning.
I did not know how much longer I was going to be able to carry on ignoring my desires, especially as my son showed no signs of being interested in girls. I was starting to think perhaps it would be doing him a favor in the long run if I was to intervene and show him the joy of sex now that he was 18. But just when I was seriously considering making a move on him, I started to notice a change in his behavior. He wasn't spending so much time in the shower and yet he seemed in a good mood almost all of the time. I got to thinking maybe he has finally lost in virginity, perhaps it was at that party he went to a little while back. I considered asking him about it over breakfast one morning, but he seemed quieter than usual and instead I was concerned if he was alright.
"Are you OK Tom?" I asked.
"Yes mum. I'm fine," he replied, "Um,would it be OK if I asked a friend for dinner tonight mum?"
"Oh, sure son. Your friends are always welcome Tom, you know that," I answered, curious to whom it might be, but I did not ask.
He went off to college and I went to work but all day in the back of my mind I wondered who our guest might be. After work I went about making a nice dinner for three and while preparing it, Tom arrived home. He walked into the kitchen and he was holding hands with a girl. I have to say I was more than a little surprised and I hoped my facial expressions didn't show just how shocked I was to see a young woman hand in hand with my son.
"Hi mum. This is Jennifer," said Tom, introducing us.
"Hello. Please call me Jen," Jennifer said, holding out her hand.
"Great to meet you Jen. Please call me Marie, we are not informal here," I said accepting her hand and smiling at her as we shook hands. "Please open the wine Tom," I instructed.
We had a pre-dinner drink and engaged in the usual small talk as I tried to get to know her and tried to subtly find out her intentions in regards to my son. I'm sure she was sizing me up as well. It didn't take me long to realize that every time Tom looked at her or spoke of her, his whole face lit up. He may not have had much experience with girls, but it was becoming very obvious that he was completely infatuated with her. Perhaps even in love.
She seemed to be a very nice girl, bright and attractive and I quickly noticed that Jen had my son Tom wrapped around her little finger. I liked her, but my motherly instincts were being a little over protective when it became clear over the next few months that Tom was head over heels in love with her and would do anything to make her happy. Mostly this made me happy too.I only ever wanted to see my son happy in his life. But part of me was also jealous. Jealous that she got to spend so much time with him, jealous at the thought that some day soon it was likely she would be taking my son away from me and our home. And late at night in my bed, lying awake with my vibe in my hand, listening to their quiet whispers from Tom's room and the sound of Jen giggling, I was jealous that she got to fuck my son and I did not.
It confused me that I had this jealousy and that I should lie awake listening to them and their muffled sounds of love-making while I masturbated and imagined myself in her place. Often I would shed a tear after cumming, a mixture of my sadness at the forthcoming loss of my son to her, the shame and guilt I felt in desiring my son sexually and the sexual frustration and loneliness I had from not having a lover of my own. I, of course, kept all these feelings to myself and only showed that I was happy that Tom had found someone.
Months went by and he spent more and more time with her and less time at home. I was lonely but I learnt to deal with it. Then at the end of the year on Christmas day, Tom announced that they were getting married. They had finished college and wanted to marry straight away. There were hugs and kisses all around and I put on my best happy face. Of course I was happy, my son was living the life I had wanted and had worked so hard that he could have. But still there was some sadness for me as Tom would be moving out of home and I would be all alone. Tom must have sensed something, as he gave me a big hug of reassurance.
"Don't worry mum. Jen loves kids and we want to have a family right away. So before you know it, you will have another baby to cuddle," he said with a smile.
I smiled back and hugged him close. "You will always be my baby," I said lovingly.
It all happened so fast. There was Christmas, then Tom got a good job and Jen got a part time job, which she intended to stay at until she got pregnant. They had both decided she would be a stay-at-home mum and wouldn't work full time until their kids were at school. They had it all planned out. They lived with me for a short time while they looked for a place to live. I enjoyed having them there, but at times it was difficult for me as the sounds coming from Tom's room sounded like they weren't going to wait until their wedding day to start trying for a family. They were at it like rabbits. Every night I heard them and part of me hated it but part of me was also turned on by it and it seemed every night I was joining them in my head, although my body was in my own bed and the thing in my hand was my vibrator and not my son's cock.
They soon found an apartment and moved out. A sad day for me and I think Tom was a little sad too, but I wasn't sure if it was because he was sad to leave me or if he was just sad to know I would be alone now. I helped them with the packing and unpacking. Jen and I got on quite well and I think the prospect of her having Tom's child in the near future, brought us closer. It was all she ever talked about, even more so than their upcoming wedding.
The day of their wedding was great. Everything went according to plan. Tom was happy, Jen was happy and I was happy. I did not let my jealousy cloud my feelings of happiness on this day. I was the perfect mother. I helped out Jen in every way I could, I reassured Tom that he was going to be the best husband and best dad there ever was. Even my dear old mum was able to come out of the rest home for the event. She was in a wheelchair now and got tired easy. But it made her day. She was smiling and happy to be still around to see her grandson, that she helped raise, get wed. I gave her a big hug as we shared in our joy to see Tom doing so well with his life.
"Good things come to those who wait," she whispered to me in her frail voice.
"Yes mum, you are right as always," I replied smiling at her. Then I took her back to the rest home.
I didn't see much of Tom and Jen for the next few months. Of course they had their honeymoon and then they went back to work. Although they did live close to me and my house was on the way to Tom's job, so now and then Tom would drop by for a coffee on his way home from work or if he was up early enough, he would call in on his way to work. I hardly saw Jen at all. But Tom would say she's doing fine and then change the subject and talk about his job or ask how I was. I didn't see him long enough to pry for more information.
It was about three months later that I finally got to see Jen for more than just a quick hello. I had been nagging Tom to get them both over for dinner so I could catch up and talk to them both rather than my 10 minute conversation I usually got with Tom. I could tell something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. We had a nice dinner and were chatting over coffee and although the conversation was nice, it was almost too nice. It seemed they were hiding something and Jen didn't appear to have the glow of confidence she used to have. Then without realizing what the problem was, I asked the wrong question.
"So Jen, when are you going to give Tom the son he wants and make me an old grandmother?" I teased.
It was said as a bit of a joke, but I hit a nerve. Jen just burst into tears and ran out of the room, into Tom's old bedroom and Tom rushed out behind her to comfort her. I just sat there confused at what I had said wrong. Tom came back soon and told me not to worry about it. That Jen had hoped to be pregnant by now but it hadn't happened and she was a bit down about it. He thanked me for dinner and took her home. I made him promise to come and talk to me about it after work tomorrow and he agreed. The next day when Tom came over for a coffee after work, I asked him all about it.
"What's wrong with Jen son?" I asked concerned.
"Sorry about last night mum," he replied. "It's just we thought we could just have a baby right away and it's been months mum. I don't like to involve you in my problems."
"It hasn't been that long son. It's normal for it to take 4 or 5 months to get pregnant the first time." I tried to reassure him.
"It's been longer than that mum," he replied, blushing a little, "We started trying even before we got married. It's all she ever talks about mum. I just want her to be happy but she's starting to get depressed. I don't know what to do mum."
My son looked down and it made me sad. I gave him a hug. "Don't worry Tom. I'm sure the wonders of modern medicine can help. I think you should both go to the doctor and get checked out. Just to be on the safe side, although I'm sure there's nothing wrong with either of you, it's just a matter of timing." I said trying to sound as positive as possible.
"Yes mum. Of course you are right. I will make an appointment tomorrow."
Tom finished his coffee then went home to his wife, promising to keep me informed.
A week went by and I hadn't seen Tom. I was beginning to get worried. I rang him up at work. He was busy and didn't have the time to chat, but promised to call in on his way home. The day couldn't pass quick enough for me. Finally there he was at my door and he looked worn out.
"Oh come in Tom. Oh you look so tired son. Have you been working overtime?" I asked concerned as he sat down at the kitchen table while I made coffee.
"Yeah mum. I've been doing as much overtime as I can get. But I think I'm going to have to get a second job," he said, sounding exhausted.
"But you have a good job son and it pays well doesn't it?"
"Yeah it does mum, but it's not going to be enough," Tom replied.
"Enough for what Tom? Whats wrong son?" I was really concerned now.
Tom went on to explain to me that the results had come back from the doctor and Jen is unable to conceive. There is something wrong with her eggs and the doctors had suggested the artificial insemination but to join the IVF program it takes a lot of money and there is no guarantee of success. I have never seen my son with such a look of despair. It almost broke my heart to see him like that.
"Is that your only choice son? Do the doctors have no other suggestions?" I asked.
"Well there's adoption of course, but there is so much red tape involved with that these days mum and it takes so long. I'm worried about Jen, she's already on anti-depressants. I will do anything to get her a baby mum, it's the only thing that will make her happy again and I think if I don't do it soon she's going to get into a deep depression," Tom said almost in tears, "I just don't know what to do anymore mum."
"Have you thought about surrogacy Tom?" I asked.
"Yes mum. I did give it some thought of course. But I'm not sure I want some stranger carrying my baby and I've heard of so many cases where at the end the surrogate mother decides to keep the baby. I think that will kill Jen if that happened." He sounded so desperate, all I wanted to do was make my son happy again.
"I will do it for you Tom. I will be your surrogate mother for your baby," I offered with love.
Tom stared up at me in shock, almost dropping his cup of coffee. "But mum, you can't do that! I would never ask such a thing of you!" he sounded horrified at the thought. "Besides, wouldn't you be too old now? It wouldn't be easy on your body." he said sounding a bit calmer.