Moving On

How do you move on after the death of a significant other? My Master and I were together just short of a year, lacking 10 days. He suffered a heart attack at the young age of 34 years old. I can't begin to describe how crushing...devastating this can be when you lose someone you love so much. My Master and I were online only, for the most part. We had plans of meeting up this year. Some fail to see how you can truly build a lasting, deep bond this way. It is possible if you're of true heart, spirit, mind, and give these freely, as well as, your body. For me, I was truly His in all ways. We talked on the phone, as well, which deepened the bond even further.

My Master was a loving Dom. He was kind, gentle, and tender. Yet, He was indeed domineering, commanding, and knew how to draw my submission in a way no one ever has before. My body would react to just His presence. If you asked me which I thought was better, an online or real life relationship in BDSM, I would respond as this: It's best to have a mixture. Why is that? Well, Master and I learned about each other fully, no only sexually. We knew each other down to our wants, dreams, secrets, and simply the deepest part of our desires. He showed me that this lifestyle is NOT just about sex, as some seem to believe. He showed me it's so much more. Yet, I hungered to have Him real life, but the distance was too far. He was in Australia and I'm currently in the United Kingdom. I am also married, but my husband knows everything. He understood and was wonderful about my love of my Master and the lifestyle. I was bringing it to my husband, so he was benefiting, too.

What I brought from His teachings, was that BDSM is about learning. You learn about respect, your limits, how far you can press your limits, and most of all, a new you that seems to emerge from having a good Dom. It's about seeking. You are seeking to find a part of yourself we sometimes hide. Seeking the unknown through the wisdom of a trained Dominant. Seeking new ways to excite yourself and using that to excite someone else. It's about growing. You grow in so many ways when you seek your submissive side. You overcome old walls we build within ourselves with the guiding hand of your Dom. Most of all, it's centered around trust. Without trust, you really fail to grow towards the better part of being a submission. Submission is given, not taken.

My Master fully believed that statement. Submission is given to you freely. You can not take it and deny that the submissive has a say. A submissive chooses to give up a say in matters. I always had a say in things with my Master. Because it's a form of respect, and respect goes both ways. Sure we must respect our Dom, but we also deserve the respect. A submissive gives so much of themselves. It isn't really a gift though, if you think about it. That may perk a few brows. Well, think of it this way. When you give a gift, can you take it back? Maybe for an exchange, but it's considered something you don't take back. It's a gift! Submission is something you can chose to or not to give. You can take it back. If your Master/Lord/Mistress/etc. does something to lose your trust, you have full right to deny your submission to them. My Master taught me this and so much more than I could really explain.

Now, I'm not saying that this is fully how everyone should view a BDSM relationship. Just that the morals are honest, giving, and full of understanding between two people who want to go about it this way. Some decide they fully want to give all say and such to their teacher. I did, but I also know I have an opinion and if I gave that up, it wouldn't make me fully happy. So, basically, no one does it the same way. Every relationship is truly different. We tailor the rules to fit what works for us. Though, I fully believe that it should always be consensual. If you allow your Master/Lord/Mistress/etc. to have full say, you consensually give up that right. A Dominant person that demands you do that without accepting your consent isn't really giving you a chance to decide for yourself. He/She is taking your submission, not waiting for it to be given.

With all that I have learned from my Master, I feel like a whole person. For the first month, I truly felt I could never, ever, EVER move on from losing Him. Part of me still feels that way. I feel guilty for even thinking about another Dominant taking over me. Yet, how is that doing my submission any good? He brought this out in me. In an essence, it was really a gift from Him. His time, His love, His patience and understanding all helped shape me, made me grow, and brought me to the point where I felt like a good submissive. Now, that is a gift, in my opinion. He shaped and molded me with His wisdom. It leaves me with many questions. If I move on, would he be upset or proud of me? What would He want me to do? What is a reasonable grieving period? What if I move on too quick and I get scared that He is upset or feels betrayed? What if I feel guilty for moving on?

The questions...they come to me every day. They hit me soon after waking up to realize it wasn't a nightmare, He is indeed gone from my life. Though, in some ways, He is still here. He is in my memories, soul, spirit, and most of all, my heart. No one can take the memories away from me. I will never allow anyone to bend what He taught me. He has forever molded me into His way of thinking and beliefs about this lifestyle. I love Him for it, too. With the help of my friends, I have realized I will have to move on one day. Now, it's just figuring out when and how. He was one of the most wonderful men I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I love Him still and that will never fade. The only comfort I have is that He left this world loving me. That possibly makes me special, because His love was amazing, true, and very special. I will never allow the title of Master to anyone else, for I feel He is now and forever my Master. We promised each other that, forever and always. That's what I will give Him, my forever and always as His submissive, Him as my Master.